View Full Version : My first new story is up!
09-14-2006, 05:56 PM
Alert: shameless self-promotion ahead!
Well, when I joined here a while ago I promised stories, and now the first one is up: My Cousin Laura's 18th Birthday (http://stories.xnxx.com/sex_stories_september_2006/my_cousin_laura.php)
While I do take the time to read comments posted directly to the story itself, let's just say they're not always the finest quality critiques one could hope for.
The posts here seem a little more on the ball, and as I'm pretty new to this I'd really appreciate any feedback and constructive criticism. What did you like, what didn't you like, what did I miss out, what should have been chopped, etc. Hopefully the next one can be even better that way - and I promise there will be a next one (unless everyone thinks I suck, and not in the good way).
09-14-2006, 11:40 PM
you should be proud of that story, because it's sexy And well written.
Did that really happen? It seemed like it did or perhaps it was an old fantasy of yours.
ok, i left a few comments on the story page. I thought i might give you a couple of my thoughts here.
Most of the readers are american at xnxx. I am. And having been to britain, i like being reminded of what it was like. A little local-description or atmosphere would have been cool. Like... i liked the fact that your cousin could go drinking when she was 18. That is pretty rare in the 'States'.
The long sex scene was written like a pro. You packed your sentences with adjectives and adverbs... and you used a lot of actice verbs, avoiding anything passive.
If i would suggest you do anything different, maybe on your next story, that would be to get something sexy or more erotic up higher in the story, sooner. Doesn't have to be a sex scene... maybe watching her dress, a little voyuerism... something like that earlier.
09-15-2006, 06:23 PM
Thanks bladeway, I appeciate the feedback. I'm sorry to report that it didn't happen... and I'll freely admit that I wish it had, because my little cousin is just as hot as I described and did just turn 18 last month. Pretty much all of the narrative is based on actual events, the sex that followed is based on the fantasies I've had since those events.
I did think about setting the scene a bit more in terms of location but there are two reasons I left it out. Firstly, scene-setting is frankly my weakest area in writing. Also, depite the fact I've visited the US a lot and know what's different about the UK, I wasn't sure what people would find interesting about describing it. Personally I would be bored by hearing about what an English town centre is like. Admittedly that may be because I live here, but one rule I try to stick to is to write about what interests you, or it comes off sounding fake.
Your point about getting something sexier in sooner is well taken. I was aware it took a while to get going but didn't have any bright idea as to how to get things going sooner without sacrificing the build-up, which I really wanted in. Your voyeurism suggestion is a good one; don't be surprised if I steal that for a future story!