I love those thoughts which are just out of step with normal thinking, the one liners that make you chuckle. Anybody else have any?

Here's my first....

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

 

Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

 

The only time the word "incorrectly" isn't spelled incorrectly, is when it's spelled incorrectly.

 

If there's more than one mouse, it is mice so surely, more than one house is hice??

 

I went to the DIY shop to buy some stepladders..... my real ladders died.

 

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

 

To-day is the Tomorrow that You worried about Yesterday.

Smile and make them wonder what you are up to.

A simple "Have a good day." to someone might be the thing that brightens their day.

Remember to pass on (pass forward) any good deed given to you and let the bad ones end at you. It won't solve all The World's ills but it will brighten it a little at that very moment and make at least two people feel better.

 

If shit ever becomes valuable, the poor will be born without arseholes.

 

I told my doctor that my legs hurt in about 8 places, he said, "don't go to those places!"

 

I went to our local zoo and walked round for FOUR HOURS and all I saw, in one cage, was a little dog!

It was a Shitzu!!

 

Why is it, when people burp they excuse themselves, but when they fart, they laugh???

 

A man is driving late one night, travelling a bit quick and as he drives across a bridge, a cop steps out with his speed gun and flags the guy down. He stops the car, gets out and approaches the policeman.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing to work at the hospital, it's an emergency! I'm a pussy stretcher!"

"A what?" Asks the cop

"A pussy stretcher! " he replies with a serious face

The cop pushes on, "OK so what does a pussy stretcher do?"

"Well, we approach the pussy with two fingers and slowly move them apart. After a few minutes we get it stretched so we can get more fingers in and keep going until eventually we can get two hand in. After a total of about 4 hours we can have the hands about 4ft apart and we get a foot in there and keep stretching until we get the pussy stretched to about six feet! "

The cop has heard enough, "utter bullshit! What would you do with a six foot long cunt? "

The guy smiled, "Stand him on a bridge and give him a speed gun! "

 

Who found out that you can get milk from a cow? And why was he doing it in the first place?

 

And who was first to say, I'm gonna eat the next thing to pop out of that chicken's arse??

 

The guy was sobbing in the pub and his mates asked why.

"My wife DOESN'T HAVE Tourettes!"

"Well that's good isn't it?" His pal asked

"No, it means she DOES think I'm a cunt and she DOES want me to fuck off!"

 

I haven't spoken to my mother in law for ten years. We haven't fallen out, she just never lets me me get a word in.

 

Shooter ponders;
If the Triblesa were to come to Earth, would they Poulk or would they zahf?

 

I asked a friend how his 'round the world' trip went. He said, "It was lovely, but I wouldn't like to live there!"

 

Some definitions.......

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein
a man loses his bachelors degree
and a woman gains her masters

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel
a feeling you have never felt before.

YAWN:
The only time when some married men
ever get to open their mouth.

FATHER:
A banker provided by nature.

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their
Mistakes.

CLASSIC:
A book which people praise,
but never read.

SMILE:
A curve that can set
a lot of things straight!

 

My boyfriend is very masterful. Every day he rushes home to rip my knickers off! All day they dig into his hips apparently!