Here is my first ever KAW entry. Hope you like it!

The sound of your heartbeat in your head is so much louder when you’re doing everything in your power to avoid breathing. Through the sliver of light between the closet doors I can see him - and her - passion building with every movement of every muscle in their athletic frames.



I’m only here to baby sit.



His teeth flashed white in the dim light as he bore them wide before sinking his lips into the side of her neck making her wither to the ground. I could feel that bite. That pain. That anguished ecstasy that she is feeling right now. I can feel it like it is my own neck and my own wobbly legs beneath me. I’m drunk off her moans and his animalism.



I’m only here to baby sit.



Strong but nimble hands find their way around her limp body. Supporting here, caressing there, and slowly but surely unbuttoning every last button on her black silk blouse. Her hands fall to the side like a corpse. It’s like she doesn’t even care that up is up and her eyes roll back in her head. My body is screaming now. Screaming to be hers. To feel that passion, that embrace, that touch. I’m screaming. My mouth is closed and I’m barely breathing but my heart is screaming out to be taken.



But I was only hired to baby sit.



He tosses her on the bed like a rag doll and tears his shirt from his bare muscular chest. Her legs writhe and she reaches for him like an infant unable to lift her head but desperately wanting to be held. He crawls onto the bed. My mind crawls all over my body. My skin tingles as though millions of warm bubbles are popping all over me. My hair stands on end and I can feel quivering between my legs.



I was only hired to baby sit, but after I put the baby to bed, I decided that I should look around and close up the house. Her husband, the baby’s father is away on business. That’s why I was hired. Because she wanted someone at the house to keep things safe. I was just looking to close up the house. The two of them burst in the house with such a rush and he escorted her to the bedroom with such melodic ease that I couldn’t think of anything better than to hide in the wardrobe, lest I be seen and ruin the event.



He is not her husband. This turns me on even more.



Hiding in the wardrobe and peering out of the barely cracked doors, I can see everything. I can hear everything. And I can feel everything inside me.



His is not her husband. And she is letting his hands explore her body like a blind beggar repentant before St. Theresa. Her shirt is open, her bra is undone, her breasts are exposed. His hands and lips are everywhere. Her skirt is unzipped, it slides down below her knees with the help of his dextrous hands. He plunges to her neck again and her body lurches in painful pleasure. I feel it. My palms are sweaty. My legs quiver and my nipples ache. I can hear my heart beat flying in my chest.



He is not her husband. His right hand tears her flimsy panties from her waist. Her hips heave in anticipation and she gasps as his hand floats across her soft mound. Unconsciously I gasp with her.



Sharply his piercing winter blue eyes dart across the room and stare directly at the wardrobe. A sly smile crosses his face and he clamps down onto her neck once more. When he emerges moments later he is grinning darkly from ear to ear. She is writhing weakly and uncontrollably on the bed. Half naked and halfway between heaven and hell.



Leaving her and strolling slowly toward the wardrobe, he pulls a long delicate blade from his pocket. I gasp again and put my hand over my mouth. He’s starting straight at me. I know he can see right through those doors. He can see into my soul.



My heart beats so loudly in my ears I can barely hear the mouselike creak of the wardrobe door as it opens in front of me. His eyes bore into mine. I’m scared, excited, uncontrollably turned on, and uncontrollably shaking. Delicately he puts his finger tips upon my forehead like an oracle calling to the wind and slides them back through my long matted hair. He makes a fist in my hair and with a forceful but careful tug, bends my head back and to the side slightly.



His blade glistens in the dim bedroom light as he holds it up between my eyes - just inches from my face. He touches the blade to my collar bones and then slides it down my front. The steady blade pops each one of my blouse buttons as it passes. Pop, pop, pop, from top to bottom, and then falls free. His blade slides up my belly - stiff, cold, and excruciatingly wonderful. It slides beneath the straining fabric between the cups of my bra and with a quick flip, my throbbing breasts fall free.



The blade traces all the way back down my chest, over my belly and manipulates itself under the drawstring of my fleece pj bottoms. Another flick of the wrist and the drawstring is cut, my pants falling to my ankles. I gasp again - audibly this time - and I can feel my hands clench in anticipation. Finally his blade traces up over my hips and under the hip line of my laced panties. With a swift clip - clip, they too fall to the ground.



My heart is pounding out of my chest. I’m breathing so fast I can barely breathe. His hand tightens around my hair. He pulls my head back slightly further. He leans forward. His teeth gleam in the low bedroom light.



She moans on the bed.



I gasp in anticipation.



He is not her husband.



and I was only here to baby sit.

 

Welcome to the KAW @aloddivine.

Very atmospheric, disturbing. I never considered the vampires victims point of view (assume he's a vampire). This worked for me.

 

Superhot voyeur/cheating story. The guy finding the babysitter hiding in the closet was a nice turn. This story was well-written and had very good descriptions of what was happening. I could see most of it happening in my mind's eye, and what was vague to my imagination was quite steamy as well. Edgy and erotic. Thanks @tonybs for pointing out the vampirism in this. Didn't catch that on first reading. And thank you very much, Aloddivine.

 

Also, why "wanted". Unless that's the vampire mind control thing.

 

who wouldn't want a sexy, exciting, totally unexpected encounter that has you on the edge of consciousness?

 

thanks back for reading my first KAW!

 

I've never wanted an encounter with a vampire. But you made it sound good, this is a neat trick. In the last KAW we had @ChaoticDreamer26 getting me in the head of a vampire, now you getting me in the head of a victim. That's good writing.

 

I never actually said he was a vampire ... but he might be

 

You didn't but that's how this makes sense to me.

 

This is so hot that it's melting Antarctica. Good work @aloddivine . For a second I thought he was going to cut her throat and then the story took a sexy turn. I was so tense that I started sweating.
I feel that repeatedly pointing out that "he isn't get husband" and "I am the babysitter" wasn't necessary. You could have said that once in the beginning and at the end.

 

I'm not sure like is the right word for this. Hot, but disturbing. Well written.

 

Welcome to our writing competitions. Please take my critique as what it is intended, constructive.

The Good: This was steamy and hot to the point of being truly erotic. I did not get vampire out of the male lead, I got bad boy. Not once does the author mention blood, so I just didn't connect it with vampire.

The Bad: The repetitive nature made it just past the good to the annoying. Restating the babysitter and the husband thing is a fine balance of when it should happen this pushed just over the edge,

The Ugly: There was absolutely nothing to make me identify the characters. I don;t know anything about any of them other than she is a babysitter with matted hair, she is a cheating wife, and he has winter blue eyes. I don't have any physical traits at all. You don;t have to break the flow to describe a character. You don't even have to give their description all at one time. An example would be when she fell back on the bed you could have added "and her auburn hair splayed about her like a deep red halo." These little details are what gives life to a story. The art of weaving them in successfully is just that; an art.

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is more than 1000 words.

 

(He was not her husband.... And I was only here to babysit.... ) If you remove these words a few times you will bring the story to under one thousand words and not take anything away from this excellent story. All and all a fantastic first time submission.

 

Congrats on your first kaw story !
I enjoyed it, I loved the suspenseful feel of it, and I get what you are doing with the repetition, its hard to describe (Brootforce said it very well !) , it was slightly strange in those repetitions, and in some places it wasnt really needed, but I see the point .

The erotic content was great , it had me there in the wardrobe, feeling my heart beating and a definite quivering between my legs too . That means you did the job very well

I wondered if he was a vamp, by the " Teeth flashed , as he bore them wide before..." sentence , but a few things changed my mind, he wouldn't need a knife , wouldn't unbutton her blouse and you never mentioned blood, but it did have a vampish quality which I loved , it kept me entertained and throbbing.

You definitely have a talent, keep it up . I read your online hook up story a while ago , but sorry I wasnt able to leave a review (something ill rectify soon ) I enjoyed that too . More practice means you will improve something each time , as long as you can take some constructive criticism.

You definitely have an interested reader here .

Thanks keep it up , good luck Aloddevine . Luvs xx

 

Good stuff, this is a compelling story - welcome to the KAW (and hopefully the CAW too), as well as a belated welcome to XNXX! I began to suspect vampire, then thought not but by the end I thought vamp again, it's good writing that makes us think that without actually stating it.

Constructive criticism? Here and there the trick of breaking prose into short sentences, which the author uses to good effect, is overused but overall there is a remarkable absence of spelling and grammatical errors, it's very good writing. Unlike some others I felt that the lack of descriptions was a deft touch, allowing the reader to form their own mental images of the characters, and such descriptions would have been a waste of precious words when working with a limit (incidentally it would be easy to edit this down to fit within the compy limit).

More please, author - I look forward to reading your entry for CAW XXVI!

 

If you liked this story, please consider voting for it in the KAW competition. The voting instructions are in the thread: https://forum.xnxx.com/threads/kaw-5-gone-in-a-flash-reading-voting-phase.395123/

 

It reminds me of a sonnet with the repetition of I'm the baby sitter.
Well written.

 

Thanks everyone I'll try not to take the criticism personally. This really is the first time I've ever tried to write stuff down like this but I'm glad people are reading it

 

As @stex says, @aloddivine you do show a lot of talent. You've somehow managed to convert a simple kiss (or bite?) on the neck into something really really hot solely through your description of it.