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Thread: The Black Moon

  1. #1
    Digital Demon Draegus's Avatar
    Join Date : Apr 2007
    Location : Standing in the Grey space between Reality and Dreams.
    Posts : 7,103

    Default The Black Moon

    This is a start to a multi-part story. Please be kind with the comments, since it has been sometime since I have written a story. Otherwise hope everyone enjoys it as much as I did writting it.




    It had been many years since the lights of this city had served as the back drop of my surrounding. I knew that it would be only a matter of time before my presents would be discovered by those that were like me, well somewhat like me, since I was the first, and last of a blood line that even in the world of the “Night Kin” had fallen more into myth and legend than actual fact.

    No matter how hard someone of my blood tries to mask themselves there are always signs that could be felt, even by the youngest of our breed can feel the vibrations of another. However there were always ways to get around that. Its just a touch taxing on the one wanting to stay hidden, and I happen to be that one that wished not to be noticed.

    At least, not yet anyway.

    Three days had past since I had made my way into the territory of another Night Kin, or in this case a particular clan that for the most part I wished to have nothing to do with.

    In our world it’s considered rude, and bad form for one our kind not to make themselves present to the head of a ruling clan. Some leaders would see it as a mortal insult, myself, I saw this particular out dated tradition as nothing more that some power addicted child getting the equivalent of an ego blow job. I suppose you could say I was far too old to give a damn about what some infant of a hundred or so years thought of me, or me stomping about on their hunting grounds. Perhaps stomping is too strong of a word, lets say sneaking instead.

    On this the fourth night since my sneaky arrival, I found myself standing on the roof top of an abandoned warehouse near the ship yards. There was a welcomed chill in the air. A chill that was close to my own cold blooded nature, and that made moving about a touch easier, even if I had to still focus a bit of my will in keeping the vibrations of my being down to a faint whisper. Thus far my mental masking was keeping the children off guard, I was grateful for that.

    Already I could see that there was a level of activity near the building across from me, a mixture of the two legged cattle, and rather young Night Kin, vampires in the common tongue. That told me in whole volumes that some unscrupulous Kin had set up a temporary den of debauchery. My kind of Night Child, if truth be told. Lets get one thing clear, its always better to have your meal come to you willingly than to have to go out and hunt for it, and the cattle in this area wore smiles on their faces, and the air tainted with the various flavors of their desire, some a bit more exotic than others I might add.

    I could almost taste their lustful wants in the air.

    “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the “Great Lord of the Shifting Flesh“, or do you prefer the title of “The Silver Haired Nightmare.” The smooth sultry voice coming from behind me was so familiar that it caressed my sense of hearing like the touch of a long lost lover.

    “Do I detect the tempting tones of the “Lady of the Enslaving Mind ?” I replied looking back over my shoulder to the silhouette of shifting shadows that was slowly coming closer to my perch on the roof’s edge. “And if it pleases you, I would like to be addressed as Deven during my time here.” I added with the corner of my lips turning upwards into a lop sided grin.

    Slowly the shadows parted, like smoke being blown away on the faint chilly breeze, and standing next to me was the startling lovely white face of Melina Dorchester. Her raven tresses pulled back into a sever braided pony tail. The only break in the blackness of her locks were two blood red streaks at her temples. Her bangs had been trimmed to a point that met at the middle of her delicate brow line.

    “Deven is it? Pity, that’s such a common name for such a unique man.” She commented with a little wicked grin playing across her deep crimson painted lips.

    “You know how the game is played Melina. Every fifty to seventy-five years we change our identities to keep the curiosity of our food source constantly clueless.” There was a hint of annoyance in my voice. Sometimes the game of secrecy made demands that was so irritating, this part of the game was even more frustrating.

    “Indeed I do, and it’s Mimi for the next fifty or so years.” She said looping her arms around my left gazing up at my face, with a grave expression written across her features. “The Master of flesh and still your left eye and cheek bares the double streaks of the black tears.” I could hear the faint hint of sadness in her voice, she was never good at hiding the more emotional side of her mind.

    “Its the scar I must bare, just like the rare few left from the beginning.”
    I didn’t need to be reminded of those times. Even after the several hundred years the hurt was still great, and some pains no matter how long since past always remain just below the surface, tender to the touch of remembrance.

    “In any case, I think it makes me look more distinguished.” I off handedly jested as a means to keep that great hurt from long ago at bay.

    “I can very much agree to that.” And with that said she turned me to face her with a grin playing across her inviting lips . “I’ve missed you terribly Deven.” She added before standing up on her tips toes brushing her lips to mine.

    I have to admit at this point that I had been expecting this kiss, and in our world the act of kissing carries with it more than the thrill of intimate closeness, it is a linking of minds. Our kind might be considered monsters by most, but we are a passionate race to say the very least.

    As the kiss deepened, our tongues slowly dancing back and forth between our mouths, flash images began to rip through my mind. Some were of faces I had never seen before. Most likely fledgling Night Kin that had come into the altered life of our world while I was away in other parts of the world. While others were of people I had known all to well, and their intentions spoke of betrayal, danger, and other not so pleasant things that would make the average human lurch their dinners into the gutters. One in particular was the face of the current clan leaders most prized consort. A woman so dark inside that even the strongest of light would not be able to see into that inky blackness. Her name was Lucinda, and she had been one of many reasons why I had stayed clear of this city up until now.

    Even with the sensation of revulsion concerning Lucinda ripping through my mind there was the passion of the kiss itself, and that sweet almost intoxicating taste of the woman I had know since the day of her rebirth.

    Mimi and I had always been close, both mentally and physically. Even times when she and I stood on opposite points of view on some subjects regarding the course our race was to take, we still remained close. That made her special, and precious to me, not only as one of the Kin, but as a man as well.

    Slowly the kiss began to part, and I was met with the deep blue gaze of Mimi’s eyes. There was no need to saying anything further, she told everything I needed to know in the kiss. Information that she felt I needed to have at my disposal should a time come where it would mean life or death. It was also a sly way of passing along information so that even the most sensitive of ears would not be able to hear.

    I won’t lie by saying that the thought of taking her right then and there on the roof top didn’t cross my mind because it did, and in various different ways.

    “So shall we go down and see who is putting on this little party of decadence?” Mimi suggested with that wicked grin on her lips again. It was quite obvious that she knew what my carnal wants were. The grave sadness she once showed was nothing more than a faint memory now, replaced by a desire of her own, the air about her seemed electrified by its potency.

    “If you found me then others are likely to know I’m in town by now. So might as well go and have a little fun before Alexander makes the order to summon me. By the way, what took you so long? I would have imagined you would have known I was back before the moon had risen on my first day here.” I almost spat out the name of the clan head. Mimi only let out a peel of laughter as she took my arm in hers once more.

    “He’s not so bad, once you know how to handle him. As for not being able to track you down, well it seems someone, and I‘ll not mention names, has gotten even better at masking themselves. ” With that said she lead the way to one side of the warehouse with a side alley below and leapt from the roofs edge to the damp asphalt. All I could do was grin and follow suite stepping off the edge and landing solidly at street level. I might add that I did this with style and grace, not like some might have seen in the movies, by shattering of the ground and what not, movie makers always get it wrong.

    To hide my face, not to mention the dual black streaks along my cheek, I pulled up the leather hood of my long coat to cast my appearance in shadows. No need to alert every Kin within a six block radius. Besides before the night was over I would most likely be called to the main house of the clan, even if that call would be by force, or attempted force. That was something I was not looking forward to in the least bit, and a bit of a distraction was called for before I would have my patience pushed to the very edge of the breaking point.

    With a glance by Mimi to the heavy set muscle bound meat sack serving as a bouncer at the door, we were permitted entry without so much as second glance. I had to give her credit, her talents of mind manipulation was bar none the best I’ve had the privilege to witness in a very long time, and the relative ease in which she brought those powers to use only added to the title of “Lady of the Enslaving Mind” that much more deserved.

    Mimi lead the way to the private booths, a place where the important and special could go to be secluded away from the other amusements that might be taking place on the main floor. The music was typical of a place like this, a steady measure of loud deep bass hits, with electronically modified melody, if one could even call this mind numbing sound music. Never the less it had most of the masses gyrating and dancing in lurid ways on the dance floor.

    Once seated in the seclusion of the booth I pulled the hood back. Already I could feel minds reaching out to feel who was who, and what was what. As a result the normal dark hue of my eyes flashed for a split moment in vibrant silver. In that split second my sight saw everything as if it was a photo negative, save the bright red light at the centers of those known as human, while the fewer deep blue light marked who was of the Kin.

    “Quite the turn out.” I commented. Mimi’s only response what a slow nod of her head. I could tell that she was otherwise occupied allowing her mind to drift about to sample the thoughts of both human and Kin alike. Then after a few short moment she turned to look at me a mischievous grin playing across her lips.

    “So my dearest Sir, what will your pleasure be tonight? Blond, Brunette, Redhead, or perhaps even male or female?” she asked in a voice that hinted to her own desire for an up close and personal encounter.

    I couldn’t help but chuckle a touch at her question. “Its been so long since I have sampled the live stock I wouldn’t know where to begin. So how about you surprise me, I have the feeling you already have a few selected that would be perfect for our entertainment.” And our meal if I’m to be totally honest with you kind people.

    Once more Mimi nodded her head and sent out her thoughts, instantly I could see one creamy skinned redhead turn her head as her mind heard the silent calling from the mistress of the mind. However she didn’t come straight to us, instead she headed to the bar, getting a few drinks, two rather special, while the other was the normal beverage that humans partake in, at times to excess, to dull the senses. The gent that had been trying to smooth talk her out of her clothes was left sitting at a table with the look of rejected confusion.

    Mimi and I both watched as this plaything made her way through the gathering crowd towards us. Every step she took in her heels was fluid, and graceful. The rather small black dress flaunted the ample curves of her body, and the low cut neck line allowed for a very eye pleasing view of her cleavage. “A tasty number you’ve picked out my dear.” I complimented.

    “Why thank you, it seems she wants exactly what we both can offer.” She replied slipping her left hand between my thighs and cupping my crotch fully, massaging both my shaft, and sack through the leather of my pants.

    Needless to say that simple caress was more than enough to have my endowments stirring, and rapidly swelling, and in kind I slid my hand under the slit of her dress to cup her smooth heated sex. Seems I wasn’t the only one that found the woman with fire like hair arousing, as I felt the swollen bundle of her clit pressed firmly against the palm of my hand.

    As the lovely redhead came up to our booth setting down two of the drinks, she blinked a few time as if she had realized she was no longer where she had been before. “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why I just walked up here like this.” She apologized to the two altered beings seated before her. Each looking her up and down like the pleasurable meat that she was, and the meal she was about to be.

    “Oh no, there is no reason for you to apologize at all.” Mimi said with the smooth tone of a snake charmer. I knew full and well what she was up to, and more so what she wanted to happen.

    “So its to be that kind of night is it?” I thought knowing my hunting partner could hear my thoughts just as easily as if I had used my voice to speak them.

    “Oh yes, you do remember how I love to watch your form of feeding right?” Her thoughts came back to me, and all that did was make me smile a touch more. “Please won’t you do us the honor of your company miss?” I suggested to the lovely fiery beauty that stood before us looking like the lamb ready for slaughter.

    “It would be my pleasure, thank you.” She replied smiling sheepishly slipping into the booth beside me.

    I feel that at this time I should say that my method of feeding is quite a bit different from others of my kind. Even different from that of Mimi’s. You see after a certain age the taste for blood is no longer the driving force for feeding, and once that point is reached others forms of nourishment becomes available. For me, I feed off the energy that is expelled during acts of pleasure, but no energy is more satisfying than that from a sexual encounter. Hence why Mimi enjoys it so much watching me feed, and more so when she has the chance to be apart of that feeding.

    “So my dear what is your name?” I heard my lovely dark lady ask, I could see that she was in full seduction mode. Not even the strongest of the Kin can withstand her charms when she brings the full weight of them to bear on a target. Even I would be hard pressed to resist her, and even now with only a small fraction of that talent being used on our new companion, I was finding it hard not to open the front of my pants and pounce her with the primal lust of countless years of existence.

    “My name is Abby, its so nice to meet you.” Our prey replied blushing furiously. Gods how I loved watching Mimi seduce. I could already catch the faint aroma of Abby’s arousal. It was going to be a very interesting night indeed.

    “Well Abby, I’m Mimi, and this beloved silver haired beast is Deven.” Mimi introduced, and I in turn simply nodded my head. There was no need for me to say anything Abby was already in the mental clutches of my hunting partner.

    “I’m very happy to meet you both.” She greeted, and still that growing flush of crimson crept more across her face.

    “Tell me something Abby, what brings you out on a night like this?” Mimi almost seemed to coo her words, and even syllable dripped with unspoken pleasure and a sweetness that would send a thousand men into sugar shock.

    “A friend told me about this place, and I really wanted some excitement. Know what I mean?” Our prey answered with a grin coming to her lips as she looked not only the sensual form of Mimi up and down, but my own as well.

    “Excitement hmmmm? Well then why don’t I make this a little more private. That way we can see what fun we can have without being interrupted.” With that said Mimi pushed a button under the edge of the table top which brought a two way sound proofed mirror enclosure around our booth. It allowed us to see out, but no one to see in. not to mention it dramatically reduced that mind numbing thumping from the music that had the house stirred up into a frenzy.

    I watched as the grin on Abby’s lips grew even more, and the sly glance she gave to the temptress seated on the other side of me. “I like the way you think lady. Now would he be interested as well, or is it just you and me?” She asked looking to me with green eyes that burned with unspoken desire.

    “Why don’t you see if you can persuade him be apart of the fun. He tends to be a touch shy around strangers.” Mimi suggested scooting even closer to me and half facing both me and our prey.

    I really shouldn’t have been surprised to feel not only Mimi’s hand cupping me fully once more, but also the pale small hand of Abby’s joining the mix. Needless to say I couldn’t help the pleasing groan that escaped my throat, as they took turns at enticing me through the leather of my pants.

    “Deven dear I think your pants are in the way. Wouldn’t you agree Abby?” Mimi grinned still rubbing and caressing me between my thighs.

    I looked over to see Abby nodding her head, her eyes were glazed over lost to the sweet seduction. In her mind she thought she was the one doing to seducing, or at the very least aiding in trying to seduce me, but in reality she was now a puppet to Mimi’s will. I said this before, there was none better at manipulating the mind like my dark lady.

    “Since you two seem to feel that way, I’m sure you both can manage the buttons.” I retorted teasingly.

    In no time Abby’s hands were at work undoing my pants buttons. With each one released I could feel the tight prison that kept me bound loosen little by little, and it was even less time before I felt her hand disappear inside to withdraw the thick swollen shaft of my member. The warmth of her hand felt wonderful, and it was made even more so as I watched Mimi lean forward towards my lap to lick lovingly and slowly around the slightly redden crown. The shivers that ran up and down my spine was magnificent.

    That is when I pulled Abby close to me, and kissed her deeply plunging my tongue into the hot depths of her mouth as if I was trying to steal the breath from her lungs, while Mimi sank more of me into her own moist oral canal, swallowing me down into the back of her throat. The plus side to being one of us is no gag reflex, so in no time the full length of me was being coaxed and caressed my Mimi’s constricting throat muscles. Once again I felt myself groan from the pleasure, not to mention that the energy for which I feed on was starting to increase, and that started to send my senses to the peak of awareness.

    After a moment I let Abby go so she could not only catch her breath but also slip out of that small black dress she was wearing. Mimi sat up stroking me with one hand watching with great eagerness, as our prey began to disrobe.

    “You are enjoying this one more than you normally would.” I thought to Mimi.

    “My beloved it has been over a hundred years since we shared a playmate, so of course I’m enjoying this more than normal.” She thought back to mind, and I could sense the many, many years she felt a loneliness that would have crushed the will and minds of weaker beings.

    I didn’t think anything in response, I just pulled her close and kissed her, passing along the emotions of regret, and desolation I felt being apart form her. It was my way of apologizing to her for having to leave her for so long. While Abby, now wearing nothing but stockings and heels slipped under the table to take my shaft in her hands, stroking and licking like a child with her favorite flavor of lollipop.

    Seeing that Abby now had my endowment well in hand, no pun intended, Mimi parted the kiss and lifted her long form fitting dress bearing those pale silky smooth white legs that many a man and Kin alike would sacrifice their very souls to have wrapped around them.

    I watched as she kept lifting the thin black fabric higher still exposing her thighs, and further still till she had it pulled up to her waist showing me the bald glistening slit of her sex. I could help myself as I took in the sight of her with my eyes. Slowly she climbed on to the booth’s table and sat before me parting her thighs wide so I could not only see how aroused she was but also savor the scent and taste of her, and I was surely going to get my fill of her taste.

    While Abby continued a mixture of stroking, licking and sucking between my legs, which I might add being a human she was quite talented at. I leaned forward to lick and nibble at the creamy inner thighs of a lover I had missed for more years then I cared to admit.

    The texture of her skin was more than intoxicating, it was addictive. I could hear Mimi gasp from time to time as I let my tongue and teeth play on the more sensitive places along the works of her hips, and still I had not yet savored the true flavor of her. I just wanted to feel this intimate closeness with her, re-establishing a bond that had been forged so very long ago, and with our playmate now in the mix I had other sounds to fill my already keen hearing, which was the occasional slurp, and moan as she would try to gobble down as much of my thickness as she could handle.

    The onslaught of so many sensation coming at me at once was blissful, and as a result I began to lick my lover on the table top from the tight puckered rosebud of her bottom to the hard sensitive little bundle of flesh of her clit. Instantly I felt Mimi’s hands in the long silver locks of my hair pulling me closer, wanting me to lick, nibble and suck her sex to the point where she would lose all sense of herself.

    I was not about to disappoint her, and so I threw myself into bringing her to the peak of pleasure, while with a free hand I gripped the flame red hair of Abby under the table guiding her hungry wanting mouth up and down the length of my shaft, to which she eagerly sucked as if her very life depended on it. With my free hand I began to tease the very opening of Mimi’s sex while I sucked and licked at her clit with my own desperate eagerness.

    For what seemed like an eternity we stayed like this, me fingering and devouring Mimi’s slit, Abby using her mouth to fuck my shaft, until I felt Mimi’s grasps tighten in my hair.

    “Dear Gods don’t stop!” she exclaimed with a quivering in her voice. She was on the edge, I could hear it, taste it, and smell it. Just a few more lashes from my tongue and thrusts of my fingers, she would climax. All the while the energy they both emanated from within nourished me to the very depths of my being.

    I was in my own form of heaven.

    A few seconds later Mimi began to moan, lasciviously, her body began to buck and gyrate out of control , as the first fresh taste of her nectar shot from her body and into my mouth for me to drink down like fine wine. Over and over again she filled my mouth with her essence, and I was more than happy to let it slid down my throat.

    After that I had almost but forgotten about Abby bobbing her head up and down on my member. It wasn’t until Mimi had calmed down a touch before I realized she was still under the table giving it all she had.
    “Abby dear, why don’t you come up here and let Deven put that monster between his thighs to better use?” Mimi suggested still sitting before me with her now drooling sex pressed against the smooth surface of the table.

    There was no reply only the sound of movement as our prey came out from under to table and bent over the edge next to Mimi staring at me with a look in her eyes that spoke of an intense need to feel her depths filled. I looked up at my ages old lover then to the redhead. All I could do was grin, and nod as I slid out from the seated part of the booth and stepped up behind Abby.

    I have to say I was a bit mean, I didn’t just slam every hard inch into her. Instead I just allowed the very tip to slip up and down along the humid heat of her sex. All the while I stared at Mimi who grinned impishly watching me as I used the very thing our prey wanted most at this time as a means to torment her.

    “Now, now love, don’t be too cruel. She has been lovingly tending to you while you tended to me.” I heard Mimi think.

    I grinned a touch more from that, then positioned myself at Abby’s opening and began to thrust into her slowly. The wet hot walls of her sex instantly began to contract and constrict like she was trying to draw more of my thickness into her, but I wasn’t going to let it be that quick or that easy. You see the more my prey wants the more energy they give up for me to draw in, and this human woman was like a deep well of raw sexual energy that I had to take my time to enjoy.

    “Oh please, don’t tease me like this, just fuck me.” Abby almost whimpered casting me a pleading look from over her shoulder, while she tried to push herself back down on to me in an attempt to capture more of me within her lustful depths.

    “As you wish.” I said grinning, and without warning I pushed forward hard. So hard in fact that Abby’s feet cleared the floor a few inches, and the tip of my hardness slammed against her cervix. My reward for this was our prey gasping deeply and quickly grabbing a hold of Mimi for stability.

    I suppose there was not much to say at this point. She wanted to get fucked, and I was becoming intoxicated from the taste of her energy, with my lovely Mimi watching on. So I began to hammer into Abby’s hole like the primal lust driven animal that I was. The sound of flesh slamming into flesh, her grunts, gasps, and moans of whorish delight filling the small sealed off space of our booth.

    “Flip her over my Love.” Mimi said sweetly to me. I nodded and withdrew from Abby for the moment.

    Abby of course quickly rolled on to her back on the table, and waited while Mimi positioned her sex just over the redhead’s face. Then lowering herself down she was met with the hungry tongue of the human woman.

    “Oh my!” Mimi exclaimed as she felt the other woman’s tongue slip inside her depths. “I think you best get back to fucking this one my love.” She half gasped, half said to me.

    The sight of seeing the Mistress of the mind taken off guard by a human woman was a sight to behold, and with a deep chuckle I reset the head of my hard shaft back to Abby’s sex, and drove it quickly to the very depths of her heated wanting hole.

    It wasn’t long before time seemed to stop, and the only thing that mattered was this moment. Me plowing our human feast with all I had, while Abby fought to finger and lick my lovely partner to climax. Mimi had sealed her moth to mine making the chain of pleasure complete. I don’t know how many times both Mimi, and Abby climaxed, all I knew was that I was becoming full from what they had given me, and yet my partner had not yet fed.

    So I withdrew myself, and grinned at Mimi who gave me a slightly confused glare. “You must feed as well my beloved.” I sent my thoughts to her, and she instantly understood looking down at the pale parted thighs.

    With a moan that spoke of yet another climax on the way, Mimi opened her mouth to let the fangs that sty out of sight slip down. She was now ready to drink, and with a swift almost blinding motion she sank her fangs into Abby’s inner thigh sucking the life giving crimson blood that flowed into her mouth.

    Abby of course screamed from around Mimi’s drenched mound, and the swift sting of being bit sent her over the edge into the most visually stunning climax I had yet to see from a human female. It was as if every fiber in her drew tight as steel cord and it was so strong that the poor girl fainted dead away, and became as limp as a wet noodle on the table top.

    After a few more slurps of blood Mimi licked the wound she had made, sealing it closed, yet another talent we Kin have, and looked back at the meal she and I had both enjoyed. “I hope we didn’t break her. I would like to keep her around for more fun times.” She said casting me a sly grin.

    “She is different from the rest of her kind I will grant you that much.” I agreed as I sat there still hard and very wanting from watching them together, and Mimi feeding. I guess you could say I enjoy watching her as much as she does me.

    “I think I need to finish you off my beloved.” Mimi teased looking down at the raging hard and glistening shaft of my cock., and with that, Mimi climbed into my lap and sank her slick wet slit effortlessly down around the fullness of my member.

    Slowly we began to move together, holding each other tightly, and kissing each other like it was the very first time we were together. Then gradually the pace of your mating began to increase. In no time she was bouncing up and down on me like I was the prized pony, and I was thrusting up into her like she was the only thing in the world that had any meaning.

    “Fuck me Deven, make me remember you from now till the end of time.” She moaned softly in my ear driving herself that much more bucking her hips against my thrusts, and feel the tip of my shaft slamming into the depths of her.

    It was all I could do to even speak a word, all I could manage was the primal grunts and growls, of a beast, but my body knew exactly how to make sure she understood, by jack hammering up in her so fast that the sound of our bodies meeting came at a fast staccato. I knew I would not be able to withstand this amount of sensation for long, and after a few moment of this wild fast pace neither could she, as I heard her screaming in exquisite pleasure. I felt her inner walls clamping down around my shaft milking me for my own essence, and I could take no more.

    Just as she began to ride the wave of her orgasm, with her body quivering from the sensory overload, I too began to ride the wave of mine. With a the deep inhuman growl of my kind I felt my shaft swell inside her then convulse as jet after hot thick jet of my cream began to pump deep into her depths. It was all we could do but to cling to one another sharing this blissful moment. To be so in tune with one another that even our senses were intertwined.

    All I wanted in that moment was to stay that way with her wrapped in my arms. Sadly it was not fated to be so ……… ( To be Continued)
    "You see chaos. I see tranquility. You see damnation. I see salvation."

    MY ART, and the Art of many other Talented XNXXers
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  2. #2
    Digital Demon Draegus's Avatar
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    12 views and no comments. Either its that good, or seriously sucks.
    "You see chaos. I see tranquility. You see damnation. I see salvation."

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  3. #3
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    No worries there is always a few asses that have to craw out the wood works.
    "You see chaos. I see tranquility. You see damnation. I see salvation."

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  4. #4
    Digital Demon Draegus's Avatar
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    Giving this the good ol' bump
    "You see chaos. I see tranquility. You see damnation. I see salvation."

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  5. #5
    Digital Demon Draegus's Avatar
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    It does help, and yes there is a build up. Perhaps I need an editing partner or something along that nature that can help with the grammer mistakes and such.

    In any case thank you for the advice, I am greatful for the honest input.
    "You see chaos. I see tranquility. You see damnation. I see salvation."

    MY ART, and the Art of many other Talented XNXXers
    http://forum.xnxx.com/showthread.php?t=241847
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  6. #6
    Porn Star SensualRobin's Avatar
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    I found your story a pleasure to read. I think maybe what puts off other readers is the methodical start, the slow build up to what all these horny bastards actually want. I admit your character sounded so mysterious that I was wondering what was happening, but the story unfolded in a slow and anticipating way like a flower. I'm sure wet from that hot, hungry 'feed'!
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  7. #7
    Digital Demon Draegus's Avatar
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    *grins* Why thank you very much. Guess maybe I should dust this off and do a part two after all.
    "You see chaos. I see tranquility. You see damnation. I see salvation."

    MY ART, and the Art of many other Talented XNXXers
    http://forum.xnxx.com/showthread.php?t=241847
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  8. #8
    Sex Machine Lover83's Avatar
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    Since I am a lover of reading, I will come back and read it then tell you what I think. I'm not reading now because it's way late and my sleep is fucked up as is..so till then, this comment acts as a bump and so I can find it right away
    I desire nothing but the Devil, it seems he's stolen my heart and I'm more than happy to be his prisoner in his own beautifully twisted world. He who owns me knows who he is.


    MM, this is interesting
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  9. #9
    Porno Junky thatcuriousone's Avatar
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    That was actually quite good. I fully enjoyed the slow start to this story, in sorting out who was who and the delicious seduction of the fiery red head was quite well done. There were some grammar issues, but none that took away from the story. Looking forward to the rest.
    Currently working on my newest story; Blinded Love.
    Here's a link: http://forum.xnxx.com/showthread.php?t=274552
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  10. #10
    Sex Machine Lover83's Avatar
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    Simply lovely. Wow. I will give my full comment on this, yea it's probably going to be long. And note, there is good and bad and I'm sharing both but I will try to water it down a bit. Because you said to be gentle

    Ok, first thing is, your writing is very similar to mine, in how you write. How it's put together, very hard to explain. Mainly I see things in your writing that I find familiar. It's amateur yet so skilled at the same time. The way you put things, are devine. Some of the words used to describe the subject work perfect together. but think of that as a puzzle piece. Some of pieces didn't quite fix. It was very close but didn't run as smoothly as it could have. I'm talking about most of the beginning. You described the characters well but I felt some smaller details were left out that made them more of a blir in my head.

    Next, it is mostly the beginning I have a problem with. I liked it, don't get me wrong but I felt like some details were missing in order to make the story fuller. I felt like if this were a book, I opened it up and started reading from chapter 20. I feel there so much more before this small part here happens. That there is so so so much more. You said this is a multi-part so I'd except more. But I think this is more a middle then a beginning. You could make this the beginning but the intro has to be longer, like I said things are missing, I just know it. More background, build up the characters more. This story has so much, I love it, my brain is racing with possiblities as to what this could be as a whole.

    The question you ask yourself though, is do you want this story to be bigger, a novel? Or a 5 part thing you write, with sex scenes? Or maybe I'm asking you that lol I like this writing so much, I would love to see it expand and be a novel. I don't care who says what about it, if it's famous or just something you did on the side when you had time to. There are always people out there that will love this and see it as a rare gem, found in this world of reading. I think it's one of those. Something that's not exactly famous but a rare treasure found by only those with a rich mind. And believe me, I'm not sucking up, I only tell you what I know is true. As passionate as I am about reading and writing/creating life, I simply do not 'stuck up' in that area, I praise the work. My main thing is this has potenial. I feel it.

    You need work in the area, no doubt but sharpern the skill and you have well, great stories. It's not only the skill, it's the imagtion that makes it the best. But You could also make this a manga! Well, graphic novel. Where you drawl it out. Though I think it's better for writing it out. this where I envy you..you draw amazingly well and paired with my imagtion, I'd have almost every creature from Exous drawn. O it surely be interesting. Anyway, back on track. You can do so much with this or so little. I'm telling you my opinion.

    So as I've said, the beginning could use some work. I would have added certain things or changed them around, and longer. Now, for the sex scene, your details, pace, and length were very close to perfect in my eyes. I did, indeed feel turned on. It was done well and in a way that is unique to the story, you may not know what I mean but it's good. One note, (not just for the sex scene) you are missing tiiiiiny details that are sorta important. Not gonna say because maybe it's just a personal thing but I noticed. Anyway, sex scene, great, loved it. Only little to edit or change. I give it an A.

    Next, because I know you, who you are, and how you talk, my opinion could be a bit more on the harsh side. Most people I know don't have a writing bone in their body. and for someone I know to write and make a story, even though it's not intended, I take it as a challenge against my own skills. In some parts of your story, I win, in others, I lose, in some parts we are the same. So when I begin reading, I find it hard to take it seriously. Because in my eyes your personality strongly shows in the character, to me, it is sort of a bad thing. It is ok to have some of you show up in it but in my mind it was like I was reading your life, rather than your work. Heh, yea cool life you have but no, do you get what I mean? I'm guilty of the same thing for sure. But it's like an odd mix of fiction & non-fiction. I'm just pointing it out. Because sometimes it can make the story...good instead of great. That is what I mean, because I know you, it alters the story a bit. I see it in a different way. If I didn't know you, my reply would definitely be different. Not sure if that makes sense but tis my input.

    I've ranted long enough, damn! For sure I'd like to see more of this and maybe give some of my specific input as to what I feel should be edited. Just suggestions and opinions nothing hardcore. Remember I am simply telling you what I think. May you continue.
    I desire nothing but the Devil, it seems he's stolen my heart and I'm more than happy to be his prisoner in his own beautifully twisted world. He who owns me knows who he is.


    MM, this is interesting
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