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  1. #41
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  2. #42
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  3. #43
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    I'll be gone for a while and the challenge will probably be over by the time I get back. I'm still waiting for that flood of votes that will put me over the top.

    HD
    CHECK OUT MY STORIES
    http://stories.xnxx.com/profile363893/Hardrive
    1) ANNABELL (CAW 14)
    1) THE MOON STONE (CAW11) Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4
    2) LOVE TRAIN -CAW10

    3) MY COLONOSCOPY (Humour)
    4) A HEAVEN FOR NINA (CAW9)
    5) MOM'S SECOND HUSBAND (CAW 8 )
    6) TEENAGE GIRLS FOR SALE (CAW7)
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  4. #44
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    Sweet.

    In your comments above, you say it is not a train story. But it does take place on a train, and I kept forgetting that. You could have done more with the setting. The rhythm of the wheels, and the screech that they make on turns; the faint shudder from the engines; the pulsing of the generator-fed illumination, the aromatic smell of the surrounding machinery (oil?), the feel of skin on cheap vinyl seats (or whatever the seats are made of; it never says), and so on. Don't get me wrong-- the story is hot, with your attendance to the visual alone. But sex takes place in more than just the eyes.

    Speaking of which, the ending smacks of coitus interruptus. Cold water, indeed. I felt like some of that pitcher missed the old lady and splashed on me. I understand why you ended that way; I get the point. Just a shame, is all. The happy ending could have been much happier, is all I'm saying! Sheesh. At least your story had sex. Mine ends with a fireball.
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  5. #45
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    I couldn't help laughing when the toilet door burst open and they both tumbled out. A shame they didn't get to finish things off though, it was a slightly sad ending.

    Great story Hardrive, good luck in the CAW!
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  6. #46
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    [QUOTE=curiousscouser;4930152]I couldn't help laughing when the toilet door burst open and they both tumbled out. A shame they didn't get to finish things off though, it was a slightly sad ending.

    Great story Hardrive, good luck in the CAW![/QUOTT\

    THANKS FOR READING... GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.

    HD
    CHECK OUT MY STORIES
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    1) ANNABELL (CAW 14)
    1) THE MOON STONE (CAW11) Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4
    2) LOVE TRAIN -CAW10

    3) MY COLONOSCOPY (Humour)
    4) A HEAVEN FOR NINA (CAW9)
    5) MOM'S SECOND HUSBAND (CAW 8 )
    6) TEENAGE GIRLS FOR SALE (CAW7)
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  7. #47
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    White = Clarise
    Orange = Hardrive

    Sorry I didn't reply sooner but I knew this would take a little time and I've been quite busy of late.

    Quote Originally Posted by clarise View Post

    Sweet.

    Thank you for giving my story a review. It's always gradifying when a fellow writer takes the time to comment and give some constructive critisism but I'd like to respond to your review because I found some of what you said a bit bafeling. Let's take it one comment at a time.

    In your comments above, you say it is not a train story. But it does take place on a train, and I kept forgetting that.

    I find it hard to believe that you could possibly forget that the story was taking place on a train considering that the story was less than 5,000 words, is titled “Love Train” and has the word “Train” sprinkled some 20 times throughout the story. That’s not counting the various references to the: conductor, passengers, railroadcar, station manager, tickets, platform and several others. You are way too smart to have missed all that. What do you really mean when you said "I kept forgetting."


    You could have done more with the setting. The rhythm of the wheels, and the screech that they make on turns; the faint shudder from the engines; the pulsing of the generator-fed illumination, the aromatic smell of the surrounding machinery (oil?),

    I guess you wanted me to describe the feel of riding on a train. Would something like the following quote from the story have qualified?

    “As I recall, it was the autumn of my 18th birthday and I was riding the train on my way home from college. I remember that it was late and the sky was stormy and dark as I boarded the railroad car. The train was full and almost every space was taken by passengers and their belongings. Looking up both rows of seats I spotted what looked like an empty place at the back of the car. Moving quickly I picked up my overfilled bag and staggered up the swaying isle, marching to the beat of the clankity-clank of steel wheels rolling on steel rails…

    The lights in the car were dim and every so often they blacked out for several seconds making my unsteady trip up the center aisle even more precarious. It seemed like I was apologizing every couple of steps as I unwittingly bumped into and stepped on various passengers along the way. Imagine my disappointment when I finally arrived at the back of the car only to find that the seat I was hoping to take was not really free. It was partially occupied by a pretty young woman’s feet.”

    ... the feel of skin on cheap vinyl seats (or whatever the seats are made of; it never says),

    I guess this line from the story didn’t get the idea across:

    “In those days, train seats were actually long leather benches divided into three seats by retractable armrests.”

    ...and so on.

    The “AND SO ON” you are talking about is a matter of style. Some writers like to describe and over describe every little thing in a story. I try to avoid that preferring to give my readers credit for having some basic knowledge and imagination. Also, I think that over describing a scene can bore the hell out of some readers. It can also distract and break the flow and rhythm of the story by diverting the readers attention from the action you are trying to describe. As my old mentor use to say, “You are trying to tell a story not impress the reader with your verbosity. If it doesn’t add anything meaninful to the story, leave it the hell out.”

    Don't get me wrong-- the story is hot, with your attendance to the visual alone. But sex takes place in more than just the eyes.

    You’re right, it's all about what is going on in the mind of the character. If you remember my story you’ll remember that my character sees very little. It is what is going on in his mind that sets him off and turns him on. The same goes for the reader.

    Speaking of which, the ending smacks of coitus interruptus. Cold water, indeed. I felt like some of that pitcher missed the old lady and splashed on me. I understand why you ended that way; I get the point. Just a shame, is all. The happy ending could have been much happier, is all I'm saying!

    This is the one criticism with which I fully agree. Had I more time to write the story I probably would have changed that. Their reaching orgasm just as they bust through the door would have made the scene much more dramatic and it would have been funnier to picture them laying in the corridor trying to catch their breath while the other passengers looked on in awe…. But I have to ask, what happy ending are you talking about?


    Sheesh. At least your story had sex. Mine ends with a fireball.
    Thanks again for taking the time to comment. I know you did your best and no one can expect you to remember every detail of every story.

    Just saying…

    HD
    CHECK OUT MY STORIES
    http://stories.xnxx.com/profile363893/Hardrive
    1) ANNABELL (CAW 14)
    1) THE MOON STONE (CAW11) Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4
    2) LOVE TRAIN -CAW10

    3) MY COLONOSCOPY (Humour)
    4) A HEAVEN FOR NINA (CAW9)
    5) MOM'S SECOND HUSBAND (CAW 8 )
    6) TEENAGE GIRLS FOR SALE (CAW7)
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  8. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hardrive View Post
    White = Clarise
    Orange = Hardrive

    Sorry I didn't reply sooner but I knew this would take a little time and I've been quite busy of late.



    Thanks again for taking the time to comment. I know you did your best and no one can expect you to remember every detail of every story.

    Just saying…

    HD
    Dude. Sorry I kept you up nights. But you didn't put me on a train. You just didn't. You told me I was on a train. You didn't put me there. Sheesh.
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  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by clarise View Post
    Dude. Sorry I kept you up nights. But you didn't put me on a train. You just didn't. You told me I was on a train. You didn't put me there. Sheesh.
    You didn't keep me up. I was just puzzled by your strange review which is now even stranger. Guess I didn't know you as well as I thought.

    As I said, it's not a story about a train but just for you... here you go. "All aboard... Toot toot, chuckity chuck, clickety, clickety clack. The train is swaying back and forth as it goes down the track." (insert picture here.)

    I guess I'm just a lot easier to please or I have a little better imagination, but I had no trouble imagining that your story was occurring in a hotel room even though you didn't describe the wall paper or the smell of the linen.

    A word of advice. Never go see a play called "The Fantasticks." The guy holding the moon will drive you crazy.

    HD Sheesh.
    Last edited by Hardrive; 04-06-2012 at 12:01 AM.
    CHECK OUT MY STORIES
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    1) ANNABELL (CAW 14)
    1) THE MOON STONE (CAW11) Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4
    2) LOVE TRAIN -CAW10

    3) MY COLONOSCOPY (Humour)
    4) A HEAVEN FOR NINA (CAW9)
    5) MOM'S SECOND HUSBAND (CAW 8 )
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  10. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hardrive View Post
    CAW10 ENTRY
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    1) ANNABELL (CAW 14)
    1) THE MOON STONE (CAW11) Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4
    2) LOVE TRAIN -CAW10

    3) MY COLONOSCOPY (Humour)
    4) A HEAVEN FOR NINA (CAW9)
    5) MOM'S SECOND HUSBAND (CAW 8 )
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  11. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by ejls View Post
    I liked this bump.
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    1) ANNABELL (CAW 14)
    1) THE MOON STONE (CAW11) Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4
    2) LOVE TRAIN -CAW10

    3) MY COLONOSCOPY (Humour)
    4) A HEAVEN FOR NINA (CAW9)
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  12. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by ejls View Post
    Is that a bump on your chest?

    Thanks ejls for the original bump. Worth repeating.
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    1) ANNABELL (CAW 14)
    1) THE MOON STONE (CAW11) Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4
    2) LOVE TRAIN -CAW10

    3) MY COLONOSCOPY (Humour)
    4) A HEAVEN FOR NINA (CAW9)
    5) MOM'S SECOND HUSBAND (CAW 8 )
    6) TEENAGE GIRLS FOR SALE (CAW7)
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  13. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by ejls View Post
    The new challenge has been announced, CAW11... so this will be my last bump of this story... Enjoy.
    CHECK OUT MY STORIES
    http://stories.xnxx.com/profile363893/Hardrive
    1) ANNABELL (CAW 14)
    1) THE MOON STONE (CAW11) Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4
    2) LOVE TRAIN -CAW10

    3) MY COLONOSCOPY (Humour)
    4) A HEAVEN FOR NINA (CAW9)
    5) MOM'S SECOND HUSBAND (CAW 8 )
    6) TEENAGE GIRLS FOR SALE (CAW7)
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