Sexual orientation :
My Brother Raped Me
This is a true story. It still makes me feel really sad looking back on it. He took away my innocence at such a young age, I wish I could have it back.
This happened when I was 9, my brother was 12
My brother and I where colouring in pictures in my room. My bedroom door was shut as normal as my mum had a headache and my dad was in a bad mood. We were sent to my room by my dad, as he did not want to have to deal with two 'kids' as he put it.
Looking at my sisters side of the room, I get a pang of jealousy, she's so lucky to be out with her friends, whilst I'm stuck in this dingy room, with my brother, whom I despise.
He put the colouring pencil down on the bed, and says he's bored of playing colouring in, he wants us to play a different game. I crossed my arms in a huff, it's not fair I think we always play what he wants too. We never just get to sit in silence and colour in. I frown at him, cross, and my lips curl down in an unhappy grimace.
'Come on sis,' he says. 'You'll enjoy this I promise.'
I stay sat there, with my arms folded, I don't want to play any other games I think, all I want to do is colour in my book. Why does he always get his own way. Well this time I'm not doing it, 'no'. I tell him shaking my head.
'Well I'm telling Dad that you're not playing, and he'll give you the belt.' He says as he gets up to go to the door. Thinking about the last time I disobeyed Dad makes me change my mind.
'No don't tell,' I plead with him. 'We'll play a new game,' I tell him although still not happy with him.
'Good sis,' he smiles. 'I'm going to tickle you now,' he says with an evil glint in his eye. He knows how much I hate getting tickled, him and our Sister always tickle my sides and although I laugh, they tickle me too hard sometimes and it hurts, more than tickles.
Without wanting him to tell on me I let him tickle me, he doesn't tickle to hard this time. Too soon I'm laughing loudly, 'shh Ann,' he warns me. 'Dad's only in the next room, you know that if he hears you he'll be mad because you've disturbed him.' The thought of Dad coming through silences me through fear of getting beaten.
His tickling tactics change, and he starts to tickle my feet. I don't like getting my feet touched and he knows this. I try to pull my feet away from him, but he holds my feet in place. He starts to tug on the bottom of my jeans. They're slightly too big for my waist and they begin to slide down. I grab at the waistband desperate for them to stay up.
My brother has a sly grin fixed on his face, and tugs a little harder. Then realizing he's the jeans aren't going anywhere. He stands up, and pulls at both my trouser legs. I fall of the bed in the process, banging my head loudly as he does so. I'm confused and very scared now, why is he doing this?
'KEEP IT DOWN YOU TWO!!!' Our Dad yells from the other room. Scaring me even more, tears from the shock, pain, fear, and confusion fall from my cheeks. My brother starts to drag my along the floor by the legs of my jeans, laughing as the start to fall away from my waist, he stops when he manages to pull them off. I cry harder now, the confusion in my head worsens. What is he doing?
I do the natural thing and use my jumper and my hands to hide my pants, and my girl bits. He laughs quietly as I do this. 'It's ok Ann,' he says. 'I've done sex education at school, I just want to see what a fanny looks like in person.' I look at him confused. Sitting up and ignoring him, I pull my jumper over my knees. This is wrong, I want my jeans back, I want to protect my modesty.
He looks at me again watching my struggle to retain my modesty, and laughs again. 'I just want to see just this once,' he says quietly. 'Once I've seen yours I'll show you mine. You might even like it.'
I shake my head violently, 'No!' I say a little loudly. The warning look on his face tells me I've spooken to loud this time, and I can feel the fear flood my face. I clamp my mouth together and continue to cry.
This is when he gets brave, he grabs my legs and yanks them down violently, ripping my jumper slightly as he does so. I feel so powerless. I'm his sister what is he doing to me?
He grabs my hand which has moved back to my girl parts and pulls my hand out the way. When I fight him, he slaps me over the face, which instantly shocks me, and i grab at my face with both hands in shock. He grins evily and shoves me back onto the floor. Once i'm lying down, he grabs the waistband of my pants and yanks them off me.
I feel so exposed, I've seen my sister without any underwear on and she has hair down there, but I don't I'm completely bald. He smiles and looks down on me, and without warning he puts his hand on my girl part. I can't breathe properly, I sob with what he is doing.
He rubs at me, and it feels really wrong. Why is my brother touching me in a place that only the person you marry gets to touch. I don't want his hand down there. 'If you fight me Ann,' he snarls frightening me to the core. 'I'll tell Mum and Dad that you drew all over the walls, and Dad will give you the belt so hard that you won't be able to sit for weeks.
The words stun and paralyze me. Dad has given me the belt before and I never want the belt again. I was in so much pain the last time I was bad, that I wasn't able to go to school till the pain and bruising went away. I don't want that to happen again.
He continues to rub at my girl part, and as he does so he lifts my jumper and my t-shirt with his other hand. Exposing my chest, he rubs at the little nubs that will one day be my breasts, and flicks at them with his fingers. This really hurts, and I don't want him doing this anymore, but his warning keeps me still.
He stops touching my chest and pulls my girl part apart, 'so this is what a fanny looks like.' He exclaims, and touches me again with one of his fingers. I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping that if I can't see him doing anything then it can't be happening. He then pokes a finger into a hole down there and I hate the feeling. My brain is screaming 'STOP!' over and over again. My eyes are leaking with tears.
He pushes his finger farther into me, and he starts to really hurt me. I don't like this one little bit, but he doesn't stop, he keeps prodding at my girl part again and again and again. I want to cross my legs so desperately but he's knelling between them keeping my legs apart. 'The bit that's causing you so much pain is called the hymen,' he informs me. 'I'm going to break this part and put my penis inside you.'
My head starts screaming 'NO!' as he pushes his finger farther inside me. I've never seen a boy part before and I don't want my brother to put his boy part inside of me. Every time he prods his finger in me, he hits something inside my girl part, and it feels like he is pushing, and pushing at it. He then shoves his finger all the way in and the pain of the thing ripping is horrendous.
I open an eye, hoping that he'll see the pain on my face and stop, but he doesn't he just sits there with a big grin on his face, whilst looking at my girl part. I look down at his hand and I see that his finger is covered in blood. 'Oh no,' I think he's killing me. The pain is frightening and I hope that if I'm going to die then it'll be quick, and I don't have to deal with the pain anymore.
I close my eyes again, and wonder how long it'll take me to die, I hope it's quick. I hear a zip being pulled down, and he shifts slightly. He chuckles at my obvious discomfort, 'don't worry Ann.' He says non-reassuringly, 'This will all be over soon enough,' thank heavens I'll be dead soon my brain whispers to me. 'I'm going to put my penis inside you now,' he continues.
I shake my head, mentally asking him to stop and not to do this. He lies on top of me, and his body feels like its suffocating me. Then he moves slightly, till I feel something weird between my legs, I then realize that this is his boy part. My eyes fly open in alarm, and before I can speak, he clamps his hand down onto my mouth. Stopping me from making any sound, a small whimper is heard through my closed mouth.
He then moves his hand between us, stopping at my nubs, and squeezing them painfully. He then proceeds to move his hand down between our legs and touches his boy part. He moves it up toward my girl part, and pushes it against me. I try and squeeze my girl part together, but he slaps me again. This time he manages to push himself half way into me. The pain is terrifying, it feels like I am being ripped in two.
I try to squirm away form him, but he is no match for my 9 year old body. He then slams into me, putting his hand back over my mouth as he does so. My scream of pain is muffled. He continues to slam into me again, and again, and again. The tears flow from the pain, I'm in agony. I look at his face and he's smiling, 'this feels so good Ann.' He tells me, 'I'm glad you where my first and I was yours. We need to do this again.'
He shudders in a weird way, and I feel something wet in my girl part. He pulls out of me suddenly, strides over to my pillow, and wipes his boy part over the case. I feel sick, but can't move. He strides back over to me leaning over me and smirks, 'now when you go to sleep you'll smell me on your pillow.' He says, 'now get dressed whore!' I flinch at his softly spoken, but harsh words. I know from my parents arguments that whore is a bad word. My Dad calls my Mum this when he's angry.
I get up from the floor and try to move quickly, but I'm in lots of pain, and movement is very difficult. I look up at him with confused, and questioning eyes. 'Don't look at me whore,' he snarls. 'I told you to get dressed now do it! I'm going to tell Dad that you have a migraine, and have to go to bed.' I scramble into my pants and jeans. 'Oh and don't forget Ann, we will be doing this again.' He says in a whisper before opening my bedroom door.
The tears flow freely down my face and I curl up in a ball at the bottom of my bed. Why did he do this to me, I ask myself. My Dad pokes his head through the door, and sees my crying. 'Oh you poor thing,' he says soothingly whilst putting his hand on my head, trying to gauge whether or not I have a temperature. 'Must be a bad migraine if you're sobbing like that. I'll get you some painkillers and then put you into bed.'
He leaves to fetch the painkillers, I get up gingerly, and dash to the toilet to be violently sick. As I emerge from the bathroom, my brother is standing by the living room door. He looks at me and smirks. 'Don't tell them what I did, or I'll kill you. Understand?' He snarls in a warning. I nod my head lower my head and return to my room.
Once on the bed, I remember that he rubbed his boy part over my top pillow, so i grab the one from underneath, turn the horrible one over and place that horrible side down onto my bed, placing the ok one over the top. My Dad returns, gives me two painkillers that I've been prescribed from the doctor, with a glass of water. I'm grateful for the painkillers as the pain will ease in my girl part with them.
He closes the bedroom curtains, and whispers to me to sleep now. I lie down, wait for him to leave then start sobbing, the earlier event cloud my mind. I'm released by my thoughts by sleep engulfing me through my tears.