Sexual orientation :
Originally Posted by ZYZX;757229[FONT=Georgia
My god, at least make a story realistic. Why not just say "Boeing 747 jumbo jet" instead if you're going to be so overly ficticious?
So the character had a car yet knew the regular bus timetable? What?
So at the regular time I got to the bus stop 5 minutes early and invited her to ride when she showed up a few minutes later. I dropped her at her office and asked her what time she gets off. I also asked her if she wanted a ride home everyday also. She told me that would be wonderful.
We went to a local bar and grille nearby and had a drink and some dinner. She had salmon and I had steak and potatoes with a salad.
We got to know each other more over the meal, and she said, I really like you and I am lonely, would you mind coming over to my place for a while?
Since she seemed like such a nice person and very good looking too, I was more than happy to agree. So we went and talked and talked, then she moved over by me and began by putting her arm over my shoulder and kissing me. I was a little surprised since I didn't really expect this. But obviously I responded, who wouldn't. A lovely lady throwing herself (almost) at me.
Poorly researched, "IT Administrator" ring a bell?
I asked her about her work and she told me that she is 2nd in command of all the computer work at her office. I told her that was interesting because I own a company that specializes in computer systems for offices and governmental agencies. (Hey--we did NOT do the social security system.)
Marched is truly an awful verb to be using here.
We made out a little and then things got a little more serious, she started rubbing me all over and breathing hard, so I suggested we go to her bedroom if that was ok with her.
She readily agreed and so we marched
into her bedroom in lockstep, arms around each other and kissing on the way.
Awful and it comes across as though you're trying too hard to write it well. "Complied with grace", oh please.
When we arrived, she said to me, why don't we get more comfortable and drop all these troublesome clothes? I wsa more than willing by now to get naked with her, but I told her I wanted to do the honors for her. She complied with grace.
You should have mentioned somewhere that this was set in the 1980s, otherwise you could do with researching office wear for this decade.
So I stood behind her and rubbing against her lifted her lacy white blouse over her head, carefully folding it and placing it on a nearby chair. Next I unzipped her blue skirt with white flowers on it and lowered it so she could step out of it.After she did, I folded it neatly and placed it on top of her blouse.
"Folding" is awful, in a moment of passion what man stops to fold clothes?
I leaned over and blew in her ear, she giggled and turned and kissed me with her pink wet tongue exploring every tooth and crevice and ridge withing my yearning mouth.
You mean you didn't want to rush yourself, in reality.
By then I was starting to breathe hard and fast and so was she. But I didn't want to rush her.
(Author's note, if you are bored, please leave)
Like a ski slope? Have you ever been to a ski slope? In fact, have you ever seen a mountain? Horrendous.
So very slowly and gently I carefully unfastened the first top catch on her brassiere, a very pretty white one with little flowers and lace trim on it. Then continued for the rest. And SLOWLY removing it from her boobs, oh what a lovely sight they were, too. Nice top curves like a ski slope, and what a lovely lower curve too. Size I would guess about a D. Then I sneaked a peak to her bra and it was 38D, I was right.
You also cannot say "I would guess about a D" and follow it up with "I was right", you can say, perhaps, "in my mind I guessed they were a D", something in the past tense, not the conditional present.
Way overdone. Glorious sight? It sounds as though you were describing the pyramids in Egypt! One description of the nipple being hard would suffice.
I put her bra on her skirt and placed my hands under her boobs and began massaging them lightly, and tickling the lovely pinkish nipples that by now were hard as rocks and projecting proudly from the snow white bases, and the lovely little rosy aereolas were peaked to them like little hills. What a glorious sight.
The verb "kissing" is overused in this paragraph.
I leaned over her shoulder and kissed the front of her shoulder
as far down as I could on each side, then kissed her again after lightly flicking her ears. What a kiss, like I never experienced before. Afterwords, I began kissing her neck. At this point she turned around.
Butterflies and flowers? You're quite the modern man, aren't you?
I kissed every inch of her from her shoulders to the bottom side of her boobs. I stroked the sides of her with my hands, then moved to the elastic of her panties. They were light blue with white butterflies all over them.
Given your likening of her breasts to the pyramids, this is completely overdoing it.
And I noticed the crotch as very wet., I pulled the elastic out and lowered them until she stepped out of them. I placed them to my face and inhaled the sexy aromatic effluvia from the crotch
Again, overly cringeworthy. "Angels", "heaven", "glorious"...eugh.
Then I put them on the clothing stack with her brassiere. I laid her back on the bed with her legs on the floor on the side of the bed, and placed pillows under her head. Her flaming red hair that was down to the small of her back was spread out around her head like an angel's halo.
Her pubic hair with the sun shining through the 2nd story window on it made it glow like it was on fire, what a beautiful sight.
Maybe? The story is being narrated in the past tense, you can't use things such as conditional present tense here.
I began stroking her sides and lower belly with light touches, and then kisses. I slowly spread her legs lightly rubbing them from her calves to her crotch, and as as I did she spread them apart wider and moaned. Then I go down on my knees and kissed all over her legs and up to her crotch, then licked all over the same areas, putting my nose then tightly into her vulva and maybe
entering her vagina.
What a lovely fragrance. Now I had to taste the sweet juice she was making for me. I took a lick from the top of her so pretty light pink rosebud to her sweet pink clitoris. So godd. Again one more time. Then I started bathing the shaved labia majora vigorously with my tongue, resulting in loud moaning from her.
Lovingly? Way too strong. The description of the orgasm is atrocious and would suggest you've never given a woman one in your life.
After a few minutes of that I took her clit and inner folds into my mouth sucking them all in as much as I could and lashing them lovingly
with my tongue, she immediately had a huge shaking and screaming orgasm. At that time after she calmed back down a little, I placed my still clothed body on top of her and kissed her some more with mutually aggresive tongue attacks. What heaven. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Again, heaven and all that jazz doesn't fit in here. Particularly with the "lovingly" parts already scripted into it.
It comes across as borderline obsessive/psychopathic given the length of their relationship
Screams of desperation
She then told me that she never had anyone else and did not imagine in her wildest dreams that anything could be this wonderful. She said she wanted to know if I was attached. I said no my dear I am not but if you want me I am yours forever more. I though to myself, am I going too fast, but myself answered HELL NO, you may never have such a chance again, TAKE IT.
Excuse me while I vomit.
So I told her again, I am yours forever, and I want you to come home with me now, and close out your apartment. I would also like you to quit your job and come to work for me. I can use a talented beautiful intelligent woman like you as my 2nd in command, and could not stand to ever be away from you again. She nearly fainted then said to me, you are the best thing that ever happened to me, I could never leave you for a moment.
Oh god I thought it had stopped but it seems to be coming up again...BLLLEAUUURRGGGHHH
She said to me, dont you want to get undressed now? I told her, my love, we have the rest of our lifetimes to love each other in all the ways we can and will, I just want you to come home with me and by mine forever.
15 room bungalow for a single man? How realistic of you
She kissed me again and told me she was ready to go as soon as she got some stuff together. So I helped her pack what she needed, and we left for my place. A modest 15 room stone bungalow on a hilltop with 10 acres of semi wooded area around it. She gasped when we turned in the driveway. I asked her what was the matter. She said I never in my life thought a place could be so lovely. We are going to be so happy here.
"Modest" is not how one would describe a 15 room house.
I think the greatest fiction in this story is the authors belief that they can write.
So as the tale goes, we got her stuff out of the car and into the house. Had a drink and some coffee, got her settled in to her 20 x 20 home bedroom, of course she was sharing mine for sleeping and other good stuff. Next morning I took the day off. She called her office and quit. We drove down and got her last check, then went to the beach for the day, having fun and sex in the surf. The beach was a private beach that was part of my little home base, and there was no one within miles so we played naked in the sand and surf.
When she saw me for the first time naked that first night, she told me that I was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen and would love me forever.
No offence but it truly is a terrible piece of literature, one which could be upped by a 10 year old child, one would imagine.
D+ for the effort.