The White - CAW 11 Entry (teen, incest, US Government)

[darthel0101]

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[in shock & totally speachless]

[ahorsewithnoname]

Originally Posted by darthel0101

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[in shock & totally speachless]

Well, I'm not sure if that means you liked the story, or you are ready To condemn it/me to the nine levels of hell.

[NoTopNoCollar]

I...I think...it's happening already. I need the White....especially after reading this story!!!
Horse, you've pulled another rabbit out of the hat, Bravo!!!!




....now where do I get some of that booster? I have someone I'd like to try it out on (could a few of you hold down WSF for a minute, please)

[wantsomefun]

Originally Posted by NoTopNoCollar

I...I think...it's happening already. I need the White....especially after reading this story!!!
Horse, you've pulled another rabbit out of the hat, Bravo!!!!




....now where do I get some of that booster? I have someone I'd like to try it out on (could a few of you hold down WSF for a minute, please)

Why would YOU need to hold ME down?

Oh, wait! The booster shot? No, my dear, that won't be necessary. From what I know of you, young lady, we can probably keep that syringe capped. Besides, it apparently has some rather unusual side-effects in terms of the man's behavior. I'm not into the whole Incredible Hulk/rapist thing.

[NoTopNoCollar]

Knowing how greedy I am, you might need that booster...or a lot of sleep and protein





edit: as for the side effects...well it would be a bit like being back with my ex

[ELaken-Palmer]

If the challenge were based on presentation, this story would win hands down.

[darthel0101]

Originally Posted by ahorsewithnoname

Well, I'm not sure if that means you liked the story, or you are ready To condemn it/me to the nine levels of hell.

definitely not consigning you to the nine levels of hell
That story was just too powerful, emotionally, for any real comment at the time.
Call me a train-wreck groupie but I couldn't stop reading it.

This will be my first participation in the judging of the CAW contest and I have to say that except for a certain few submissions, I will be having trouble deciding which one I prefer as winner. This one is NOT one of the ones which I am discarding.

[Daddycums]

Okay, I finally got around to reading this story.

I'm not entirely sure what I think of it. Is it dark and disturbing? Is it every man's fantasy come true? I think it's a little of both.

And that's why I like it. You take a science fiction concept that should be a dream come true for every red-blooded heterosexual man in the world, but you strip away the fantasy and replace it with a gritty realism that presents it as a bit of a nightmare scenario. Though not as dark as, say, a BlackRonin story, it's still pretty horrifying in its own way. Yet at the same time, there's enough eroticism there that lets me enjoy it, even as I feel a little guilty about that enjoyment. It's the combination that really sells this story. Wonderfully done.

My only complaint is your frequent jumps back and forth between first and third person perspectives. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose, but I don't think it really works here. Just my opinion.

[johnstr]

Yea! Pictures. Thats the ticket.

[ejls]

[ahorsewithnoname]

Originally Posted by NoTopNoCollar

I...I think...it's happening already. I need the White....especially after reading this story!!!
Horse, you've pulled another rabbit out of the hat, Bravo!!!!




....now where do I get some of that booster? I have someone I'd like to try it out on (could a few of you hold down WSF for a minute, please)

Why thank you, ma'am! ::: tipping hat towards you :::

WSF...don't worry...it only hurts for a lil' bit!

[ahorsewithnoname]

Originally Posted by darthel0101

definitely not consigning you to the nine levels of hell
That story was just too powerful, emotionally, for any real comment at the time.
Call me a train-wreck groupie but I couldn't stop reading it.

This will be my first participation in the judging of the CAW contest and I have to say that except for a certain few submissions, I will be having trouble deciding which one I prefer as winner. This one is NOT one of the ones which I am discarding.

Good to hear! I like it when I can write something compelling, even better when it isn't just me that thinks it is compelling! Glad you are reading all of the stories and thank you in advance for voting, regardless of who you vote for.

[MartinJD]

Incredible!

I meant to leave hours ago (but had to finish reading this).

[ahorsewithnoname]

Originally Posted by Daddycums

Okay, I finally got around to reading this story.

I'm not entirely sure what I think of it. Is it dark and disturbing? Is it every man's fantasy come true? I think it's a little of both.

And that's why I like it. You take a science fiction concept that should be a dream come true for every red-blooded heterosexual man in the world, but you strip away the fantasy and replace it with a gritty realism that presents it as a bit of a nightmare scenario. Though not as dark as, say, a BlackRonin story, it's still pretty horrifying in its own way. Yet at the same time, there's enough eroticism there that lets me enjoy it, even as I feel a little guilty about that enjoyment. It's the combination that really sells this story. Wonderfully done.

My only complaint is your frequent jumps back and forth between first and third person perspectives. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose, but I don't think it really works here. Just my opinion.

Yep, I most certainly did it on purpose, and am aware of the controversial nature of using such a method. My reasoning for doing it was that I felt it would add one additional level of tension to the story, ratcheting it up a notch. Not everything we attempt to do as writers works 100% of the time with 100% of our readers, so the best we can hope for is to hope that it works with the majority, often a silent majority. Thank you for reading and commenting!

[snowleopard3200]

A Horse with no name...

This story has everything a reader can hope for in the end; a mixture of a dream coming true with women needing unending sex to the guys abillty to survive; and yet it also becomes a nightmare, for the women need sex beyond his ability to survive.

It combines a dream come true with a spin of realism, chaos, and nightmare potential that is only beginning if you chose ot make a sequil to it in the future. Overall, the best of the final three I narrowed down from a pool of incredible stories written by the best authors around.

Congradulations.

By the way thought this might be a bit humorous:

My one buddy came by while I was reading your story once again, to make my final choice, and I pretended the story was a news event going on live. He almost freaked out on the spot until he started reading it.

He loved it as well.

[Hornycountryboy]

Bump

[ahorsewithnoname]

Originally Posted by snowleopard3200

A Horse with no name...

This story has everything a reader can hope for in the end; a mixture of a dream coming true with women needing unending sex to the guys abillty to survive; and yet it also becomes a nightmare, for the women need sex beyond his ability to survive.

It combines a dream come true with a spin of realism, chaos, and nightmare potential that is only beginning if you chose ot make a sequil to it in the future. Overall, the best of the final three I narrowed down from a pool of incredible stories written by the best authors around.

Congradulations.

By the way thought this might be a bit humorous:

My one buddy came by while I was reading your story once again, to make my final choice, and I pretended the story was a news event going on live. He almost freaked out on the spot until he started reading it.

He loved it as well.

Thanks, I really appreciate it, and the art about your buddy is priceless!

[Daddycums]

Originally Posted by ahorsewithnoname

Yep, I most certainly did it on purpose, and am aware of the controversial nature of using such a method. My reasoning for doing it was that I felt it would add one additional level of tension to the story, ratcheting it up a notch. Not everything we attempt to do as writers works 100% of the time with 100% of our readers, so the best we can hope for is to hope that it works with the majority, often a silent majority. Thank you for reading and commenting!

Yeah, now looking back on the story (and reading some of the earlier comments) I can see that you did it on purpose. Like I said, I don't think it really worked in this case, but I give you full props for attempting such a method of storytelling. And it certainly didn't hurt the story much, once I got past my initial confusion of having the president being referred to as "he" when he was previously referred to as "I."

[F-Star]

It is time for the white.

[ahorsewithnoname]

Originally Posted by MartinJD

Incredible!

I meant to leave hours ago (but had to finish reading this).

Hey, sorry, next time I'll write something less compelling!





Naw! Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks!

[ELaken-Palmer]

The white with fish... the red with meat.

[Hornycountryboy]

Bump

[ahorsewithnoname]

Originally Posted by F-Star

It is time for the white.

I was wondering if anyone would make reference to this classic part of Trek lore.

[ahorsewithnoname]

bump

[ahorsewithnoname]

motherfucking bump to get these stories to the top and JoeFuckheadDirty (and his little troll pornvision) below

[Wee Hector]

bump

[Hornycountryboy]

All aboard the bump train! Choo choo!

[Dizzyworks673]

Bump

[DoyleGentry]

bump

[darthel0101]

bum_p…bum_p…b_u_m___P

[Dizzyworks673]

Bump

[ahorsewithnoname]

Originally Posted by ELaken-Palmer

The white with fish... the red with meat.

In a sense, I am referring to fish in this story.

[Dizzyworks673]

bump

[Dizzyworks673]

Bump

[ahorsewithnoname]

Last weekend of voting bump!

[BlackRonin]

Okay, I'm way behind on my comments, time to do a little catching up.

First, a question: You ever read "Y: The Last Man"? There are a few similarities here.

Second, a statement: Shit, I wish I'd thought of this layout for mine. Must have been a hell of a lot of extra work, but worth it.

Now, critique: You do have this knack for marrying ostensibly grave subject matter to a distinctive, cheeky, tongue-in-cheek style of presentation. Here we have a concept that could lend itself equally well to a sex comedy or an apocalypse story. There's certainly nothing comical about the presentation, but the fine details are so patently absurd, so over-the-top in their overtly pornographic appeal, that it can at times be hard to tell whether the story's narrative voice is meant to be taken seriously or whether we're observing really great dry comedy that just never betrays itself. In case it's not already clear, I consider all of this a good thing.

By way of criticism, I agree with previous comments that the sudden change in narrative is ill-advised, particularly when we go from first to third person (but still focused on the same character) within the same scene. As you point out, some accomplished writers do this, but Faulkner, for example, usually maintained the same type of perspective (first person) from one character to the next, which made the narrative less uneven. He was also consistent with varying his narrating characters, whereas here we generally have a single consistent narrator, the President, and then one out-of-place aside. If the story was always mixing up the perspective throughout, as in your "Whorehouse" stories, that would be a kind of consistency in itself, but to have the story indulge in a single unexplained tangent all on its own is jarring.

...fuck I wish I'd thought to use those graphics myself. Sorry, just, it was a really good idea...

[curiousscouser]

I loved this story horse! It reminded me of a 50s B movie, and I agree with previous comments that it would make an excellent screenplay.

The way it was displayed looks amazing, but I ended up reading the story on the stories site rather than the forum (it's not possible for me to zoom in on one of the pictures to the point the text is readable on my mobile) and I don't feel that detracted from my enjoyment of the story in any way - it's strong enough to stand without those images.

Good luck in the challenge!

[ahorsewithnoname]

Originally Posted by curiousscouser

I loved this story horse! It reminded me of a 50s B movie, and I agree with previous comments that it would make an excellent screenplay.

The way it was displayed looks amazing, but I ended up reading the story on the stories site rather than the forum (it's not possible for me to zoom in on one of the pictures to the point the text is readable on my mobile) and I don't feel that detracted from my enjoyment of the story in any way - it's strong enough to stand without those images.

Good luck in the challenge!

Yeah, I can see how it would be excruciating to try and read on a mobile phone, lol. Aside from all of the other reasons I did it that way, it *would* make it impossible for robots to come in and scrape it.

[Hornycountryboy]

One last push!

[darthel0101]

Congratulations on the win

[snowleopard3200]

Congradulations.

[clarise]

Finally got around to reading this one. (I've been busy.)

Cool, Horse. Really cool.

I'm not usually into comic/folio books (didn't catch the fine print above the banner until I had finished), but your adaptation of Frost (Fire and Ice) pulled me right in.

Ordinarily I'm not into the near-future/sci-fi genre either, and I've been down on that whole scene lately, as I suppose you'd know if you've yawned through my Hunger Games rants.

Also, ordinarily all the incest would have turned me right off.

But it's just, sheesh-- really cool.

I guess if Suzanne Collins could write this well, I'd be in a better mood these days. You could give E.L. James a few pointers, too.

[Dizzyworks673]

Originally Posted by clarise

Finally got around to reading this one. (I've been busy.)

Cool, Horse. Really cool.

I'm not usually into comic/folio books (didn't catch the fine print above the banner until I had finished), but your adaptation of Frost (Fire and Ice) pulled me right in.

Ordinarily I'm not into the near-future/sci-fi genre either, and I've been down on that whole scene lately, as I suppose you'd know if you've yawned through my Hunger Games rants.

Also, ordinarily all the incest would have turned me right off.

But it's just, sheesh-- really cool.

I guess if Suzanne Collins could write this well, I'd be in a better mood these days. You could give E.L. James a few pointers, too.

It was a truley good story and really deserving of winning the last CAW.