THE MOON STONE, CAW11, by Hardrive

[Hardrive]

This is a non-erotic, SiFi Fantasy written for people who enjoy a good story.

Give it a look if you're in the mood and let me know what you think.

[Hardrive]

CAW11

THE MOON STONE

By Hardrive

It was bitter cold and the fridge air hurt Daniel’s lungs. Every breath felt like razors ripping open her chest, but, in spite of the pain… she was forced to… take in large gulps of air… to satisfy her desperate need for oxygen.

The struggle to the top of the ridge was exhausting. The icy terrain made the climb difficult, allowing her only a few steps forward for each step she slipped back. That was frustrating but she had no choice but to persevere and do everything in her power to get to the truck before sunset. Tonight was the second night of the new moon and there is nothing darker than a mountain forest on a moonless night.

Daniel had forgotten her flashlight and without it she’d never find her truck. That could be fatal in the sub-freezing temperatures that were expected that night. Fortunately, her struggle to reach the top of the hill was fruitful and she accomplished her goal with enough daylight left to give her time to catch her breath.

Letting the backpack slip off her shoulders, Daniel dropped to her knees and pulled off her gloves. Cupping her trembling hands over her nose and mouth, she let the air warm up in the palm of her hands before taking a breath. It was one of the many tricks she learned from her father during the years they spent together tracking deer and other winter wildlife in the snowy Appalachia woods. Those were the good old days, but her dad was gone now and it was up to her to carry on the family business.

After only a few moments of rest, Daniel looked up, and spotted her truck through the white misty clouds that streamed from her dry lips. That was encouraging, but the daylight was fading fast and there would be time enough to rest after she got the gear into the truck. With an audible grunt, she hoisted herself to her feet, and though every muscle in her body ached, the thought of sitting in the heated cab inspired her to move on.

As she approached the waiting truck, Daniel thought about the task that brought her to these cold and snowy woods. With a deep sense of satisfaction she reviewed her profitable day of hunting. For a while, she had almost given up. After hours of patiently sitting in her blind, high on the branch of a sturdy Birch, she had nothing to show for her patience other then a little frost bite and a very full bladder. Then her patience was rewarded. A herd of white tailed deer stopped to graze just a few hundred yards away. Finally, her luck had changed.

Peering down on the herd through her twelve hundred millimeter lens, Daniel rested her cheek on the gun stock and pressed it firmly against her shoulder. Through the viewfinder she followed a large 12 point buck and watched as it passed by a group of does. It paused momentarily to look at the females and then continued to walk away. Holding a steady beam on the large buck, Daniel took a deep breath and slowly squeezed the trigger. A satisfied smile curled her lips as the buck presented a perfect profile just as she got off her first shot.

It was a beautiful, but Daniel quickly fired off a few more shots just to make sure. Without hesitating she quickly moved to another target. It was a doe sitting with her faun. She didn’t hesitate to take 4 or 5 shots of the mother before moving on to the baby. Daniel waited until the faun lifted its head, its large brown eyes opened wide with curiosity. Two shots were all she was able to get before the faun’s head went down and she had to move on to a new target. Scanning the heard she spotted two yearlings looking directly at her. She got them both with one shot but then zoomed in and took individual head shots of both. All and all she was able to get dozens of excellent shots before the sound of her rapidly clicking shutter spooked the herd and they moved away.

Yes, Daniel was a hunter but her gun was a long lens DSLR Reflex camera mounted on a custom gun stock. That adaptation helped keep her aim steady and accounted for much of her success as a photo journalist. Some of today’s pictures would be very useful illustrations for the articles she’d submit to several environmentally conscience magazines. Articles she hoped would help save the habitats of her beloved animals. The rest of the pictures would go to various Nature Magazines.

The pictures of the does with their fauns were the meat and potatoes of her stock portfolio. People just loved pictures of baby deer huddling with their mothers. Those were the real money shots and for a moment Daniel thought about following the heard to try to get a few more pictures, but the light were fading fast and it would soon be too dark to work. That’s when she decided it was time to pack up her gear and head back to the truck.

The first thing Daniel did when she got to her vehicle was to turn on the motor and cranked up the heater. While the cab warmed up, she put away her equipment and prepared to enter a few notes in her micro recorder. She always started with technical data… camera settings, descriptions of the animals and the locations in which she found them. Once that was done, she gave herself a little creative leeway to record observations she knew would catch the reader’s attention.

Pushing the record button, she began to describe her surroundings. “It was twilight,” she spoke into the recorder “and the snow covered valley below was… Transforming.” Holding the pause button she stopped to think before continuing. “The sky above the horizon has turned a deep purple.” Pressing the pause button again, Daniel hesitated for a few seconds and collected her thoughts. “Several gold and orange colored clouds hovered low in the sky floating just above the setting sun. These are the moments when nature is at its most beautiful and…” Daniel paused again. “… and makes you realize what an awesome artist God is.”

Pausing the recorder again, Daniel looked towards the bottom of the hill and saw the blanket of snow that covered the valley right up to the tree line. She described that and added, “How peaceful and serine it all seems. Nature is beautiful beyond my limited ability to describe. Even at twilight when the stillness and the darkness take possession of the woods… turning the magical green garden into a mysterious and foreboding place… it is still more beautiful than any moral words can convey.”

Daniel smiled; pleased with her poetic prose she stopped the recorder and turned it off.

She was just about to get into her truck when she saw four streaking lights emerge from behind the pastel colored clouds. Watching them trek across the sky made her smile. She had seen hundreds of shooting stars before and they always brought back memory of her childhood. Her father told her the lights were meteorites burning up as they entered the earth’s atmosphere. But her mom called them wishing stars and encouraged her to stop and make a wish whenever she saw then. So Daniel closed her eyes and made a wish. When she was done she was about to turn away when she noticed that one of the lights suddenly made a sharp turn and was heading her way.

The strange movement of that one light caught her interest and held her in place as she continued to watch it move in her direction. This was clearly not a shooting star since it was obviously flying under its own power. It was some kind of craft, she thought to herself, but it definitely wasn’t like anything she’d ever seen before. A jet plane can’t make a ninety degree turn and helicopters don’t fly that fast. This was clearly something else so she continued to observe its movements as it came closer and closer.

When the object was about a quarter mile from her position, it suddenly turned and dropped towards the ground. Even at that distance Daniel could see that it had no lights but rather the body of the craft itself was giving off a glow. It had an oval shape but no identifying markings or other surface features such as doors or windows. Then it suddenly touched down in the meadow causing the snow to fly into the air leaving what speed boat enthusiast call a roaster tail.

The fast moving object continued to skim along the snow for several hundred yards before disappearing behind the timberline. Daniel expected to hear an explosion after the craft entered the woods but all she heard were tree trunks breaking and branches snapping as the object plowed deep into the forest. From her position on the rim, Daniel was able to track its course by following the line of topped trees it left in its wake. The devastation came to an end at a cluster of leaning trees whose branches swayed for several minutes after the crashing sounds stopped. Then there was total silence except for a flock of squawking birds flying around their former homes.

Acting instinctively, the photographer pulled a flashlight and a first aid kid from the cab of her truck. Slamming the door shut, she hurried down the hill towards the crash site. Her concern was only for the possible survivors so she left her camera behind and practically slid down the icy embankment. By the time she reached the bottom of the hill it was very dark but using her flash light it wasn’t hard to find the deep, long gouge the object left in the snow. Walking along the mound of freshly plowed snow lead her to the spot where the craft entered the woods.

Looking down the long dark corridor created by the fallen craft, Daniel’s flashlight revealed that it was boarded by broken vegetation and filled with a misty haze that gave the passage a very spooky appearance. It was with considerable trepidation that she followed the trail of fallen trees into the woods. Daniel had no thoughts about her own safety until she noticed that there was something missing. Normally, at this time of night, the woods were filled with the sound of thousands of small critters chirping and buzzing all around. These woods were very quiet and the stillness made her think that the forest itself was paralyzed with fear.

After a few seconds of hesitation, Daniel overcame her fear and continued walking slowly towards the crash site, but each step increased her growing sense of foreboding. What had she gotten herself into? She came to help whatever was in that fallen craft but she wasn’t sure who or what she would find. Once more the fear and uncertainty overcame her and again she stopped to reconsider her situation. This is crazy, she told herself. I don’t know anything about aircraft crashes. Looking down at the first aid kit she shook her head. What could she do with the supplies in this kit? Any saviors would be severely injured and would need something more than Bactine, Band-Aids and aspirin.

Daniel was just about to turn back when she noticed a light up ahead. Maybe the crash started a forest fire. That last thought caused her considerable concern. She imagined bodies burning and that was enough to make her forget her fears and run towards the light. When she arrived she saw that there was no fire, only a large glowing object half buried in a nest of up ended bushes and broken tree limbs. As she came closer she saw that the object came to rest at somewhat of an angle but otherwise it appeared undamaged. That was both surprising and unnerving considering the path of destruction it left behind.

Daniel was now sure that the craft was a UFO and most likely of extra terrestrial origin. It was smaller than she expected but it was still three or four times larger than her truck. It was oval in shape and smooth as a river stone but unlike her truck, it had no wheels holding it up. It just hovered about a foot off the ground and it glowed with an interior light that covered its entire surface.

The fact that this was not a man made object both intrigued and frightened her. If the military had seen this thing crash they would have sent a whole company of men, so what the hell was she doing here alone? Then she remembered. She came to look for survivors and offer assistance. Slowly making a full circular scan, she carefully scrutinized everything around her. The area was well illuminated with the eerie glow that came from the downed ship, but she continued to use her flash light to look into every nook and shadowy area around the craft. After a careful search she concluded that other then the broken ground and toppled vegetation, there was nothing.

Perhaps, Daniel surmised, the pilot was thrown clear of his ship or was so badly injured that it wandered off in a daze. Drawing on her skills as a woodsman, Daniel stood perfectly still and listened carefully for any sounds that might reveal the location of a wounded survivor. She listened hard but the woods were strangely silent except for the sounds of her deep breaths and rapidly beating heart. Then she heard a faint sound. It was a clicking noise that sounded familiar. In her state of apprehension, she thought it might be the sound of a weapon being cocked and made ready to be fired. The sound filled her with anxiety and it seemed to be coming from behind her. Turning slowly, she pointed her flashlight into the woods. Peering deep into the darkness, she saw nothing. Whatever it was, it was hiding from her or worst, it was staking her.

For the first time since she entered the woods Daniel became aware of the very real danger in which she had placed herself. If this was really an extra terrestrial ship, whatever piloted it across interstellar space had superior intelligence and no doubt superior weapons. Gripping her flashlight she explored that thought. Hell, if it only had a sling shot it would be better armed than her. All she had was a flashlight and a quickly growing supply of methane gas in her large intestine.

Alone and unarmed, if there was anything out there that intended to do her harm, she would be totally at its mercy. That dreadful thought conjured up visions of creatures with two heads, long fangs and tentacles holding deadly laser weapons. As is the case for most people that find themselves in mortal danger, Daniel began to pry. ‘Oh God please, don’t let me die like this.’ But her hope for divine intervention quickly faded when the clicking sounds returned. This time they were louder and seemed to be coming from behind her.

Fear totally paralyzed Daniel and she remained frozen in place until a faint sense of recognition blossomed in her head. The clicking sounds were somewhat like the sounds her camera made when she tripped the shutter. Closer scrutiny led her to the conclusion that the sounds were in fact identical to the sound of her shutter. That thought brought her to a new hypothesis. She wasn’t being attacked, she was being watched and whatever was watching her was also recording her movements.

Daniel’s dread began to diminish as she reevaluated her circumstances. If there was really a malevolent two headed creature standing behind her, it probably would have attacked by now. And if it was waiting to attack her later, she’d be better off turning to face it then waiting helplessly for the deadly onslaught. Face to face she’d have a better chance to defend herself so slowly turned to face her fear.

There was noting there. Releasing a long auditable sign, she allowed her body to relax and tried to calm herself. Surely any creature that could build a craft like this and travel across interstellar space could not be a murderous monster. Whatever piloted that craft was an intelligent being and probably came to earth as an explorer. The fact that it had not shown itself was probably because it was as scared of her as she was of it.

No sooner had those thoughts crossed her mind then a small gray colored creature appeared before her. It was standing in the very place she had looked before but seen nothing. Her experience as a hunter led her to surmise that it must have been there all along but was obviously using some kind of camouflage technology that made it invisible until it chose to be seen.

“You’re right Daniel.” The creature said in a clear and somehow familiar voice. “We have the ability to conceal ourselves and we also have the ability to communicate telepathically. You are wondering where you have heard this voice before. I took it from your memory. It is the voice of your high school volleyball coach, a man with whom you had a very close and trusting relationship. We know that a first contact is very stressful for you so we try to use familiar voices and sounds to help put you at ease. That’s why I used the sound of your camera’s shutter to get your attention.”

Daniel was startled by the creature’s response. What it said made perfect sense but she didn’t know how to reply until she heard herself say… “You look just like the pictures I’ve seen of aliens in magazines. Small, gray with a large head and big black eyes. Why do you all look alike?”

It was strange and incomprehensible that that would be the first question she’d ask an extra terrestrial visitor, but Daniel heard herself ask the question though she knew the words where never formed by her lips.

“Don’t be alarmed that you are speaking without forming words. You are responding telepathically and though you may not have wanted to say what you said, those were your thoughts and that is what was transmitted. To answer your question, I am wearing what you would call a space suit and this large head with what seems to you to be two big black eyes are just the viewing portals of my helmet. We all wear these space suits when we visit other worlds and that is why we seem to all look the same.”

Then Daniel heard herself talking again. She was like a smart ass kind that couldn’t control its mouth and so another dumb question emerged. “But why are you so small. You look to be about the size of a child.”

“Size is a relative thing and in space there is no particular advantage to being large. I am the size I need to be to perform the task I was assigned.”

“Task?” Daniel’s mind involuntarily formulated the question.

“Yes, I came to give you something that may answer many of your most pressing questions. Let me begin by answering a question that is at the back of your mind. Yes, I have been here many times before and your ancestors have known me as Gabrel.”

“You’ve come to give me something? But why me Gabrel? Why have you chosen me?

“We did not choose you Daniel, you chose yourself. As we passed by in our vessel we heard you make a wish and the nature of that wish direct us to you.”

“But my wish was a silly child’s dream. I wished for peace on earth even though I know that can never be.”

“On the contrary, that is how you were meant to live, in peace and harmony with your fellows and your environment. When you made that wish, we scanned your mind and saw that you are generous and brave and that we shared many common goals. That is why we decided to enlist your help.”

With those words, Gabrel, waved his hand and a stream of thoughts and images went past Daniel’s mind as he narrated a short history of mankind.

“Your brothers and sisters were assigned everything they needed to fulfill the goals they were created to accomplish. However, to do this you needed to have free will and that made you vulnerable. This vulnerability has caused your species to become distracted from your goals and to loose your freedom to corrupt and evil creatures you were meant to overcome and vanquish. This is the cause of our concern, that your species has left its assigned path to follow lesser creatures whose destiny is self destruction. They are holding on to life by holding you as hostages.”

“Who are these lesser creatures and why are they destined for destruction?” Daniel asked.

“They are a part of you that was meant to be a stepping stone in your evolution. Like the embryo’s placenta they were meant to be used and left behind when you were ready to move on. However, this part of you, the part that was created to be a link between the flesh from which you come, to the beings of light which you are meant to be…, have taken over your lives and misdirected your energies.”

In just a few seconds Gabrel showed me the full history of mankind and two possible destinies from which it can chose. He turned my head in one direction and showed me visions of wars, famines, pestilence and the eventual destruction of the world. Then he turned my head the other way and showed me a world at peace, living in a state of shared prosperity and wellness. In the final vision I saw myself standing at a crossroads with a long line of people standing behind me.

“Why are you showing me all this? Do you expect me to lead the world to its intended destiny? I can’t do that. I don’t know how. Just because I made a wish on a falling start doesn’t qualify me to become mankind’s savior.” Looking at Gabrel she pointed to him. “That’s a job for someone like you. You are advanced and have the knowledge and the power to change mankind and save him from himself.”

“You are asking me to do something that is beyond my power.” Gabrel replied. “We are all created to be sovereign beings and responsible for our own fate. My race has overcome its obstacles and moved forward. You and your kind must make your own decisions and accomplish your own goals. I can not directly interfere in the fate of mankind; however, I can respond to individuals who ask for directions. I can help them to help themselves. So, I will give you something that will help you to overcome your enemies so that you can help others to do the same.”

With these words the alien extended its arm towards me and opened its hand. In its palm it held a small oval stone that looked like a miniature replica of its craft. “Take it.” The creature said. “We call it a Moon Stone because it serves to illuminate the darkness. It will help you to see what your eyes can not see. With it you will be able to probe minds, project images and make suggestions that will influence others.

When you first use it, it will seem to work like magic but The Moon Stone is not a magical device. It is actually a thought amplifier that will enhance the powers of your mind. This is a power you are destined to acquire on your own, but your inner enemy has interfered with your progress by blocking your mind. This will overcome their interference.

Daniel hesitated for a moment. “Why am I being entrusted with this? I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I’m just barely out of college and take pictures for a living. I have no wealth or influence. You need to find a great statesman or some kind of genius thinker to entrust with this power.”

“Listen Daniel, most of the leaders of your world and the men of wealth and power owe their position to your enemy. They have chosen their master and are unsuitable to champion the cause of mankind. That is why we seek out the poor and the humble. And do not think that you are the first to be entrusted with the stone. There have been many before you and they have all been humble men and women who shared one common dream. And that dream is to free mankind from the path of self destruction. That desire is all you need to become a hero, a champion and a benefactor of your people.

Here, take the stone and do with it what you think needs to be done. Use it, don’t use it, you may even return it if you wish but you must tell no one about the stone. The enemy would surely try to stop you from using it or force you to use it for their purpose.”

With trembling hands, Daniel reached out and took the stone. The moment she touched it the stone flared with a blinding light and when she recovered her sight, she found herself back on the crest of the hill standing next to her truck. The digital recorder was still in her hand and the swarm of meteorites that she had seen before, continued their path across the sky and disappeared behind the horizon. It was as if everything that happened from the time she first spotted the streaking lights, didn’t really happen or it all happened in a flash.

Daniel felt confused and disoriented. For a moment she wasn’t sure of anything. Did she really have an encounter with an extra trestle or was this all some strange hallucination caused by not getting enough oxygen during the climb up the hill. Looking down at the valley she noticed there was no gash in the snow nor did she see a line of toppled tree at the entrance to the forest. But then she felt something warm in her hand. It was a small white oval stone like the one Gabrel gave her.

“Now what?,” she said with her eyes turned up to the sky. “What am I suppose to do with this little white stone or thought amplifier or whatever it is?”

There was no answer, only the flicker of a bright star that appeared above the setting sun. It was only a tiny light but it seemed to be telling her something. Then a thought entered her mind. It was a crazy thought that seemed to say that the world would not be left alone in darkness. A champion of the light had been chosen and she had to decide what she was going to do. That made no sense and she had no idea what it meant, but she did know one thing. It was getting late and she had a ton of things to do. She had to get home and review her days work. Get her pictures ready for publication and post them to her editor’s wed site.

Throwing the Moon Stone into the cup holder of her truck, Daniel promised herself that she would think about what happened tomorrow. Right now she had a ton of things to do, so she put her truck in gear and drove down the dirt road that led out of the forest. When she got to the paved blacktop she stopped and looked to her left. That road lead to the city and she considered going into town to have a few drinks with her friends. Her friends always had her back and she could tell them anything, but if she told them what just happened to her, they’d all think she was crazy and suggest that she go see a shrink.

Turning to the right, she decided to take the road home and give herself some time to think, but she wasn’t on the road a minute when she noticed blue and white flashing lights in her rearview mirror. She slowed down to let the emergency vehicle pass but instead of going around her, it came up behind her and flashed its lights. For some reason, she was being pulled over.

The officer took his time and it was several minutes before he opened his door and approached her truck. When he arrived she rolled down the window and asked with a tired smile, “What can I do for you officer?”

The officer’s face was devoid of expression as he asked for her license and registration. Daniel had no time for this nonsense but she was taught to treat all police officers with respect, so she just asked one question as she handed him the documents. “Is anything wrong?” Without giving her a reply, he took her documents and returned to the patrol car.

After about 10 minutes, he returned to her truck and stood by her door. Daniel opened the window and waited for him to tell her what this was all about, but he didn’t say a word. He just handed her, her license and registration attached to the top of a clipboard. Under her documents there was a summons which he asked her to sign.

“Wait a minute,” Daniel protested. “It says here that I failed to stop at a posted traffic sign. I came to a full and complete stop at that sign. In fact, I stayed there for several seconds while I considered whether I wanted to go into town or head home.”

The officer’s face remained unchanged as he informed her that she could request a hearing if she wanted to contest the ticket. Then he smiled and added, “But that would be a waste of time. The Courts,” he said, “always take an officer’s word over the word of a civilian. So, unless you have a video recording that proves that you made the stop, I suggest you just pay the fine and save yourself the Court Cost and the wages you’ll loose by attending the hearing.”

Daniel was stunned by the officer’s arrogance. “Why?” she asked herself. “Why is this asshole giving me a ticket for an offence he knows I didn’t commit?”

No sooner had Daniel asked the question than the Moon Stone she put in the cup holder began to glow. Within seconds she heard the answer to her question. Without saying a word the officer revealed that he gave her the summons because he was about to end his shift and needed to write one more ticket to meet his quota. That revelation really angered Daniel.

“That’s bull shit.” She said out load. “I can’t believe you’re giving me a ticket just to make your quota.”

Her sudden outburst surprised the officer. Of course, she was right but he knew she couldn’t prove it so that didn’t bother him. However he had to play his part so he Puffed himself up with false indignation and said, “Meme, we don’t have quotas. What we have is a sworn duty to uphold the law.” Then he tipped his hat and walked away.

That pompous reply got Daniel even angrier. She knew better than to get into a screaming contest with a police offer but she couldn’t control her thoughts. “You are so full of shit.” She said as he walked away.

Daniel was just about to drive away when she saw the Moon Stone glowing and heard the policeman moaning. Turning to see what was going on, she saw the officer leaning against the patrol car, bent over and holding his stomach. “Oh god!” he said as his stomach grumbled and whoopee cushion noises came from his pants.

Daniel couldn’t believe her eyes and ears. The officer was literally shitting in his pants, and from the sound of it… it was a very wet and copious discharge. Could it be? She thought to herself. Was this man’s problem a direct result of the negative thoughts she just had about him?

With genuine concern, Daniel stepped out of her truck and approached the ailing officer. “Are you all right?” She asked even thought she could smell that there was a very definite problem.

“No, I’m not all right you stupid cunt.” He lashed out at her. Then he gave her an angry look and added in a terse voice. “Get the fuck out of here and leave me alone.”

That discourteous outburst drained Daniel of all the sympathy she felt for the man. Her heated thoughts returned and as she opened the door to the truck she murmured something under her breath, “I hope he shits a a fuckin’ brick.” Again the Moon Stone glowed and the officer began to scream, “Oh no, oh god, no, no, no, please no!” as he ran screaming into the bushes. Than Daniel heard more whoopee cushion noises and some loud screaming that reminded her of the sounds a hen makes when it’s trying to lay an egg that’s too big for its ass.

After several minutes of grunting and heavy breathing the office called to Daniel. In a very tired and weak voice he said, “Please don’t leave. I need your help. Get me some paper towels and a bucket of ice cubes.”

Daniel smiled. “Sorry, I don’t have any of that. The only paper I have is the summons you just gave me.” The officer didn’t answer. After reading his mind she knew just what she had to do to motivate him. “I’m going to call 911 and let them know there’s an officer here that needs assistance.”

“No, don’t do that.” The officer begged. He knew his co-workers would tease him mercilessly if they found out about his situation. “Go ahead and toss me the clipboard with the summons pad. If you promise to forget about what happened here, I’ll forget about your traffic ticket.”

On her way home, Daniel thought about what just happened. With the help of the Moon Stone she had taken down a corrupt police officer and the unjust system that supported him. It was a small victory but it felt super cool to stick it to the man. And she was just a novice. Imagine how much better she’d be once she got the hang of it. That thought excited and exhilarated her.

Looking up at the sky she said, “Hey Gabrel, bring on the bad guys” but she got no reply so she added, “How is this going to work? Will I have to go after them or will they come after me?” Again, no reply so she said, “I guess I’m going to have to figure this out as I go. Sort of like, on job training?”
to keep up
Daniel pulled into her driveway and pressed the button on the garage door remote. As she drove into the garage she jokingly hummed the theme to the old Batman TV show. She was beginning to think of herself as a super hero but she had no idea what that really meant or how it would change her life. The only thing she knew for sure was that saving mankind was going to involve shaking up a lot of established institutions and kick a lot of pompous ass. Somehow that thought pleased her and made her think it would be a lot of fun.

THE END ?

Hope you enjoyed this story and will consider giving it your vote.

Writers really enjoy knowing what the reader thinks of his story, so if you have a few minutes.... please leave me a comment telling me what you think.

HD

[ELaken-Palmer]

This story seems (to me) to be less than finished... as if it were really just getting started. I didn't notice any reference to the photo that is supposed to be the basis behind this CAW challenge other than you used it in your illustration. As usual, you tell a good, creative story but, in this case, it doesn't lead to a conclusion.

[Hardrive]

[QUOTE=ELaken-Palmer;5106764]This story seems (to me) to be less than finished... as if it were really just getting started.

I see you noticed my question mark after I wrote (THE END?)

Yes there can be more to this story and I might write a part 2 if there is reader interest. Even "Gone with the Wind" was left open to a continuation when Scarlet says, "I'll think about it tomorrow."


I didn't notice any reference to the photo that is supposed to be the basis behind this CAW challenge other than you used it in your illustration.

Yes, I covered that with ejls. I asked if my story had to make an actual reference to the girl in the street since my story takes place in the woods. She said... "The picture is inspiration. Use it as literally or as broadly as you wish." .... However I do like to follow the guidelines and my story's connection to the photo is when Daniel walks down the corridor of broken trees in the the dark and misty woods... as illustrated in my graphic.


As usual, you tell a good, creative story but, in this case, it doesn't lead to a conclusion. [QUOTE=ELaken-Palmer;5106764]

The conclusion of the story comes when Daniel learns how to use the Moon Stone and accepts her role as the champion of mankind. Yes, the story can go on from there to describe further adventures and bigger and more deadly foes.

This could be my Harry Potter in the sense that it can go on and on. If the story develops a following I will write more chapters and maybe make it a novel.

Thank you for your observations and I'd be happy to entertain suggestions from you. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it.

HD

[ELaken-Palmer]

Of course, I liked it.

[snowleopard3200]

Hard drive it is a well written story for what their is of it. In the beginning I thought the deer were being poached or butchered by an insane hunter who had (pardon the pun) "buck fever."

The revelation of it being a lady taking photographs changes the situation you built by 180 degrees, and the relief is quite palatable.

For a story of human-alien contact; it is good with immense potential.

[snowleopard3200]

Forgot to add: I liked it.

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by snowleopard3200

Hard drive it is a well written story for what their is of it. In the beginning I thought the deer were being poached or butchered by an insane hunter who had (pardon the pun) "buck fever."

The revelation of it being a lady taking photographs changes the situation you built by 180 degrees, and the relief is quite palatable.

For a story of human-alien contact; it is good with immense potential.

Originally Posted by snowleopard3200

Forgot to add: I liked it.

Glad you liked the story and think it has potential to glow.... . You are a deer.

HD

[Wee Hector]

Great beginning to a long series of stories. Looking forward to reading more.

[Cheltenham]

Funny and clever. I liked it

Good luck in the challenge, HD!

[snowleopard3200]

Originally Posted by Hardrive

Glad you liked the story and think it has potential to glow.... . You are a deer.

HD

Cute...LOL.

[belizelarry]

I really liked it. A totally different approach of a popular subject. It would be interesting to debate the different use of the stone by a man as opposed to a woman. For control or for change?? Good start and please do write more chapters.

[Ukslut]

nice..

[Hardrive]

WHAT DO YOU THINK


Should Daniel become a super hero type and go out to fight evil... or should she just quietly do her thing, righting the wrongs she finds but keeping her existence and her powers a secret?

Or maybe... a little of both.

Let me know what you think?

[Hardrive]

It's been a few days since I posted the above and was surprised that it got no reaction. I guess no one is reading the story.

The above graphic was done half in jest but it does shoe that I have been thinking about how I should proceed with the adventures of Daniel and the Moon Stone. Taking on a whole planet of evil usurpers is not going to be easy.

The Enemy will have a lot of power and evil intent so her life will be in danger. Once they perceive her as a threat, the evil and malignant core of mankind's masters will stop at nothing to hold on to their power and riches. To beat them she will have to become ruthless... yet she will have to show understanding and mercy to the human underlings who have been tricked into collaborating with the evil system because they feel hopeless and helpless and are afraid to resist a system that can destroy them if they don't play along.

Once she starts exposing the evil creatures that are enslaving mankind and destroying the planet, she will be labeled a criminal and a terrorist. In order to keep her freedom and have a personal life, she will have to find a way to protect her identity and/or she will have to go on the run and assume different identities to stay one step ahead of the people that have been sent to catch and or kill her.

Being a super hero and savior of mankind is not going to be easy and she is going to have to find allies and recruit a small but dedicated army of like minded helpers.

Daniel will try to use Truth as her main weapon but the plot will become thick and dark as Daniel has to face and defeat demons and ruthless humans in order to save mankind. I see this developing into a cross between stories such as The Fugitive, The Matrix and Star Wars. The story will also provide a lot of opportunity to exposes institutions and policies that need to be looked at and there will be room for making lots of relevant social commentary.

The Moon Stone can be a hell of a story if I can find the time and the talent to tell it. If it is going to be done responsibly and credibility it will require a lot of research and thought.

Opinions and input?

HD

[UKM40]

You definately had me fooled about Daniel's intentions to the deer right up untill the first shots of the 12 pointer lol Well written and an interesting concept but it is screaming for more. Like ELP i felt it was not finished so please write some more lol

[Hornycountryboy]

Well HD, I must say this was different. I didn't know where you going with this, and must say I was starting to lose intrest, but I am glad I did finish it. There are so many ways this story can continue. I like the idea of super hero, but do believe she would be more herself by just doing her own thing, and figuring out how to control the gift she had been given.

Oh one tidbit I have, a couple of times you went into the first person saying "I" instead of the third person with "her", or "she." I don't know if that was done by choice of if done by mistake, but it confused me.

I must say I enjoyed this story. This will be a good series to follow if you decide to continue. Great job and good luck!

[Hardrive]

Thanks hcb. and uk. I can understand your analysis. You see I wasn't going to enter a story in this CAW but a friend asked me to help him get his story going. I began writing to create an example of how to start a story and build on an idea. Before I knew it, I had 10 pages and half a story.

My friend went with another idea and I stopped writing. About a week before the CAW deadline, (I thought it was 5/31) I decided to enter the story and rushed to finish it. That didn't give me enough time to do a final proof and review my work. On top of that I accidentally posted an earlier version that didn't have all the latest tweaks and corrections. Never the less the posted story is essentially the same as the final version except for some errors I corrected, some plot points I clarified and a few rough patches that I smooth out to make the story more readable.

I am thinking of adding to this story and turning it into a series or a novel. Daniel is just staring her adventure and I have lots of ideas. I'm excited about this story because it will give me an opportunity to make some political observations about what I think is wrong with our society. I just need to pick a direction and see if I can put it into story form without slowing down the action or getting too preachy. When I post the next part I'll send you a PM.

Again, thanks for your comment and for taking the time to read.

HD

[Distant Lover]

Hardrive,

You are unfortunate in that your first story which I read was "Teenage Girls for Sale." That was the best story I have read here, and a hard act to follow.

"The Moon Stone" is interesting, but it begins too slowly, and I get lost in the description. I will probably vote for it, but I want to look at the other stories first.

[Daddycums]

I have mixed feelings about this story. The premise is interesting, and despite what others have said, I don't think it moves too slowly. I especially liked the misdirection at the beginning with the gun-mounted camera. Brilliant!

The idea of a device that turns your thoughts to reality has been done several times before (The "monsters from the id" in Forbidden Planet, and Jerry in Michael Crichton's Sphere come to mind) but I think there's still plenty to explore about it.

For the most part, the story is intriguing and it keeps the reader's attention by always clinging to a bit of mystery, never quite revealing everything.

That said, it does have its faults. A sprinkling of technical errors, but nothing too egregious. And as Hornycountryboy pointed out, you did slip into first person perspective temporarily. All of that I can overlook.

I think the biggest flaw, however, is the ending. You start out with a tame, if a little spooky, tale of an alien encounter. You show Daniel as a bit of a naturalist, with nothing but good intentions. Even the alien points out that she's generous and brave and, in short, a good person. So he gives her the moon stone.

Then what is the result of her first use of her newfound power? Toilet humor. This story that started out with so much promise suddenly took a nose dive into the gutter.

Not only that, but it also reveals Daniel as vindictive and passive-aggressive in the worst way. Admittedly, this is her subconscious acting up rather than conscious choices she's making, and the officer did have it coming, but I would expect anyone the alien chose as the future savior of the human race to be above that.

I apologize for being so harsh. I'm just calling it like I see it. And you can even take my criticism as a compliment if you want; after all, I wouldn't have been so disappointed in the ending if I didn't enjoy the rest of the story so much.

[snowleopard3200]

HD - I have reread the story and shown it to many of my associates and friends; fairly much they agree on this - CONTINUE PLEASE!

There is much potential here for high drama, brute darkness bared to the light and defeated, and so much more. Continue with it.

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by belizelarry

I really liked it. A totally different approach of a popular subject. It would be interesting to debate the different use of the stone by a man as opposed to a woman. For control or for change?? Good start and please do write more chapters.

I'm sure Daniel will have a boyfriend who will act as an ally and advisor. This will give us the opportunity to see how a male would handle the situations she'll encounter. He'll have his opinions and provide some input, but in the end she's the one who will wheel the power of the Moon Stone and it will be up to her to decide how to handle her foes.... Sometimes she'll be right and sometimes he will have had the better solution. Daniel will not be perfect.

Speaking of "in put," do you think there should be some mild erotic content in this story? Some light and romantic descriptions of how the couple help comfort and de-stress each other.

HD

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by Daddycums

I have mixed feelings about this story. The premise is interesting, and despite what others have said, I don't think it moves too slowly. I especially liked the misdirection at the beginning with the gun-mounted camera. Brilliant!

The idea of a device that turns your thoughts to reality has been done several times before (The "monsters from the id" in Forbidden Planet, and Jerry in Michael Crichton's Sphere come to mind) but I think there's still plenty to explore about it..

Forbidden Planet and The Sphere are two excellent stories that demonstrate how the unrestrained power of the mind can be unpredictable and produce both positive and negative effects. I had that idea in mind when I wrote my story. .

Originally Posted by Daddycums

For the most part, the story is intriguing and it keeps the reader's attention by always clinging to a bit of mystery, never quite revealing everything.

Originally Posted by Daddycums

That said, it does have its faults. A sprinkling of technical errors, but nothing too egregious. And as Hornycountryboy pointed out, you did slip into first person perspective temporarily. All of that I can overlook.

I think the biggest flaw, however, is the ending. You start out with a tame, if a little spooky, tale of an alien encounter. You show Daniel as a bit of a naturalist, with nothing but good intentions. Even the alien points out that she's generous and brave and, in short, a good person. So he gives her the moon stone.

Then what is the result of her first use of her newfound power? Toilet humor. This story that started out with so much promise suddenly took a nose dive into the gutter.

Not only that, but it also reveals Daniel as vindictive and passive-aggressive in the worst way. Admittedly, this is her subconscious acting up rather than conscious choices she's making, and the officer did have it coming, but I would expect anyone the alien chose as the future savior of the human race to be above that..

You’re right, Daniel’s first use of her power is less than noble. But as you correctly point out, she does not yet know how to use and control her power. Her first use of her new power is directed by subconscious anger and aggression and not a conscious choice. (Remember what happened in Forbidden Planet, and the Sphere when mere mortals get enhanced mental powers.) In fact, at one point Daniel questions if it is really her negative thoughts that are causing the officer’s discomfort. If you consider that she is just a young woman with all the faults and limitations of her age and the natural anger that would emerge from being taken advantage by a person in authority, her thinking that the officer is “full of shit” and a desire to see him suffer should not really be that unexpected or beneath her moral standards.

Also, you might consider that part of the story, comic relief.

However, your reaction to Daniel's first use of her power demonstrates that I did not do a good job of getting my point across.

Originally Posted by Daddycums

I apologize for being so harsh. I'm just calling it like I see it. And you can even take my criticism as a compliment if you want; after all, I wouldn't have been so disappointed in the ending if I didn't enjoy the rest of the story so much.

Don’t worry, I appreciate your candor. Being told what you didn't like about the story is much more helpful than being told that you just loved the story with no additional comment.

Now, the question is… could the ending be redeemed by making a stronger statement that clarifies that Daniel’s actions were caused by her lack of experience with her power and her understandable but immature reaction to the officer’s abuse…. Or does the ending need to be completely changed?

I wish you had read the last version of the story. It’s a smoother read with better defined plot points.

thanks again
HD

[ejls]

I am not a huge sci-fi fan. When I first started reading this, I thought she was a hunter and then was pleased to see she was a photographer. I thought the story would be about that, until the UFO. The fact that she was given a power and didn't know how to use it (resulting in the toilet humor) is what I think would typically happen. We all know that we have those thoughts in our heads. Now look what happens when a power we've never had makes those thoughts come to life.

Proofing would have helped, especially when you changed from third person to first. It did not take away from the actual story, though. I think this is a good start to what could be a very interesting series.

Thanks, Hardrive. You are always entertaining.

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by ejls

I am not a huge sci-fi fan. When I first started reading this, I thought she was a hunter and then was pleased to see she was a photographer. I thought the story would be about that, until the UFO. The fact that she was given a power and didn't know how to use it (resulting in the toilet humor) is what I think would typically happen. We all know that we have those thoughts in our heads. Now look what happens when a power we've never had makes those thoughts come to life.

Proofing would have helped, especially when you changed from third person to first. It did not take away from the actual story, though. I think this is a good start to what could be a very interesting series.

Thanks, Hardrive. You are always entertaining.

Thank you ejls, you’re one of a few readers that actually gets my story. You understand that the protagonist is just a young girl learning how to deal with life and how to deal with these new powers she has been given. She doesn’t know what is expected of her or what she expects of herself. Whatever she becomes, she knows will be as a result of on the job training.

When I write a story I have three goals. The first goal is to entertain the reader. Keep the reader guessing and a little off balance so that he/she will want to keep on reading until he finds out what the hell I’m talking about. The second goal is to have something interesting to say. Make the reader think about what I’m talking about because he finds it interesting and or educational. I want him to walk away with a new perspective. My third goal is to make the reader want to read more. If I can do that, I’ve written a good story and any divergence the reader may feel about how I’ve told the story is just individual preference.

Thanks for the input and the vote of confidence.


HD

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by snowleopard3200

HD - I have reread the story and shown it to many of my associates and friends; fairly much they agree on this - CONTINUE PLEASE!

There is much potential here for high drama, brute darkness bared to the light and defeated, and so much more. Continue with it.

That is without doubt the best compliment I've gotten on this story. It is also the best reason for me to continue.

I am working on part 2 right now. If you'd like, I can PM you as soon as I have something readable and send you an early draft to get your opinion.

Thanks again

HD

[ejls]

bump

[Daddycums]

Originally Posted by Hardrive

Forbidden Planet and The Sphere are two excellent stories that demonstrate how the unrestrained power of the mind can be unpredictable and produce both positive and negative effects. I had that idea in mind when I wrote my story.

.

The only thing wrong with that in this case (and I'll admit this is really nitpicky) is that the theme of those stories is that power is dangerous when it falls into the wrong hands. In Forbidden Planet, any hands are the wrong hands. In Sphere, we are the wrong hands because we're not ready for that kind of power. But in the Moon Stone, we are meant to believe that Daniel is the right hands. Unless of course we're meant to believe that the aliens are untrustworthy, which I don't think is your intention.

Originally Posted by Hardrive

You’re right, Daniel’s first use of her power is less than noble. But as you correctly point out, she does not yet know how to use and control her power. Her first use of her new power is directed by subconscious anger and aggression and not a conscious choice. (Remember what happened in Forbidden Planet, and the Sphere when mere mortals get enhanced mental powers.) In fact, at one point Daniel questions if it is really her negative thoughts that are causing the officer’s discomfort. If you consider that she is just a young woman with all the faults and limitations of her age and the natural anger that would emerge from being taken advantage by a person in authority, her thinking that the officer is “full of shit” and a desire to see him suffer should not really be that unexpected or beneath her moral standards.

Also, you might consider that part of the story, comic relief.

However, your reaction to Daniel's first use of her power demonstrates that I did not do a good job of getting my point across.

I'm not so worried about Daniel's misuse of the power. Right now it looks like the aliens made a big mistake in choosing her, but that could easily be sorted out in the next chapter. (See below)

I'm more concerned with the abrupt change in the tone of the story. Comic relief is fine, but the toilet humor felt out of place and, frankly, rather juvenile when compared with the rest of the story. To take an extreme example, it's like reading War and Peace and then suddenly the Three Stooges show up in the last chapter. (My apologies to any fans of War and Peace, and/or the Three Stooges)

Originally Posted by Hardrive

Don’t worry, I appreciate your candor. Being told what you didn't like about the story is much more helpful than being told that you just loved the story with no additional comment.

Now, the question is… could the ending be redeemed by making a stronger statement that clarifies that Daniel’s actions were caused by her lack of experience with her power and her understandable but immature reaction to the officer’s abuse…. Or does the ending need to be completely changed?

I would never presume to tell you what to write, so take what I say here as just an opinion. I think the gutter humor pretty much ruins it for me. There's not much you can do about that if you don't plan to rewrite the ending. But as far as Daniel misusing her power, she can easily recover from her mistake if she has a crisis of conscience in the next chapter. If after she calms down she feels ashamed of what she did and maybe even wonders if the aliens made a mistake in giving her the power, then that crisis of conscience could give her motivation to train her thoughts so that she uses the power for good, i.e. she wants to become the type of person that the aliens believe she is.

Originally Posted by Hardrive

I wish you had read the last version of the story. It’s a smoother read with better defined plot points.

thanks again
HD

You're welcome. I'm glad you took my comments in the spirit in which they were intended, as constructive criticism.

[Wee Hector]

bump

[wantsomefun]

First, I think it's great that you posted a story with so many abrupt, but perfectly logical (eventually) changes, the apparent slaughter of the deer herd being the first of several excellent ones.

I agree with DC that the toilet humor was abrupt, but I was almost prepared for it. From the start, the story was about surprises. Even the gender of the main character was disguised, at least for me, by the spelling of her name. The fact that a young, impulsive woman who had just gone through a life-changing experience with E.T. would mutter to the cop that he was full of shit was almost expected. The fact that he suffered an assplosion was not, but hey, another surprise!

Maybe a crisis of conscience later in the story would be a good idea. She might even have some telepathy with Gabriel. Also, the introduction of a boyfriend and a little "interplay" could be interesting. Daniel's overall "goodness" could cause her to restrain her crime-fighting super-hero partner from doing evil out of anger, which could show her continuing maturity and understanding of her power. Make-up sex is optional.

So. You can do Lara Croft, armed with cameras and fucking Clark Kent. There seems to be something of a Judeo-Christian reference with your choice of the extra-terrestrial's name -- Gabriel, and there are a number of references to good and evil, so you have elements of morality play in it. Adding sex to the tale wouldn't hurt it, but even a platonic love with a like-minded male character would be nice.

I liked it a lot, and I'm anxious to see where you go with this.

[darthel0101]

Good story, well written, and what some see as flaws are necessary to the story due to the premise on which it is based. Continuing the story could even destroy the viewpoint that those "flaws" are actually problems.

One minor point, however. There was one other book written involving the granting of tremendous mental powers to humanity which also looked at "saving" the human beast from itself. The super-man in the title role ended up dead but his followers continued his work. At one point in Stranger In A Strange Land, reference made to a certain Jew from about 2000 years before and how he started with only 12 and taught them the core knowledge and then they spread their influence slowly to the majority of the world. Michael Valentine Smith took that comparison to heart and ALLOWED his followers to continue on their own although he could have easily avoided his perceived destiny.

How do you stop a racist society from being racist? Preventing the expression of racism only changes the tone of conversation; attitudes will still be expressed through body language, avoidance, and other non-verbal expressions. You outgrow it by not allowing the attitudes to be taught to the children, having them grow up together, seeing themselves without the background of bigotry. "MANKIND" cannot be "saved" from the outside, it has to grow up even as you mentioned in your story itself.

Maybe having Daniel start spreading the word to close confidantes about her wish and wishing object would be enough to start others down that same path?

[Hardrive]

QUOTE=Daddycums;5136328].

I would never presume to tell you what to write, so take what I say here as just an opinion. I think the gutter humor pretty much ruins it for me. There's not much you can do about that if you don't plan to rewrite the ending. But as far as Daniel misusing her power, she can easily recover from her mistake if she has a crisis of conscience in the next chapter. If after she calms down she feels ashamed of what she did and maybe even wonders if the aliens made a mistake in giving her the power, then that crisis of conscience could give her motivation to train her thoughts so that she uses the power for good, i.e. she wants to become the type of person that the aliens believe she is.

... I'm glad you took my comments in the spirit in which they were intended, as constructive criticism.[/QUOTE]




I never object to constructive criticism and I am not adverse to making changes if I think them necessary.

I consider you a good writer and your review caused me to re-read my story to see if I agreed that any of your major critics were valid and required me to make any changes.

I came to the conclusion that the story makes it clear that Daniel was not chosen because she was exceptionally noble or morally gifted. In fact she tells Gabrel that she is young and inexperienced and not worthy of the gift he offered her. He chose her anyway, knowing that she was not perfect but seeing in her a very strong potential.

Gabrel tells her that among the reason she was chosen was that she was humble and had a desire to help mankind free themselves from the internal enemy that has been keeping them from achieving their potential. Then he says, "I will give you something that will help you to overcome your enemies so that you can help others to do the same. ” I wrote that dialogue to let the reader know that Daniel was not perfect and would need to purge herself of her own demons before she could help others. So I think that your expectations that Daniel was noble and above doing what she did to the police officer, (even though it was not her conscious intent.) went beyond the premise of the story or the description of the character.

As for what you call "gutter humor," I think that what Daniel did was just what could have been expected when a young and feisty girl with newly acquired mental powers, meets a corrupt cop that tries to take advantage of her. That incident introduced her to her powers and gave the corrupt cop what he deserved. I and most of the other readers don't think she needs to redeem herself from her actions. And based on her youth, inexperience and personal flaws, I expect, that if provoked, she might do things like that again.

Please do not consider my response as a rebuff to your review. I am just telling you that after considering your critiques, that I don't think that my story needs any major changes. I may, however, rewrite some of the dialogue to make sure that the reader fully understands that Daniel is not going to be a noble and righteous heroin. She will be very human and subject to human emotions and reactions.... a condition that may improve as she makes mistakes and learns from her errors.

Again, thank you for your review and making me think more about how I will develop my character. I hope you will continue to read my story and come to appreciate that Daniel is only human... trying to become a better human.

HD

[Daddycums]

Originally Posted by Hardrive

I never object to constructive criticism and I am not adverse to making changes if I think them necessary.

I consider you a good writer and your review caused me to re-read my story to see if I agreed that any of your major critics were valid and required me to make any changes.

I came to the conclusion that the story makes it clear that Daniel was not chosen because she was exceptionally noble or morally gifted. In fact she tells Gabrel that she is young and inexperienced and not worthy of the gift he offered her. He chose her anyway, knowing that she was not perfect but seeing in her a very strong potential.

Gabrel tells her that among the reason she was chosen was that she was humble and had a desire to help mankind free themselves from the internal enemy that has been keeping them from achieving their potential. Then he says, "I will give you something that will help you to overcome your enemies so that you can help others to do the same. ” I wrote that dialogue to let the reader know that Daniel was not perfect and would need to purge herself of her own demons before she could help others. So I think that your expectations that Daniel was noble and above doing what she did to the police officer, (even though it was not her conscious intent.) went beyond the premise of the story or the description of the character.

As for what you call "gutter humor," I think that what Daniel did was just what could have been expected when a young and feisty girl with newly acquired mental powers, meets a corrupt cop that tries to take advantage of her. That incident introduced her to her powers and gave the corrupt cop what he deserved. I and most of the other readers don't think she needs to redeem herself from her actions. And based on her youth, inexperience and personal flaws, I expect, that if provoked, she might do things like that again.

Please do not consider my response as a rebuff to your review. I am just telling you that after considering your critiques, that I don't think that my story needs any major changes. I may, however, rewrite some of the dialogue to make sure that the reader fully understands that Daniel is not going to be a noble and righteous heroin. She will be very human and subject to human emotions and reactions.... a condition that may improve as she makes mistakes and learns from her errors.

Again, thank you for your review and making me think more about how I will develop my character. I hope you will continue to read my story and come to appreciate that Daniel is only human... trying to become a better human.

HD

That's fair enough. My main criticism is not that she used her newfound power unwisely. I was just reading her character a little differently than you intended. I was just disappointed in the sudden change of tone of the story from the eerie and well-written sci-fi tale to the "gutter humor." If instead of the "full of shit" thought, she had wished he tripped and fell and broke his nose, I probably wouldn't have given much thought to her human foibles.

So my complaint is not about realism or believability of her character, but about the tone of the story. I refer you back to my "War and Peace meets the Three Stooges" comment.

But hey, it's your story, not mine. Despite that one scene, I am interested in seeing where you take this, so I'll probably keep reading if you continue.

[ejls]

[GoodFather]

I liked it, but the description was a little too dense for me.

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by ejls

Is that an invitation? If it is... the answer is yes. I'd love to do the bump, bump, bumpy bump, bump with you.

HD

[DoyleGentry]

Bump

[Hornycountryboy]

Bump

[Hornycountryboy]

Bump

[ahorsewithnoname]

bump

[ahorsewithnoname]

motherfucking bump to get these stories to the top and JoeFuckheadDirty (and his little troll pornvision) below

[Wee Hector]

bump

[Hornycountryboy]

All aboard the bump train! Choo choo!

[Dizzyworks673]

Going for a ride on the crazy bump train!

[DoyleGentry]

bump

[darthel0101]

bump

[Dizzyworks673]

Bump

[Dizzyworks673]

bump

[Dizzyworks673]

Bump

[ahorsewithnoname]

Last weekend of voting bump!