Top tips

[smcaaphd]

Peanut!! Is that ewer cam outfit?

[King Nothing]

Post a pic of your butt and find out!!!

http://forum.xnxx.com/showthread.php?t=144517

[michael saint]

Monks. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the Internet.

[richief]

BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.

[michael saint]

EPILEPTICS. Next time you have a seizure, check yourself in the toilet mirror afterwards to make sure your best friends haven't drawn glasses on your face with a marker pen to the amusement of the rest of the nightclub.

[michael saint]

SHOE SHOP staff. If I ask for a size 9, and all you have left are a size 7 or 12, then for future reference, I would rather not 'give them a try.' Call it intuition or whatever, I just don't think they'd fit.

[tenguy]

Lowes management, it is a pretty good clue that your new "specialist" is not qualified when he spells the title thusly: "speculest".

Forty-five minutes wasted while I discovered he couldn't find the freaking computer keyboard, yet alone the door I was trying to buy. He spelled his title that way on the hand written quote he finally gave me (which was for the wrong item).

[thinskin]

Originally Posted by michael saint

Top Tip.

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and fuck off.

Originally Posted by michael saint

Top Tip.

MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.

Originally Posted by michael saint

Top Tip.

Travellers. When filling out an insurance document, in the part that says "In an emergency notify. put "Doctor" What's your mum going to do?

Originally Posted by michael saint

Top Tip.

SAVE MONEY on toilet paper by wiping your arse on a flannel. This can be re-used once your wife or girlfriend has washed it.

Michael

The best laugh I've had today.

Husbands: When your wife suggests that she would like a breast enlargement tell her to rub toilet paper between her tits because it seems to work for her arse.

Thinskin

[richief]

A MIXTURE of sour cream and mashed-up blackberries makes excellent imitation bird shit to apply to your neighbour's car after he's washed it.

[richief]

Originally Posted by michael saint

EPILEPTICS. Next time you have a seizure, check yourself in the toilet mirror afterwards to make sure your best friends haven't drawn glasses on your face with a marker pen to the amusement of the rest of the nightclub.

Or jump in the bath with your laundry and some washing powder, You can save a fortune this way.


Epileptics make sure you don't fall asleep by an open coal fire allowing your foot to fall in and giving your two sons such a laugh when you wake up and dance around the lounge shouting.
"Fucking hell my foot is burning"!

Mothers don't beat your sons if they do the above. They didn't know better and it was funny as all hell.

[joe blobb]

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

[Lookn4awillin1]

Originally Posted by joe blobb

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

Or you can clap two halfs of a coconut together to sound like a knight's horse.

[joe blobb]

FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.

[joe blobb]

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

[joe blobb]

Global Warming bores. Shut the fuck up and save tons of your precious carbon dioxide being needlessly expelled into the atmosphere.

[cijababe]

Originally Posted by joe blobb

FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.

A MIXTURE of sour cream and mashed-up blackberries makes excellent imitation bird shit to apply to your neighbour's car after he's washed it.

LMFAO!

[joe blobb]

Flat pack furniture buyers.

Take a menu from your local Chinese take away to help you assemble the unit as it will be as much use as the instructions that come with the unit.

[joe blobb]

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.

[joe blobb]

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by
not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

[joe blobb]

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

[nopanties]

Originally Posted by joe blobb

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.

plus, i think it might work!

[nopanties]

Originally Posted by joe blobb

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

OK
now it's official
Im going 2 burn in hell 4 all eternity
this made me madly
even tho Mom's blind
really

[richief]

QUEENS. Don't throw away old crowns. They make excellent cosies for Ming Dynasty teapots.




GCSE STUDENTS. Don't worry if you fail your Religious Education exam. Simply ignore the result and assign yourself an A grade, telling anyone who objects that it is your solemn belief that you passe


HOME OFFICE officials. Save the expense of sending David Blunkett on pricey trips to international conferences in South east Asia. Simply pop him in a flight simulator for eight hours, then sit him down in a sauna for two weeks feeding him chop suey flavoured Pot Noodles.


MUMS. MAKE bath nights more fun for the kids by playing 'moth aircraft carrier'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the bathroom lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.


HOUSEWIVES. Here's a splendid way of making your cooking oil go further. Simply leave it on the No.87 bus on the way home from the shops.

[joe blobb]

Originally Posted by nopanties

OK
now it's official
Im going 2 burn in hell 4 all eternity
this made me madly
even tho Mom's blind
really

. I laugh at cancer jokes so I hope your Mum won't mind.


Drivers, Don't bother with an expensive sat nav. The wife can send you in completely the wrong direction and drone on monotonously in your ear for free.

[smcaaphd]

[stilldontknow]

Toilet Goers: Sellotape some thread to your toilet seat and place the other end at the door. Then, in the event of a blown lightbulb, simply straddle the thread and reverse onto the toilet using the thread between your bum cheeks as a handy guide.

[demo5757]

If a bear is hungry,He will eat..

[smcaaphd]

[michael saint]

Men.
Show your wife who is the Boss by taking her to a Bruce Springsteen concert.

[smcaaphd]

[smcaaphd]

[tj01276]

Originally Posted by smcaaphd

Why can't you just but the beans in the water bottle?

This is not a top tip. I demand a better tip! (ut oh)

[michael saint]

Don't spend thousands of pounds on a jacuzzi.
Simply make your own by placing a hairdryer in the bath.

[AZRIEL]

ducked ape.jpg

[smcaaphd]