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Free Porn - Sex Stories - Porn Videos |
11-19-2009, 06:18 PM
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#51 | |
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Porno Junky
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 406
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Quote:
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11-19-2009, 07:09 PM
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#52 |
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Porn Surfer
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Camp Swampy
Posts: 19
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274258 49175 10 1085
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I am usually three degrees North of normal
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11-19-2009, 07:18 PM
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#53 | |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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Quote:
Top Tip. WANKERS. Save yourself a great deal of embarrassment by checking that none of your housemates have come home from work sick and are sleeping in their rooms before you put a porn vid on in the living room with the volume on high.
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You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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11-19-2009, 07:32 PM
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#54 | |
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A Fun Flirty Frisky Friendly Felion
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 37,003
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Quote:
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If anyone was to jerk the tail of a lioness, they shouldn't be surprised if they get just a little more than a friendly nip. - freespiritx A lioness and her human: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_3H0RbTDgo I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know...just to be sure. |
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11-19-2009, 07:38 PM
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#55 |
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Amateur
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 97
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Big issue vendors. Have blonde hair and big tits. That way you'll sell more copies.
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11-19-2009, 07:50 PM
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#56 | |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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Quote:
To be honest most of them are a bit close to home in my case...........  This one is completely true. Top Tip. WOMEN. WHY take two bottles into the shower when you can take about a dozen, cluttering up the shelf so there is no room for the single bottle of all over shampoo that we seem to be able to manage perfectly well with? For fuck's sake.
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You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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11-19-2009, 08:00 PM
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#57 | |
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A Fun Flirty Frisky Friendly Felion
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 37,003
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Quote:
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If anyone was to jerk the tail of a lioness, they shouldn't be surprised if they get just a little more than a friendly nip. - freespiritx A lioness and her human: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_3H0RbTDgo I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know...just to be sure. |
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11-19-2009, 08:26 PM
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#58 |
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Sex Lover
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 137
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The late Red Skelton had these words of wisdom in child-rearing...
When giving a small child a bath, Never stick your elbow in the water to test the temperature, you might burn yourself. Simply stick the kid in. If he turns red, the water's too hot. If he turns blue, it's too cold. |
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11-19-2009, 08:37 PM
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#59 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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Top Tip.
CONVINCE your neighbours that evolution is working backwards by not shaving for a week, walking to your car gradually more stooped each morning and wearing a monkey costume on the Friday.
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You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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11-20-2009, 08:50 AM
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#60 |
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Porn Surfer
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 27
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When dieting ess vie ein foygl.
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מענטש טראַכט, גאָט לאַכט
Mentsch tracht, Gott lacht |
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11-20-2009, 05:32 PM
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#61 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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Top Tip.
SKATEBOARDERS. Next time you come to a set of steps with a handrail in the middle, pick up your skateboard in one hand, grasp the handrail with the other and carefully walk down the steps. This way it won't be quite as painful on your bollocks.
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You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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03-13-2010, 01:40 PM
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#62 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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Top Tip.
Asthmatics, avoid any holiday destination where the scenery is described as "breathtaking"
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You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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03-13-2010, 02:07 PM
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#63 | |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,251
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Quote:
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03-13-2010, 02:16 PM
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#64 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,251
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A bounce dryer sheet in your pocket while playing golf will keep the gnats away.
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03-13-2010, 03:31 PM
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#65 |
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Sex Machine
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Tampa, FL
Age: 54
Posts: 880
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Top tip to get top treatment from any prostitute:
Negotiate for the lowest price, then just before service begins, pay double. Good times!
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Capitalism not Corporatism. Punish those guilty of fraud. We are too big to fail. We are the 99% So are YOU!
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03-13-2010, 03:46 PM
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#66 |
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The Curly Wurly Man
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Running through the mind of a Dark Haired Beauty.
Age: 52
Posts: 26,469
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DRIVERS. Overcome boredom on motorway journeys by closing your eyes for as long as you dare, then daring yourself to close them for longer.
ORIGAMI ENTHUSIASTS. Save money on expensive brown paper by simply folding Happy Shopper beefburgers. Also your final model can also be grilled, filling your house with the pleasing aroma of tramps' socks.
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Last edited by richief; 03-13-2010 at 03:48 PM. |
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03-13-2010, 04:15 PM
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#67 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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Top Tip.
MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
__________________
You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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03-13-2010, 05:12 PM
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#68 |
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The Curly Wurly Man
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Running through the mind of a Dark Haired Beauty.
Age: 52
Posts: 26,469
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About ten years ago I escorted a psychotic patient to his sister's funeral; at the wake after he and his two brothers, also psychotic were sat at a table just staring at each other with a pint of Guinness each. One wearing a beanie, the next a Rasta hat and the third and possibly the most ill was sat with a sombrero on his head.
It took all of my self control not to smile never mind laugh out loud, but then their sister came over with a plate of chicken and with a sweet smile said. "Don't they look twats". At that I could do nothing but giggle. 
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03-13-2010, 05:43 PM
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#69 |
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The Nauhgty Night Prowler
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: 22 Acacia Avenue
Posts: 11,490
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lmfao
Oh my God Micheal Saint is hysterical. His top tips have made my morning. *still giggling* |
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03-17-2010, 04:13 PM
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#70 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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 Top Tip. Travellers. When filling out an insurance document, in the part that says "In an emergency notify. put "Doctor" What's your mum going to do?
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You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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03-17-2010, 05:36 PM
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#71 |
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The Curly Wurly Man
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Running through the mind of a Dark Haired Beauty.
Age: 52
Posts: 26,469
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When your wife/girlfriend asks "Does my bum look big in this"? Never ever, ever say yes.
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03-17-2010, 05:46 PM
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#72 |
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The Curly Wurly Man
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Running through the mind of a Dark Haired Beauty.
Age: 52
Posts: 26,469
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CONVINCE your wife that she's 'followed through' during the night by slipping a chocolate button between the cheeks of her arse as she sleeps.
SPERM MAKES ideal 00-gauge tadpoles for model railway ponds. UGLY GIRLS. Become better looking by simply moving North. I know the last one is going to get me into trouble. 
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03-17-2010, 05:57 PM
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#73 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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Top Tip.
Football Fans. Worried about expensive season tickets for this football season? Spread the cost by paying for each game individually.
__________________
You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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03-17-2010, 06:13 PM
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#74 |
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The Curly Wurly Man
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Running through the mind of a Dark Haired Beauty.
Age: 52
Posts: 26,469
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AFTER A hard night's drinking, eat two heaped spoonfuls of Bisto granules before going to bed and 'stir' by gyrating your waist. The following morning's inevitable bum gravy will be nicely thickened.
FAT LADIES. Eat cakes, pies, chocolates, etc using only the tips of your fingers so you look dainty.
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03-17-2010, 06:22 PM
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#75 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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Top Tip.
WANKERS. Attatch a pedometer 2 your wrist and measure the calories that you burn. Then you can proudly tell your wife how much exercise you have done.
__________________
You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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03-17-2010, 08:14 PM
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#76 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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Top Tip.
SAVE MONEY on toilet paper by wiping your arse on a flannel. This can be re-used once your wife or girlfriend has washed it.
__________________
You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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03-17-2010, 11:24 PM
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#77 | |
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zOMGorgeous
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Here About
Posts: 31,881
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PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets. Peanuts are always the right size 
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I'm not here for love or lust - I'm only here for profit  Quote:
 level 5 - ''There are no more levels'' - {Ilion}moderator   |
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03-17-2010, 11:33 PM
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#78 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA (The Dirty D is always in my heart!)
Age: 32
Posts: 5,762
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Pro-tip: A raw egg on top of your clock will prevent you from sleeping through the alarm.
Animal companions perfectly accentuate a cop's uniform. |
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03-17-2010, 11:35 PM
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#79 | |
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zOMGorgeous
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Here About
Posts: 31,881
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Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
__________________
I'm not here for love or lust - I'm only here for profit Quote:
level 5 - ''There are no more levels'' - {Ilion}moderator |
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03-17-2010, 11:45 PM
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#80 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA (The Dirty D is always in my heart!)
Age: 32
Posts: 5,762
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Anorexics. When your knees get fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.
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03-18-2010, 09:24 AM
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#81 | |
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Porno Junky
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 260
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Quote:
And another plus side is that you can give it to your friends!
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I've got this strange effect on you... and I like it... Once upon a time, on a dreary autumn day, Satan got possessed by me... |
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03-18-2010, 07:33 PM
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#82 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he/she is at the moment. The phrase 'he/she will be five next birthday' involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful.
__________________
You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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03-18-2010, 07:36 PM
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#83 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA (The Dirty D is always in my heart!)
Age: 32
Posts: 5,762
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Parents. I'm never as interested in talking about your children as you are.
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03-18-2010, 07:37 PM
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#84 |
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The Curly Wurly Man
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Running through the mind of a Dark Haired Beauty.
Age: 52
Posts: 26,469
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PRETEND to be a tiny person by pouring all the crisps from a multi-pack bag into the big bag they came in, and eating them out of that.
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03-18-2010, 07:55 PM
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#85 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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LADIES. Recreate that special holiday romance by drinking 16 cocktails & letting a sweaty waiter bend you over a bin.
__________________
You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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03-18-2010, 08:06 PM
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#86 |
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The Curly Wurly Man
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Running through the mind of a Dark Haired Beauty.
Age: 52
Posts: 26,469
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GIRLS. GET those old 70's bell-bottoms from the wardrobe, cut the legs off and sew them back on upside down. They will then fit you once more.
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03-18-2010, 08:08 PM
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#87 |
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The Curly Wurly Man
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Running through the mind of a Dark Haired Beauty.
Age: 52
Posts: 26,469
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SAVE MONEY on milk by not reporting your neighbour's death. You can even leave a note for their milkman to bring more expensive items like chicken or spuds.
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03-18-2010, 08:21 PM
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#88 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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TEENAGERS. Make sure your dad doesn't find out you've been watching his porn by not whistling the theme tune to Emmanuelle at the dinner table.
__________________
You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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03-18-2010, 08:24 PM
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#89 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA (The Dirty D is always in my heart!)
Age: 32
Posts: 5,762
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O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel That mourns in lonely exile here Until the Son of God appear Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Israel. O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free Thine own from Satan's tyranny From depths of Hell Thy people save And give them victory o'er the grave Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Israel. O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer Our spirits by Thine advent here Disperse the gloomy clouds of night And death's dark shadows put to flight. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Israel. O come, Thou Key of David, come, And open wide our heavenly home; Make safe the way that leads on high, And close the path to misery. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Israel. O come, O come, Thou Lord of might, Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height, In ancient times did'st give the Law, In cloud, and majesty and awe. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Israel. |
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03-18-2010, 08:35 PM
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#90 | |
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zOMGorgeous
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Here About
Posts: 31,881
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Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house
__________________
I'm not here for love or lust - I'm only here for profit Quote:
level 5 - ''There are no more levels'' - {Ilion}moderator |
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03-18-2010, 08:37 PM
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#91 | |
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The Curly Wurly Man
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Running through the mind of a Dark Haired Beauty.
Age: 52
Posts: 26,469
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Quote:
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03-18-2010, 08:45 PM
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#92 |
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The Curly Wurly Man
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Running through the mind of a Dark Haired Beauty.
Age: 52
Posts: 26,469
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ANNOY AND frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying “Big Mac Meal, please.”
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03-18-2010, 08:45 PM
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#93 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA (The Dirty D is always in my heart!)
Age: 32
Posts: 5,762
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WTF's a SpecSavers?
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03-18-2010, 08:49 PM
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#94 | |
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The Curly Wurly Man
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Running through the mind of a Dark Haired Beauty.
Age: 52
Posts: 26,469
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Quote:
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03-18-2010, 08:53 PM
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#95 | |
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Canadian Beaver
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 16,411
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03-18-2010, 08:56 PM
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#96 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA (The Dirty D is always in my heart!)
Age: 32
Posts: 5,762
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I wanna buy my glass there!
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03-18-2010, 08:56 PM
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#97 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: In my house.GMT
Posts: 6,096
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Builders .for many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing
ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical - leg warmers. As a builder saving money and staying warm are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.
__________________
You say OCD......................I say tidy.
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03-18-2010, 09:02 PM
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#98 | |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA (The Dirty D is always in my heart!)
Age: 32
Posts: 5,762
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03-18-2010, 09:07 PM
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#99 | |
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zOMGorgeous
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Here About
Posts: 31,881
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__________________
I'm not here for love or lust - I'm only here for profit Quote:
level 5 - ''There are no more levels'' - {Ilion}moderator |
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03-18-2010, 09:10 PM
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#100 |
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Porn Star
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA (The Dirty D is always in my heart!)
Age: 32
Posts: 5,762
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