Joke Thread

[Orpheus]

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

[Orpheus]

Sad fact

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.

The firearms death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington D.C.

[Old Tool]

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having a reaction.

"Where was she bit?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole." was the reply.

He then replied, "Wow! She must have been standing right over the hive."

[mr_horndog2002]

One night Shaun was down at the local pub enjoying a drink, actually had been there most of the evening. He reached for his drink and it slipped from his fingers and crashed to the floor.

Kevin the bar keep yells at Shaun " That's it for ya kiddo, you'll be on your way now. "
Shaun turns to stand and leave, when he falls flat on his face. Damn, he thinks I must be drunker than I thought.

So he tries to pull himself up and falls again. Now talking to himself he says, I'll crawl to the door and when I go out the fresh air will perk me right up and I'll be fit enough to go home.

So Shaun, crawls across the floor, up 3 steps and out the door. Laying on the front stoop he takes a deep breath tries to get up and falls again.

He only lives 2 doors down from the pub so he decides to crawl home. On the concrete in front of his house, Shaun crawls up 5 steps, works his key in the lock and crawls thru the door thinking that he can't remember ever being this drunk.

He crawls up the stairs, strips down and somehow gets into bed with his sleeping wife without waking her.

The next morning he wakes up, smells fresh coffee and is about to get up when his wife comes in.

" Shaun you dog, you really tied one on last night did ya? She asked. "What makes ya say that now woman? he replied.

" Well" she said, "Ya left the front door wide open, the knees are ripped out of your pants, and Kevin called he said you left your wheelchair at the pub again.

[kcoumas]

this man and his wife were out for a round of golf one day and the wife makes a bad shot and nails some dude's window. the husband is pissed. he's yelling at his wife about what an idiot she is and now he's gonna have to pay for that window. so they walk up to the door and there is a man standing on the porch with a huge grin on his face. the couple look at his abashed. they offer to pay for the window but he refuses saying that the golf ball hit a lamp near the window and that he was a genie. they had released him after 1000 years of imprisonment. so the genie says in gratitude i'll give you 3 wishes and keep the third for myself if thats ok. they agree and the man wishes for $1,000,000.

the genie waves his hand and says "done. and because im so grateful you will get another million every year till you die." the wife asks for a mansion in every country in the world. the genie waves his had again and says "done. and as a bonus those mansions are protected against disasters and will have lots of maids and butlers."

then it was the genie's turn. he told them that after a 1000 years of imprisonment he was horny as hell and wanted to have sex with the wife. the couple talked it over for a minute and agreed. so she went upstairs and the husband grabbed a magazine and started to read. the genie and the wife were up ther for good 3 hours when the genie rolls over and asks her age. she says she 26. the guys laughs and says " you're 26 and still believe in genies?"

i got plenty more if anyone wants more?

[Igor]

An Eskimo was out driving in Wales.

He breaks down. He's looking under the bonnet at the engine when a couple of Welsh guys walk by, one of them says,

"Looks like you've blown a seal".

The Eskimo replies,

"Yeah so what? You shag sheep!"

[tenguy]

Originally Posted by Igor

"Yeah so what? You shag sheep!"

Permission to steal this one?
I love it

[ShakeZula]

A priest and a rabbi were attending a boxing match. The rabbi notices one of the boxers kneel in his corner and cross himself before the fight starts. He turns to the priest and says "What does it mean when he does that?"

The priest says, "Not a damn thing if he can't box."

:D

A hindu monk, Pat Robertson and a jewish rabbi are driving to an interfaith conference when their van breaks down on a country road. They spy a farmhouse and decide to ask for shelter for the night, after which they will see about getting their van repaired and on their way. The farmer is happy to put them up but says he only has room for two extra people in the house. "On of you will have to sleep in the barn."

The Hindu says he doesn't mind, he will sleep in the barn. A few minutes later there is a knock at the door. It is the hindu monk. "I'm sorry, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a cow there, it is a sacred animal. I cannot defile the sleeping quarters of this most holy creature."

The rabbi says no problem, he'll switch places. A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door. It's the rabbi. "I most humbly apologize, but there are also pigs in the barn. A pig is an unclean animal, I can not sleep in the presence of an unclean animal."

Pat Robertson smiles calmly and says not to worry, he will gladly sleep in the barn, he doesn't mind cows or pigs or any of God's noble creatures. A few minutes later there is a knock at the door.

It's the cow and the pigs.

:D :D

-S-

[Igor]

This has been posted before (I think)...

A charity event being held at an orphanage is attended by doctors, lawyers, and priests.

A fire breaks out.

The doctors say, "The children!"

The lawyers say, "Fuck the children."

The priests say, "Is there time?"

[ShakeZula]

Originally Posted by Igor

This has been posted before (I think)...

A charity event being held at an orphanage is attended by doctors, lawyers, and priests.

A fire breaks out.

The doctors say, "The children!"

The lawyers say, "Fuck the children."

The priests say, "Is there time?"

LMAO :D:D

Jimmy Callahan is in the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"Oh, it's you, Jimmy. What now?" Says the priest.

"I committed sins with a girl."

"What kind of sins?" asks the priest.

"Well, there was kissing and I put my hand inside her shirt and she put her hands in my pants and...stuff."

"I see. Who was this girl, Jimmy?"

"I can't tell you, father. I don't want her to get in trouble, too."

"Was it Mary Kirkpatrick?"

"No, father."

"Hmm... what about Susy O'Reilly?"

"No father, I don't want to say."

"Was it Kathy McGrady," asks the priest.

"No father, I really can't say." says Jimmy.

"I see you that you don't intend to tell me," says the priest. "Very well, Say 10 'Our Fathers', 15 'Hail Marys' and do an act of contrition. Be off with you."

As Jimmy leaves the church his friend, who was waiting outside, asks "So, what did you get?"

Jimmy smiles, "Three good leads."

-S-

[kcoumas]

a trucker drives to a gas station and an old lady hobbles out. the trucker tells the lady he has $500 and he needs gas a ham sandwhich and the ugliest girl she had. the old woman smiles at him and says " mister for that money you can fill your truck up, get a steak and the prettiest girl i got." the trucker shakes his head and says "no mam im not horny im homesick."

[Orpheus]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "More than likely deer hunting or fishing with his buddies."

[Panty Pervert]

A three legged dog walks into a bar,and says...
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

I know..


This guy waks into a bar and orders 3 shots.
The bar keep set them up, and the guy proceedes to slam all 3.
"Set 'em up again"
The barkeep complies.
Once more the guy slams all 3 down.
"Again!'
The barkeep looks at he man and says "You ok mister?
"I'm just celebrating my first blow job!"
"Well shit man, let me give you one one the house!"
The guy shakes his head and somberly says "No thanks, if 9 shots don't get the tatse out of my mouth, NOTHING will!

[Orpheus]

If you're not familiar with the work of Boswell D. Rabbitsmith, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems: (He also makes his living as a comedian by the name of Steve Wright....)


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not being smart enough to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death...twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work

[Panty Pervert]

What's the best thing about dating a homeless chick?
When the date's done, you can drop them of any where!

[Orpheus]

These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out] .

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being.It was his father's fault.

15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer fo! R missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Ple ase excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!

[smcaaphd]

A note received from another parent

Dear Mrs Smith

Tommy was absent from school yesterday because of illness.

Signed

His mum

[Orpheus]

Would you like to live in these locations?

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Bastard (Norway)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Cunt (Spain)
Cunter (Switzerland)
Dikshit (India)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Effin (Limerick, Ireland)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Tittybong (Australia)
Tong Fuk (Japan)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Wank (Germany)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankum (Germany)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

[Orpheus]

9 TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS:

Ms. Nice Guy
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller
"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control
"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

[Orpheus]

Alabama Quarter

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.


The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.


"We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."


The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.


"The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama quarter, which was created by an Auburn University MBA graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

[davetrucker]

A Blonde had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut up a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his
pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded
the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!". He then went to her
car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh
you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his
truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her
she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her
tires. Now she's laughing.The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on her car and
sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is
about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

[trumpet]

I rang my local swimming baths the other day. I said "Is this my local swimming baths?". The bloke said "It depends where you're calling from."

I rang a building firm and said "I want a skip in my front garden." He said "I'm not stopping you."

I saw this bloke in the street and he was wearign an anorak and the hood kept jiggling about while people threw money at him. I said to him "Do you make a lot of money from that?" He said "Yes. It's my livelihood."

[brunesherlock]

Little johnny walks in on his mum in the shower. He points at her pubic hair and asks whats that mummy. she replies thats my sponge Tommy
Tommys mother goes into hospital soon after while shes in there they shave off her pubic hair. again tommy catches his mother in the shower and asks her where has her sponge gone she replies i lost it tommy.he shakes his head and walks out. A couple of days go past when tommy comes running into the house and says mummy mummy ive found your sponge the lady next door is washing daddys face with it.

[Empress Lainie]

Here is a good reason to become a transgendered person:

YOU GET A PRIVATE ROOM IN THE HOSPITAL

[Sam Quentin]

What do you call a hot-tub full of lepers?




Soup

[Ilion]

Friday:

Husband: Oh darling, we could afford a beautiful weekend to ourselves.

Wife: Great idea.

Husband: Ok then, see you in Monday.

[Orpheus]

Anyone here about the gay midget?










He finally came out of the cupboard.

[can i be your sex kitten]

Originally Posted by ShakeZula

THIS JOKE USES THE "N" WORD...

...but not in a really negative way. I won't spell it out, I'll use astrisks. I don't want to offend anyone more than I have to. It's sort of in the context that if black people use it among/about other black people it's okay. Even though I myself am not black, I hope anyone who might be offended realizes it's just a joke.

A little black boy is playing in his family's garage when he comes across a can of white paint. He has a brilliant idea and decides to paint himself and be a 'white boy'. He covers himself head to toe and goes in the house to show off.

"Look mom, I'm a white boy!"

"Jesus H. Christ!" she screams, and is so surprised she smacks him across the face. "Boy, you better get upstairs and wash that stuff off before your Daddy comes home or he's gonna beat your ass."

The boy leaves the room and heads for the stairs. As he reaches them meets his older sister, just coming down the stairs.

"Hey sis, I'm a white boy, check it out!"

"Damn!" and she knocks him on his ass. Laughing she said "boy, Daddy's gonna beat yo' ass when he sees you. You better wash that stuff off."

Dejected and a little hurt, the boy picks himself up and makes it up the steps. Here, he meets his older brother. Figuring it was worth one more try, he says "Look bro, I'm a white boy."

"Holy shit!" and he gives him a quick punch, just because he's the older brother and figures he needs to teach his younger brother a lesson about being stupid. It sends him rolling down the steps and his older brother follows. Stepping over him he says, "I can't wait till dad sees you, he's gonna spank yo' ass."

Just as the boy begins to go back up the steps, here comes his father. And sure enough, spanks his ass. "No go upstairs and wash that shit off!"

The boy begins to walk up the steps and mumbles to himself. "I only been a white boy for 10 minutes and I already hate them N******"

Hope no one is too offended by that. If it makes anyone terribly angry, let me know, I'll edit it out. I think it's funny, anyway.

–S–

you took my joke i was gonna put up!!

[Ilion]

An Arab at the airport:
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel...
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
No, no! Deers run too fast !

[kcoumas]

how do you keep 5 niggers from raping a white woman?
throw them a basketball.
wats the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
you can shovel dead babies out the back.
where does a jew sit in a VW?
in the ashtray
hope noones too offended...

[Orpheus]

Anyone hear about the agnostic insomniac?












He would just lay in bed all night wondering if there really is a 'Dog'.

[Themis]

Originally Posted by Orpheus

Anyone hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?












He would just lay in bed all night wondering if there really is a 'Dog'.

Fixed

[Orpheus]

Originally Posted by Themis

Fixed

Ha !
Thank you!

[MusicMachine]

Teacher noticing a puddle under Mary's desk: "Oh Mary, why didn't you put your hand up.?"

Mary :"I did miss, but it dribbled through my fingers!"

[Sam Quentin]

A nun walks ups to a Scot, who is dressed in a kilt.
The nu looks at the Scot, and says "Is it true?"
The Man looks at the nun, asks "Is what true, sister?"
She reply's in wonder "Is it true, that you have nothing on underneath?"
Not being shy he says "Why don't you take a look?"
So the nun kneels down, lifts up his kilt, takes a look and exclaims "Oh my goodness! It's gruesome!"
The Scot smiles and says "AYE, and if ye take another look, ye'd see it grew some more!"

[givinup]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch .'

[SuperMurk]

An Irishman is on a plane with four engines and the plain is full, 30 minutes into the flight an announcement came on saying that one of the engines blew and that they would be delayed 20 mins, 10 minutes later, the message came on again saying that the second engine had been gone and now they'd be 5o minutes late, another 30 minutes pass and a message comes on saying the third engine blew and they would be an hour and a half late to which the Irishman replied "damnit if the fourth one goes out we'll be stuck up here all day"

[chunky]

Grandma decides to introduce her teenage grandson to the world of sex. Things are going along very nicely when suddenly, the boy's father storms into the bedroom.
The boy panics, jumps up and begins to pull on his clothes.

"What do you think you're doing?" shouts the father "How dare you fuck my mother!"

"Cool your boots son" said the Grandma calmly ... "you fuck his, don't you?"

[lollylover]

(1)

Little Tommy sitting in the bath.

"Mummy, is this my brains?" he asks, pointing to his prick

"Not yet" his mother replies


(2)

two old ladies sitting in a cafe.

"Did you come on the bus?" Doris asks

"Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack" Ethel replies

(3)

What do women and police cars have in common?

They make lots of noise and let you know when they're coming!


(4)

A man walks into a fish and chip shop carrying a salmon under his arm.

"Do you sell fish cakes?" he asks

"Sorry, no we don't" he's told

"Pity" the man says, pointing to the salmon, "it's his birthday"

(5)

A little boy is playing with his train set. In the kitchen his mum hears him saying
"All of you bastards getting off, fucking-well hurry up. All of you getting on, move your fucking arses!"

Mum sends him to his bedroom for a couple of hours until he learns to play nicely.

When he starts playing again later mum hears:
"All passengers disembarking please mind the step and have a nice day. Those passengers boarding the train, please enjoy your journey. Any passengers upset at the two hour delay, blame the fat bitch in the kitchen"!

[eldercyn]

Why do Doctors slap newborn babies on the butt?

It knocks the dicks off the dumb ones.

[lollylover]

I was at a cashpoint (ATM!) the other day when an old lady asked me if I would help her check her balance.

I said "okay" ... and pushed her over!

[oldiegoody]

A really hot and sexy 20 year old woman and a ninety year old man show up at a 5 star hotel having made reservations for the bridal sweet on their wedding night. The staff are laughing behind their backs and taking bets on whether the old guy will survive the night or have a heart attack.
The next morning, at 6 AM, to every ones surprise the old guy comes trotting down the stairs, orders a big breakfast, looks great and asks where he can go for his morning jog. The staff is completely flabbergasted.
About 10:AM the poor girl comes down in the elevator, she can hardly walk. She hobbles into the dining room and orders 3 cups of strong coffee, she looks like hell.
Finally one of the waitresses can't stand it any more and asks her" Honey I don't understand it. Your husband must be 90 and he was up at 6, ate a big breakfast and went jogging. Here you are at 10' looking like hell and can hardly move, what happened?" The young lady replied "I think I've made a big mistake. He told me when he asked me to marry him that he had been saving it all for the right woman all his life, and I thought he was talking about money!".

[Panty Pervert]

Hear about the canibal that passed his brother in the forest?

[Igor]

An Englishman, an Australian and an Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[Ilion]

Originally Posted by Igor

An Eskimo was out driving in Wales.

He breaks down. He's looking under the bonnet at the engine when a couple of Welsh guys walk by, one of them says,

"Looks like you've blown a seal".

The Eskimo replies,

"Yeah so what? You shag sheep!"

I’m few posts behind but this one is great:D

[smcaaphd]

Originally Posted by Panty Pervert

Hear about the canibal that passed his brother in the forest?

No, what's the punchline?

FOR SALE

Complete set of encyclopedias - 45 volumes, excellent condition.

£1000.00 ono

Genuine reason for sale - recently married, wife knows FUCKING everything

[stumbler]

I'm sure I've put these up on other threads but thought they might be worth retelling here.

Chelsea Clinton goes out on a date and is very late getting home. Hillary asks her how the date went and Chelsea launches into an enthusiastic explanation about how great the guy was and that she might just be in love.

"You didn't have sex with him did you?" Hillary asks.

"Well not according to dad" Chelsea says.


A father is determined to talk with his son about the dangers of sex. He enters his sons room and begins by warning him that; "Son if you masturbate too much you could go blind."

And the son responds with; "Dad, dad, I'm over here."

[stumbler]

This one is a blast from the past and might not make much sense for anyone not around in the 1960's but I'll chance.

A hippie is wondering down the street when he notices a guy in a hard hat jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming 38 at the top of his lungs.

The hippie stops and asks the construction worker what he's doing and the construction worker responds getting high. "If you think that pot, LSD and speed will get you high you should just try this," he adds.

The hippie, always looking for a new high decides to take him up on it and gets on the manhole. He jumps in the air screams 38 and then tells the construction worker he's not feeling anything.

"That's because you're not jumping high enough and screaming loud enough," the hard hat tells him. "Just really get into it. Jump higher and then you'll begin to see the colors."

The hippie then starts to jump even higher and screaming 38 louder and then at the apex of his jump the hard had suddenly jerks the manhole out from under him and as the hippie crashes into the sewer quickly replaces it jumps up in the air and screams 39!

[crazyazaindian]

a sister at church told me this

do you know how to make hoaly water????

you place a pan of water on the stove and boil the hell out of it lol
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chinese call constapation...... hung chow

[eldercyn]

Why do doctors slap a new born baby's butt?

It knocks the dicks off the dumb ones.

*******************************************************

What's the definition of mass confusion?

Two bind lesbians in a tuna factory