Joke Thread

[SuperMurk]

Heres a joke from a stand up comedian that i enjoy named Mike Birbiglia
"i like to use the word cracker, because some black comedians like to use the N words, so its like 'Me and my cracker friends were driving in our volvo station wagon when i was like "hey cracker, pass the sunchips" and he was like "not till we get to the picnic cracker" so i was like "cracker please" and he was like "cracker whaaaaat""

[Tightcuntlover]

A blind bloke walks into a pub with a big grin on his face and the barmaid says to him, "What's so funny?"

Blind bloke says, "I just heard the best blonde joke ever, do you want to hear it?"

The barmaid says, "I must warn you that sat to your right hand side are two female kick boxing champs.....both blondes......

and sat to your left hand side are two female judo champs.....also both blondes.....

and I am the pub bouncer, who just happens to be blonde too......

do you still want to tell your joke?"

Blind man says,
































" Nah....fuck it, not if I have to explain it five times."

[AZRIEL]

What do whores and penutbutter have in common?

Both spread for bread.

[can i be your sex kitten]

ha ha ha

[sexychat]

why are pirates called pirates......they aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh (said with a pirate style sound)

makes me laugh everytime :-D

[Ilion]

What is the worst situation for bats?












To have diarrhea.

[piper]

A gay man enters a drugstore and asks: "Do you have XXL-sized condoms?". The clerk replies: "Sure, do you want to buy a pack?" -- "No, but I'll wait until somebody arives who does".

[piper]

Four cardinals die in a car accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter steps out and says: "Before you can be admitted, you'll have to confess your sins and they must be washed away.". He claps his hands, an angel flies by and puts down a shiny bowl of a pure liquid.

"Tell me your sins!", asks St Peter the first cardinal. After squirming a little, he answers "I touched the pope's penis with my left hand!". St Peter looks disgusted and says: "Wash your left hand in this Bowl full of Innocence, and you may go to heaven.". The first cardinal does as told and enters.

The second cardinal steps forward. "Confess your sins", demands St Peter. "I've touched the pope's dick with my right hand!", he stammers. "Wash your right hand in this Bowl full of Innocence, and you may go to heaven.", says St Peter. The cardinal dips his right hand into the bowl and follows his colleague.

The third cardinal steps forward, but before he can start his confession, the fourth cardinal interrupts: "Hey, wait a minute and let me rinse my mouth with this liquid, before my brother dips his ass into the bowl!"

[Ilion]

What is 18 centimeters long and drives women crazy?

500 euros bill

[DontTurnAway]

I like these. So BUMP!

[Ilion]

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need$ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you$hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$worker$ who have given$o much$upport including$weat and$ervice to your company.
I am$ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond$oon. Your$$incerely,

Norman$oh





The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:




Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.!

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

[lane22-1]

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband? asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

[lane22-1]

Oh wait got another one.
Two blondes walk into a perfume store. One of the blondes picks up a bottle and smells it. She goes to the manager and askes what the fragrence is. He says it's "Come to me". She goes over to her friend and asked "Does this smell like cum to you, it doesnt smell like cum to me."

[horny_goblin]

There was this guy who worked in a atrifical insemination factory for turkeys and had to collect sperm from the male turkeys. He walked into the room and started collecting sperm when a turkey walks infront of him and say :gobble,gobble,gobble,gobble(sound of a turkey) to which the guy replies "No turkey you get a hand job just like the rest of them

[Ilion]

SHIT HAPPENS
in various world religions

TAOISM: Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens".
ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)
JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?
ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.
COMMUNISM. Equal shit happens to all people.
CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.
PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.
SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.
UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.
RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?
REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
MYSTICISM: What weird shit!
AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?
ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit!
NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?
AZTEC: Cut out this shit!
QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shit.
FORTEANISM: No shit??
12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.
VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!
NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.
DEISM: Shit just happens.
EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.
BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.
SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.
HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.
WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!
HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.
THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shit that happens.
DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.
JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.
MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.
HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.
BAHA'I: It's all the same shit.
STOICISM: This shit is good for me.
OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.
EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.
REAGANISM: Don't move; the shit will trickle down.
FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.
CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.
EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.
DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.
RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.
CHARISMATIC: This is not shit and it doesn't smell bad.
MASONIC: Shit happens, but we can't discuss it during Lodge.
RED CROSS: Shit happens - send money.

[ImpyKim]

a little boy goes to his dad and asks "what is politics"
dad says "well son, let me try to explain it this way - I am the head of the family, so call me the President, your mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the Government, we are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the working class and your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes it any clearer"

SO the little boy goes to bed. Later that night his baby brother wakes up crying and the little boy finds him lying in a dirty nappy, so he goes to his parents room and find his mother asleep, not wanting to wake her he goes to the nanny but finding the door locked looks through the keyhole to see his dad in bed with the nanny so he gives up and goes back to bed.

Next morning the littl boys tells his father he thinks he understands the concept of poilitics, the father asks him to explain in his own words,

The little boy replies "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The people are ignored and the future lies in deep shit"

[The_NINE_]

A farmer was telling his wife that he bought a prize winning bull. The 3 bulls that he already had hear this.
The big bull said he not getting any of my 20 heifers.
The middle size bull said he not getting any of my 10 heifers.
The baby bull said he not getting either of my 2 heifers.

When the new bull arrived. The big bull said damn look at the size of him. He said he can have half of my 20 heifers. Middle size bull said he can have half of mine too.

The baby bull started pawing the ground snorting out loud.
The big bull said to little bull are you crazy that bull will kill you easily. The baby bull said Im letting that big son of a bitch know that Im a bull

[budgreeen]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "200 DOLLARS? YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!"

[pimp ur mom]

Women jokes!!! All in good fun...
Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
Because if all of them went it would be hell.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it.

Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to keep you in the manner to which you've become accustomed.

How can you tell when your wife is really aroused in bed?
She puts down her nail file.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something really clever?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.."

How do you repair a woman's watch?
You don't need to. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting through the letter box, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created
Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[pimp ur mom]

Men jokes!!! All in good fun...
One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"The good news," replied Adam.
"Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
"OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?"
"I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
Because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How can you tell if a man is really well hung?
When you can just slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do men and tights have in common?
They're both apt to cling, run, and never fit properly between your legs.

What is the real difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Why do men like smart, sexy women?
Opposites attract.

Why is psychoanalysis so much quicker for men than for women?
Men don't need to be regressed back to their childhood.

Why are well-dressed men always married?
Because their wife chooses their clothes for them.

What do you call a man with only half a brain?
Gifted.

Why are men such wankers?
Because they have a willy with a head but no brains that hangs out with two nuts and lives next door to an arsehole.

What do a beer bottles and men have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

Why can women never find their way to a man's heart?
Because they aim too high.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why don't women talk during foreplay?
They don't have enough time.

Why does it take three million sperm to fertilize one single egg?
Because they're too stupid to ask for directions.

How does a man show a woman that he is planning for the future?
He buys ten cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and premium bonds?
Premium bonds might mature.

Why are most jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
No one knows because it's never been done.

Why is it so difficult for women to pick up men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They're all gay

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night.
A widow.

Why do married women weigh more than single women?
Single women come home and see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, take one look at what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How do you get a man to go down on a woman?
Put the TV remote between her legs.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God answered: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God replied: "So she would love you."

[pimp ur mom]

got these from my thread, want more, pls post on them

[Ilion]

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[Ilion]

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

[Ilion]

Jokes to offend everybody


A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'

A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f***ing white man to be called Winston!'


I've just loaded 'British Airways Boeing 777 Simulator' onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!


What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.


I Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......



I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you t**t!'


A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.


'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'F***ing hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'


I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '


What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.



A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.


Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.


'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'



A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.


His wife replies 'You've got a bigger D**K than your brother'

[Ilion]

An Italian man walking along a California beach
was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden he said out loud,
"Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and
in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have had the faith to ask,
I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii,
so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish,
a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times.
All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive.
I wish that I could understand women.
I want to know how they feel inside,
what they are thinking when they give me
the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean
when they say "nothing" and
how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[ZPP]

ok

i woke up this morning and there has black coffin outside my door.


so i gave the bastard a packet of lockets and told him to fuck off

[Ilion]

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Baptist preacher went fishing. As they were sitting out in the middle of the lake, The Priest said,
" I have to go to the bathroom" so he stepped out of the boat and proceeded to walk to the shore to the restroom. A few minutes
later, he came back and the Baptist preacher decided he had to go so he stepped out of the boat and walked over to the restroom.
After he returned, the Rabbi, being totally confused with what he had witnessed, decided he had to go, so he stepped out of the boat, went straight to the bottom of the lake and then
proceeded to swim ashore. The Priest looked at the Baptist preacher and said," you think we should of told him about the stumps
that are just under the water?"

[Ilion]

Grandmother asks her grandson:

"Sonny, who is that man who is constantly hiding my stuff?"

Grandson answers:

"Dr. Alois Alzheimer, granny."

[luv2Blicked]

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat........

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble.......







..........couldn't reach that far

[Ilion]

DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a
chicken. When he feeds the cow, he kicks a cows. When he feeds the pigs,
he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks .

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen .

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"You gonna tell him or should I?":D

[Ilion]

A man goes to see his doctor.

The doctor says "you will have to stop masturbating"

"Why?" asks the man.

The Doctor replied "because I am trying to examine you."

[Incubus]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic r emarks as he dra g ged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

[Glitterbug2212]

ok....
there is a papa tomato a mama tomato and a baby tomato walking down the street the baby tomato keeps falling farther and farther behind so the papa tomato goes back and smacks him smashing him to the ground and says "ketchup"

LOL cheesy i know and i know its from a movie


why are the streets of paris lined with trees?
so the nazis can march in the shade



how many gears does an italian tank have?
5...reverse reverse reverse reverse and forward in case they attack from behind



whats the most confusing day in harlem?
fathers day



following jokes may be found even more offensive to some people...i however will not edit them to appease anyone so dont like it dont read them



whats the difference between a snow tire and a nigger?
the nigger doesnt sing when you put chains on it


what was missing from the million man march?
5 miles of chain and an auctioneer




now for some sexist jokes

whats it mean if your wife comes running out of the kitchen yelling at you?
bitches leash is too long


how do you turn your dishwasher into a snow blower?
give her a shovel


ok i guess thats enough for now like em or not there they are

[slobby]

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
Then you should know enough to ave your passport ready.'

The elderly gentleman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
Impossible! The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!'

The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained;
Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any f***ing Frenchmen to show it to.'

[slobby]

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a
spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through
a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they
leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought (which was an achievement in itself) - "That
French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his
hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on
the blonde and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That sodding Englishman put his hand on
that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I
can smack that French twat again".

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger
Lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American
Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another was a cowboy on his way
To Billings, Montana for a stock show. The third passenger is a
fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State
University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim. The
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a
Magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The
Wind outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock flaps, but no
Plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly, he
speaks:
"Once, my people were many... now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once
My people were few", he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose
That is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his
Mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's
'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet".

[slobby]

Finally, the guy’s side of the story. I must admit
it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the
female side. Now here are the rules from the male
side. These are our rules! Please note, these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!




1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.


1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.


1. Crying is blackmail.


1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void
after 7 days.


1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.


1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve
is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine ... Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as football, the
offside rule, or cars.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.


1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men
really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[budgreeen]

A little sweet potato came home one night and told her daddy she was getting married. "Who are you marrying?" asked her daddy
"Dan Rather" she replied.
"You can't marry Dan Rather." said her daddy
"Why not?" she asked
"Because he is just a commentator."

[~Orpheus~]

.

[budgreeen]

[Glitterbug2212]

Originally Posted by budgreeen

LOL

[Ilion]

Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."


Great joke but it would be much better without Osama coz he is really bad guy

[Ilion]

Two pigs are talking and one is asking another:
Do you believe in life after New Year’s Eve?

[Incubus]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price.'

[trumpet]

Q: What time does Andy Murray go to bed?

A: Ten-nish.

[AZRIEL]

[~Orpheus~]

[Ilion]

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes!!

[FrostDaColdKilla]

Ok...um...Canadian joke...

Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?
Cause he kept getting nailed to the boards.

Yeah...its lame and I'm goin to hell for it lol

[Igor]

The doctor gave me some tablets and said I should take them in the back passage. When I got them home I took them in my back passage - no effect! Next I took them in the front hall - no effect! For all the good these tablets have done me; I may as well have bloody shoved them up my arse!

[porter]

One day a man wakes up and looks outside and sees a gorilla in his tree. He calls the gorilla removal agency and shortly after a big van pulls up in the driveway. The remover comes out and greets the man. The man sees that he only has a pole, a chihuahua, handcuffs and a gun. The remover says, "Now listen closely, I'm going to climb that tree and poke the gorilla with this pole. When he falls out of the tree this trained chihuahua will attack his groin. When the gorilla goes to cover up, slap on the handcuffs. Any questions?"
"Yeah, what's with the gun?"
"If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the dog!"