Joke Thread

[Igor]

I crashed my car yesterday. I ploughed into the back of the car in front. The driver of the car I hit got out and to my surprise he was a dwarf. He stomped over to my car tapped on the window and said,

"I'm not happy!"

"Oh!" I said, "Which one are you then?"

[ImmaSoleMan]

A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."

[skyline11]

Chicken, Horse, and BMW
There was a chicken and a horse playing together in the barnyard, suddenly the horse fell into a mud pit.
He yells to the chicken, “Go get the farmer! Save me! Save me!” The chicken goes look for the farmer but
Can’t find him. So he gets the farmers BMW and drives it to the mud pit, lassos the horse and ties it to the
Car and pulls him out.
The horse says “Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life”. Then a couple of days later they are playing there again and this time the chicken falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, “Help me, Help me!!! Go
Get the farmer!!! So the horse says No! No! No! I think I can get you out. The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, “Grab onto my dick”. The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the horse saves the chickens life. So what’s the moral of the story???
If you have a dick the size of a horse, then you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[caracol101]

What do you get when a vampire snowman attacks you.





FROSTBITTEN

HAHAHA.

[sn2cl]

the joke was ok
but really appreciate your intention of not harming anyone

[sullygom]

Gynacologist arrives home from work looking completely worn out !

Another tiring day at the orifice ?

[tnoneclick]

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

[sn2cl]

that was a good one

[caracol101]

Originally Posted by sn2cl

that was a good one

do you got one?

One day a man got his dick sunburned, his buddy told him putting it in a glass of milk would help. in walks his blond girlfriend who screams.
"oh, that's how you refill it."


sorry its all i got right now

[bug24]

Here is another one that is self wrote (so not as funny)

Someone calls 911: Help, I'm a woman trapped in a man's body!
Operator: Sir, this is 911, how is that an emergency?
Someone: I was fisting my husband and it got stuck and now I'm trapped in his body!

[Saby]

I do not wish to offend anyone blonde and do not generalize thhem to be slow witted or any of the crap society says, I'm just posting a joke.

One day a blonde was hurtling down the motorway,she had just gorgon a new ferari from her boyfriend and had just turned off the junction ,she acerlerated round a bend and cut up a lorry driver,he swerved out of the way to avoid her and almost drove off the cliff.suddenly he was out his car shoutin at her to stop, she then thought to herself why not and stopped.the lorry driver asked here to get out of her car and she did.he then went back to lorry and brought back with I'm a piece of chalk,he then procesed to draw a circle in the middle of theroadand asked her to stand in it and said don't move. Why not she thought and so she did,he then went back to his lorry and brought a knife.went across to her brand new firarri and slaves the leather seats. When he turned to her to see her reaction,she had a big grin onher face.he got evenmore pissed off, went back to his lorry and got out a bat, proceeded to smash the windows of her car, turned back to the blonde and she was laughing.he goymt even more angry,got his knife out again and slashedher tires, when he turned back she as laughing so hard she was almost out the circle.he then ran up to her and shouted at her why she was still laughing and she replied because everytime you turned around I stepped out the circle.

[Saby]

A Blonde and brunette (sisters) had just inherited the family raunch from there uncle, they had owned it for about 6 months but buisness was falling so they decided to expand there buisness and go into bull breeding.so the brunette and blond agreed that the brunette would go into town.buy the bull and telegraph her to pick her sister and the bull up.so the next day she left for town with 500 dollars.eventually she reached down and after much searching she found the perfect bull ,after much negotaitoon and the farmer vein a rip off they agreed on 499 dollars.so she walked across town to the telegraph office.she then listed location and said to the operator can you telegraphy my sister saying I have the bull,I'm on the otherside of town can you pick me up now.he said fine mrs,that will be a dollar a word. O shit she relied,she had 1 dollar left,so she could send only 1 word.after thinking for a couple of mintues she said to the telegraph operator to send the word comfortable.why he asked,and she replied my sisters blond,she reads slow. comfortable=CUM FOR DA BULL

[Saby]

funny?

[Saby]

Did no one like my jokes

[bug24]

My daughter told me this joke...
What do you get when you cross a lion with a rhino?
A Ryan!
The punchline is that Ryan better stay the fuck away from my daughter!

[blacklabeldave]

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

' I can cut them for you ' said the chemist
' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

' I am 96 ' said the old man .
' I don't want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. '

[prtndr]

Guy and his wife go to the hospital - her water has broken and she's ready to deliver their child. The doctor tells them there's a new device they've come up with that transfers the pain of childbirth from the mother to the father, and he thinks they would be a perfect couple to try it out on. They agree to the experiment, and when she goes into the delivery room, her husband comes with her and they hook both of them up. Her labor pains begin to get stronger, and the doctor asks if the husband is ready. He tells the doctor to go ahead, and the doctor turns the gauge up to 2. The wife starts to feel less pain, and the husband says, "Just a twinge, Doc, turn it up." The doctor turns the gauge up to 5, the wife feels much better, and the husband says, "It's not bad, Doc, I can take it, turn it up some more." The doctor turns the gauge up to 10, the husband says he's doing okay, and the wife delivers her child pain-free. Everybody is happy, mother and child are fine. After getting his wife settled in, the husband goes home to rest for a while - and finds the mailman dead on his doorstep.

[blacklabeldave]

A young man walks into a drugs store and sees a small sign that says "condoms 3 for 99 cents". So he goes up and says to the cashier, "I'll take 3 of those condoms for 99 cents please". The cashier says ok rings him up and says "that'll be $1.05 please". The young man exclaims, " $1.05 what's the extra 6 cents for?" The casheir says, "well because there's tax" The young man then says, " I thought they stayed on by themselves"

[guardian55]

When I was born i weighed 20 lbs. 5ozs after they circumcised me i only weighed 10lbs.5ozs

[scotsmitch2001]

Father ans son doing the grocery shopping. They are at the checkout when the son spots the condoms for sale.
"what are they dad?
The father explains and the boy is silent for awhile.
"Why is there a three pack Dad?"
"Oh, thats for high school students' says his dad." thye have sex on friday staurday and sunday"
"Wow, why the 6pack dad" queries the little boy.
"thats for college kids, they have sex twice on a Friday, a saturday and sunday"
The little boys seems to take this in...
"why the 12 pack dad/" he asks.
The dad sighs, looks at his son and replies.
"thats for marreid people son.....jan, feb, march , april....etc etc

[Silly Git]

I went to the doctors, and he told me to stop masterbating.
I said "why Doc"
he said " because I am still examining you"

brilliant!

[iase]

ok

[shootersa]

So the old man was trying to decide which of his sons most deserved his estate. He decided a test of their business talents would be the best way to decide.

He gave each a one dollar bill, and told them at the end of the day the one that accomplished the most would be his successor. The two boys headed out promptly the next morning.

The older one invested his one dollar in a new stock, and at the end of the day sold it for $2.12.

The old man was impressed.

The younger son wandered around town for awhile, not sure what he wanted to do, until he came across a homeless man leading a duck. One thing led to another, and the son bought the duck for $1, even though he was unsure what he could do with it.

Shortly after, he came across a prostitute standing on her corner. She offered him her services, but the son had to tell her that all he had was the duck. Business being slow that time of day, the prostitute decided what the heck, and a deal was arranged.

When it was done, the prostitute was so impressed with the son's sexual talents that she asked him for another go. It was getting late though and he realized that sex, even at a bargain price, wouldn't win the day with is father. He suggested a business deal; he wanted his duck back.

The deal was done, and the prostitute and the son happily went their separate ways.

A little later as he was crossing the street, a truck ran over the duck, seriously injuring it but not killing it. The son was distraught, imagining that he would surely not win the day with his duck in it's current state. As he sat at the curb with his messed up duck, a young girl wandered by and inquired what might be wrong with the duck. The son explained, bringing tears to the girls eyes. She said her father was a vet and could treat the duck. When the young man explained that he had no money, the young girl offered him all her money so she could take the duck home as a pet and get her father to treat it.

The deal was done, but it was now almost dark so the son had no choice but to return home for his fathers decision.

When he got home, the old man said to his youngest son
"Your brother was able to turn a 212% profit in one day, can you say you did better?"

The son said
"I don't know father, all I can tell you is;
"I bought a duck for a buck
Got a fuck for a duck
Paid a duck for a fuck
and sold a fucked up duck for a buck
And here is your dollar back"

The older son now works as a janitor for his younger brother.

[WhaWhaWha]

Three WWII POWs in Germany; an American, a Brit and a Pole, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.
They bring out the American and stand him in front of the wall. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away.
Next, they place the Brit in front of the firing squad. He shifts his body around and yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the Brit escapes.
Next up is the Pole. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

[wardamn]

An Alabama Fan and his girlfriend were embracing passionately in the front seat of a car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No" he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?". "No" he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."


Two Alabama Fans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other. One is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Bobby Ray, whatcha got in the bag?" "Just some chickens." "If i guess how many there are, can i have one?" "Hell, i'll give you both of them!" "OK, uummmm...five?"

[TheP1990]

What do you call a virgin from Liverpool?

An only child.



After 2 years of training with the Army, I'm off to Afghanistan to fight in the war.

Bombs dropping, constant gunfire and a bunch of hostile Muslims and Arabs in my sight...

...as I leave Birmingham International Airport.



How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

[mailofmine]

Why couldn't the two melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe!

[bostonmasstina]

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.

The counselor sits them down and says "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common."

The husband says, "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick."

[D.Evil]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

[D.Evil]

"Fer Drizzle" (sorry if this shoulda been on the "what's the weather like near you thread" )

[The Traveller]

A proctologist enters a bank one afternoon to cash his weekly check, as he is standing at the counter preparing to endorse the check, he pulls out a thermometer and attempts to write with it...realizing the mistake he looks at the thermometer and says, "Oh, that's just great...now some asshole's got my pen...".

[smcaaphd]

[smcaaphd]