the girl in black.

[jazellenia_isno_ballernia]

"One iced Machiato, double double espresso, nil on the creme, light vanilla, extra whip, extra caff!" The casheir shouts to the others.

The order catches my attention. Its so percise, and I envy a person who knows what they want.
I glance up, and my jaw drops.
I'll be honest. I wasnt expecting a smoking hot babe.
Shes tall. Really tall.
Without her boots she would be about 5'11.

She puts her black bike helmet to the side, shaking out her long wavy flaming red hair. Her black boots with a 4inch heel come to just below her knee, tight black jeans tucked in to them. She shrugs off her leather bikers jacket and sets it in the table, and her skimpy black tank rides up a bit, reveling a tramp stamp and a sliver of her tanned stomach. My eyes rest on her ass, firm, the way her jeans cup it perfectly, and excentuate her mile long legs.

My eyes travel up, taking in her toned, sunkissed arms, and stop at her tits. They look firm, and plump, maybe a 34BB. Her clevage shows at the top of her low cut tank, and her curves dont lie.

Shes hot.
She inspects her long red nails, that I want to scratch down my back, and a smile plays upon her plump red lips. She knows she has all eyes on her body.
And she likes it.
So then I walk up to her. Like the idiot that I am.

"Hi. I couldnt help but notice your....ah....order. I happen to be very turned on by a woman who knows what she wants." I say, quite lamely.
"Oh really? You coulndt help but notice my order? Or shall we say...attributes?" She replys without even blinking her long, thick, black eyelashes. Either her mascera is amazing, or its natural. And Im going with the latter.

"Um...um...um..." I stutter, slightly intimidated by her.
"Smart response." She says, and rolls her eyes.
I then hear myself say, "Well, do you at least have a pen I can borrow?"

"If giving you one will make you go away, then yes." She hands me a pen, and I take my recipt and write: want to fuck sometime? You look like some one with a rep...call me. (562)2812591.

I hand her the pen and recipt. She reads it as her drink comes up. "Jaz, your drink!"
"Look, I may be a slut," she grabs her dink, "but Im not a whore." She sticks her finger in the whipped cream, amd sucks it off very sexily. "Later." She crumples the paper and throws it on the floor, and stalks out, ass swaying and hour glass figure taunting me.

[jazellenia_isno_ballernia]

"What the hell was that?" I ask myself, as she puts on her helmet and roars off on her motorcycle, red hair streaming behind her.

"THAT was Jaz. Hot, right? I mean I would fuck her, and Im GAY! Anyways, the skinny is that shes GREAT in bed. I heard that she has nipple and clit piercings. And supposedly, she can be super kinky. And she really only fucks guys with huge cocks, and shes still as tight as a virgin is what Ive heard. And shes fucked tons of people. Like, both genders." Says the guy behind the counter.

"Whats her name?" Im totally lost in a daze, imagining me sucking her pierced tits, pulling on her clit ring, and her screaming in pleasure.

"Jaz. No one is quite sure of her last name, cause she left home when she was 16, (rumor is she left cause she was tired of fucking her dad)."
"So theres a lot of shit about her, eh?"

"Ohmigod, you havent even heard the slightest bit!"
"Hey, she left her jacket."

"NO WAY. THE PRADA LEATHER JACKET? I heard that he made it especially for her, after she fucked him. Then, supposedly after she did it with Marc Jacobs (the lucky bitch) Marc accidently cummed on it, and she got super pissed, so he cutom made her like 50 pairs of shoes! The smallest heel is like 3 inches. Speaking of inches, I heard she only fucks guys with like 8 inch cock, minimum. But 7 if you are rich. She told me that Marc Jacobs dick it like, 10 inches!"
"Wow, you know a lot about her."

"Um, she is like, the gossip QUEEN!"
"Then do you know why she got pissed at me?"
"Oh, thats easy."



More?

[Jake<3]

More. Thank you. Even though I'm lost a bit but I'll re-read.

[jazellenia_isno_ballernia]

"Oh, thats easy. Shes a slut. NOT a whore."
"What the fuck? Theres no diffrence!" I exclaim, utterly confused.

"Um, YES there is. Whores get paid. SHE does it for the connections. And for the fun of it. I heard its kind of like a sport to her. And the people she fucks always give her stuff. Its, like, mandatory."
"Do you know where she lives?" I ask, thinking, shit, this guy talks a lot.

"No. Thats the thing. Shes super mysterious. No one is positive of the rumors."

"Well, i will try to find her to give back her jacket." I say, wanting to get away.

"Good luck. From the way she looked at you, she pretty much thinks you are a scum bag."

But Im not listening any more. I am still thinking about her big blue eyes with the stunning rim of bright green. With the inner circle of gold. I cant get her out of my mind.

I get in my car, and I dont notice that I am home until I walkin the door, and my girlfriend pops her head out of the kitchen. When she sees its me, she leans against the door frame, and she only has a sheer pink negligee.
"Hey there sexy." She says.

[jazellenia_isno_ballernia]

So what do the people think? More? Or is it that bad and i should stop?

[Jake<3]

Continue. I think it's good.

[jazellenia_isno_ballernia]

(Edit: the previous entrys were from a point of view from the character named Brock.)

[jazellenia_isno_ballernia]

Wow. What an idiot. But a hot idiot. Not really my type.

Hes thinking about me right now. I just know he is. I can feel it.

Then I realize that I left my jacket. I almost turn around, but then think, I will see him again....

I stop at a red light, and notice the guys in the car next to me checking me out. I pretend to stretch, and turn to the side and raise my hands in the air, and my shirt rises up, and I lean over a bit, and they see down my shirt a bit. They wolf whistle, and I just flip them off, step on the gas, and the light changes and I speed away.

I am what guys call a tease. I know how to use my body to get what I want. I know all the secrets, and cheats. All the weaknesses of men. And I simply use them to my advantage. I have never gotten a ticket before in my life, for example. All I do is say, Im so sorry officer! I didnt know! Blink my eyelashes couple times, flash some clevage, and say, is there any way I can get off with a warning?
Always works.

[Jake<3]

More please. This is getting good!

[jazellenia_isno_ballernia]

I mean, so what if I am a bit of a bitch? Not like I care. I mean, I have heard all the rumors about me. And I like the fact that people talk about mme. Keeps me fresh in their minds.

I find men as a sport. I lead them on, have them fall head over heels in love with me, then I dump them, break their hearts. Weird thing is, it only makes them like me more.

I pull into a gas station for some gas, stretching a bit. I see a couple across from me, the guys eyes roaming my body, the girl looking at me with jealousey. I smile a bit.

I enjoy keeping my body fit. I work out quite a lot, and tan as well. My body is tan year round, my arms and legs artfully sculpted, my ass and stomach tight, from hours of working out.

[Jake<3]

Little bit more.

[jazellenia_isno_ballernia]

When I get home, as soon as I walk in the door I pull off my clothes.
Im ready for a nice hot shower, to relax my muscles.

I turn on the spray, and jump in, the water cascading down my body, warming me up from the windy ride home.

I take the soap, and start to lather up, starting with my feet amd slowly moving up my tanned legs, on my flat stomach, and finally soaping up my breasts. I put the soap down, and rub in small circles around my nipples, slowly reaching in to my peirced nipples, and tugging lightly.

I try to think of my normal people, but that guy from the coffee shop keeps coming back to mind....

[curiousgirl]

Originally Posted by jazellenia_isno_ballernia

(Edit: the previous entrys were from a point of view from the character named Brock.)

I'm glad you finally realized that we had absolutely no point of view on your first sections. We had no name, no gender, nothing to give us a hook. That made getting into it really difficult.

Further, Jaz seems pretty stereotypical. I mean, of course she's tall and leggy and gorgeous and big breasted and bitchy. I'm not saying there aren't women like this in reality, but again, there's nothing really intriguing here.

One thing that I suggest to new writers is to be sparing with physical details about your main characters. Give one or two to hook the reader, but then let their imaginations supply the rest. Give us instead mannerisms or actions that describe their personality. Those are the things that make characters come to life and lodge in the brain.

Finally, if you are serious about writing, submit your writing to one of the volunteer editors here, follow their suggestions, and learn from them. Learn to use the apostrophe. In the paraphrased words of one of the greatest writers about writing, learn the rules first, then learn to break them.

[Jake<3]

Cont.
Thank you.

[xghiz]

This is getting good!