CAW10 ENTY / LOVE TRAIN, by Hardrive

[Hardrive]

CAW10 ENTRY

[Hardrive]

“LOVE TRAIN”

by Hardrive

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It was a stormy evening and I was standing at the door watching my wife Cindy getting into her car. She was on her way to visit her mother and as she entered the vehicle she turned and waved a final good-bye. Looking at the distant sky I noticed that the flashing lights had intensified and the volume of the thunderclaps was loader. That indicated that the storm was coming closer so I stepped outside to caution my wife.

It began to sprinkle as Cindy’s car backed out of the driveway but she stopped as soon as she saw mouthing the words, ‘Take care baby.’ That made her smile and she threw me a kiss just as a bolt of lighting shot across the sky illuminating her face. The image of Cindy’s face behind the rain-speckled glass brought back a memory that made me jump and sent a chill up my spine.

Cindy must have thought I had been startled by the accompanying thunderclap but the shock came from seeing her shimmering face behind the rain speckled window. That image was very familiar and it brought back a flood of memories that were associated with the face of a girl I hadn’t thought about in years.

Cindy waved one last time before backing the car to the bottom of the driveway and tuning it onto the street. Putting the car in gear she drove away and in less then a minute she disappeared into the night and I was left alone with my thoughts.

I hadn’t thought about Julie for years but now that her memory invaded my thoughts I decided to pour myself a drink, sit down in my favored chair and allow my recollection of that dark and stormy night to parade across my mind. It was a special night. It was the night I lost my actual virginity. I say actual because prior to meeting Julie I’d gotten close but never went all the way with a girl. Julie was my first. She was the first girl with who I consummated the act of intercourse. She was the girl who provided me with the most exciting and unforgettable sexual experience of my life.

As I recall, it was the autumn of my 18th birthday and I was riding the midnight train on my way home from college. I remember that it was late and the sky was stormy and dark as I boarded the railroad car. The train was full and almost every space was taken by passengers and their belongings. Looking up both rows of seats I spotted what looked like an empty place at the back of the car. Moving quickly I picked up my overfilled bag and staggered up the swaying isle, marching to the beat of the clankity-clank of steel wheels rolling on steel rails.

The lights in the car were dim and every so often they blacked out for several seconds making my unsteady trip up the center aisle even more precarious. It seemed like I was apologizing every couple of steps as I unwittingly bumped into and stepped on various passengers along the way. Imagine my disappointment when I finally arrived at the back of the car only to find that the seat I was hoping to take was not really free. It was partially occupied by a pretty young woman’s feet.

In those days, train seats were actually long leather benches divided into three seats by retractable armrests. In this particular case, the seat by the window was occupied by a sleeping boy about four or five years old. A young woman sat next to him in the middle seat. She was curled up and reading a book and to make herself comfortable she raised the adjacent armrest and extended her feet into the aisle seat.

Not wanting to disturb her I started to walk away but she quickly withdrew her feet and dropped the armrest creating a place for me. I smiled, thanked her and shoved my bag onto the overhead shelf before the swaying train forced me to plop down onto the seat. The young woman laughed and introduced herself. Her name was Julie and she seemed genuinely glad to meet me. After traveling all day with only the boy for company, she was glad to finally have the company of someone closer to her age.

We hit it off right away. Julie was an extrovert and within the first hour she told me her life story. She was twenty-two and a single mother but she was returning home to live with her grandparents. It seemed that after four years of cohabitating, her boyfriend decided to abandon her and the child. At first, she tried to make it on her own but after only three months of living alone she was hopelessly in debt and forced to accept her grandparent’s help.

The young mother wasn’t looking forward to living with them. They were very old fashion and very strict. She would have no freedom in their house. No music, no drinking, no parties and most of all, no men. She told me that I would probably be the last man she would be able to talk to for a good long time. I said that I totally understood since I came form the same kind of traditional upbringing. Then I conveyed a few stories of my own experiences with strict parents and she laughed.

For a while we passed the time telling each other stories of how we circumvented our parent’s constant scrutiny. Julie was older and more experienced so her stories were more explicit. She spoke frankly about her sexual adventures not realizing that I was just a boy of 18 and a virgin at that. She treated me as an equal, that is to say, a sexually experienced adult. I went along with that perception by agreeing with everything she said and occasionally falsely claiming that I had similar experiences.

As the night went on Julie continued to excite me with her intimate stories. It seems she and her boyfriend had quite an active sex life but it all ended about a month before he left. They had a big fight and he started sleeping on the living room couch. This really pissed Julie off since she didn’t see why they couldn’t disagree during the day but keep on having sex at night. The girl had quite a sexual appetite and though she didn’t like her former boyfriend she sure missed having sex with him.

When Julie finally ran out of conversation the silence seemed awkward so I pulled out a deck of cards and asked if she wanted to play. She agreed and pulled up the armrest that separated our seats. Julie then reached up to turn on the overhead spot light and pointed it between us. As she did she put on a bit of a show. You see she was wearing one of those loose fitting sleeveless blouse with no bra so as she extended her arm to adjust the light, I caught a glimpse of her subtle breast and exquisite nipple. The sight of her breast made me freeze like a deer caught in the lights of an approaching tank, so I didn’t notice when she turned her head and looked directly at me. When I felt her eyes I quickly averted my stare, but it was too late. To my surprise, Julie didn’t say a word, she just smiled and placed a folded train-blanket between us to use as a table.

“What do you want to play?” She asked with a coy smile that made me unsure if she was talking about playing cards or something else.

Being a sexual novice I didn’t pick up on her hint so I just dealt us a hand of casino, but before we finished the first hand her conversation returned to her sex life. Julie spoke in hushed tones as she described the things she liked to do with her boyfriend. Listening to her talk was like getting oral sex in your ear and as her stories became more graphic I got more and more turned on. Soon my hands began to tremble from the sexual tension. Julie asked if I was cold and offered to cover me with the blanket. I told her I wasn’t cold just uncomfortable in the seat. She suggested a remedy. Asking me to watch, she turned in the seat to face me with her legs crossed Indian style.

Julie was wearing a short skirt that, while standing, fell just above her knees, but in that sitting position the skirt elevated to her upper thigh and gave me a brief peek at her white cotton panties. Pretending I hadn’t seen, I thanked her for the suggestion but insisted I’d be more comfortable sitting as I was. Actually I wasn’t lying. I had a huge erection and if I attempted to get up to alter my position it would have become obvious to her in a second.

We continued playing cards but every so often Julie turn to look over her shoulder at her sleeping child. As she leaned back, her knee would lift just enough so that I could see up her leg all the way to the pit of her crotch. As horny as I was I couldn’t help but look. On one of these occasions, she suddenly looked back and caught me looking again. I tried to avert my eyes but I was too late and I fully expected that she would adjust her skirt before she went back to attending to the child but she continued as if nothing happened.

The night progressed and her skirt kept creeping up higher and higher. With each turn to check the child the view up her skirt got better and lasted longer. Eventually the view became a permanent fixture as her skirt crept up to the top of her thigh and stayed there. My trembling became more pronounced and I began to sweat and stammer. My playing became erratic and I was just a mess. All the while Julie just kept smiling and talking about her sex life pretending she couldn’t see what she was doing to me. Then it dawned on me and I finally realized that she was purposely teasing me. She knew I could see up her skirt and she knew that her conversation was driving me crazy. She knew it and she was enjoying every minute of it while I sweated, trembled and stammered.

Once I knew she was playing a game, I decided to join in and give back as good as I got. I stood up on the pretext that I needed to stretch and I let her get a good long look at the bulge in my jeans. The bulge was obvious but just to make sure she got the point; I adjusted my erection by positioning it along my thigh so she could see the full length and girth of my boner. When I sat down Julie looked down at my lap and then up to meet my eyes. She gave me a knowing smile and leaned over to whisper that she was glad she wasn’t a boy.

“Girls don’t have to worry about getting a bulge in their jeans when we get horny. We can keep our excitement secret unless we want someone to know. In that case we let them see the wet spot on our panties.” With that she discreetly pulled up her skirt and leaned back to reveal a small wet stain at the base of her underpants.

For a long time I just stared at the spot while my mind visualized what I knew was on the other side of that cotton cloth. She had certainly upped the ante and it was now my turn but I didn’t know what to do. We were on a crowed train and though it was dark and most of the passengers were asleep and facing away from us, what I had in mind would have gotten us thrown off the train. Thankfully, Julie took the initiative. She turned off the overhead light and asked me to sit back. When I did she threw the blanket over my lap and said, “I feel responsible for putting you in that condition so let me do something to help you out.” With those words she put her hand under the blanket and took hold of the bulge in my pants. Then she began to squeeze my dick rhythmically making it get even bigger and harder.

Julie’s touch felt great but I was worried that someone would see what we were doing so I looked around at the passengers around us. Most of them had their backs to us except the people directly across the aisle. Sitting across from us there was a young teenage girl and her parents but they were asleep. Still, I felt apprehensive and gave Julie a worried look. She smiled and asked if I wanted to touch her. Of course I did, but I was too shy to answer so she took my hand and placed it between her legs. Then she put her hand over mine, parted her thighs and pushed my fingers down hard pressing them into her crotch.

I was both delighted and shocked. Looking around I kept checking to see if anyone was looking and when I was sure it was safe I reached under the soft cotton fabric of her underpants until my fingers found the moist crack of her vagina. Repeatedly stroking her cleft I moved up and down her silky crack but didn’t dare do anything else. Julie sensed my timidity and encouraged me to probe more aggressively by spreading her legs.

We did that for a while and I guess all that petting got Julie really hot, because she suddenly jumped up, put her hand under the blanket and began to unzip my pants. She struggled to release my cock but when she finally got it loose, it popped out like a jack in the box. Once she had me out, she skillfully stroke my shaft. Her grip was strong and I had to stifle a groan as she rhythmically squeezed my dick while pulling up and down on my foreskin. Each stroke made my wet bulbous cockhead swell and ooze a stream of pre-cum that ran down her hand as she continued to knead and fondle my dick.

It felt wonderful and I thought we had gone as far as we could go but Julie managed to surprise me. She suddenly scooted away from me, leaned forward and put her head under the blanket. I wasn’t sure what she was going to do but when I felt her soft wet mouth cover the head of my cock I knew it was going to be good. It felt wonderful but this bold new move scared me. Anyone that saw us like this would know exactly what she was doing, so I sat up, put my hands over her head and tried to conceal the bobbing motions under the blanket.

Looking to my left I checked out the passengers sitting across from us and to my horror I saw that the teenage girl sitting in the aisle seat was looking directly at me. Her expression was very serious and I expected that as soon as she figured out what we were doing, she’d alert her parents and we’d be in a world of trouble… but she didn’t. She just looked at the moving blanket on my lap without saying a word. For a while I wondered if she really understood what was going on but as soon as I noticed that she had her hand between her legs, I got my answer.

I had never been in such a situation. On my right I had a girl sucking my cock and on my left I had a girl watching me getting a blow job while she rubbed her pussy. It was strange but I found I liked being watched. Being watched made what Julie was doing feel even better and in less time than I care to admit, I felt myself at the very edge of reaching climax. Holding her head, I tried to stop Julie’s slow up and down motions but she wouldn’t stop.

“Oh please,” I leaned forward and whispered a warning. “I can’t hold back any longer. If you don’t stop now I’m going to cum.”

Julie stopped, lifted her head and peeked up from under the blanket. “That’s okay,” she said with a coy smile, “I want you to cum.” Then she went back to what she was doing.

As Julie continued to suck my dick, I looked at the girl across the aisle. Her eyes looked dreamy and I could tell that she wanted to see more, so I lifted a corner of the blanket to let her get a better look. The girl didn’t change her expression but her focus became more intense as she watched Julie’s mouth go up and down the length of my cock. I could tell that she was really getting turned on by the way she licked her lips and how she increased the speed that she was stroking her pussy.

I was getting into it too and soon found myself unable to hold back any longer. Closing my eyes and biting my knuckles, I began to moan as my hips rouse higher and I got closer and closer to reaching climax. Then my dick started to twitch and I shot my load right into Julie’s mouth.

As soon as she felt me coming, Julie’s sucking got faster and as I pumped shot after shot into her mouth, I could feel her sucking and licking it all up until there was nothing left. When she was done, Julie sat up and snuggled close to me. Then she whispered in my ear. “Did you enjoy that?” I nodded that I did. Then Julie added, “Did letting that little girl watch us make it feel better?” I was surprised she knew about that but I was too embarrassed to answer. “That’s okay, I liked being watched too.” Then she winked at the girl across the aisle and sat back in her seat.

For about five minutes we just sat there, holding hands while I caught my breath. Then Julie stood up, and whispered that I should wait a few minutes and follow her to the back of the train. She said she would be in the restroom waiting for me. I was to knock twice and come in.

After Julie left I stuffed my still partially erect dick back in my pants and pulled up my zipper. Then I pulled out my shirt to conceal the still visible bulge. As I stepped out into the aisle I looked down at the girl that sat across from us. This time she smiled at me. I smiled back and I guess she took that as an invitation to touch my crotch because she reached under my shirt and took hold of my dick. That kind of surprised me and it felt good too but there was no way this could go any further so I excused myself and headed to the restroom.

I got to the door, knocked twice and waited for Julie to respond. When the door opened I could see her standing there with one finger over her lips to indicate that I was to be silent. Taking hold of my shirt she pulled me inside the tiny room. Once inside, she closed and locked the door. It was really cramped in there with almost no room to maneuver. Julie reached up and kissed me. She slipped her tongue in my mouth and gave me the most passionate kiss I ever had. I returned the kiss with equal adore and squeezed her buttocks while pulling her up against my swollen dick.

After several kisses, Julie turned her back to me and I could hear the rustle of her clothing as she pulled up her skirt and pulled down her panties. Then she leaned forward resting her hands on the wall over the sink. I was a novice and had never fucked a girl before but I recognized an invitation when I saw one.

Reaching down I felt the soft round flesh of her sweet little ass. My fingers ran down the crack of her butt cheeks to the soft wet pit between her legs. “Hurry.” She whispered as she pressed her ass against my crotch. Nervously I unbuttoned my pants and pulled down my shorts. Even though I had cum within the last 10 minutes, my stiff wet cock had grown to its full seven-inch length and I was ready to go again.

I wanted to start fucking her right away but the restroom was so small and cramped that I couldn’t back-up enough to get the head of my cock into her vagina. I had no room to back-up and Julie’s legs were already up against the sink so she didn’t have any room either. These railroad lavatories were not designed for fucking.

Once again Julie took the initiative. She swung her hips to one side while simultaneously reaching back to grab my cock. She pulled my dick down below her ass and got up on her toes. Taking a hint from her maneuver I bent my knees and got my dick below her pussy. However, being a virgin I wasn’t exactly sure about the location of her opening so I began by plowing the middle of her crack. After a few moments of that, Julie got tired of my fumbling and reached down between her legs to guide me to the right position. Placing the head of my cock against the soft folds at the back of her pussy, she pushed back against me and the head of my dick popped right in.

Eagerly I pushed up and the rest of my cock slipped into her vaginal canal like a hot knife slicing into a tub of butter. It felt great. I had never felt anything like that before. Julie’s pussy was soft, warm and wet and when she contracted the mussels of her vagina, her tight grip sent waves of coital bliss through my body. At long last my cherry was popped and I was no longer a virgin. I finally knew how it felt to be inside a pussy and the feeling was better than anything I ever felt before.

With my dick firmly inside her vagina, I was ready to start some serious fucking but the close quarters were still a problem. There just wasn’t any room to move and all I could produce was some very shallow pumping motions. No mater how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get a good fuck going. It was really frustrating but Julie came to the rescue again. She just started to gyrate her vagina around my cock. That girl began to churn and turn her hole around my dick like she was mixing up a batter of pancakes. Evidently this really felt good for her because with every turn she gave out a breathy moan. Soon she had a good rhythm going as she cried out “Ahy, ahy, ahy,” with each rotation of her pussy.

I had to admit that Julie’s circular motion felt good but not as good as the sensations I was use to giving myself during masturbation. The action of my fist moving my foreskin up and down was what I craved, and the best way to get that feeling during intercourse was the good old fashion in and out.

That’s the motion I craved so in desperation I put my hands on Julie’s hips and started to vigorously push and pull her back and forth while I moved my hips in a synchronous motion. The procedure worked well, though it was a bit noisy. Not that I gave a flying shit. Hell, I was lost in a world of sensation and my whole being was wrapped up in the joy of making love to Julie. And even though my ass kept slamming into the restroom door, and our love-making was beginning to sound like the 1812 Overture, I didn’t care because I was in heaven and all my focus was on Julies hot and juicy pussy…. so you can imagine how totally surprised I was when the lock on the restroom door gave way and I suddenly found myself falling backward into the train’s corridor.



As I fell back, I instinctively held on to Julie’s hips and we both went crashing through the lavatory door and onto the floor. Apparently all the noise we were making attract a lot of attention and when we looked up we saw a small group of passengers that had gathered outside the restroom doors to see what was going on. I’m sure they must have thought that one of the wheels was coming off the train but what they found instead was me lying on the floor with my pants below my knees and Julie sitting on my lap with her panties around her ankles. It didn’t take them long to figure out what we were doing.

For a while we just sat there in total silence but when some old lady started to scream, Julie quickly jumped to her feet exposing my erection which only made the old bad scream even loader. Someone said she was going to faint and one of the men filled a cup with water from the sink and threw it in her face. That shut her up.

There was nothing left for me to do but stuff my erect penis back into my pants while Julie pulled up her panties and adjusted her cloths. Humiliated, we walked back to our seats without looking at anyone, but that didn’t stop most of the on lookers from giving out catcalls and hoots as we slithered back to our seats.

All this was bad enough but it was about to get worst. It seems that all the commotion alerted the conductor and he came by to ascertain the situation. First he inspected the broken lavatory door and then talked to the passengers that were still standing near the restroom. We felt like everyone was looking at us, and I guess we were right because the next thing we know the conductor walked down the aisle, stopped by our seats and ask us for our tickets. He kept the tickets, told us to pick up our stuff and asked us to follow him to the next car. There we waited until the train got to the next station.

The whole incident had been a total disaster and a great embarrassment. The only good thing was that the boy had slept through the whole incident and was completely unaware of his mother’s shame.

The conductor escorted us off the train and took us to the stationhouse office. He told the clerk that he was kicking us off the train for willful vandalism and asked that we be banned from riding his train again. Then he returned to his post and the train left the station.

After he was gone we talked to the station manager and tried to tell him our side of the story. We didn’t tell him everything but we admitted that we caused the damage but denied that it was willful vandalism. It was an accident and we offered to pay for the repairs. Then we begged the manager to let us finish our trip because we had no other way home. After making a few phone calls the manager decided to allow us to continue our journey under two conditions. First we had to pay for the damages. Then he told us our old tickets were forfeited and we had to buy new ones.

Julie didn’t have any money so I ended up paying for everything. Unfortunately I didn’t have enough to pay for myself, so when I gave Julie her tickets I didn’t tell her I was going to have to hitch-hike home. Instead I told her that part of the deal I made with the station manager was that we wouldn’t travel together. The station manager overhead us talking and gave me a nod. It was a silent gesture of approval from one man to another.

When the next train arrived, I walked Julie to the gate and helped her and her son climb aboard. From the platform I watched her walk through the cars until she found a seat. Once she was settled we stared at each other through the window knowing we would never see each other again. Then, as the train began to slowly roll out of the station, it started to rain. Julie waved good-bye and pressed her lips against the glass just as a bolt of lighting flashed across the sky. That was the last time I saw her, but the image of her face shimmering from behind the rain-speckled glass burned itself deep into my memory.

Pouring myself another dirk, I stopped to reflect for a moment before lifting my glass. “Here’s to Julie,” I said, “and the memory of that special day when I lost my virginity to a stranger on the midnight train to manhood.”

THE END

Please leave me a comment... and if you like this story, go to the story site and give it a positive vote.,

Thank you

HD

[snowleopard3200]

Not bad, the story is enjoyable.

Good luck in the CAW 10.

[ELaken-Palmer]

Very good entry. Best of luck in CAW10.

[ELaken-Palmer]

CAW10
BUMP

[farmer Joe]

A train story was one i had in mind for the future but i doubt i could have done better than this. A very good read. Where were these girls when i was catching the train = ) Good luck in CAW 10 - FJ

[thatcuriousone]

Interesting story. I have to admit, I chuckled when the old lady started screaming and someone threw water at her. I wonder how many people actually attempt this on a train? Hm. Good luck!

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by snowleopard3200

Not bad, the story is enjoyable.
.

Originally Posted by ELaken-Palmer

Very good entry. Best of luck in CAW10.

Originally Posted by farmer Joe

A train story was one i had in mind for the future but i doubt i could have done better than this. A very good read. Where were these girls when i was catching the train = ) Good luck in CAW 10 - FJ

Thanks for your kind comments guys. glad you liked the story.


HD

[Hardrive]

Interesting story. I have to admit, I chuckled when the old lady started screaming and someone threw water at her. I wonder how many people actually attempt this on a train? Hm. Good luck!

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by thatcuriousone

Interesting story. I have to admit, I chuckled when the old lady started screaming and someone threw water at her. I wonder how many people actually attempt this on a train? Hm. Good luck!

That previous post was actually a quote from Thatcuriousone.

Thanks for your comment. Glad you enjoyed my story. I'll be reading your entry next and I'll leave you a comment.

Thanks

HD

[StickiVicki]

Good story hun. Good luck with the caw. X

[ejls]

This was so cute Hardrive. I love your male character and his reactions. Love the humor when they came tumbling out of the lav. Good story, my friend.

[onehandedtypist]

It was kind of sad It seemed rushed, like you edited a few parts of it out and there were typos too. Though I like train stories

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by onehandedtypist

It was kind of sad It seemed rushed, like you edited a few parts of it out and there were typos too. Though I like train stories

Yes the story was rushed, but I promised ELP that I would submit an entry and I did. I wrote it in two weeks. Unfortunately I didn't have time to edit so some typos slips though... hope that didn't ruin the read for you.

It's a 5,000 word short story that takes place in a span of 3 or 4 hours so you'll have to be more specific about the parts you think were edit out.

FYI, this is not a "train story." The train is just the setting. It's a story about a young man's journey into manhood. And it wasn't having sex that made him a man. It was stepping up and taking responsibility.

Thanks for reading my story and leaving me a comment. I'll be sure to read yours and leave you a comment too.

HD

[onehandedtypist]

Originally Posted by Hardrive

Yes the story was rushed, but I promised ELP that I would submit an entry and I did. I wrote it in two weeks. Unfortunately I didn't have time to edit so some typos slips though... hope that didn't ruin the read for you.

It's a 5,000 word short story that takes place in a span of 3 or 4 hours so you'll have to be more specific about the parts you think were edit out.

FYI, this is not a "train story." The train is just the setting. It's a story about a young man's journey into manhood. And it wasn't having sex that made him a man. It was stepping up and taking responsibility.

Thanks for reading my story and leaving me a comment. I'll be sure to read yours and leave you a comment too.

HD

When Julie was sitting on the bench seat and kept flashing her parted thighs, her naivety to how it affected him wasn't enough of an issue. She "knew what she was doing" which lessens the anticipation. Ideally, a woman would mercilessly tease for much longer. Maybe the girl behind them would get an eyeful before they took the next step and only Julie would see it.

Once he was aware of her watching, he'd be under the impression that she just woke because he wasn't aware of her before he saw that she was looking over. It's supposed to be a dark train. Use that to your advantage. The girl who was watching has room to be hidden from view just as the couple does. Suddenly, she can make the shadows out and discern what it is they were doing, but you previously stated that the car wasn't lit and the lights were going out every so often?

When they were in the bathroom and fell into the aisle outside, I was distracted by the bit of humor, or perceived humor. It is the recounting of a memory. His emotions would be at the forefront. They were bound at the hip and he noticed an older woman screaming in response to seeing them. If I were in that situation, the first thing I'd do is focus on getting myself decent. Yes there's an element of shock but you are in public. In a darkened train car, no one would see much of anything.

In the preceding section, he couldn't find his seat without stepping on toes and bumping into people but suddenly everyone knew what the two of them were up to?

Again, this might just be my issue.

"Train story" referred to the fact that it happened on a train. The sex wasn't a factor though there were issues with continuity. It could have flowed a little better, but as you've said you wrote it in two weeks so I forgive your errors

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by onehandedtypist

(see above critique which ends with) ...there were issues with continuity. It could have flowed a little better, but as you've said you wrote it in two weeks so I forgive your errors

You'll forgive my errors?

Why do I find that so condescending and personally offensive. You know OHT, I'm never sure how to take your comments. It seems you are always trying to tell me how to write my stories and you treat me like I'm an idiot. Is this the way you address the other writers on this forum?

Instead of indicating were you thought my story was edited (which it wasn't) you tried to tell me how you would have written my story. I don't claim to be the best writer here but after reading your entry, I don't see how you can possibly think that you have the knowledge, experience or talent to take anyone here to school about how to write a story. My only explanation is that you have an extremely over-blotted ego.

Just so you know, I wrote for my college newspaper and went on to study journalism and copy-writing. I worked for many years as an advertising copy-writer and freelanced as a featured columnist for several small magazines. I have written four unpublished novels and a book of poetry. With that as a background you'd think that I would feel free to point out other people's errors and make suggestions about how they could improve their writing. But I don't. I don't presume to be that bold or arrogant. You'll note that is also true of Clarise, ejls, ELP or any of the other very talented top writers on this forum.

With that in mind, may I suggest that you make better use of your time and energies by going over your own work and doing everything possible to improve your writing skills.

Please, let's not turn this into a fight. If I misunderstood your intentions, please accept my apologies for this, somewhat harsh reply. Maybe i just wasn't in the mood for this tonight.

Good luck with your CAW10 entry.

HD

[onehandedtypist]

Originally Posted by Hardrive

(A bunch of crap that concludes eloquently with...)

Good luck with your CAW10 entry.

HD

Apparently, having a bad day gives you the audacity to insult my abilities. That's fine. You are a published author and I'm a piece of shit.

I got it. Peace.

[farmer Joe]

a very good entry indeed and the humour goes down better each time i read. I am glad i have the time to go over the stories again and narrow them down. Your entry is officially on my short list FJ

[Daddycums]

Great story! Sexy, funny, and just a tiny bit tragic, all rolled into one. And of course it has a great moral: Remember, kids, don't have sex in train lavatories!

Sucks that they didn't get to finish, but at least he got off earlier, so that should minimize his blue balls. Too bad Julie didn't get the same though.

The part where they came tumbling out the door had me laughing as I imagined them lying on the floor surrounded by all those passengers. And although the conductor had to put on a mean face, I'll bet he was laughing inside too! Too bad it meant that they had to separate for the rest of the trip. A touch of a sad ending, but not enough to ruin the story. Excellent work!

[onehandedtypist]

Originally Posted by rachael_babyface

As far as the criticism and REWRITE!!!!!!!!! by OHT, that was uncalled for. That is very unfair in a competition by another writer. There is no love lost between the two of us, but that was definitely a low move.

Thanks for your opinion. Where's that verification photo?

[Hornycountryboy]

Wow very good story! I really enjoyed this! I didn't think it was rushed, and I couldn't help but laugh at them as they came falling out of the lav. The only sad part was they didn't exchange numbers to maybe finish what they started.

This is definitely on my top five that I might vote for. Great story and good luck in the vote!

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by AngelEyes15

Wow this is a fantastic story! I love the way it's completely an episode in someone's life, and the way he gradually realises he's being teased and seduced. Then great sex, the extra titillation from the teen girl, and the disaster. But as we know he was fine so it's a good memory for him. Great.

Thanks AngelEyes, I enjoyed your story too.

HD

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by ejls

This was so cute Hardrive. I love your male character and his reactions. Love the humor when they came tumbling out of the lav. Good story, my friend.

Thanks ejls. Like you, I try to develop my characters so the reader feels a connection to them. The boy was young, awkward and a bit clumsy. He was puddy in the young woman's hands but he was not helpless and weak. The story states that on that night he became a man, but not because he lost his virginity but because, when he had a real opportunity to show that he really was a man, he stepped up to meet his obligation.

I've already told you how much I enjoyed your story and it is very rewarding when a writer of your caliber tells me she likes my work.

Originally Posted by farmer Joe

a very good entry indeed and the humour goes down better each time i read. I am glad i have the time to go over the stories again and narrow them down. Your entry is officially on my short list FJ

I'm very gratified to hear that. I try to make my stories entertaining and add a little humor as humor is all around us if we can see it. I also include a little message that speaks to the human condition. Hearing from readers like you make the creative process more rewarding.

I want you to know that I also enjoyed reading your story.

HD

[JackassTales]

HD, you can WRITE and this is absolute proof of this! The blowjob was great and made even better by having the inquisitive girl watch. Oh, it about killed my soul that the door burst open before the guy could cum again! This is not meant as a complaint; only as an observation. Overall, very good story!

[ejls]

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by Daddycums

Great story! Sexy, funny, and just a tiny bit tragic, all rolled into one. And of course it has a great moral: Remember, kids, don't have sex in train lavatories!

Sucks that they didn't get to finish, but at least he got off earlier, so that should minimize his blue balls. Too bad Julie didn't get the same though.

The part where they came tumbling out the door had me laughing as I imagined them lying on the floor surrounded by all those passengers. And although the conductor had to put on a mean face, I'll bet he was laughing inside too! Too bad it meant that they had to separate for the rest of the trip. A touch of a sad ending, but not enough to ruin the story. Excellent work!

So glad you enjoyed my story. I enjoyed your story too.

You an I have something in common. We set up our stories so that the reader can accept it as plausible. Once that is accomplished the reader can identify with the characters. He or she is drawn into the story and is able to laugh, feel happy or sorry for what happens. At the end of the story the reader should feel like they shared an experience and not just read a story.

Thank you for your comment and for your story.

HD

[pineapplelovers69]

What a great picture, the two of them falling out of the bathroom and onto the floor. This was a great ride, thanks for inviting us along.

[Rutger5]

Harddrive:

A good story on your part. I like that you do make humor part of your stories. Not meant in a bad way but imo your previous CAW stories (even the missed deadline doll story) were superior to this entry but could just be my preference. Good luck.
r5

[ejls]

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by Rutger5

Harddrive:

A good story on your part. I like that you do make humor part of your stories. Not meant in a bad way but imo your previous CAW stories (even the missed deadline doll story) were superior to this entry but could just be my preference. Good luck.
r5

Thank you R5. I try to make all my stories different. Glad you liked "A Heaven for Nina." That story was one of my best and many readers have told me they would have voted for it if it had been listed in the challenge. However, it had no sex and it bombed on the story site with just an 83 rating and less than 3,000 reads. This one i wrote in just two weeks and didn't even have time to tweak or proof read it.... Yet, in a little over a week its gotten over 12,000 reads with a rating of 93.6. The secret ingredient was sex. Imagine that.


I'll be sure to read your story and leave you a comment.

Ooops... just noticed you don't have a story in this challenge..... my mistake....sorry.

HD

[RageAgainstTheMachine]

[farmer Joe]

[BigRD]

good story well done! enjoyed it a lot. good luck with CAW10

[ejls]

Ladies bump

[farmer Joe]

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by BigRD

good story well done! enjoyed it a lot. good luck with CAW10

Thank you for your comment. I'm happy to hear you enjoyed the story. I urge everyone who likes a story posted on the forum to also give it a positive vote on the story site. Too many good stories get buried in the back pages of the story site because they are attacked by trolls and not given enough support by actual readers.

HD

[ejls]

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by JackassTales

HD, you can WRITE and this is absolute proof of this! The blowjob was great and made even better by having the inquisitive girl watch. Oh, it about killed my soul that the door burst open before the guy could cum again! This is not meant as a complaint; only as an observation. Overall, very good story!

I can't believe I missed your comment and failed to acknowledge it. Yes, thank you very mush for your very kind and generous words. That means a lot coming from one of the best writers here on xnxx.

Also, thanks for the positive vote on the story site.

Thanks again.

HD

[ejls]

[Hardrive]

I propose that all the votes cast for the stories whose authors were banned from the CAW be divided between those writers that sign their post with their initials.

HD

[ELaken-Palmer]

CAW10
BUMP

[Hornycountryboy]

BUMP

[Hardrive]

I'll be gone for a while and the challenge will probably be over by the time I get back. I'm still waiting for that flood of votes that will put me over the top.

HD

[clarise]

Sweet.

In your comments above, you say it is not a train story. But it does take place on a train, and I kept forgetting that. You could have done more with the setting. The rhythm of the wheels, and the screech that they make on turns; the faint shudder from the engines; the pulsing of the generator-fed illumination, the aromatic smell of the surrounding machinery (oil?), the feel of skin on cheap vinyl seats (or whatever the seats are made of; it never says), and so on. Don't get me wrong-- the story is hot, with your attendance to the visual alone. But sex takes place in more than just the eyes.

Speaking of which, the ending smacks of coitus interruptus. Cold water, indeed. I felt like some of that pitcher missed the old lady and splashed on me. I understand why you ended that way; I get the point. Just a shame, is all. The happy ending could have been much happier, is all I'm saying! Sheesh. At least your story had sex. Mine ends with a fireball.

[curiousscouser]

I couldn't help laughing when the toilet door burst open and they both tumbled out. A shame they didn't get to finish things off though, it was a slightly sad ending.

Great story Hardrive, good luck in the CAW!

[Hardrive]

[QUOTE=curiousscouser;4930152]I couldn't help laughing when the toilet door burst open and they both tumbled out. A shame they didn't get to finish things off though, it was a slightly sad ending.

Great story Hardrive, good luck in the CAW![/QUOTT\

THANKS FOR READING... GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.

HD

[Hardrive]

White = Clarise
Orange = Hardrive

Sorry I didn't reply sooner but I knew this would take a little time and I've been quite busy of late.

Originally Posted by clarise

Sweet.

Thank you for giving my story a review. It's always gradifying when a fellow writer takes the time to comment and give some constructive critisism but I'd like to respond to your review because I found some of what you said a bit bafeling. Let's take it one comment at a time.

In your comments above, you say it is not a train story. But it does take place on a train, and I kept forgetting that.

I find it hard to believe that you could possibly forget that the story was taking place on a train considering that the story was less than 5,000 words, is titled “Love Train” and has the word “Train” sprinkled some 20 times throughout the story. That’s not counting the various references to the: conductor, passengers, railroadcar, station manager, tickets, platform and several others. You are way too smart to have missed all that. What do you really mean when you said "I kept forgetting."


You could have done more with the setting. The rhythm of the wheels, and the screech that they make on turns; the faint shudder from the engines; the pulsing of the generator-fed illumination, the aromatic smell of the surrounding machinery (oil?),

I guess you wanted me to describe the feel of riding on a train. Would something like the following quote from the story have qualified?

“As I recall, it was the autumn of my 18th birthday and I was riding the train on my way home from college. I remember that it was late and the sky was stormy and dark as I boarded the railroad car. The train was full and almost every space was taken by passengers and their belongings. Looking up both rows of seats I spotted what looked like an empty place at the back of the car. Moving quickly I picked up my overfilled bag and staggered up the swaying isle, marching to the beat of the clankity-clank of steel wheels rolling on steel rails…

The lights in the car were dim and every so often they blacked out for several seconds making my unsteady trip up the center aisle even more precarious. It seemed like I was apologizing every couple of steps as I unwittingly bumped into and stepped on various passengers along the way. Imagine my disappointment when I finally arrived at the back of the car only to find that the seat I was hoping to take was not really free. It was partially occupied by a pretty young woman’s feet.”

... the feel of skin on cheap vinyl seats (or whatever the seats are made of; it never says),

I guess this line from the story didn’t get the idea across:

“In those days, train seats were actually long leather benches divided into three seats by retractable armrests.”

...and so on.

The “AND SO ON” you are talking about is a matter of style. Some writers like to describe and over describe every little thing in a story. I try to avoid that preferring to give my readers credit for having some basic knowledge and imagination. Also, I think that over describing a scene can bore the hell out of some readers. It can also distract and break the flow and rhythm of the story by diverting the readers attention from the action you are trying to describe. As my old mentor use to say, “You are trying to tell a story not impress the reader with your verbosity. If it doesn’t add anything meaninful to the story, leave it the hell out.”

Don't get me wrong-- the story is hot, with your attendance to the visual alone. But sex takes place in more than just the eyes.

You’re right, it's all about what is going on in the mind of the character. If you remember my story you’ll remember that my character sees very little. It is what is going on in his mind that sets him off and turns him on. The same goes for the reader.

Speaking of which, the ending smacks of coitus interruptus. Cold water, indeed. I felt like some of that pitcher missed the old lady and splashed on me. I understand why you ended that way; I get the point. Just a shame, is all. The happy ending could have been much happier, is all I'm saying!

This is the one criticism with which I fully agree. Had I more time to write the story I probably would have changed that. Their reaching orgasm just as they bust through the door would have made the scene much more dramatic and it would have been funnier to picture them laying in the corridor trying to catch their breath while the other passengers looked on in awe…. But I have to ask, what happy ending are you talking about?


Sheesh. At least your story had sex. Mine ends with a fireball.

Thanks again for taking the time to comment. I know you did your best and no one can expect you to remember every detail of every story.

Just saying…

HD

[clarise]

Originally Posted by Hardrive

White = Clarise
Orange = Hardrive

Sorry I didn't reply sooner but I knew this would take a little time and I've been quite busy of late.



Thanks again for taking the time to comment. I know you did your best and no one can expect you to remember every detail of every story.

Just saying…

HD

Dude. Sorry I kept you up nights. But you didn't put me on a train. You just didn't. You told me I was on a train. You didn't put me there. Sheesh.

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by clarise

Dude. Sorry I kept you up nights. But you didn't put me on a train. You just didn't. You told me I was on a train. You didn't put me there. Sheesh.

You didn't keep me up. I was just puzzled by your strange review which is now even stranger. Guess I didn't know you as well as I thought.

As I said, it's not a story about a train but just for you... here you go. "All aboard... Toot toot, chuckity chuck, clickety, clickety clack. The train is swaying back and forth as it goes down the track." (insert picture here.)

I guess I'm just a lot easier to please or I have a little better imagination, but I had no trouble imagining that your story was occurring in a hotel room even though you didn't describe the wall paper or the smell of the linen.

A word of advice. Never go see a play called "The Fantasticks." The guy holding the moon will drive you crazy.

HD Sheesh.

[Hardrive]

Originally Posted by Hardrive

CAW10 ENTRY