The Girl In The Photograph - CAW 11

[Wee Hector]

Here is my humble effort for CAW 11. I don't expect to get any votes for it as it has been pointed out that non-sexual stories tend not to get get votes but I don't care. It has been great fun to write and if I even get one positive comment about it then I shall be over the moon.

The Girl In The Photograph

I suppose we've all had days when we've asked ourselves "what if.....". It generally occurs when something really bad happens and we feel remorse, though it can also be an expression of relief when something potentially disastrous has been narrowly avoided. Whichever it may be the "what if" syndrome is something which generally lives with us for years until it is happily resolved. This is one such scenario which occurred in my life.

Many a young couple has found to its dismay that the relationship they believed to be based on love is built on the shifting sands of lust and when the lust runs out the shared experience becomes a nightmare. This was my own situation when my wife Susanne and I finally realised that our three-year marriage was built on foundations of clay. Those early heady days of intense sexual activity soon gave way to arguments, recriminations and the usual "sorry, darling, but I have a headache" excuses. The only good ingredient of this marital breakdown was the lack of children in our lives as we had decided from the beginning that we should wait at least five years before starting a family. Perhaps a baby might have made a difference to our lives but in the long run it was probably for the best that a young child have nothing to do with our disintegrating liaison.

I had moved out of our flat and found myself a small bed-sit on the outskirts of London within easy reach of my place of work but still far enough away to be outwith the unspeakable price-range of inner-city properties. Fortunately we had decided to rent for the first few years of our marriage and I therefore found myself free of any back-breaking mortgage repayments and I was thus able to lead a pleasant life. Working for a well-known insurance company gave me a good salary and left my weekends free so I was able to have nights out with friends and Saturday visits to see my favourite football team, Fulham. Okay, they're not exactly Chelsea, Arsenal or Spurs but my dad was a great fan of Johnny Haynes and he instilled a love of the club in me. After the disaster of my married life I was in no great hurry to start up another serious relationship and bounced around from one-night-stand to one-night-stand. Some of them were really nice girls and in a normal situation I would have been looking to start a permanent bond with any one of them but for the moment I just could not face the idea.

It was one Monday morning that a chance occurrence started of a chain of events that would have a profound effect on my life. My routine was firmly set in stone; I would arrive at the railway station at 8am, buy myself a newspaper which I would then sift through until my train arrived at 8:15, arrival at my destination at 8:45 followed by a 5 minute walk to my office before starting work at 9 sharp. On the morning in question, however, an accident on the line had led to trains being held up and I arrived to find that the 7:45 was still sitting at the platform. A quick calculation told me that if I waited for my usual train I would more than likely be late for work so I forewent my daily read and rushed onto the platform, boarding the train moments before it set off. The carriages were overcrowded and I found myself obliged to stand for the duration of the journey. I listened to the mutterings around me as people I recognised complained about not having a seat but the trip was relatively short, unlike some I had undertaken while a student when I spent an entire night sleeping in the corridor of a coach, and I refrained from becoming involved in their conversations

The end result of all of this was that I found myself with 30 minutes to fill before I reported for work and with nothing of interest on the usual route I slipped off into a side street I had never visited before. I was amazed to discover that, apart from the pub and various offices I was aware of from my regular crossing over the street, there were a number of small shops selling bric-a-brac, much of which I considered junk but may have been worth a small fortune to the initiated. Suddenly I found myself before a shop window full of photographs. I was immediately entranced by the beauty displayed; most were highly emotive shots taken in black and white and were easily recognisable to anyone with an artistic bent as the work of a creative genius. I quickly looked at my watch and, finding I had plenty of time in hand, began to inspect the works of art displayed. The general theme consisted of atmospheric settings involving mist, fog, rain or sunshine set against houses, haystacks or other edifices.

My eyes moved across to a photo I had not noticed at first glance; the composition was that of a night time setting of a street shrouded in mist, a façade of houses facing a row of park railings. The lighting and the texture were truly wonderful and I had great difficulty moving my gaze from it. It was with regret that I looked down at my watch only to find that more time had passed than I had realised and with one last glance ran off towards my place of work.

That evening after work I decided to check out the shop again and have another look at the photos. Nothing had changed since that morning and the shop was still closed so I passed a good half hour, most of it spent looking at the one which had caught my attention that morning, before taking a later train home than usual. For some unknown reason that photo worked its way into my psyche as I found myself compelled to pass by the shop the next morning. I was surprised to detect the presence of a vague figure emerging from the mist which I had not detected the previous day but put it down to a trick of the light. After work I accompanied colleagues back towards the station only to find myself inexplicably heading off towards the shop.

Each day saw me magnetically attracted towards this shop window and each day I found that the figure, that of a young woman, became more and more evident, emerging from the mist. Perhaps the most surprising part of this, as though the appearance of a previously unseen personage was not unusual in itself, was the fact that the young woman was in colour whereas the remainder of the photograph was in black and white; so much was I enthralled with this developing spectacle that I even headed off to town during the weekend to witness the continuing progression. Much to my despair, the shop remained resolutely closed during my visits and I was unable to elicit information concerning the origin or even the price of this most wonderful work of art.

What most attracted my attention during this time was the shimmering olive green coat worn by the young woman which contrasted with her golden hair. She seemed vaguely familiar to me but I could not for the life of me explain why. Each night from then on I would suddenly wake with the vision of this green coat fixed in my head. I soon found myself assimilating the green of her coat with her desirability even more so than her physical beauty which emerged more and more every day. I became increasingly incensed at the consistent closure of the shop which appeared to respect no opening hours which could possibly appeal to any member of the passing public. Nonetheless I was ineluctably drawn back to view what had now become for me my daily drug.

It was on the Friday evening of the third week that I passed to take in the last of my, by now, thrice daily doses of pleasure, as by now I was spending each lunch time, much to the dismay of my workmates, viewing the object of all of my desires. By now the young woman was totally in the foreground and staring fully into the camera. More than ever she reminded me of someone I knew, or rather had known in the past, but I was still incapable of putting a name to her. Suddenly my attention was distracted by what I assumed to be movement inside the shop. I moved to the door and peered inside. Sure enough there stood a seemingly ancient old gentleman so I tried pushing down on the handle and the door opened.

"Are you open?" I asked, realising how stupid this must sound, but I could think of nothing more intelligent to say.

"As you see, since you have now come in" he replied in a straight, though I assumed half-mocking tone.

"I've been looking at a photo in your window but you always seem to be closed."

"I'm semi-retired and only open when I'm expecting a customer."

"So I'm in luck. Since you're waiting for someone."

"Yes. As I said I was waiting for a customer. Now what can I do for you?"

"I was wondering how much the photo with the young woman in the green coat costs" I replied knowing full well that it would be far beyond my means.

"Didn't you see the price tag on it?" he answered gesturing over to the vitrine with his hand.

I moved across and turned the pedestal which held the object to find that it did indeed have a price tag. What shocked me, however, was the cost. Instead of the several hundred pounds I was expecting, it read "£20".

"This can't be right" I protested, but I was assured that it was correct. The photographer was apparently someone of means and wished his work to attain as wide an audience as possible. In my mind I told myself that the frame alone was worth far more than the asking price and the photo was, well, priceless. Without more ado I handed over the money and departed with the desired icon.

On arrival home I hung the photo above the fireplace and spent the rest of the evening staring at it. It was a large photo and could be easily viewed from a distance and this made my disbelief at its risible price all the greater. I changed position several times during the evening but the stare of the young woman who was becoming more and more desirable by the minute became inescapable. Even in sleep her face haunted me and it was with a hint of disappointment that I woke the next morning to the incessant sound of my alarm clock.

Today was a big day. It was Saturday and Fulham were playing in the FA Cup at Peterborough. I had arranged to meet some mates at King's Cross station to go to the match. I took one last look at the photo before setting off into London where a group of us took our places in the last carriage of the London-Leeds express.

The journey was short and we spent time chatting about work and drinking a couple of beers. Arriving in Peterborough we headed for the exit deep in discussion but for some unknown reason my attention was attracted towards the second-last coach. A young woman was looking through a window towards me, her hair was blond and I recognised the girl in the photo. I moved over towards the coach but the train began to move and since the coaches were air-conditioned the windows could not be opened. I ran alongside as far as I could, watching as she waved her hand and mouthed incomprehensible words to me. My last view of her was one of total despair. This was the woman I had been dreaming of for the last few weeks and who had been within touching distance only to disappear.

The rest was just a blur. I think Fulham won though that's only because my pals were celebrating afterwards. I was a totally miserable bastard and none of them could understand why. When we got back to London I set off home rather than go out on the traditional lads' night out, claiming I had come down with a bug. To make matters worse on arrival home I found that the photo had once again changed. The figure was now in silhouette and by close examination I worked out that she was walking away from the camera. I drank far more than was good for me and the next day was in no fit state to even think about examining the image.

Fortunately by Monday morning I had recovered and set off to work with a spring in my step. The photo no longer held the same attraction for me and as the week progressed the figure appeared to walk off into the misty distance. By the following weekend I was beginning to regret paying even the miserable sum of £20 for it. It was therefore no hardship on Sunday evening to remove the previous chef d'oeuvre from the wall and consign it to the depths of a rarely visited cupboard.

And so we reach what would have been the end of this unusual story but for one thing. Some three months after the unusual happenings I have related I once again found myself in the horns of a dilemma. A burst water pipe had closed my normal route to work and I found it necessary to take the diversion I had been using on a regular basis all those weeks before. Without realising it I stopped before the window I had viewed so many times previously only this time it was empty. A sign indicated that the premises were for rent and a note on the door stated that the owner had now retired. I immediately felt a sense of sadness as I thought back to those moments of pleasure that the photos had given me. I found myself wishing that the photos I had seen had found good homes and it suddenly made me feel guilty to think that I had hidden a work of art in the back of a cupboard where no-one would ever see it.

That evening I was invited to the birthday party of Mike, who was one of my pals since primary school. By now I was getting over the divorce and had again become one of the lads and was therefore looking forward to getting laid. As I was one of the early arrivals I was also one those who overdid the drink and by the time that most of the guests arrived I was more than merry. It was sometime during the evening when I was sitting looking into my half-empty glass that Mike approached me.

"Dave..." he said in a slurred voice.

"Duncan. It's Duncan," I replied

"That's what I meant. Duncan, do you remember Gillian Gilmour from primary school?"

I looked back down towards my half-empty glass and took a drink.

"Who the hell wouldn't remember her?" I answered. "God's gift to little boys. Christ, I used to wank myself silly thinking about her."

Suddenly I was hit by the realisation of what had happened.

"Well, Dave..."

"Duncan!"

"Well, Duncan, old chap..;"

With that he staggered to the side and collapsed in a heap though whether he was pushed or fell I could not say but I now found myself confronted by the object of all my desires.

"Hello, Duncan. I came across your photograph in a strange little shop recently."

[ELaken-Palmer]

This is the best use (so far) of the CAW11 photograph which played a very major part in this story. It was written well, though I had to think about the ending... which isn't a bad thing. Not a bad story at all.

[Daddycums]

Wow! A beautiful, haunting story with just enough fantasy in it to grab the reader's attention and keep them mesmerized. What I like best about it is that from the beginning you set it up to have a cloud of doom hanging over it, a foreshadowing of unfulfilled love (especially when the girl in the photograph starts walking away) and then, wham! Suddenly you hit us over the head with a happy ending.

That's the good news. The bad news is that I can't in good conscience vote for a story without any sex in the CAW. Sorry. But don't take that as criticism. It's a lovely story nonetheless, and I suspect you'll receive plenty of votes from others who aren't as concerned with sex as I am.

[Forever Whatever]

Fabulous. As ELP said, great use of the photo. Excellent suspense.

[snowleopard3200]

Excellent.

[Wee Hector]

Originally Posted by Daddycums

Wow! A beautiful, haunting story with just enough fantasy in it to grab the reader's attention and keep them mesmerized. What I like best about it is that from the beginning you set it up to have a cloud of doom hanging over it, a foreshadowing of unfulfilled love (especially when the girl in the photograph starts walking away) and then, wham! Suddenly you hit us over the head with a happy ending.

That's the good news. The bad news is that I can't in good conscience vote for a story without any sex in the CAW. Sorry. But don't take that as criticism. It's a lovely story nonetheless, and I suspect you'll receive plenty of votes from others who aren't as concerned with sex as I am.

As I said in my preamble I'm not really expecting any votes for it. Horse mentioned a few weeks ago that non-sexual stories don't get votes and I wrote it with that in mind; the idea just didn't lend itself to the inclusion of a sex scene for the sake of it. Thinking back to the comments I received when I posted my first stories, any praise will be reward enough.

I originally intended to finish the story with the train pulling out of the station and then later came up with the idea of offering a happy ending for anyone who wanted it. The final result is a compromise between the two.

I had planned to include a couple of photos to show the progression of the story but problems with my wifi network have made it difficult so far. However here is the photo as it is originally portrayed in the story.

nogirl1.jpg

Many thanks to those who have read the story and good luck to everyone who is taking part. I look forward to reading all the entries which I am sure will surpass the already high standards set in previous CAWs and may the best writer win!

[marry4]

[Empress Lainie]

What a great story....... echoes of Dorian Grey!

[Wee Hector]

Originally Posted by Empress Lainie

What a great story....... echoes of Dorian Grey!

I did refer to it in the other thread but well done for seeing the link.

I'm worried that my story may be straying into your territory and we may end up with two very similar tales. I hope I am wrong and am looking forward to reading your usual high-standard offering. Just to let you know my story makes reference to Oscar Wilde and Heinrich Böll.

For anyone interested the Böll quote refers to the obsession with the colour of the coat and occurs in "Das Brot Der Frühen Jahre" (The Bread Of Those Early Days)

[Cheltenham]

You spent a lot of time writing this

The improved quality of your work shows. Sometimes it takes a special kind of inspiration to birth such a gem as this. I like how you described different facets of the painting and how you incorporated it into your story.

I think the variety overall has been better since so many of us neglected to fill our tales with an obligatory poke. Good show!

[Ukslut]

[Wee Hector]

I'm presently wondering if I should follow the lead of others and post this on the Stories site. I know it would give the trolls a field day but I may try it out.

[Daddycums]

Originally Posted by Wee Hector

As I said in my preamble I'm not really expecting any votes for it. Horse mentioned a few weeks ago that non-sexual stories don't get votes and I wrote it with that in mind; the idea just didn't lend itself to the inclusion of a sex scene for the sake of it. Thinking back to the comments I received when I posted my first stories, any praise will be reward enough.

I'm not suggesting it would be better if you had included a gratuitous sex scene or two; in fact, I like it just how it is. My "no sex = no vote" policy is just for myself, and I certainly won't begrudge you any votes you receive in the contest.

Originally Posted by Wee Hector

I originally intended to finish the story with the train pulling out of the station and then later came up with the idea of offering a happy ending for anyone who wanted it. The final result is a compromise between the two.

I'm glad you ended it that way, but then, I'm a sucker for a happy ending. I felt that throughout the story there were two forces at work: destiny trying to bring the characters together vs. the doom of star-crossed lovers. Fate vs. missed opportunities. The story could have worked with either side winning, but I'm glad you chose the happier outcome. And yes, I know that their future is by no means guaranteed; I just like to imagine that it really is destiny and they are meant to be together.

Originally Posted by Wee Hector

I'm presently wondering if I should follow the lead of others and post this on the Stories site. I know it would give the trolls a field day but I may try it out.

As long as you don't mind the trolls, you might as well. Worst case scenario: the trolls vote it down to oblivion and no one reads it, in which case you're no worse off than if you don't post it.

[aesopstails]

Very well done!

I particularly liked your prefacing remarks- you should be proud of your efforts regardless of the story's reception (though I can't imagine this garnering many negative comments). In fact, the only constructive criticism I can offer would be to mention that a sentence or two are a tad lengthy, but I think I only noticed that because it is my own "specialty". I tend to write as I speak, so my use of run-on sentences is legendary!

Some of the positives:

You have a particular talent for referencing something familiar while making the final product entirely your own. You made a point of starting with something so many of us can relate to, then created a twist by introducing the fantasy aspect. Well thought-out and well executed! In addition to the "Dorian Gray" aspect of the photo, the shop reminded me of King's Needful Things, yet the story didn't rely on those references in any way.

You were very descriptive. I get quite annoyed reading something that doesn't allow me to see it play out in my own head, and I "saw" your entire story quite clearly as I read it.

You made your main character so clear in my mind that I was surprised when his name was revealed near the end. I felt like I knew him because of how well you explained him, his actions, and his experiences, and I think I actually said "Duh!" aloud when I realized that I hadn't even known his name. Such a basic piece of information that I hadn't realized I was missing, since you created such a clear idea of him for me!

I very much like the motion in your words. Where I might have written "I saw a picture...", you wrote "My eyes moved across to a photo...". That's the type of detail that, to me anyway, signals a thoughtful writer who has not just a talent for writing but also puts forth a careful effort for the readers.

I don't get to read as many stories here as I once did, and I'm glad to have landed on yours tonight - thank you!

[Wee Hector]

I would like to thank all those who have read the story and have commented on it but 3 contributors (Cheltenham, Daddycums and aesopstails) have made me look back to the story and see it in a different light and I have discovered things about the story I never imagined while writing it.

Firstly, Cheltenham, as soon as I saw the photograph I knew what the story was going to be and working out the storyline took about 5 minutes. Extra details came with very little thought so the time spent writing was totally concerned with style and form. The first session of about 2 hours took the story up to the discovery of the shop and I had to give up due to work. At this point I must add a big thank you to ejls as I had considered giving up on it. I took the story up again a couple of weeks later, during which time I had decided on giving a happy ending to those who wished it, and wrote the remainder in a stint of 5 hours. Not trying to put down your analysis but the photo really inspired me and made the task incredibly easy.

As for the comments of DC and AT they have made me question why I actually wrote what I wrote as I had no Freudian intentions. The train scene was always going to be the way of letting those who read deeply enough know that the photos came in pairs and reflected the connection between the main characters. This was later made obvious in the happy ending. The sending of the photo to the depths of the cupboard were also intended to prevent him seeing the possibility of the woman re-entering his life. Who is the man in the shop? An Angel? The Devil? I don't know.

It is only today that I realised from DCs comment that the initial "lust" section connects to the added-on "God's gift to little boys" and may predict that the "happy" ending is not so happy. As I say, why and how I wrote this story, and in such quick time, is still a mystery to me but it was great fun.

[Hornycountryboy]

Well Wee Hector, you have written a very good story. I honestly didn't know what the outcome was going to be, but was very happy that he was able to buy the photo for cheap. I was actually worried that the store would never open, I really liked how you ended it.

Great job and good luck!

[BlackRonin]

Did you know, I did not realize until reading this that the woman in the photograph is walking away from the camera?

In any case, this one I liked. It's an elusive story, and it feels natural. It's something of a hard-luck tale but it's not overweening about it. It's kind of a quiet magical realism story that doesn't spoil the fun by insisting on "meaning" something in any particularly obvious way in the end. It reminded me a bit of the Neil Gaiman story "Looking for the Girl", which is good reading for anyone who wants to strike this particular note. Personally I would have preferred the train ending, but i'ts a matter of taste. I did, for the record, have to read that last sentence about four or five times to figure out who the hell was talking and what it actually meant, so I would recommend at least a "she said" on the end to make it a bit less obtuse.

By way of criticism, I would say that this story has a particularly rough start, which seems to indicate either too much revision or too little. It evens out in short order and hits a good mark by about the time the narrator first glimpses the photo, which is when the story really begins anyway, so these are not terribly troubling flaws, but I still think a stronger open would serve the story well, particularly since people are prone to jumping up to the "Back" button if they're not drawn in right away.

I'll pick on the first two paragraphs:

I suppose we've all had days when we've asked ourselves "what if.....". It generally occurs when something really bad happens and we feel remorse, though it can also be an expression of relief when something potentially disastrous has been narrowly avoided.

So, "What if?" can mean opposing things...but which does it mean now? Maybe it's just me, but if you open a story by saying, "Well, this could be so, but this totally opposite thing could also be so instead," that's rather the same as saying nothing at all? It is not, in any case, the most compelling lead you could have.

Whichever it may be the "what if" syndrome is something which generally lives with us for years until it is happily resolved.

I'm not really sure that is how it goes?

Many a young couple has found to its dismay that the relationship they believed to be based on love is built on the shifting sands of lust and when the lust runs out the shared experience becomes a nightmare. This was my own situation when my wife Susanne and I finally realised that our three-year marriage was built on foundations of clay.

Wait, one second a shaky marriage is built on "sand" (something of a tired metaphor, but at least a clear one), but then in the next sentence it's "clay"? I think we're mixing metaphors here. This is also a bit turgid; "Many a young couple" sounds pompous and I'm not really sure "shifting sands of lust" stands up as a turn of phrase.

This entry opens up with a study of a rocky marriage that in the end has nothing at all do with the story? Granted, it tells us a lot about the character; he's probably middle-aged, probably has regrets, probably thinks a lot more about the past than he should, etc. In truth though, I think you could illustrate that in a couple of solid sentences, which, combined with the fact that it's a pretty easily relatable character portrait and with the sense of general malaise (which is quite good) throughout the rest of the story, would get the point across just as well.

My point with all this is that the opening feels fractured; it goes in a lot of different directions at once, and none of them are all that conducive to getting on with the story. It feels as if we have a narrator who does not really know what he wants to say. In fairness, this does accurately reflect the character's state of mind...but to the detriment of the story, in my opinion. In truth, this feels a little like what happens when you start a first draft and aren't quite sure yet where the story will go, so you cast around a bit. That's a pretty normal process, but it shouldn't last through the first couple of revisions. Alternatively, sometimes people will try to "flesh out" a story upon multiple revisions and will end up just tacking on extra lines that don't really say anything (because the core idea was already there and really we're just trying to inflate it). I'm not sure which, if either, happened here, but it means the story gets rolling with the brakes on.

But enough of that. It is, as I said already, quite a good story, and the problems I cited are ones that take care of themselves by about the one-third mark anyway. It's engaging and nuanced, and it strikes me as a work of sincere and pronounced empathy, and likely to provoke an equally sincere reaction on the part of readers. It succeeds at the kind of emotional evocativeness (not a word, apparently, but hell with it) that virtually every amateur writer tries their hand at as a matter of kind but fails as a matter equally so.

[BlackRonin]

And yes, I certainly would post it on the main site too; even if it garners a poor reaction, you'll easily draw more readers there, which is the only thing that really matters.

[Wee Hector]

Originally Posted by BlackRonin

Did you know, I did not realize until reading this that the woman in the photograph is walking away from the camera?

In any case, this one I liked. It's an elusive story, and it feels natural. It's something of a hard-luck tale but it's not overweening about it. It's kind of a quiet magical realism story that doesn't spoil the fun by insisting on "meaning" something in any particularly obvious way in the end. It reminded me a bit of the Neil Gaiman story "Looking for the Girl", which is good reading for anyone who wants to strike this particular note. Personally I would have preferred the train ending, but i'ts a matter of taste. I did, for the record, have to read that last sentence about four or five times to figure out who the hell was talking and what it actually meant, so I would recommend at least a "she said" on the end to make it a bit less obtuse.

By way of criticism, I would say that this story has a particularly rough start, which seems to indicate either too much revision or too little. It evens out in short order and hits a good mark by about the time the narrator first glimpses the photo, which is when the story really begins anyway, so these are not terribly troubling flaws, but I still think a stronger open would serve the story well, particularly since people are prone to jumping up to the "Back" button if they're not drawn in right away.

I'll pick on the first two paragraphs:

I suppose we've all had days when we've asked ourselves "what if.....". It generally occurs when something really bad happens and we feel remorse, though it can also be an expression of relief when something potentially disastrous has been narrowly avoided.

So, "What if?" can mean opposing things...but which does it mean now? Maybe it's just me, but if you open a story by saying, "Well, this could be so, but this totally opposite thing could also be so instead," that's rather the same as saying nothing at all? It is not, in any case, the most compelling lead you could have.

Whichever it may be the "what if" syndrome is something which generally lives with us for years until it is happily resolved.

I'm not really sure that is how it goes?

Many a young couple has found to its dismay that the relationship they believed to be based on love is built on the shifting sands of lust and when the lust runs out the shared experience becomes a nightmare. This was my own situation when my wife Susanne and I finally realised that our three-year marriage was built on foundations of clay.

Wait, one second a shaky marriage is built on "sand" (something of a tired metaphor, but at least a clear one), but then in the next sentence it's "clay"? I think we're mixing metaphors here. This is also a bit turgid; "Many a young couple" sounds pompous and I'm not really sure "shifting sands of lust" stands up as a turn of phrase.

This entry opens up with a study of a rocky marriage that in the end has nothing at all do with the story? Granted, it tells us a lot about the character; he's probably middle-aged, probably has regrets, probably thinks a lot more about the past than he should, etc. In truth though, I think you could illustrate that in a couple of solid sentences, which, combined with the fact that it's a pretty easily relatable character portrait and with the sense of general malaise (which is quite good) throughout the rest of the story, would get the point across just as well.

My point with all this is that the opening feels fractured; it goes in a lot of different directions at once, and none of them are all that conducive to getting on with the story. It feels as if we have a narrator who does not really know what he wants to say. In fairness, this does accurately reflect the character's state of mind...but to the detriment of the story, in my opinion. In truth, this feels a little like what happens when you start a first draft and aren't quite sure yet where the story will go, so you cast around a bit. That's a pretty normal process, but it shouldn't last through the first couple of revisions. Alternatively, sometimes people will try to "flesh out" a story upon multiple revisions and will end up just tacking on extra lines that don't really say anything (because the core idea was already there and really we're just trying to inflate it). I'm not sure which, if either, happened here, but it means the story gets rolling with the brakes on.

But enough of that. It is, as I said already, quite a good story, and the problems I cited are ones that take care of themselves by about the one-third mark anyway. It's engaging and nuanced, and it strikes me as a work of sincere and pronounced empathy, and likely to provoke an equally sincere reaction on the part of readers. It succeeds at the kind of emotional evocativeness (not a word, apparently, but hell with it) that virtually every amateur writer tries their hand at as a matter of kind but fails as a matter equally so.

Thanks for your input, BR. You're not just a brilliant writer but you are a great critic. You take the time to analyse the story and point out the good and the bad; exactly what everyone wishes from a reader. I shall take on board what you say and hope it makes me a better writer in the future. I feel that with this story I have stepped over a threshold and can only improve.

[BlackRonin]

I'd say it's your best work. Well, best that I've read.

[ejls]

There is really nothing I can add to the comments that were written before mine. And I wouldn't dream of telling you how to write, because I don't think I'm qualified to do so. But I will talk about your story.

I loved it. I don't think I needed a long introduction to his life because for me the story started when he got on the train. I was all set to enjoy him meeting someone new - but that didn't happen. Instead, he went for a walk.

From then on, there was almost an eerie feeling about him and the picture. I was sure something supernatural was going to happen, but it really didn't (Except the retirement of the little old shopkeeper. Coincidence?). And then I became confused with his falling out of pleasure with the picture. I simply didn't know where you were going to lead us.

The ending was wonderful. You left it open to be continued and I like that. I like to imagine looks and settings. You described things just enough without giving us a shopping list. You described the meeting and left me wanting more. But then, I can use my imagination for my own ending.

This was a really good effort, Wee Hector.

[ejls]

bump

[Wee Hector]

bump

[Twistedsister]

Pound

[wantsomefun]

Very Alfred Hitchcock. I enjoyed it immensely.

The eerie feeling of the whole thing was what did it for me. Who was she? Why did she appear to him in the ways she did? What was real and what was a vision? Is this guy sane?

Nicely done, especially your description of the changes in the photograph. Just the right amount of witchcraft or unexplained happenings to make it fun.

[darthel0101]

Originally Posted by wantsomefun

Nicely done, especially your description of the changes in the photograph. Just the right amount of witchcraft or unexplained happenings to make it fun.

Magic in the photograph, magic in the shopkeeper, magic in the chance encounters throughout the story.

I actually did not realize the potential for duplicate images to be involved until the ending and now wonder what would have happened if Duncan had left the photo on his wall.

Do Duncan and Gillian hang the photographs side by side and what will happen if they do?

[ejls]

[DoyleGentry]

Interesting. I had thought of something similar for my entry but went with the focus on the fog. Well done.

[JackassTales]

Nice story...although I do like at less a Wee bit of SEX in my tales!

[Wee Hector]

Originally Posted by JackassTales

Nice story...although I do like at less a Wee bit of SEX in my tales!

I did write "wank" in the eighth line from the end.

[ahorsewithnoname]

Far better critics than I have given you great praise and have given you points to consider. May I simply say that I have enjoyed this story thoroughly, and glad that you entered it. Thank you.

[ELaken-Palmer]

Originally Posted by Wee Hector

I did write "wank" in the eighth line from the end.

He did! I checked.

[Cheltenham]

Originally Posted by Wee Hector

Firstly, Cheltenham, as soon as I saw the photograph I knew what the story was going to be and working out the storyline took about 5 minutes. Extra details came with very little thought so the time spent writing was totally concerned with style and form. The first session of about 2 hours took the story up to the discovery of the shop and I had to give up due to work. At this point I must add a big thank you to ejls as I had considered giving up on it. I took the story up again a couple of weeks later, during which time I had decided on giving a happy ending to those who wished it, and wrote the remainder in a stint of 5 hours. Not trying to put down your analysis but the photo really inspired me and made the task incredibly easy.

And a big thank you to ejls I'm glad she encouraged you to finish this tale.

Judging by what you've said, I think your story was waiting to be written. That is part of what made it so enjoyable for me to read. The other part (of course) is your talent as a writer. If you weren't receptive to the inspiration, its transmission wouldn't have been relayed by your synapses to your mind and fingers.

[Hornycountryboy]

Bump

[Hornycountryboy]

Bump

[ahorsewithnoname]

bump

[Wee Hector]

I just can't believe this thread has gone through the 2000 views barrier. I've done nothing to publicise it and have only opened it myself when there was a new post by someone else. There must be something about it which is being passed round by readers but I can't imagine what it can be. Anyway, thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and comment.

[JoeDirty]

Could someone 'splain to me the logic of NON-SEXUAL STORIES in a section at a PORN FORUM titled "SEX STORIES"?

[ejls]

Originally Posted by JoeDirty

Could someone 'splain to me the point of NON-SEXUAL stories on a PORN FORUM in a section titled SEX STORIES?

Because in a site with few rules and open forums, people are pretty much free to post what they wish. Are you not happy unless you're complaining about something, Joe?

[JoeDirty]

Originally Posted by ejls

Because in a site with few rules and open forums, people are pretty much free to post what they wish. Are you not happy unless you're complaining about something, Joe?

NON-SEX STORIES in a "SEX STORIES" section at a FUCKIN' PORN FORUM is dumber than shit.

Much like most everything and most everyone around here.

This is the most illogical, contradictory, and fucked up in the head place on the net.

The Rules. The majority of the posters. All fucked up in the head.

[Wee Hector]

Originally Posted by JoeDirty

Could someone 'splain to me the logic of NON-SEXUAL stories in a section at a PORN FORUM titled "SEX STORIES"?

It's a challenge which involves writing a story about a subject in the best way one can. If this is done in a non-sexual way then it does not contravene the rules of the challenge; it merely leaves the writer open to the punishment of zero votes. It is not a prerequisite to stuff as much "wank-ammo" as possible into each cubic-inch.

I'm a bit surprised to discover that you took the trouble to post, Joe, as I thought your time was better filled in ranting against paedophiles. It's probably just as well you didn't read the story or you might now be trying to get me banned for including "primary school" and "wank" in the same paragraph.

[JoeDirty]

Originally Posted by Wee Hector

It's a challenge which involves writing a story about a subject in the best way one can. If this is done in a non-sexual way then it does not contravene the rules of the challenge; it merely leaves the writer open to the punishment of zero votes. It is not a prerequisite to stuff as much "wank-ammo" as possible into each cubic-inch.

I'm a bit surprised to discover that you took the trouble to post, Joe, as I thought your time was better filled in ranting against paedophiles. It's probably just as well you didn't read the story or you might now be trying to get me banned for including "primary school" and "wank" in the same paragraph.

But wee man...

If it were just YOU posting this "NON-SEX" stuff I'd hold it as you just being an oddball.

But YOU AREN'T the only one.

I've noticed more than a few NON-SEX STORIES being posted in this contest which...let me remind you yet again...is in the "SEX STORIES" section at the XNXX FORUM which is allegedly a FUCKIN' PORN FORUM.

[ejls]

Originally Posted by JoeDirty

But wee man...

If it were just YOU posting this "NON-SEX" stuff I'd hold it as you just being an oddball.

But YOU AREN'T the only one.

I've noticed more than a few NON-SEX STORIES being posted in this contest which...let me remind you yet again...is in the "SEX STORIES" section at the XNXX FORUM which is allegedly a FUCKIN' PORN FORUM.

That's right Joe - free to post a nonsexual story in an open forum. How come you didn't trash my nonsexual Christmas story when I posted it? Just go back to your shemales and stop trashing good writing. Better yet, find a pedo story and start your argument there.

[ahorsewithnoname]

Originally Posted by JoeDirty

NON-SEX STORIES in a "SEX STORIES" section at a FUCKIN' PORN FORUM is dumber than shit.

Much like most everything and most everyone around here.

This is the most illogical, contradictory, and fucked up in the head place on the net.

The Rules. The majority of the posters. All fucked up in the head.

Coming from you, Joe, we should all take that as the ultimate compliment. If there's anyone that completely and utterly understands what it is like to be fucked up in the head, you, sir, sit at the front of that class. Enjoy your ride on the short school bus this morning.

[darthel0101]

Originally Posted by ejls

Just go back to your shemales and stop trashing good writing. Better yet, find a pedo story and start your argument there.

I bet I can keep him busy in the ban on pedo thread - LOL

[ejls]

Originally Posted by darthel0101

I bet I can keep him busy in the ban on pedo thread - LOL

OOOOHhhhhhhh, my hero!

[JoeDirty]

Originally Posted by ejls

That's right Joe - free to post a nonsexual story in an open forum. How come you didn't trash my nonsexual Christmas story when I posted it? Just go back to your shemales and stop trashing good writing. Better yet, find a pedo story and start your argument there.

And yet I'M THE ONE WHO ALLEGEDLY MISUNDERSTANDS WHAT A WORD (i.e., "pedo") MEANS!!!

What part of

S-E-X

S-T-O-R-I-E-S

don't you understand?

[darthel0101]

oops - he slipped by

Unfortunately, I am unable to find anything in any of the FAQs that say that threads created have to contain stories of a sexual nature. I am able to find some varieties of stories which are not acceptable to post for morality-?- reasons (age limit, scat, beastiality, death threats - although how scat is immoral is beyond me) but nothing about requiring that stories contain sex.

Here is an interesting concept - If a thread does not gather any conversation then it will drop off the boards in time so the best way to cause these things to disappear is actually to ignore them.

[JoeDirty]

Originally Posted by darthel0101

oops - he slipped by

Unfortunately, I am unable to find anything in any of the FAQs that say that threads created have to contain stories of a sexual nature. I am able to find some varieties of stories which are not acceptable to post for morality-?- reasons (age limit, scat, beastiality, death threats - although how scat is immoral is beyond me) but nothing about requiring that stories contain sex.

Here is an interesting concept - If a thread does not gather any conversation then it will drop off the boards in time so the best way to cause these things to disappear is actually to ignore them.

TBH I really don't give a flyin' fuck. It's just STOOPID having NON-SEX STORIES here.

What really pisses me off is the pedo shit. (And don't anyone tell you that XNXX doesn't have it. It does. Just click "Sex Stories" at the top of the page. You'll find shit that would've made that sick fucker De Sade vomit! )

[JoeDirtey]

Originally Posted by JoeDirty

Could someone 'splain to me the logic of NON-SEXUAL STORIES in a section at a PORN FORUM titled "SEX STORIES"?

I don't write sex stories. I don't read sex stories. I just come here because I don't have a pork chop to tie to my neck so my dog will play with me.