Chuck Norris Facts :D

[Glitterbug2212]

lol i dunno why but im bored and going to post some

Chuck Norris counted to infinity ...twice

Under Chuck Norris' bear is another fist

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

more to come later...

[omgkat]

If you have 5 bucks, and Chuck Norris has 5 bucks, he has more money than you.

[Glitterbug2212]

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

Chuck Norris doesnt go hunting he goes killing.

[69zackxx]

chuck norris sleeps with a nightlight on, not because hes afraid of the dark. Because the dark is afraid of chuck norris.


chuck norris can unscramble an egg.

:D

[Igor]

When Chuck Norris does push ups, he's actually pushing the Earth down.

[sullygom]

Who's Chuck Norris ???

[finegirls1]

Great post

Thank you and keep it up

[ShakeZula]

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that Chunk Norris went back in time and fathered himself.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scabble, you win. Forever.

If Chuck Norris were a calender every month would be called Chucktober and every day he would kick your ass.

If at first you don't succeed you are not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris needs a monkey wrench and a blow torch to masturbate.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks in to random houses and people move.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles in beef jerky.

-S-

[Glitterbug2212]

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, unfortunately he has never cried.

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

(this one may be offensive but whatever)
Terry Shciavo once had sex with Chuck Norris and said he was the second best ever...the next day the term "persistent vegetative state" was coined

[zyzy]

Originally Posted by sullygom

Who's Chuck Norris ???

It is just a silly old US thing

[budgreeen]

If there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

[Circe]

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

[AZRIEL]

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

[porter]

When Norris tries to shave, even a diamond isn't hard enough to cut into his stubble.

[rain728]

chuck Norris didn't learn martial arts ' Martial arts learned Chuck Norris.

[mistressmeggriffin]

The Grim Reaper is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has open challenge to WWE/TNA/UFC/Boxing Champs no one has come forward

[Maki]

Chuck Norris can play russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and win

Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself on the back

The scientists of the manhattan project were trying to recreate the power of on CNRhK (Chuck Norris roundhouse kick), the result of their experiment was the atomic bomb... they didn't even come close

one time Chuck Norris revived a baby lamb by rubbing his beard against it, then killed it to prove that what Chuck giveth, Chuck taketh away

[Glitterbug2212]

Some kids write their name in the snow with their pee...chuck norris writes his in concrete

[JoeDirty]

chucknorris4.jpg

[Silverballs]

Chuck Norris responded to the Chuck Norris Facts on his official website, chucknorris.com, with a statement. He was generally surprised and flattered by the attention. Admitting some of the statements were indeed humorous, he tries not to take any of them seriously, and he hopes that such statements will interest people in real facts about Chuck Norris contained in his literary works. [2] On October 23, 2006, Chuck Norris' first column for WorldNetDaily consisted of yet another response. It began similarly to the above quote from chucknorris.com, but then disclaimed Norris' own prowess in favor of God and Jesus Christ.
One of the satirical facts made of Norris states that "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." Upon hearing this, Chuck replied:
“ It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures. By the way, without Him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things—and so can you.[3]
” Norris appeared in a 2007 commercial for Mountain Dew where he had his revenge on the two fictional webmasters of a popular site that featured Norris in a humorous light, undoubtedly a reference to the Chuck Norris Facts meme.[4] However, in December 2007, Norris sued when these statements were published in book form by Penguin in November of the same year.[5]


Because I'm THAT literal.

[JD-11]

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer... Too bad he never cries.

[Incubus]

the monsters under his bed were scared of Chuck Norris

[Anonymous Master]

One time, Mr. T blocked one of Chuch Norris' roundhouse kicks. Scientists today are calling this "The Big Bang"

[JezebelinHell]

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it's a Chucktatorship

[bigbob007]

chuck norris once got an erection while laying down he struck oil

[Pwny]

under china there is a stamp that says made by chuck norris

[Glitterbug2212]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

[Ilion]

I've made my point by bumping three other Chuck Norris threads

[Glitterbug2212]

Originally Posted by Ilion

I've made my point by bumping three other Chuck Norris threads

yes...but mine has mroe views and more comments so i win :D ok one has more views and comments...but i still win because this one is mine

[Ilion]

Originally Posted by Glitterbug2212

yes...but mine has mroe views and more comments so i win :D ok one has more views and comments...but i still win because this one is mine

And probably because you have extremely sexy av

[Rockprincess]

Originally Posted by Ilion

I've made my point by bumping three other Chuck Norris threads

Stop already, llion, you're just filling up the first page with all those useless garbage!!!

[Ilion]

Originally Posted by Rockprincess

Stop already, llion, you're just filling up the first page with all those useless garbage!!!

[stonerwithaboner]

Jesus could walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through earth.

Chuck Norris beat the sun at a staring contest.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Scientists recently discovered that hurricane Katrina was not a hurricane at all, Chuck Norris sneezed.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until they give him the information he was looking for.

Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick is the preferred method of execution in 32 states of the U.S.A.

Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands. they are now referred to as "the Islands"

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table of the elements because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris is suing NBC claiming that Law & Order are the names of his right and left legs.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. he waits.

there is no "ctrl" button on Chuck Norris' keyboard, Chuck Norris is always in control.

[Bukkake Bunny]

Originally Posted by Glitterbug2212

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

This is probably my favorite Chuck Norris fact.

[Incubus]

Chuck Norris doesn't feel pain he dishes it out

[x__orion]

When Chuck Norris lost his TV remote, he maintained control of the TV by shouting at it, in between bites of his Fillet of Child sandwich.

[Incubus]

Your existence is totally dependent on Chuck Norris' mood.

[Jack_Napier]

I'm about to go watch an episode or two of Walker, Texas Ranger!


That's a Chuck Norris fact, right?...

[pimp ur mom]

Obama's father is Chuck Norris. Turns out Chuck only has black children...

[pimp ur mom]

• Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
• Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
• Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
• The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
• When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
• Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
• Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
• The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
• Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
• Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
• Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
• Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
• They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
• A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
• Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
• In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
• Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
• "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
• Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
• Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
• In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
• Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
• When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
• Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
• Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
• Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
• Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
• Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
• Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
• Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
• Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
• Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
• For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
• Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
• Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
• Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
• Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
• For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
• There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
• During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
• Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
• Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
• Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
• Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
• Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
• The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
• Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
• Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.
• Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
• Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
• Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
• Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
• If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
• Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
• He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
• Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
• Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
• Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
• Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

[statix]

My personal favourite
There is no theory of evolution, just a long list of creatures chuck norris allows to live

[Incubus]

Chuck Norris is not only smarter than a 5th grader, he kills them for sport.

[The Fur]

Beard tax is not really a tax. It's a tribute to Chuck Norris preventing round house kicks to the face. Those that don't pay, get shaved. With aforementioned roundhouse kick, preventing "repeat offenders".

[ShakeZula]

Originally Posted by pimp ur mom

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

That's one of the funniest one's I've ever seen.

"Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time."

And that one.

-S-

[pimp ur mom]

• What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

[plowboy]

When the bogey man goes to sleep at night , he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

[Incubus]

Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen, oxygen needs Chuck Norris.

[Incubus]

Chuck Norris doesn't own a watch. No watch has the audacity to tell Chuck Norris what time it is.

Chuck Norris knows the meaning of life........you ask him.

Chuck Norris threw a house warming party. They landed 85 miles away.

[Bobzilla34]

Bruce Lee killed Chuck Norris :S

[sexylilempiregirl]

Chuck Norris was born by roundhouse kicking his way out of his mother's uterus