In a competition length is a concern. You have a captive audience you are inflicting the story on. To be fair to all the entries I'll read past the point I'd normally give up. I still think there is a good 8-10k word story in here struggling to get out its buried under 12k of excess verbiage.

In normal circumstances, do whatever your muse tells you. I'm free to ignore it.

​

The last part of the story, once they exit the lab contains some lab reports, but is still a story. The narrator is telling the story of what happened next. That's what my criticism was about, not the lab report excerpts.

​

Yes, and that's my point. Purpose like that does not just arise except in morality tales. The humans did not design it in. There was no chance for evolution to add its, so it can out of nowhere as a plot device. That I see as. Big weakness in the story.

I said, the whole thing is silly, so quibbling about details like that may be pointless. I could accept the rest as internally consistent. That broke me out of the story to think, "that's just silly."

 

For Voting Phase...

Hush....an alias

 

An Epic tale. There are a few mistakes in it. The premises was great, a lot of thought went into it. Certain aspects of it showed off the depravity of corporate greed and add a slightly darker flavour to it. Personally I didn't enjoy the end, it wasn't a feel good end, Kay and Jake escape the clutches of corporate greed and deliver a happy baby onto the world. Nor was it dark , Kay was experimented on till the scientists could no longer find any value in her living body so she was killed and dissected to further the science, all the while Jack was secluded with Cleo 20 forced to watch the rape and degradation of various females as the experiments continued.
Thank you for the time and effort put into entaining us.

 

From the writer --

@1 Toy Maker ;

Well thank you for reading this entry in the rough in that I realize it was a long tough read. As to the ending perhaps it is even more twisted, confused, happy and horrific than you give it credit for, yet all in one.

Happy: Jack and Kay's sexuality was enhanced and diversified significantly. Not only had their minds been opened to new things, they reveled in them, yet most of all discovered that the ultimate aphrodisiac was each other. Plus, a lifetime 8-figure income for just humpin and gruntin ain't too bad

Dark & Horrific: Jack and Kay can now never have a family of their own. Though bred once, she now is like some queen bee never for the balance of her life able to leave the hive. Her sole worth now simply producing, and feeding a continuous string of unseen offspring. Furthermore, she can no longer participate with Jack in the work, now both irrevocably separated from one another in that aspect...All while Jack helps initiate more and more women into the same trap Kay is in.

Worst of all, as the program has expanded so has the lust and greed for more by NERD as they risk more and more. Proof therein being the discovered Echo's.

It may seem moderate, yet only in that the two extremes are part of the whole, though there is really no middle ground or moderation.

Thanks Again!​

 

Wow, thought it was great, no being a writer or critic, so not much to say about structure. That said loved the story, the sex- human&human and cleo human was fantastic! One of the longer stories but I'm a sci-fi fan so enjoyed it immensely. Thanks for your entry--' good luck

 

From the writer --

@mlc101n ;

Well thank you so very much. Hopefully once it is cleaned up and edited somewhat it will be an easier read for both those who enjoy the genre, and maybe even those who don't!​

 

Well, last one read, and one last comment to make before voting.

This story was certainly ambitious. A lot of story, a lot of technical speak, a lot of sex! Wait, let me rephrase that... A LOT OF SEX! Some of it quite strange too. The sexual descriptions were very detailed, in some cases involving CLEO, maybe even too detailed.

We were never really told flat out what CLEO was designed for. The objective of,

products is what I assume was the goal from the beginning, but it is only an assumption. (I could be wrong about this, perhaps it was stated somewhere more clearly). This isn't a problem really, the reader can use their own imagination, but I would have liked to know just a little more about this (evil?) corporation.

I thought this story was good. It took me a few tries before getting all the way through it, but that was more because of a busy schedule than reasons of enjoyment.

I couldn't care less about the science being accurate... You throw a few big words at me, and I will believe just about anything as realistic.

There were some definite grammar and punctuation issues, even I noticed that. A good person to show you those would be @ahorsewithnoname . He has a genuine love of the technical side of writing, and in my opinion, is spot on whith his criticisms.

Great job here! The amount of work you put into this is apparent.

 

From the writer --

@UncleB71 ;

First off thanks for taking the time to read it in that to get a thorough picture of all that was happening it took a lot of description (maybe/maybe-not too much). Libidogenic means "Agents pertaining to the enhancement of the libido, sexual function, sexual capacity, as well as related sex enhancement.".....

In brief, they had stumbled onto a new lifeform experimenting with DREN's offspring's (original movie) genetic material, eventually renamed CLEO-1. CLEO-1 shed a single substance, the white dander from its skin which enhanced sexual drive. 18 versions of it later, CLEO-19 had been tweaked to the point that they could harvest that singular product yet Jack and Kay were there to prove it out.

Now contrary to some folks opinions, as we all realize just because you design a drug or compound it doesn't always work out as planned (Viagra a prime example being a BP drug). If it did none would have side effects. So you can imagine the crap shoot when you're trying to manipulate DNA. If it was so precise, we would no longer have disease, deformities, in fact we'd all be perfect little people.......So just like in the original movie "Splice" CLEO turned out to have a few aspects that had not been designed into it.

More importantly (just like Splice) it evolved as it saw fit to the best of its limitations.....However, just because it could evolve, it could not reproduce. So, "Where there is a Will there is a Way"...."Parasitic Protogyny Propagation" (PW3 ) Parasitic, taking or implanting in a host....Protogyny, shifting from female to male.....Propogation, reproduction.

As to more on NERD Corporation, or the Nucleic Exchange Research and Development Corp. (implanting/altering DNA), I suppose you might want to watch the movie.....In that after all, did you really want this story longer? hehe.

Thanks again!​

 

This is an ambitious entry, and credit to the author for the boldness of this tale. Personally I found it difficult to get into, and a little outlandish in places. It may be that some of the technical errors contributed towards that disengagement but for me I didn't identify with the characters nor visualise the situation. Not only had I not seen the film beforehand, I hadn't even heard of it, so perhaps that was a contributing factor.

There's obviously been a lot of work put into this, so it is a pity that it has some flaws - I'd like to read more by the author though, as there's obviously some good story-telling talent in evidence, it is unfortunate that this one has (for me at least) missed the mark.

 

Just putting this story back near the top.

 

Bump

 

Very interesting. I have been so turned on that I have made some questionable decisions, but to go completely against my nature??? I'm not sure I could be that turned on.

NOW WAIT! I understand that this was brought on by CLEO 19. I am willing to accept that premise, I'm just not sure that sexual feelings could be that much of a motivating factor. I'd just play with myself before letting a stranger, (Not to mention a dog!!!) touch me. Good thing I don't read sci-fi for the "Facts".

Punctuation and grammar! I'm sure by this point you are sick of hearing that! The missing words were more distracting though. If you do not have a proofreader, the best advice that I have gotten is to let the story sit unread for a week or more before doing your final read through. Have you ever noticed that the mistakes jump out more after it has posted?

I see so much potential in your writing!!!(I hope that doesn't come across as condescending.) As a story teller, you're doing great! It is just the technicalities of writing that I see you stumbling with, and that's an easy fix! If you are who I think you are, This will all come with practice. As they say, practice makes perfect.

Thank you so much for your entry!

 

The whole point of the section was to show, rigorously and scientifically, with numbers to back it up, that the nature of the subjects had changed.

Not only was CLEO libidingenic but also psychoactive changing their basic markup. So now being so turned on she contemplates that as a realistic option.

 

From the writer --

Well thank you @JayneyRedd and @Little Miss K for taking the time to read it. As said I'll discuss the "first draft aspects" after the competition. As to the story itself, it was intended to come off as rather dry and more a blunt recounting of notable events to keep in theme with the "Report" aspect of it. In any case, though I didn't expect that it would be everyone's cup of tea (even my own), as I mentioned previously it was more of an attempt to step out of my usual way of telling a story.

In any case, thanks again for taking the time!

Lastly, @tonybs , thank you! Yes that is it, you got it. That was the whole point of that section though more in the regard that when stimulated enough and for a long enough time, their own value sets would become more flexible.

Thanks again all!​

 

I left this story until last because I noticed that it was a "first draft" , the length and because of the comments left. Then I almost went against my nature and nearly skipped it all together !

I'm so glad I didn't !

Now , I've never seen the movie , so had no idea what the concept is , but I picked it up .

I'm not going over the mistakes as they've been done extensively, what I will say is that occasionally the way you phrase your sentences is awkward and they require rereading, (I hate that, unless its to learn something I didn't know and not through grammatical errors etc) as it totally spoils the flow.

I don't know if I buy your reasons for the mistakes on it being a "first draft" , you still should have at least tidied it up better, checked for errors and missing words . Whatever the reason ! Because short of not having the time (which you could have just said, and which would have garnered more leeway, from me at least) , it comes over as lack of care and intetest . Spelling errors have nothing to do with anything barr my stated reason.


Ok now for the story itself .

The trauma they went through at the beginning and the characteristics of Kay reminded me of the reaction a certain friend of mine here would have, regarding the embarrassingly action of being viewed by strangers,

One thing I found concerning was the ease at which , especially Kay descended in to a tit for tat reaction at certain degrading things Jack went through seemingly because of how she viewed his reaction to her (especially in light of their moral and other stats you included regarding their personality traits ). It seemed a little abnormal for an in love married couple . (In my opinion)

I didn't mind the length, I love a long story .

I think the amount of sex was appropriate for the vision of the piece , that was surely what ( mostly) the point of them doing the experiments.

It was fascinating seeing the effects of the dander and how far it pushed them against their emotional and sexual norm . Evident in the attitude of Jack faced with the bound , gimped up woman , his frantic need to have her was palpable.
Your descriptions of the sex and mostly everything was astounding at certain points !
I'm sure some of that white dander wafted here while I was reading it, I was having some very interesting reactions. (I'll leave your imagination to fill in the reason I took a break so far through )


I think things designed the way of CLEO are destined to supercede what we invent and "allow " them to do. I'm not up with the intricasies and technology but it wouldnt surprise me what happens in the future.

Yes there were parts that should be condensed , and a lot of the came toward the end with the reports , not as exciting as the rest but still necessary . Those board meetings are never very exciting, unless you're a share holder , and things are going well !

I didn't like how at the end they were more or less only pieces of equipment, albeit in human form. Though it was an unexpected end. I'd thought they'd escape too and have a happy ending . All they were reduced to was sex and the propogation (obviously) of sex and naughty evil little eggs.

Does the loosening of your morals enhance things? , does doing and enjoying things outside of our own personal persuasion , predilection and pervue, and mean you enjoy sex more ? Or make you more fulfilled ? The outcome leads me to believe no, especially in this case ! Though that's just my view. And the moral for me - Money (and doing anything for it) isn't everything , some things are much more important.

I'm so glad I didn't skip this, the story is fascinating, richly described , and memorable . It took , me through a myriad of emotions, lust , disdain, bewilderment , awe, sadness , fear and did I say lust

Thanks for the story, I was disappointed with the condition of the work you submitted (especially as I'm sure the other entrants spent a lot of time polishing up theres) but, I loved the story , your descriptions and the fact that this was out of your comfort zone and still excellent, excites me for your future work .

Please give us a perfect (as possible) polished story next time , and if you can't then maybe you should enter something else that is . I understand, you said you don't enter to win but that shouldnt have a bearing on how the work is presented, in my opinion , as a reader .

Thanks for the effort and good luck, you can write ! Luvs xx

 

So, let the "First Draft" excuses begin!

The Short version is @ahorsewithnoname ;
I actually never write for these things due to time constraints. Though I have all the time in the world, my days are rather fractured and chaotic so I tend to get little time to sit down and concentrate for any extended period. In any case, seeing WSF was getting few responses, I sat down and hammered out "Of Half Breed Prey" in roughly 30 hours, and a quick reread had me to 50. That was on 12/16.

With so much time left, I thought why not write another totally out of my realm of knowledge and even taste, and for fun decided to try and write it to be in a different style than my typical writing. Plus I figured it would clear my mind of HBP so I could view it fresh. With that on 12/18 I began writing PW3, and by 12/23 had finished it in its rough form......Then I let things sit, holidays and such.

Roughly 01/14 I revisited HBP and totally changed the premise (it was initially Kay blundering into and slyly getting out of situations), and since WSF had received no entries, to get the ball rolling I had re-written it and submitted it 01/16 being the first entry.....Some personal stuff, and with few entries having been submitted I did a quick re-read of PW3 and submitted it on 01/23 being the sixth entry, having no intention of submitting it yet figuring WSF needed the support.

With seven days left, I re-read through HBP trying to clean it up to as best I could, and by 01/30 re-submitted it, and by then frankly I was just too mentally whipped to go through PW3 in a day, so just let it ride as an experiment in writing styles.........Between the two of them, that's a bit of work, and my brain hurt hehe.

Long Version Amendment:

For me to edit any work literally takes me months. I've tried the route of having others do so, and in short order they begin interjecting their opinions, tastes and slants to such a degree that the last time I did so it wasn't even close to the same story (and in fact the person posted it as their own using my work as the basis).

So I do the re-reading, give it time to read fresh, read it aloud to others, and will do so numerous times, setting it down and coming back to it.....What is perhaps my most polished work would be "Cumming to a Theater Near You" in my signature. That novella I suspect is about as good as I'll ever be able to get anything.....and I'm okay with that due to the following.

Some of you may know, most likely not that I have never had any formal education, and was illiterate to an extreme degree until 32+ years old. Worse than that, until 30 I never watched TV, listened to a radio, opened a book or even magazine...In fact I was about as detached from typical society as one could be. So all of my knowledge of anything non-sexual was acquired in just the last 20 years (now 51).

More so, though English is my first language being born in the U.S., I didn't speak until roughly 11 years old except for a few extremely vulgar phrases I'd repeat/mimic, I'd mimic sounds of animals and machinery, yet most of all I had my own brand of pidgin I had made up.....Until roughly 20, unless speaking in explicit sexual terms that personal brand of pidgin was expanded with Filipino, Cantonese, Thai, a few central African dialects, Portuguese, Native Amazonian, German, French and Spanish....However most of that was slang, and in the end I even mish-mashed up the words making my own. From 24 on my English vocabulary expanded just enough to be able to work in my profession-ret..

The point of that is, learning to read, write and about society so late in life "I believe" gave me an advantage. We all think in our youth is the time to learn, yet I feel a younger person's attentions are too scattered. So for me the writing part was easy, that new part of my knowledge seemingly detached from the past.

Reading is slightly different in that I must sometimes translate it into my own language to get the gist of it....In any case, how that relates to editing work is that often things get lost in the translation. My own pidgin when spoken actually does skip words, they're simply taken for granted. So when I edit my writing, those missing words look normal to me in that my mind automatically interjects them.

Finally, when I read it aloud to someone, trying to speak in English is a slow taxing process for those listening. A simple sentence takes me a while, and worse still often when I'm saying the words, they make no sense to me. So Kathy my 'by lifestyle choice' slave whom I taught to speak my language is the one who most often listens in that I can then discuss errors with her in my own unique language.

By a vast margin I still speak my own language, and Kathy translates for others. Reading is a confused mix of both, yet Writing is purely in English (and my mind sees and relates to each form in the same way).

So to write then edit one short piece, OHBP, even though still rough is a taxing affair.....Two however, especially one that I tried to distance myself from my comfort zone so much, simply didn't have the time I require.....I don't expect either to be polished to even my minimal level within months, and I'll be doing other things to distance myself so they seem new to me.

Hope that explains it

Hush....an alias

 

Bump...