I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister

 

My mate had a zipper factory. I asked how things were, he said,"up and down! "

 

I ate a ploughmans lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy about it.

 

Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
A: A teapot.

 

What's long, brown and sticky?
A Stick.

Baldrick (Blackadder)

 

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares. he's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

 

I went to the doctor's and said, "I can't stop singing, the green, green grass of home!"

Doctor said, "you've got Tom Jones syndrome! "

I asked, "is that common?"

He replied, "It's not unusual! "

 

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland just to see what their army can do with those little red knives

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student
nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me.
Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and
heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and
his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong
with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her,
and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

Growing old is compulsory.

Growing up is optional.

 

When the inventor of the drawing board fucked things up. What did he go back to?

 

A Pennsylvania State Trooper stopped me. "License, registration, and proof of insurance, please," he barked.

"I know how this works," I said. "Next you're going to ask me to contribute to the Policeman's Ball."

"Sir, city police forces may have balls, but State Troopers do not."

His words hung in the air for a moment. Then he handed back my papers, got in his car, and drove away.

 

A guy flashed two old ladies in the park.

One had a stroke. The other one couldn't reach.

 

Back in November, shortly after the Paris massacres, a state of emergency was declared in Bruxelles. A major terrorist plot was prevented when a Johnny Hallyday concert was cancelled.

 

My friend recently got run over by a steam roller.

I saw her yesterday. I said hi maureen why the long face?

 

I slipped on an icy pavement and a lady asked me "did you fall?"
"No, I was just trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket," I replied.

Chic Murray.

 

I tried that water polo recently.

But my horse drowned.

*disclaimer* no horses were harmed during the making of this gag.

 

Shooter isn't sure why he did this.
I mean, cleaning the floor doesn't require a costume.

 

On that cool crisp evening, I lay back on the soft ground and looked up at God's miracle of splendour and beauty, a billion bright stars on that perfect black canvas and I thought, 'Where the fuck is my tent?'

 

Did you ever wonder WHY people talk about the number of angels who could dance on the head of a pin?