If a tree falls in a forest, and no woman is there to hear, is a man still wrong if he expresses his opinion about it?

 

Boy: Hey... look at your keyboard see where it says U and I

Girl: Aww! That's soo sweet! What about it?

Boy: Now look under it.

 

I'm super lazy today, which is kind of like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

 

Why is it that in girl tampons commercials they're always laughing and dancing? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws & burning shit down?

 

Dear face wash commercials, nobody actually splashes their faces with water like that. Honestly, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.

 

When I serve breakfast in bed, all I ask for is a simple 'Thank you!'

I don't want to hear all this "How did you get in my house?" nonsense!!!

 

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

 

If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times does he become disoriented?

 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose

 

Speaking of commercials. do women really orgasm when they use a certain brand of shampoo? Do men actually get swarmed when they use some body sprays? And now that Billy Mays is dead, what are we supposed to watch on late-night TV? How will the world remove stains?

 

I asked my dad where rain came from and he said it was God's tears. When I asked why God was crying, he said, "It's probably something YOU did!"

 

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

 

I got pulled over by the police and the cop asked if I could identify myself. I looked in the mirror and said, "Yes, it's me! "

 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

Who was the cruel person who put the "s" in lisp?

 

And which bastard coined the word dyslexia???

 

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

 

Not funny, not funny at all.
Just went through something similar.
Mind you, waking up to someones lips wrapped around your member is rather glorious,
how the hell did she get in here is just a tad unnerving.
And then there's the who are you element.
Oops, sorry, dreaming again.
I think I should go back to sleep now.

 

Damn, that's one cruel dream.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa