Or the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac??

Stayed up all night, wondering whether there really is a Dog!

 

Nothing is ever on fire, fire is on things.

 

Money really does talk.


It's favorite word is "Goodbye".

 

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

Fact: everyone has an asshole. However, some people seem to be nothingelse.

 

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.

 

Someone must have been really impressed with my driving today, I returned to my car to see a note under the wiper, it said "PARKING FINE!"

 

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

 

In the world of ballet something occurred to me. Instead of making the dancers perform on there tiptoes why not just employ taller dancers...

 

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

 

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

 

"hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia": is the fear of long words. Rather aptly named, no?

There is even a hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia song:

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
Means that my verbosity might cause you melancholia
I'll attempt to keep to brevity that might console ya
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

(Speak an affirmative, if you say aye
speak an affirmative, if you say aye)

My tendency to vacillate when I was but a lad
Made my patriarch pontificate that I was bad
His punitative measures were so physically cruel
For my vocabulary had rebelled against his rule

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
Made my father metamorphose into a great ogre
He paddled on my derriere from May until October
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

(Lost effervescency, made rather shy
lost effervescency, made rather shy)

I flew from Great Britannia and I found Tajikistan
To cogitate and contemplate; accumulate a tan
The peoples there indigenous would listen to me talk
They'd stay there temporarily then have to take a walk

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
I diagnosed afflictions from New Zealand to Mongolia
You say "Salutations" and they just don't want to know ya
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

(Never belligerent, that I deny
never belligerent, that I deny)

So if a feline quadruped has grappled on your tongue
Be not apprehensive when you hear a word so long
Greet with jubilation every lengthy word you hear
For quantitatively rich words are nothing you should fear

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
Even when intoxicated makes one rather sober
Why trust the diminutive when it's so mediocre?
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia!

 

When in doubt, mumble.

 

That awkward moment when you think you're going to do a silent fart, and it comes out like a machine gun.

 

Learn from the past. Live for today. Look forward to tomorrow. Take plenty of naps.

 

All i had was white boxers to swim in. So i dove in with confidence. After surfacing i realized the girls i wanted to see had left during my confiden dive, and the replacement? My grandmas friends were waiting for me to get out, stairing while pouring drinks, walking backwards to the patio door so as not to miss anything :/. Mosy awkward 6 hours ever. I was prunny neefless to say when the girls got back. DAMN!!