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yep

 

Bumped

 

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Bumped again

 

bump and grind

 

Bounce.

 

Bump

 

Well I certainly enjoy reading new work, and I really enjoy reading new work that was well written. I must say that there were times I didn't think the characters didn't seem real but I am glad I wasn't the only one that thought that. However it only happen a few times and didn't distract me too much. Very well done and good luck.

 

Well, first things first, congratulations on your inaugural story. Feels good to be really sharing your creative output with people, doesn't it? I hope you keep it up, it can be very rewarding.

Things I liked about the story: The UAE was a really great choice, an exotic locale that for some reason runs below most people's radar. It offers a lot of opportunity for intrigue and romance (in both the modern and the 17th century definition of the word, ie unlikely adventure) in a contemporary setting. I was at first a little critical of the depiction of the culture (which I don't think is quite so medieval these days), but then I decided, hell, it's a fantasy, it's obviously meant to subvert our realistic expectations and create a kind of half-fairy tale world that's about 70% believable, and I like that it does that.

Criticisms: There are a few fundamental rules about sentence structure and paragraph building that you need to brush up on. Nothing devastating, but it's noticeable. In terms of story structure, I'd say your big problem is that you kind of jettison the conflict before its time. In the beginning you set the Sultan up as a somewhat morally ambiguous figure; charming, but seemingly up to no good, and the heroine falls for him spite of herself but can't really feel confident trusting him. All of which is great. But then that's all washed away with a single line:

''You have been grossly misinformed, my dear. Your uncle GAVE you to me, as a gift for investing in his company. I would never try to buy you, let alone kidnap you! He told me you agreed with him about the arrangement...''

Boom: conflict over. All that wonderful tension you built up is erased instantly. And from this point on, the story really has no particular conflict at all; everything progresses very amiably and there's not much in the way of surprises. Of course, there's still some dramatic tension because naturally we're waiting for the wedding night and the big moment between our couple, and that's fine, but it seems like a waste of everything you built up before. I did like that the Sultan turns out not to be the dastardly Arab misogynist we suspect him of being in the beginning, but it would have been valuable to hold that reveal until closer to the end.

In any case, like I said, congrats on the story, and I hope you keep it up. Wouldn't mind reading more of your stuff.

 

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Pmub

 

leap leap leap to my looo...

 

Interesting

We debated back and forth about some of the abrupt changes in people's character or apparent viewpoint. You pulled it together very well, explaining enough to make it all work, which was very good.

You said this was your first posted story, which is pretty exciting. This is excellent first work. A little proofing and editing wouldn't hurt, but still an excellent entry.

Please entertain us some more.

 

bounce

 

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ditto

 

Others have weighed in on the minor gap in the story arc, which, honestly, I didn't notice too much the first time I read it.

That was because I was caught up in the detail you put into this. Sometimes, detail can seem to be there for detail's sake, almost as filler. I've done it myself often enough to know it when I see it. That wasn't the case here at all. The narrative passages allowed me to see the settings and actions very clearly, something that is hard to do.

I wrote before about the henna ceremony and the wedding night scene. These two bits were especially well-crafted, and again, it was the details that did it.

Good luck with this. You deserve a lot of votes.

 

:rose:bounce with style.:rose: