So I have a friend. She is a female, hence the 'she'. I've known her for... 9 years. She's been married to a douchebag for around 5 of those years.

Need proof that he's a douchebag? About half a year ago he gets a call at work, he works with me (when he actually decides to work). His wife has just had a miscarriage and is at the hospital. Douchebag doesn't seem all that concerned and when he doesn't tell the boss he's leaving work the boss tells him it's ok for him to leave early. Douchebag says there's no point in him leaving work and goes on about his day.

I told my boss I was going to go see my friend. And I was the one who sat by her bedside. You can imagine for yourself how she felt. Being comforted about something like that by a male friend instead of her husband. They kept her overnight and she called me and asked me if I could take her home because Douchebag was drunk when she tried calling him.

We get her signed out and home and there's Douchebag drunk as shit sitting on the couch. He sees me and starts with the "what the fuck are you doing with my wife?" I told him "his job". He shouted at me incoherantly, took a swing at me, and I knocked him the fuck out. I'll admit I enjoyed knocking him out.

So my friend had had enough of his crap but she didn't have any family so I let her move into one of my spare rooms. Still no sex going on between us.

She filed for divorce. He stopped coming to work. Then out of the blue, today, he comes to work and calls me a home wrecker, an asshole, and other shit. I threw him out of the building and called the cops.

With the cops there I explained the situation to them. I got the feeling they didn't believe me when I said I wasn't involved with her sexually and that we were just friends. But it didn't matter because he apparently had a shitload of warrants out on him and will be spending a nice chunk of time in prison.

So I get home and tell my friend about it. She takes her soon-to-be-ex-husband going to prison without surprise. And then she tells me that every one of our friends think we are fucking. I know we are close to each other and we're both naturally flirtatious, especially when we are around each other. But that's just our personalities.

It's weird that people still don't get the fact that a man and a woman can be close friends without involving sex. Course, we did just finish fucking each other so maybe there's something to that theory. But you have to admit that 9 years of holding back on those urges wasn't too bad of an effort. No regrets, other than not fucking her 9 years ago.

Ya'll have fun now ya hear, I've got lost time to make up.

 

He can call you whatever the hell he wants, but it sounds like you really helped her out in the long run. Sometimes women get caught up in a bad relationship that they can't see any way out of.

And, it sounds like shit that no one understands a friendly relationship. It is, of course, suspicious for two people to be living together and not getting it on. Maybe they were hoping you two would?

Either way it sounds like you have nothing to worry about, especially what someone else thinks.

 

here's a pat on the back for a job well done thier isn't many people like that in this world anymore so your thanks for doing and stepping up to the plate was her and keep her ,hold her and don't let anything happen she was sent to you for a reason wish you two the best of luck and have fun doing what you've wanted for the last 9 yrs.good job partner.

 

Anyone else sense a touch of arrogance?

 

Your comment was uncalled for Pericles, but too typical of many of yours.

I lived with a woman 23 years my junior on and off for 11 years, we never had sex, and she is today my most loved friend I ever had.

 

OMG Z... I say no more than a sentence and you are immediately critical of me. The man posted this delightful little epic about the glorious hero vs the bad guy so that we could offer an opinion. I gave mine.

There's two sides to every story. We don't know what compels the husband to behave the way he does. We don't know the wife's story and how much responsibility she bears for the marriage falling apart. All we have is this man's word and all he's really told us is he's fucking someone else's wife right now. He obviously wants the forum to pat him on the back and tell him he's a great guy.

You can carry on telling him he's a rock star. He's not getting it from me.

 

There is always sex involved when a man and woman are "friends". If not, he's gay. Do you think a straight man would hang around with a woman for any other reason:excited:

 

Blue balls. Some men really like blue balls.

Say what you want, but unfortuantely as nice as the story is, Pericles is right, there are two sides two a story. However, I tend to believe the goodness in people, so the more power to you Ryan.

 

This is all too much drama for me to handle.

Hope everything works out okay, man.

 

It is just your usual cynical mind at work, however, all stories about heroic acts in the first person should be suspect and I agree with you a bit on this one as well.. There are indeed two sides to every story and it seems that this guy was waiting on the sidelines for nine years. He appears to me much more the vulture than hero.

 

Yes you are

Yes your a home wrecker, but from what you say that home deserved to be wrecked. Its nice to hear when somebody steps up and has the BALLs to do it. (Sorry couldn't resist that pun):excited:

 

Ryan states:
"It's weird that people still don't get the fact that a man and a woman can be close friends without involving sex. Course, we did just finish fucking each other so maybe there's something to that theory. "

What point are you trying to make?

 

i think it is a nice story.
note:mods plz move this to stories section.

 

I understand why people are saying that you have to be suspect when someone says, "Behold my great deeds, and praise me!" But I really didn't get that from Ryan. I didn't hear him say "I'm a hero", he simply seemed to be describing himself as a good friend to the woman, something that I'll point out a spouse is supposed to be as well...

Did I detect arrogance? Oh yeah, loads of it. On the part of the Douche-bag soon-to-be-ex. The arrogance of believing that you can take your partner for granted, and expect her to still be around waiting for more when your head clears from your latest binge of drunkeness. I've known way too many people like Douchebag to have anything but contempt for them: he's crawling into a bottle when he should be walking to the hospital, and then gets angry with the friend for being supportive? "What are you doing with my wife?" That kind of possessiveness and aggressive jealousy only ever comes from one place: control. The translation is "what are you doing with my property?" Thats all just bullshit. And the odds that hes abusive to her on some level as well are pretty high, if he's an alcoholic (I don't know that he is, but he sounds like one). I know theres two sides to every story, but what could he possibly say to justify his behavior? What could she have possibly done to "deserve it" in his eyes? And frankly, if there were a number of warrants out for him as Ryan describes, why on earth would you want to defend this guy?

So he's out of the picture, she's moving on, and I say more power to her.
People who want to criticize Ryan at this point because he's "fucking another man's wife"...well that sounds entirely too similar to the point of view that the husband seemed to hold...that she's his possession, and unable to make her own choices. Granted, she doesn't have that divorce decree yet, but thats only
a peice of paper. Its not a marriage license or a ceremony that really makes you married, if you don't already have a connection in your hearts. And clearly, she has divorced herself from him. (You know, in some cultures, the only thing a person needs to do is say aloud that they're ending their marriage in front of witnesses.)

See, I don't really think that Ryan came here to bragg, and have us all tell him how great he is. I think on some level, a level he might not even be aware of, that title of "home-wrecker" may have stung a bit. And he's looking for our
reassurance maybe. Well, here's mine: Ryan, in order to wreck a home, a home has to exist. Your friend and her "husband" may have lived in the same dwelling, but it fell short of a home. A home is where you can be yourself, and have a sanctuary. She didn't have a home with him, at least not anymore.

I see nothing wrong at this point with Ryan and his friend becoming more.
My only concern for him, is that he makes sure that she is actually attracted to him, and not acting out of some sense of gratitude.

On the secondary subject of this post, can men and women be friends (without bennefits?) Oh hell yeah! Assuming that we human beings are more than sexual creatures and don't have to fuck everything that moves. I have had many female friends in my life that I liked a lot, who I found very interesting, but who simply didn't appeal to me in that way. See, you can be "attracted" to someone on an intellectual level...feel they have a fascinating mind, and spend hours talking to them, without feeling that sexual chemistry. I don't know, maybe thats a female characteristic on my part, but I don't automatically want to bone every woman I meet who will give me the time of day.

The closest friendship I ever had was with a woman, and we formed a mental and emotional "connection" between us that was incredibly powerful. And which still is. We've told each other for years that we love each other, and its the truth. For some reason, because of her gender, I could get closer to her than to my male friends...does that make sense? It would have seemed maybe too homo-erotic with them. But she and I met when we were just kids, and we
can be really close physically with it being just affection. Its different with her.
Almost like we're brother and sister maybe? (I don't know I was an only child)
Anyway, lovers, spouses have come and gone, and that connection remains.
We both know that there is this one person who will always be there.

 

It's not a story, it's an explanation and he's asking for advice. Way to miss the point.

 

Umm, I'll be the first to tell you I'm not a hero. I'm just as flawed as everyone else. Is what I did right? I don't know. Maybe there were things I could have done better from the beginning.

Maybe I could have told her the rumors, from highschool, about her then fiance when she told me who he was. I didn't, I held my tongue and let her marry a guy who rumor had it was at the very least emotionally abusive. Maybe I could have said "I do" when the preacher asked "if anyone knew why these two should not be married". I didn't, I let a very dear friend have the wedding she'd always wanted. Maybe I could have done more for him than just getting him a job. I didn't. Maybe I could have tried getting them counseling. Maybe I could have gotten him into AA. I didn't.

But my failings don't dismiss the Douchebag from his own responsibilities of being a doucebag. He's an asshole. He's always been an asshole. It's in his nature to be an asshole. The hospital/miscarriage event was one of many examples I could fill this thread with demonstrating his douchebaginess. There was the pawning of her grandmothers wedding ring to buy booze incident. I paid to get it back, because he didn't realize that the price reverts to the actual value after a certain amount of time. There were the multiple spending of the utilities/rent money at a strip club. The list could go on but why bother. Why does the Douchebag act like a douchebag? I don't know. I also don't really care.

What did she do during the marriage? She tried to get him into counseling. She put up with his crap for years. She quit school so she could get a job to pay bills that if he hadn't drunk it away his salary would have more than paid for. Three and a half years of a five year marriage of the above.

But hey, it's just one side of the story. Maybe he had a good reason for the crap he did. If you can think of it let me know.

 

For what it's worth, Ryan, I think you did the right thing. A lot of other people might have tried to help but not to the extent you did. Like you said, could you have done something earlier to prevent this mess from happening in the first place? Probaby, but at least you did something, which is more than the douchebag husband did.

I applaud your actions.

 

Based on all you have said, of coarse there isn't a good reason. I have never been able to understand people like that myself. And there is nothing wrong with you taking her side and helping her out. But I am curious as to why she married him in the first place, I doubt it is likely that you are the only person that knew about him and his past.

 

hahahahaha...good one, and ultimately true.

 

I think it was a combination of a lot of things.

One, at that point his true nature was just rumors.

Two, around her he was "perfect". And for a while after they were married he was a "good" guy. Then things got worse slowly over time. Sorta that whole "if you drop a frog in boiling water it'll jump out but if you slowly turn up the heat it'll let itself be cooked".

Three, her father was mildly abusive to her mom. Little nasty comments here and there and she grew up thinking that was normal. So when he started that stuff she didn't read the signs.

She stayed because she believes in marriage. She took her vows seriously. And she thought she owed it to herself and the man she married to try and make it work. The hospital incident was the 2x4 that broke the camel's back.