I wrote this in response to a poster asking where to find the clitoris. Based on the response I received, I have decided to create a thread with this "dissertation" as a guide for all who desire knowledge.​

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The Clitoris and You​

Or​

Hunting for the Mysterious and Delicious Clitoris​

Or even​

Where to find the yummy and nutritious Clitoris​

By
An Epicurean​

A forward.
(Special thanks to Pikeman and TheElite for their contributions)
The clitoris is a small Australasian mammal. Nocturnal in nature, it is known for it's tendency to hide from male humans.
Men are notorious for not being able to find clitoris'. (1) As well, the Clitoris is rumoured to often shroud itself in a hood of sorts, in order to remain undetected. (2)​

The Clitoris and You, A Guide to Finding and Eating this lovely delicacy​

Part I​

The clitoris is a small, rather fleshy creature that is perhaps the most easy to find of all the fine delicacies of the pampered palate. While I won't give myself the fancy title of the Gourmet, I certainly think of myself as a Gourmand of the finest dishes one can find. Caviar, figs, human brains (thanks to Dr. H for recommending that one!). All delicious things reserved for but only the finest tongues that can distinguish the subtlest flavors and overtures of these fine things. There is but one tiny creature that not many have eaten, or indeed even know exist. This dear reader, is the Clitoris. A nocturnal creature by habit, many expert epicureans can coax it from its hiding place so they can enjoy this most wonderful, flavorful delicacy.
The first thing you need to understand dear reader is that the Clitoris is actually a cosmopolitan species. You can find it very nearly everywhere, in nearly every environment, all the way from the frozen wastes of the High North, down through the densely populated cities, from the barren desert (consider yourself lucky if you find one there, as they can be quite rare!) to the neighbors house right next to you. You just need to know where to look!
The first thing you need to know is that all clitorides can be found near the entrance of certain caves. These caves will typically be found in warm, moist environments. Sometimes the cave will be hidden by a field of dense growth and other times the cave will be found on a bare landscape, free of any obstructions. Some prefer the natural beauty of a clitoris surrounded by these soft almost gossamer like vegetation, and others prefer an unobstructed view. I myself prefer the latter but I am not above doing a little trailblazing if I have to.
A clitoris typically makes its home above the entrance to the cavern. Just above the cave, really. That may be why some have such a hard time finding one, they're busy looking in the cave. So you're hiking around the entrance to the cave now... Where is that darned clitoris now, I'm starting to get hungry...?
Clitorides like to be comfortable. Very comfortable. They're homebodies you see. They rarely leave their house, and when they do, they typically will only take a quick peek to see what's going on outside before going back in and slipping back into hibernation, forever. What does the house of the clitoris look like anyways? Do I have to go house hunting now? It better not be a mansion, I always get lost in those...
The house that a clitoris will be living in is a small, cozy little tent. Hood shaped really, like a bit of folded cloth to keep the cold out. This hood will always be found near the northward entrance of a valley, with the hood facing south and the clitoris generally sitting facing the south. Clitorides like to keep the sun away you see, and south happens to get the least amount of sunlight. The clitoris might have some kind of magnetic alignment to keep it in a north south direction, like a pigeon or something, I don't know.
The valley the clitoris makes its home in will be found in the deep south. South of several key landmarks. If we start directly from the clitoral hood, we hike for a few minutes and come out of the damp valley and happen upon a wide, barren field. A dry desert with little vegetation and normally only three key landmarks to keep your bearings with. It's not much, and if you're unlucky, or just plain stupid, you might die. Painfully, I might add.
The first landmark you need to look for is found directly north of the valley. You may be able to see this marker upon venturing from the valley, perhaps not. Continue hiking north, you may notice a slight sloping to the environment, this is normal, soldier on! No you can't take a nap! You'll die if you fall asleep out here! Get back up! That's it I'm leaving you here!
Sigh... Hiking buddies can be such parasites sometimes.​

At some point, you're going to happen upon a crater, formed in a very early age during the formation of this land. It scars the earth as proof of the sudden violent force which bore this beautiful world into existence. The crater may have some convolutions at the very bottom but not much else. It's best to avoid that place for now. Walking around the crater and heading north still, you will eventually happen upon a vista from which you can see two gigantic mountainous structures. These will dominate the horizon and guide your journey the rest of the way. If you ever decide to scale the massive globes, hell, if you even manage to reach the damnded peak of one of those succulent monstrosities, you may be delighted to know that the earth may respond to your attention being given to it with much pleasure. It is important to keep this landscape happy, if you ever want the chance to see it again.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------​

More about the Clitoris​

Be watchful of the false clitoris! These are fake imitations that do not taste as good as the real thing! You can usually spot a fake when you see that it will be spelled with a "K" instead of a "C". Klitoris is cheap and nasty stuff, it is to clitorides what pruno is to the finest liqueurs.​

It is possible to rent a clitoris for a few brief moments, but you may want to invest in proper protective gear. I suggest wearing a basic suit made of either latex rubber or some similiar membranous material. I really suggest you don't go for a rental. Fresh clitoris is so much better.​

Clitorides come in all sorts of shapes and sizes! There are thin one and fat ones, short ones and long ones. Some have a tiny head, others with a big swollen head. And others still will happily greet you by standing up a little bit, while others may just come outside while you're visiting and enjoy your company. Isn't it wonderful!​

Flavor. Every clitoris has a unique flavor, not a single one will be exactly the same as the other one. Some have a sweet light fruity flavor, like champaign, while others have a heavy thick taste that is hearty and warming to ones soul. Each one is delicous, with its own virtues, each note of flavor a symphony to the heart. I am truly blessed to have had the chance to quench my thirst from their many endless springs, and I hope you will too.​

One Last Thing!​

Sometimes, you may find that the clitoris will reject your attention. Don't worry, it almost certainly is not rejecting you. Clitorides are very, very sensitive beings. They can become so overwhelmed by the love you are giving them that it they get so hot they start to burn a bit. Back off when made aware of this! Take some time exploring the valley it resides in, maybe go inside and check out the cavern the hood sits above. In time, the clitoris may call back to you for more attention, and that's when you go back for more!​

Good luck and Happy Trails!!!​

- Silver Wolf​

1. Pikeman, XNXX poster. Nov. 11 2008 2:51 PM
2. TheElite, XNXX poster. Nov. 11, 2008 2:53 PM​

 

Good to know all those facts. I am going to put up a road sign to my clit so guys can find it. It really likes attention. And after it gets attention, she will stant to attention.

 

this is awesome :mrgreen:

 

View attachment ​

 

Just knew you'd love it!

:excited:

 

Ooh, nice flower, Orph.

 

I'll be writing Part II soon, I just need to get all my hiking gear ready. I'm heading back to the valley and will be exploring the system of caverns that lie in towards the south end of the valley. I heard about this rumor that there is a cave entrance at the very southern tip of the world. Last time I was there all I saw was a some kind of depression in the earth, but I wasn't sure about it so left that area unexplored.

 

I've heard tale of great treasures found upon entering such a cavern. But be warned that many of these caverns are dark and extremely tight spaces, hard for even the experienced to venture into. It will drain your stamina very quickly while you navigate throughout it.

That's if you believe in such tales.

 

Aaaaaaand, if you've found the clit, maybe you think you're not so great at oral. If that's the case, first I'd stress having confidence. But, if you're interested in learning some more techniques, I'd suggest looking at this long dead thread:

Clitoral Kiss:A Fun Guide to Oral Sex

 

Thank you for calling attention to this neglected, endangered and practically extinct species. For years now, it has lurked sadly and quietly in its ecological niche, while scientists and explorers diverted their attention exclusively to the G-Spot. It's about time that the beautiful clitoris gained some much needed appreciation.

 

Not in the Northern Hemisphere.

 

Huh, but I thought... Well, I guess you would know, I'm not a geologist. Thanks, Iggy.

Let's just say that the region I'm exploring has a unique orientation to the sun that relates to the axis of the planet. The region doesn't get much sunlight, but each planet is different. The planet I'm exploring has a very, very dark surface, but I have had the opportunity to survey other worlds with lighter surfaces. The amount of light the southern reigon of each world is exposed to varies greatly. It's so exciting to get the opportunity to survey a new unexplored world.

I'll be writing Part II, The Journey to Genesis, soon but things in the real world are keeping me occupied.

Life gets in the way sometimes.

lol

 

Just gonna give this one a bump. Don't want it retired to the abyss...

 

Aha. I've got you. You were speaking figuratively and I read this literally! (Damn my logical-mathematical thinking brain!)

 

Since there seems to be a flood of how to guides in the forum recently, I thought I'd give this classic a bump for any new readers.

 

EPIC!

 

I agree, it's so epic. I'm looking forward to part two. :mrgreen:

 

Um... This is directed to my... I suppose I'd call you my fans, or something.

Due to unforeseen events, there probably won't be a part 2 for a long time.

 

Couldn't you just draw us a diagram, or point it out on a picture?

 

Hey

===================
How many girls need a road map to the most pleasurable part of her body? Geeze lets make a map for the guys so they can find their dick...HAhA :excited: