All

First time poster, long time viewer.....great site.

Not trying to be redundant, as I have searched old posts relating to this, but I would like your opinion on this. My wife not only has no libido but she does not orgasm. At one point, she did both, but that has been a while (2 kids later I am sure has something to do with it). Anyway, I have suggested and have now laid it on the line to her about seeing a doctor to diagnose any physical issues which may present. [Note: I love her and will not cheat on her - will try to work out all issues first prior to making any harsh decisions.] She finally has an appointment set. So, just wondering your opinion - is this common with women in their late 30's, with women after kids, or what? I do not think their are any issues which require counseling (but then again, I am not a counselor - just guessing on this). If anything, I am thinking it is a physical issue related to age/having kids.

If anybody else has gone through this or has opinions, that would be great.

Thanks.....




Stomper

 

Well.. My suggestions:

Do romantic things. surprise her maybe with a candle light dinner or something you prepared, or did with your heart. Try to re-spark feelings that got you two in the mood a while ago.

Also, I just read an article recently. Though it's meant for guys, you could always try something like viagra for her. Since the pill works on pumping more blood to the genitals, that could work due to the fact that arousal in both men and women is caused by an increased blood flow to those areas, according to the article I read at least. Also, the same article said that testosterone patches have improved sexual desire in women twice as much as those who took a placebo patch instead.

But I believe it may be somewhat of a self image thing in a way, or maybe a mental thing. Which is why I'd especially enforce the idea of at least complimenting her on her looks, letting her know how much of a turn on she still is for you, and things like that.

 

Firstly, great post Casa, and I'm very much in agreement with you.

I also think you've done the right thing Stomp, in suggesting she see a doctor. At the very least, it'll rule out any underlying physical problems that might be affecting her sex drive.

Now, you mention you have 2 kids... I'd be looking there as to at least part of the problem. You don't say if she works or how old they are, but looking after kids is a full time occupation in itself, and can really mentally and physically wear out someone. It might well be, she's so busy being a wife and mother that she has very little time for herself - something women, especially mothers are very prone to doing - and feels unsexy and undesirable, as a result. (I admit, without knowing more about your life, that's purely speculation at this point, though. )

I'd certainly take Casa's advice about adding a little romance into things, if you haven't already. Failing that, I'd suggest trying different things, sexually. Such as taking orgasm out of the equation, and focussing entirely on sensual touching, kissing and so on. Try giving her a massage and invest in something like massage oils, or even a little body lotion - and massage her purely for it's own sake. You could even invite her to return the compliment!

Taking the pressure off both of you, and forgetting about sex, will allow you both to rediscover the simple pleasure of human-to-human contact. Why not take a day or two away someplace - minus the kids - and just spend time with each other, enjoying each others company, and relaxing?

I can see you're obviously a caring man, who wants his wife to have a happy, healthy sex life. Hopefully, between the people here, and your doctor, we can help you both find it again.

(And please, do keep us posted as to how things are going - I'd love to think this turns out happily!)

Bye for now - Fluffy McNoo.

 

+1
follow what Casa said
he always has really great advice.


ack! Edit: Fluffy cut the line but follow his too. you seriously have everything you need from the above 2 posters alone. go guys (and pups) go!

 

Both posts are full of great advice!

How does your wife feel about that all? Does she feel like she is lacking something and wants to change that, or is she going to the doctor because of you?

It may help to take sex completely of your schedule for a while. That could lessen the pressure she could be experiencing at the moment. (Regarding not having an orgasm, wanting to please you as well, ... )
Remember how it was when you two first met, got together and all that. Try to revive this time. Court her, make her feel special without having her think you want something in return. So if you go out for dinner, cuddle up with her afterwards and just tell her how much you enjoyed the evening, enjoyed spending time with her and how much you enjoy just laying in bed with her in your arms.

Edit: Now it turned out to be almost the same lil Fluffy wrote.. Nevermind..

 

Gooi weg koop nuwe een... lol

 

If I understood that correctly - not funny!

 

well yeh... doctors is good, as is seeing a sexual therapist or whatever they're called, but ... well, talk to her ;p she knows her body and mind best. ask specific, in depth questions... do you want this, that, the other.. how do you feel/what do you think about... etc. maybe you've done this, anyways, good luck
and remember whatever happens, most people would (i hope!) say that love is more important than sex...

 

Many years ago, after the birth of our first child, my wife lost her libido. I'd like to say after a lot of searching we eventually found it under the couch but that just is not true.

Seriously, she was eventually diagnosed as hypothyroid due to Hashimoto's desease. Thyroid disfuction can cause loss of libido and affects alot of women after giving birth so I'd advise your wife to go the doctor and have her thyroid function tested. It's a simple blood test and can be treated with daily oral medication.

Thinskin

 

The most powerful aphrodisiac for a wife is the site of her husband cleaning the house. :excited:

But seriously, you sound like a great guy and it seems like you have a strong relationship, so if you follow all of the great advice given above, I'm sure the two of you will figure it out.

 

Wanna make her horny - clean the whole fucking house. Nothing makes a tired mother of two hornier than a man who just finished mopping the kitchen.

 

What about looking after the kids on a certain day so that she can go out and have some alone time. I'm sure she would appreciate that.

 

I didn't go through this but that I have heard of it happening. It is good that she will be seeing a doctor and it wouldn't hurt to have a little counseling. Maybe something is bugging her and she doesn't realize it.

 

Seriously. Clean the house. I'm not kidding. Clean the house.

 

my advice would be to be very romantic to her, unleash the romeo in u, and apparently cleaning the house works so try tht

 

maybe try getting yourself in shape but dont say it to impress her. she may remember the way it was when you first started dating or early married life.

 

ah.....what?

 

Well, all.....thought I would provide an update to you.

First, before I go into detail about the present status....let me say this to the previous posters. I am a husband who is in great (extreme backpacking adventurist) shape. As for cleaning the house, I do that and the dinner for the kids. My wife takes care of them in the mornings/breakfast and the laundry. So, for those comments about cleaning the house....null and void. As for the comments about getting into shape....I am there....

Okay, with that said, she finally saw a doctor. The doctor prescribed a testosterone cream for her to apply twice a week. The problem is 2 fold. One, it really doesn't work for her, and (2) she doesn't regularly apply it. So, here is where we stand....she doesn't apply the cream nor does she use it twice a week like previously stated, the love life is severely down in the dumps, and I am sure that she is quite as frustrated as me....me asking for sex....sex being an inconvenient and uncomfortable thing for her...me feeling guilty about it when she sits there like a board. So, we are basically to the point where I don't ask for it, I am frustrated. She doesn't do anything about it and she is cranky because of me (just responding to me). What a lovely position to be in!!!!

I love her - a whole lot, but I have needs. She cannot take care of my needs and I will not cheat on her. We have 2 kids which are the focus of my and her lives, but this is just not working out.....I am at a crossroads....divorce, separation, open marriage.....don't know.

Well, that is all I have. I do not want sympathy. I am just posting this message to close the ends on it. I thought some people would like to know.

Take care....and better luck with you predictaments than what I have...

 

Hi Stomper,
I am having a similar problem. I actually posted about it just last week.
i know what you are going through and how you feel. Divorce, seperation etc are very very last resorts. Open marriage is something i would discourage.
I had a chat with my Gf this weekend ahd she is actually very upset about the situation. Simply put she just has no desire and she can't explain why. She even went to her doctor and started using some hormonal cream as she is at the menopausal age and she was thinking hormone problems.
The romance advice you got is good but may not make a difference you want also may not lead to what you want. My gf told me how guilty she feels about not having any desire.
It is a difficult situation and may require a multiple approach. Pharmaceutical help, counselling help for both of you.

Have patience. Relieve yourself by the usual means and give things a chance. That's what I'm doing. I will see how thins are after a while and go from there.
Hope this helps. If you want to message me and talk feel free.
FYI. I am almost 52 and she is almost 50.

 

I will give you kudos for talking about this with your wife. I've seen where guys thought it was easier to cheat then talk to their mate. Have you tried talking about fantasies? Or just about sex in general. You wouldn't believe how many couples don't talk about sex. Some times it's just that simple...besides that I don't know what to suggest