Hey everyone, this is my first erotic story. I really want to hear some honest opinions of it. I hope you enjoy it, and thanks in advance for reading.

------------------------------------------------

Johnny was sitting in 5th period Geometry, paying little attention to the current lesson. He looked forward to this class for the opportunity to sit behind Lauren McKnight. Today she was wearing loose fitting athletic shorts, which opened up in the back, giving Johnny a better than usual view down here backside. He was able to see all the way down to the very top of her crack. Sure, he could easily see more revealing photos of girls at home on his computer, but seeing this rare, real cleavage, despite its relative modesty, was a huge turn on for the still sexually inexperienced 16 year old.

Despite sitting in the back row, Johnny was still too nervous to stare at Lauren's exposed butt crack for an extended period of time. Disregarding his sexual instincts, he finally pointed his stare back at the teacher's direction. He tried to get back into the lesson, but he quickly realized that he was never going to be able to catch up with what he was saying. He was about to return his attention to the sweet 16-year-old cleavage in front of him, when he noticed that Lauren was whispering something to the boy in front of her. Of course, this meant that she was bent over her desk, exposing even more of her ass crack. However, Johnny decided to put his energies into listening in on Lauren's quiet conversation.

"What do you think, could we get away with it?" Lauren was whispering to the boy in front of her, an athletic, blonde kid named Matt.

"I don't know. Maybe. I mean, why the light box?" Matt whispered to her with his head turned slightly back at her direction. Johnny was stunned by how easily he was able to converse with the young beauty, despite the simplicity of the conversation at that point.

"I heard they have a couch up there," she whispered back, with an obvious devious tone to her voice.

Suddenly a soft, giggle was heard coming from the girl sitting to Lauren's right. Lauren turned to its source, causing her dirty-blonde ponytail to whip in the air. This gave Johnny his first chance in a while to look at Lauren's face. Her beautiful, golden hued skin shined wonderfully against the fluorescent light in the room. Her skin was so perfect it required little, if any, make up. Of course, his attention was immediately drawn to her green eyes, and then to her mischievous smile when she once again began to speak.

"Hey, would you like to help us have sex?" Lauren said to the girl, whose name Johnny had just remembered was Mellissa. Although he cared little about her at the moment. The realization of what Lauren had been talking about with Matt widened his mouth, and caused the already strong stiffy in his pants to pulse with pain.

"Come on Lauren, leave him alone," said Matt, taking sympathy with the shy brunette, who's only response to Lauren's question was an awkward smile.

"What? I'm serious," said Lauren, turning back to Matt for a second, causing her pony tail to whip so close to Johnny's face he could smell the shampoo she used to wash it that morning. This caused Johnny's thoughts to turn to Lauren washing herself in the shower, with suds of soap falling down her naked, wet, athletic body. He wondered if she masturbated in the shower, like he did almost every morning.

By this point, Lauren had already turned back to Melissa. "It'll be fun. You're not still a virgin are you?" Melissa continued to avoid looking at Lauren, still wearing her increasingly awkward smile.

Lauren must of noticed Johnny staring at her in the corner of her eye. He finally turned her head back to meet Johnny's stare. Johnny froze, terrified to have Lauren so aware of existence. He preferred to be the out-of-sight voyeur.

"What about you? Would you like to fuck?" she whispered to him. Johnny's tongue had swelled up at this point, preventing him of speaking, but he wouldn't have been able to say anything anyways. His heart was racing, his mind a complete blank.

The bell rang, signaling the end of class. Normally, Johnny would linger in his desk, waiting for Lauren to make her leave first, giving him a chance to watch her butt sway back in forth as she walked for the door. This time, Johnny quickly gathered his things, and dashed for the doors. He had not bothered looking at Lauren again once the bell had rung.

Now out in the crowded hallway, his mind finally cleared up. There was no doubt in his mind that Lauren's offer to him was insincere. She was always teasing, or worse, mocking the clearly horny boys that surrounded her. Still, hearing her ask the question "would you like to fuck" to him, now that he was playing it back in his mind, was a huge turn on. And in the light box, of all places. He spent almost every day in there, adjusting or programming the lights for the current school play. It was the only extracurricular activity he was involved in. Being the only member of the school's lighting crew, and the only student with a key to get in, he enjoyed the privacy.

He was on his way there now during his free period. Sometimes he would do some sort of work on the lights, but just as often he would lounge around, doing nothing in particular. Today he walked into the dirty, dark light box, and immediately fell onto the metal folding chair he spent so much time lounging on.

He began wondering why Lauren wanted to have sex with Matt up here. She was mistaken in thinking that there was a couch. Just a couple of metal chairs, like the one he was sitting on, and an open window that looked out towards the theater's stage. He supposed that bending a girl over that opening would be the best option for fucking up here. There was enough of a ledge to let the girl rest comfortably, and it was high enough off the ground to keep her pussy at waist level for any guy hoping to penetrate her.
Now the picture was stuck in his mind. His boner had becoming unbearable.

He decided to make a break for the bathroom to pick up some toilet paper. He'd be able to masturbate in the light box easily enough without anybody noticing. It was something he'd done before. Perhaps that, he now thought, was why Lauren wanted to fuck in the light box so badly. You'd be guaranteed to get away with it, as long as you were able to get in.

He was just about to walk into the men's bathroom, when he noticed someone walking out of the girl's room. It was Lauren. She must have taken a break during gym. She was wearing the same athletic shorts, with a loose fitting white t-shirt on top. Her hair was messier than before, and her face coated with a thin layer of glistening sweat.

"Hey Johnny," she said with a smile, approaching him once she left the bathroom. He was surprised at first that she even knew his name, though considering how long they had been in school together, he supposed it was only natural. Nothing special.

"Oh, hey Lauren," he said, trying to sound casual, trying hard to keep his stare on her eyes.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable before, I was just messing around," she said, now grabbing her right arm with her left, slightly shifting her body in place. I was so cute, Johnny could hardly stop from smiling.

"It's fine. I know you like to joke around with all the guys," he said, not really sure what the intent of all her teasing is. It seems mean spirited at times, but his infatuation with Lauren made him disregard that possibility.

"That is very true," she said. Johnny's mind was running wild looking for some idea of something to say to her. he didn't want her to leave. However, before he could think of anything, she spoke again.

"So, what class did you escape from?" she asked.

"Oh, this is a free period for me. I was just up in the light box."

"Ohhh really? I've always wondered what it was like up there," she said, raising herself slightly off the ground by arching her heels as she stretched out her words.

"There's no couch up there or anything. It's pretty boring," he said.

"Johnny! Just long how long were you listening to me during Geometry?" she said, as she tilted her head, placing her fists on each side of waist.

Johnny's face quickly turned red. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

"It's okay," Lauren said as she giggled. "So, there's no couch up there?
"
"No... I mean it's pretty boring up there, really."

"Well," Lauren began to say while taking a step closer to Johnny. "I'd like to see for myself."

"But," Johnny started, focusing hard on his words, trying to speak clearly, "I mean, aren't you in gym class right now?"

"Oh, I won't be missed for a little while longer. Come on, show me! Please?" she said with a sweetness that would melt any man's heart, let alone one who had admired her for so long.

"Ok, just... follow me," said Johnny, as he looked down both sides of the hallway, making sure no one could see them.

"Aw, how sweet of you," said Lauren, who then grabbed Johnny's hand. She was waiting for him to lead the way, but instead he froze in place. "Well, you do know where you're going, right?"

"Right, sure. This way," he quickly recovered, then lead her to a nearby door that led up a dark stair way, and then into the lonely, dirty lighting box. Lauren let go of Johnny's hand at this point, walking past him into the room. She turned her body as she looked over the room, her face emotionless.

"Kind of dirty, isn't it, " she said, still eyeing every corner of the room. She was turned away from Johnny, letting him notice how nicely her butt looked in her gym shorts. He also a good look at her legs, especially her calves, strong and toned thanks to years of running and soccer playing. They seemed to glisten with just a hint of sweat.

"I told you, it isn't much," he said, his eyes still well below her midsection. "Did you really want to bring Matt up here?"

"Oh, I wasn't entirely serious," she said, as she leaned across the edge of the window looking out at the stage, laying her elbows out and resting her head on her hands. "He wouldn't do it. He's so shy."

"Really, I thought he was so..." Johnny started, then paused just long enough to try to find his words for Lauren to jump in.

"Oh please, he's just as much virgin as you are," she said, then turned to look back at him, noticing the shocked look on his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so blunt."

"You don't know if I'm a virgin," Johnny quickly blurted back at her, perhaps a bit too obviously defensive.

"Oh, Johnny," she said as she got up from the edge, and started approaching him. "Johnny, Johnny, Johnny," she was now smiling sympathetically, though Johnny new better then to think it genuine. She placed a hand on his
shoulder, then continued, "It's perfectly fine to still be a virgin. Some people just aren't ready until they're a little older."

"Unlike people like you," Johnny snipped back.

"Johnny!" a shocked Lauren said, retreating her hand from Johnny's shoulder and placing it on her chest. "Are you calling me a slut?"

"No! That's... that's not what I meant! I mean, you shouldn't have teased me!" said Johnny, desperately trying lay the blame elsewhere.

"Well, I do like to tease," she said, then began to close the distance between the two. "Want to know why? I think it's such a turn on," she said, her mouth now practically inches away from his ear. Johnny couldn't say anything. He had never been so close to her before.

"Try it. Say something dirty to me," Lauren said. Johnny turned his head slightly, trying to see if he can tell by her eyes if she was being serious. Lauren turned to meet him, the two now staring each other straight on.

"Come on, don't be so shy. It's not like we're going to fuck or anything," she said, with that mischievous style that had become her signature expression.

"Well," he started, then paused for a bit before he continued. "I looked down your shorts today. In Geometry. I saw your ass crack."

"Ah, come on," Lauren said. "I could already have guessed that. Say something really dirty to me. Something you'd like to do to me."

"Ok," said Johnny in-between his short gasps for air. He was beginning to feel small beads of sweat form on his forehead. "I'd like to bend you over the edge there."

"There we go," said Lauren as she grabbed Johnny's arm in encouragement. Her face suddenly turned serious. "Then what?"

"I'd take your shorts off. Then your panties. Then I'd fuck you," he said, almost in disbelief of the words that were coming out of his mouth.

"Alright! That wasn't so hard, was it? Now, let's see the results," she said, then without warning lowered a hand down to his crotch. She cupped her hand around his stiff erection, poking through his jeans. Johnny's mouth opened, but he was unable to breath for a moment. "See, I told you. It's a great turn on, isn't it?" she said as she released her grip.

"You know, maybe I will let you. Fuck me, I mean," she said nonchalantly, then grabbed the bottom of her shirt with both hands. She quickly raised them, and the shirt with them, over head. She threw the shirt on the ground, but Johnny could only look at the pearly white sports bra that was covering Lauren's breasts. They were pretty much entirely covered, but they were still a sight beyond anything he had ever seen. Her breasts looked perky, not huge, but definitely good enough to get a mouthful of. They perfectly complimented her athletic figure.

Johnny began to walk towards her, his hand desperately stretching out in front of him, hoping to hold the incredibly sexy 16-year-old body that was in front of him. Before he got far, Lauren started wagging a finger in the air.
"Nuh uh uhhh," she teased, stopping Johnny in his tracks. "I said maybe we'd fuck. Let's see what you've got first. Take off your pants."

Johnny was hesitant at first, but figured that since she took her shirt off, fair was fair. He undid the button and fly of his jeans, then kicked them off on the floor.

"Oh, tighty-whiteys. Nice," Lauren said with a giggle. The embarrassment of standing in front of the girl of his dreams with his pants down suddenly hit Johnny like a ton of bricks. He almost thought about grabbing his pants and making a run for it, then remembered that Lauren McKnight was standing in front of him, sweaty and without her shirt on.

"All right, take the undies off," she said strictly.

"What? No! That's not fair! You still have your underwear on!" Johnny whined back. Sweat was now slowly slipping down his cheeks. It didn't help that the light box was such a warm place to begin with.

"Come on, play along, and maybe we'll fuck!" she quipped back. Johnny was beginning to doubt that prospect more and more. He was pretty sure Lauren was just having some cruel fun with him. Still, if there was any chance of having sex with Lauren, he'd play along. He slowly put his hands beneath his underwear, then slid them down to the floor, kicking them on top of his jeans. His modestly sized dick now stuck straight out into the open air. He couldn't bring himself to look at Lauren.

"Hmm, I've seen bigger, but it's kind of cute, in its own way," she said judgmentally. The embarrassment was becoming too much for Johnny to bear. His face was already looking past his dick, straight to the ground. His eyes were beginning to heat up, and they quickly became watery. Lauren noticed, then quickly put a finger on Johnny's chin, raising it back up to her eye level.

"Awww, what's wrong?" she said with a tone so soothingly caring that it almost sounded sarcastic.

"You're just trying to embarrass me," Johnny said, trying to fight back tears.

"I'm sorry baby. That's just the way the game is. Here, I'll make you feel better." She then took her other hand and quickly wrapped it around Johnny's dick. Johnny gasped for air as she tightened her grip, then began to slide her hand up and his sweaty shaft.

"There, doesn't that feel nice?" she said. Johnny didn't offer a reply, but the feeling of her soft hands on his cock, slick with sweat just from standing in the warm light box, was beyond anything he had ever imagined. Each time her hand slid up to the head of his cock, he had to let out a gasp. It was so sensitive, it almost hurt when she rubbed her palm against it. His fists were already clenched, but he reached for Lauren's side, just so that he could hold onto to something, as if he needed to brace himself for some sort of impact. As soon as he touched her, she stopped.

"No, no, no. I didn't say you could touch me. Let go, or I'll stop jerking you off," she said.

Johnny let out a loud moan, almost a cry, really, then took his hands off her. She began to slide her hand across his shaft again, this time at a much more violent pace. She practically rammed her hand against Johnny's ball sack each time she reached the bottom of his dick. Johnny looked down at his cock, noticing how read the mushroom shaped head of his dick looked. Seeing her hand blur as it feverishly went to work brought him to the edge of his limits.

"You have to stop," he said with gritted teeth.

"Or else what?" she said with a giggle, then lowered her mouth onto his, gently pecking his lips with a kiss. At this same moment, Johnny felt his balls tightened, then the familiar feeling of cum shooting out of his dick. He let out a moan inside Lauren's mouth, who continued jerking him off, even as his semen was being shot onto her gym shorts.

"Stop, stop!" he began pleading. "It hurts!"

"I'm just making sure I get every last drop out of you," she said before finally taking her hand off his dick. She wiped the cum off her hand onto her already cum-drenched shorts, though much of the cum had already dripped off the silky material and onto the floor.

"Well, it looks like you forced me to take another article of clothing," she said as she started sliding her gym shorts down her well toned legs. Once they hit the floor, she stepped out of them, not seemingly the least bit shy about standing in front of Johnny with just her underwear on. Her panties were just as white as her bra, and fitted spectacularly around the puffy lips of her pussy.

"You came a little early, but that's ok. I'm assuming that's the first time you've ever been jerked off by a girl, right?" she said, her hands resting on her barely covered sides.

"Yes. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it," he said, still trying to recover from the intense orgasm she had just forced on him.

"Don't worry, I know how to get a guy to recover pretty quickly." She took a seat on a nearby metal chair. She spread her legs open, stretching the cotton fabric of her panties across her pussy. "Come closer."

Johnny was quick to obey. Already, he was feeling some life return to cock. He walked up to her, then simply stood in front of her, waiting for more directions.

"Get on your knees. Don't do anything else until I tell you."

Again, Johnny quickly obeyed. He got down on his knees, he face now a couple of feet away from Lauren's sex. His naked knees felt uncomfortable on the hard floor of the light box, but he wasn't about to complain. From this short distance, he was able to see that her panties were moist right around her pussy. Lauren reached down with one finger, and pulled some of the fabric to her side, exposing her pussy ever-so-slightly. It was wet, either with sweat, her juices, or some combination of both. Her lips puffed out slightly, making the pink slit of her vagina only slightly noticeable. There was no hair to see anywhere.

"I want you to stick a finger inside me. Just one finger. And just stick it inside and keep it in there. Don't finger fuck me. Ok?"

Johnny simply nodded, then slowly reached his finger out in front of him. It first slid past Lauren's finger, still holding her panties off to the side. Soon, it was slightly pressed against the entrance to her pussy. He gently pushed it in just an inch, nestling it between her pussy lips. Already, his finger felt warm. He pushed it in deeper, helped along the way with the juices inside Lauren's hot pussy. It was tight in there, yet it didn't take long before his finger was buried inside her. His instincts told him to begin sliding his finger in and out of her, but he knew that doing so may end the game.

"Good," Lauren said, blushing a bit herself for the first time.

Johnny looked up at Lauren, then spoke softly, pleading, "Can I move it now?"

"You can wiggle it a bit, but don't take it out."

Johnny then began moving his finger in a small, circular motion inside her. Her pussy was too tight to let him move around much, but he tried to wiggle around her pussy wall as much as he could.

"Mmmmmm... that's nice," she said in a soft tone. "Take it out now."

As Johnny began to slide his finger out of her, Lauren let out a soft sigh. Noticing this, Johnny slowed his removal, drawing out the sexy noise from her as long as possible. When his finger finally left her little sex hole, a small string of her sticky juicy stretched from her pussy to the end of Johnny's finger. Before Johnny could admire it for too long, it broke.

"You can put that in your mouth if you want," she said, her back bent forward, letting her look down on him.

Johnny quickly placed his finger, wet with her pussy juice, inside his mouth. It was a unique taste, but one he quickly craved more of. His finger still in his mouth, Lauren reached down for Johnny's hand. After grabbing it, she bent over and brought it up to her own mouth. She enclosed her lips around his finger, and gently passed her tongue across it a few times before it letting it back out.

"Alright, that should do the trick," Lauren said as she rose off from the chair. Johnny wasn't sure what she was talking about at first, until he looked down at his dick and noticed that it was as erect as it was before she jerked him off.

"You've done pretty well," Lauren said as she reached her hands behind her, beginning to undo her bra.

Johnny rose up from the floor himself. His knees were sore as he got up, but the pain in his once again aching cock weighed heavier on his mind.
"Don't you want me to finger fuck your pussy," said Johnny, his voice more pleading and then suggesting. "You know, return the favor."

"No, that's ok," she said, then slightly bit her tongue as she continued to work on her bra. "I think we're ready to fuck now." Before Johnny could say anything, Lauren's bra dropped off her chest.

"Ta da!" she said with a bright smile, then threw her bra at Johnny. Johnny quickly swatted it away, not wanting it to get in the way of his view of Lauren's now exposed breasts. As he had thought, there weren't huge, but wonderfully perky. His small tits stuck straight out in the air, almost begging for a mouth to engulf them.

"Now, what was it you said you wanted to do to me? Bend me over the ledge and fuck me?" she said, almost laughing as it came out. "I have to admit, you shocked me. I didn't think you'd be so straight forward."

Johnny still couldn't say anything. Was this really happening? Was she really going to let him fuck her. Already, she was moving to the ledge, planting her hands on the far side and bending her back across it, lifting her butt in the air. She began swaying it from side to side, taunting him.

"You wanted me like this, right?" she said with her head tilted back in his direction, her ass still swaying in the air.

Johnny moved himself behind her. She was still looking at him, once again wearing that mischievous smile that practically intoxicated him with lust.
"I can really do this?"

"Go for it! I really did want to try fucking up here."

Johnny gripped his hands around Lauren's tight waist, right above her ass. He scooted himself forward, making sure that he would be able to move his hips enough from where he was now standing to penetrate her fully.

"Don't get shy on me now!" she cried back to him. "Just ram it in there. Don't worry, I can take it."

Johnny was shaking with nerves. He moved his hips forward the tiniest bit, enough to put his cock right in front of her slit. He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He only hoped he would last longer than the last time.
"Come on, Johnny! Fuck me!" Lauren yelled.

Johnny jerked his hips forward, and before he could even think about it his dick was buried inside her pussy. It was just as hot and wet as when he put his finger inside her, but now it seemed tighter around his stiff cock.
"Ok, you know what to do next, or do you need me to tell you?" Lauren said, snapping Johnny back to the moment. He pulled his cock out until he felt the head of it press against her pussy lips, then pushed it back in. His grip on her waist tightened, causing her skin to turn white where his fingers pressed down. He pulled his cock out to its head once more.

"That's it, you're getting it," said Lauren, whose head was now facing out the window, towards the empty stage. "Now go a bit faster."

Johnny took a deep breath, then slammed his dick inside again. This time he did not stop once it was all the way inside, instead immediately sliding it back out, then in again. After a few thrusts, he was beginning to develop a rhythm. The sensation of Lauren's slick pussy walls rubbing against cock was causing him to salivate out of the side of his mouth.

"There we go, now we're fucking," said Lauren as she lowered her elbows on the ledge, grabbing the edge of the balcony tightly with her fingers. "Can't you go faster?"

"I'm trying. It's so tight," Johnny said in-between labored breaths. He noticed that Lauren's ass was beginning to turn red from smacking against his waist so much.

"You need to pull my waist into your thrusts. Here, I'll help you," Lauren said, her speech becoming a bit labored herself. Tightening her grip on the edge, she extended her arms, pulling herself down on Johnny's cock as it went inside her. Johnny quickly got the idea, and helped to pull her waist into him with each thrust. Now he could feel his balls slapping against the bare skin on her pubic area with each hump. Every time, more of Lauren's pussy juices would slide down his shaft and onto his balls, making each slap against her skin louder than the last.

"That's it! That's it!" Lauren screamed excitedly, then let out a gleeful squeal as Johnny continued to take her from behind. "I love it! I fucking love it! Do it harder!"

Johnny was too focused on his breathing to be able to say anything. He reached out and grabbed Lauren's ponytail, then pulled back on it. Lauren immediately screamed as her head was tilted upwards. At first he was worried he may had gone too far, but she quickly set his fears to rest.

"Fuck yes! Now you get it! Now you fucking get it! Pull my fucking hair, you piece of shit!" she screamed, spit flying out of her mouth with each expletive. There wasn't a second where she stayed quiet now, letting out constant screams and squeals of pleasure. Johnny knew that he wasn't going to be able to last like this for much longer.

"Can I cum inside you?" he said, having to blink constantly to keep the sweat out of eyes.

"No! Absolutely not! Cum on my ass!"

Not a second after she spoke, Johnny had to let go of Lauren's hair, causing her face to crash down on the ledge. He pulled his dick out of her pussy, a small flood of Lauren's juices following behind it. He began to jerk it in his hand. Before long, streams of his hot cum sprayed onto Lauren's red ass. His hips jerked violently with each stream, and after the fourth and final jet, he almost collapsed onto the floor.

"Quick, clean it up before it drips down to my pussy," Lauren said, her head again turned back towards Johnny.

Without thinking, Johnny stretched his shirt to Lauren's ass, and wiped away the cum that was just a few inches above her pussy. Although some of the cum was soaked up into his shirt, much of it just spread across Lauren's ass cheeks, causing them to glisten more than ever.

Lauren got herself off the ledge, then began to put her clothes back on. When she got to her shorts, she held them up in front of her.

"Most of the cum has dried, but I better go wash them in the bathroom. You should do the same to your shirt," she said before putting them on.

Now clothed, she walked past Johnny, who hadn't moved from where he had just penetrated her. She gave his a soft kiss on his cheek. "See, I may have teased you, but at least you're not a virgin anymore."

She made her way for the door, then stopped at its entrance and turned to Johnny once more. "Maybe next time, I'll let you cum inside me." After that, she turned around, and left. Johnny just moved to the steel chair he had sat on earlier, and calmly sat on it. He took a few minutes to catch his breath, then played the events that had just happened over in his mind until the period ended.

 

Very good story man...Keep up the good work...Sounds like a real life occurrence or a well thought out fantasy about someone.

 

Since you asked for my honest opinion, I'll give it to you.

I loved it! Like Lauren, you spend a long time "teasing" the reader with a slow buildup and promises that we're not sure you're going to keep. About halfway through the story I was convinced that Lauren wasn't going to follow through with those promises, then like Johnny I ended up with a pleasant surprise.

I wouldn't say Lauren is exactly evil, but she's definitely a little twisted. Girls like that usually turned me off in high school; either they made good on their hints (in which case they were sluts) or they didn't (in which case they were bitches). But as a fantasy, this story worked really well.

You did make a couple of minor grammatical errors, but mostly ones that are so obscure that I would have to look them in order to confirm that they're really errors. (e.g. I think "16 year old" should have a dash between each word, but I'm not entirely sure) So I really can't hold that against you.

I hope you keep writing. I'd love to read more stories from you.

 

What a sensational story. I loved it. Superb work!

 

Thanks for the kinds words, everyone. I'm glad you all seemed to enjoy the story so much. Looking over it again myself, I notice a few errors that I'll be sure to fix before I submit if formally.

I'd appreciate any more honset comments. Thanks again for your help.

 

great job well written

 

hmm..i like this one....good job

 

Great story! Takes me back.......and made me real hard. Perhaps this would make for a good series....please continue....

 

Once again, thanks everyone. I am thinking about doing at least a couple more stories with these characters. I've thought up at least a few more scenarios that I thought would be pretty hot.

 

Well done, Caretaker!

 

Very hot story, keep on writing!

 

Critical comments

Nice build up to the final act. Well paced with an edge of the seat expectancy.

I would suggest you proof read before you post. Who was doing/saying what got a bit confused in the beginning, proofing it would have sorted them out.

On the whole, nice job!

 

nice story - keep on

 

It was really good, i would post stories, but i always write them in dutch and dont feel like translating them

 

excellent story

 

fucking a

 

extremely well done for a first story. I know that eager feeling of, "Yes! I finally finished it, now I'm gonna post it!" but honestly, you should wait a day, proof-read it, and then submit a much more refined piece of writing. the best tip I can give you is to read the story, out loud to yourself. You should pick up on most of the errors you made. Thanks again, I really enjoyed it.

 

Thanks again, everyone. Hopefully I'll be able to catch more of the errors next time. I probably did I get a little too excited upon finishing it and wanted to post it as soon as possible.

The story is now up on XNXX proper: http://stories.xnxx.com/story/18775/The_16-Year-Old-Tease_at_Play

I'd appreciate any postive votes. Hopefully if it does well there, I can do another one. Thanks again.

 

lol more : P

 

Definitely interesting; I liked it.