Well, I treaded lightly into this forum and made it look like any usual fun and tease seeking and giving male, but there is an underlying reason why I started seeking stronger and more interactive erotic ("porn") engagement.

My current girlfriend doesn't have much sexual desire. She is really nice and smart and sexy and I am a good looking man in my 30's and we are of age that we should be "fucking like rabbits", but she just doesn't have the need and I am also very considerate about it... so it happened to drop to once a month (and even then with very long preparation and not passionately and wild as I am used to otherwise) which became a problem for the relationship...

I don't want to cheat on her, because I love her. Some fantasy and a bit more active erotic activity, like joining this porn forum and similar, helps, but I am becoming a bit frustrated...

What would you do? Has anyone been in a similar situation. I could get almost any girl, especially for one night stands or to be "fuck-buddies", but I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend as I mentioned. Am I crazy? Is life too short...? ..but love and respect... shit, I don't know... she is so un-sexual at the moment and it's not that I don't try and be romantic and also erotic, but she doesn't get turned on by anything, not visual, not imaginative, even direct touching and caressing has a very mild effect, porn is completely lost on her, she just doesn't have a desire. She doesn't even masturbate alone or something... and I know since we live together and it is very unlikely that she does it at her job or when I am not around at home.

She also loves me, it is not that we have any other serious problems... all is perfect, she likes to cuddle very much (imagine how hard that can be for an aroused male, who didn't have sex in a month), except that she doesn't have a working libido. I can't leave her, but this is becoming a burden for me, she is just fine, only gets a bit frustrated when I try to talk about it seriously with her.
I also think - it's her right not to be interested in sex, maybe she needs such a phase (and we had passionate ones, too) but I can't live till the end of my life like that. I am a fully functional 30 year old "stud", for heaven's sake! I tried to seek fault in my actions, too and also asked her if I am doing something wrong or don't attract her anymore, but she says no, she just doesn't need sex at the moment.

Any women with such experience - did you loose lust once in your life for a longer period of time? Is this usual, normal? Or should we try to seek some therapeutic help? But if she is fine - why go around friggin doctors and not leave it like that if it doesn't affect her health and psyche? But what should I do... it sure starts to affect me...

 

You need to be honest with yourself and then your girlfriend. If you have doubts about whether her lack of interest in sex isn't going to drive you to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere, then talk to her about it.
Relationships are always a double partnered affair and the needs, or lack of, shouldn't outweigh the importance of the others.
It seems that you are considering "cheating", because you talk about how easy you could get laid. If you don't want to do this, then talk to your girlfriend about it. She might agree that you can have a sexual partner if she's not as interested as you.

 

sex drive

the last reply is right on

 

Well, honest we are, she doesn't agree on me having a sexual partner, we did talk about it seriously and of course I found it erotic and she thinks it would distance us and that she couldn't live with it and she is probably right - it could distance us, especially if its a regular partner... sex bonds, too. I am a bit lost about it.. sex is not the only thing in a relationship, but still... For now I don't seek it elsweher than in fantasy and obviously online, but it is getting frustrating and I am thinking about solving the problem in any way possible, our relationship is so mutually friendly and helpful that it would be a pity to end it over this.

 

If friendship is the strongest tie binding your relationship, then you should consider life as just friends and not partners. You admit that you feel frustrated by the lack of desire your partner feels. In time, that will only escalate to something close to hate. Or, if she gives in to sex more often, she'll be the one hating you for putting her in that position where she feels she has no alternative but to have sex.

 

Ask her to seek medical and/or psychological help to identify the problem and see if there is anything that can be done about it. If she won't make an effort, run like hell.

BTDTGTTS

 

Thanks, you're smart.

Actually I know that already, it happened in a mild form (strange feelings of "hate" which I fought against and didn't show openly, maybe only been a bit agitated and rude to her when it happens and I always regretted it and once even made her feel that she is pushed to have sex - which I avoid at all cost, I rather have no sex than make her perform her "duty", it can't get less sexy than that) and we try to work around it... I don't know, I seek pleasure in fantasy already, but I don't like it to develop into some parallel erotic world of mine, if it doesn't get better, the friendship thing will be the only option, but seems unlikely to work out. Maybe that's not exactly the right place to discuss this, but your contribution was welcome. I move in circles where contacts with single women are often and easy and I already distanced or outright refused a few "offers" that I had to play out in my mind later... Oh, well, I'll try to stop complaining, now.

 

No, it doesn't seem fair. We are a couple, not some short-lived affair, I can't just run out of it and I don't want to make it too frustrating and difficult for her. She is a too nice person and I love her. That's the problem, if there were no attachements, yes, I would just go my own way. Anyway, maybe I shouldn't have opened this question here, but then again - why not?

 

Have you asked her if she has a sexual attraction to someone other than you? Does she get turned on by anything at all? Is she on any kind of medication? There are many prescription drugs that lower libido including some birth control.

 

Just stop

I don't want to sound mean, but the last time that happened in my relationship, it turned out she was getting satisfied somewhere else.
I think you should move on and find a person better suited to your desires, and not only her desires. Love is blind, thats what they say

 

You just have to find the animal in her (no not farmyard porn!!).

Everybody has got one it just that some hibernate more than others.

Talk, talk.

Thinskin

 

I think freethinker might not have phrased his answer quite right, but his general meaning I get and agree with.

Heres why; As you have pointed out you are being very carful and considerate of her feelings/needs and respecting them completly. wich is great as it shows you clearly love her.
Now, flip that around for a second. You also have feelings and needs, is she showing the same level of respect/consideration to yours? The answer im afraid to say from what you have said is, no, she isnt.

Im not saying she should fuck you everyday and act like shes enjoying it even if she isnt, just for you. But, as someone else said, a relationship is between two people. There needs to be an equal amount of give and take from both sides, not just one. So there should be a level of having sex somewhere between once a day and once a month that will keep you both happy.
She should respect your needs of wanting more sex just as much as you have respected her needs of less sex and work with you to find a balance.

Again, someone pointed out that some medications can lower desire. Is there anything else in her life that is happening at the moment that could be effecting this? Work, money, other friendships, health, or general body image/self confidence, that could be stressing her out/making her feel bad about herself that could lower her sex drive? My gf has a similar problem, when shes convinced shes "fat" or "ugly" (she is neither) then she goes off sex.
Maybe its not that she doent love you, or find you atractive anymore, but maybe she has just reached a point in the relationship where sex isnt on her mind anymore and way to into the "comfy" zone.

Talk to her again about all this find out exactly whats going on. If its any of the problems that I said in the last paragraph then if she loves you, you should hopfully be able to reach some kind of balance. if not between yourselves maybe with someone like a relationship counciler/sex therapist. If she is unsure what the problem is people like that could really help you sort things out between yourselves. Theres no shame in going to someone like that.
But like Freethinker said: At the end of the day you are going well out of your way to be considerate to her and to try and save your relationship. If she is unwilling to talk to you and find a ballance, or is unwilling to go to a therapist with you and try and resolve it then its a clear indication that she doesnt feel as strongly for you as you do for her. And I know that sounds horrible, but if you stop and think about it, its true. If she loves you as much as you love her she will be willing to put herself out as much as you have to work on this problem. If she isnt, then I would stay friends with her but look to move on for a relationship where you do love each other equaly.

Good luck

 

id be affraid hes right.. but then again, ive had it happen to me so im now paranoid, and actualy there are some pretty knowledgeable people on here with good advice.. as weird as it may seem that people come to a porn forum for legit life advice haha.. but it is a good place, and id spend more time trying to figure out why your girl has a low libido like stress or another man, or lack of feelings for you. maybe she doesnt feel the same as you, you seem pretty smart i think you know already, but like me have a hard time parting with attachments.. good luck

 

QFT.

That is what I always do, if you can convince the girl that she has psychological problems she is putty in your hands my friend. Enjoy.

 

I'd say darkness has it right. I was in a similar relationship to the one you are describing for about three years only my then gf had no desire at all not just a limited level. I stayed in the relationship because I had genuine feelings for her, but she wouldn't budge on the issue of sex even though I did my best to be understanding and considerate. Eventually the conflict there weakened other parts of our relationship and we broke up. The simple fact of the matter was she was unwilling to consider my feelings about the issue and I couldn't stay in a sexless relationship for the rest of my life. I never cheated and never considered it an option.

If it helps consider this, there are many reasons other than a lack of love that cause relationships to fail to work out. Two people can get along fabulously, love each other very much and have an irreconcilable disagreement over life goals or values. If you wanted kids and she was completely opposed to having them it would bring just as much strain to the relationship as this mismatch over sex drive. However; I'd bet you would feel less guilty about going your separate ways if that were the root of the problem instead.

 

Actually, I phrased it exactly the way I meant to. If she has no interest in sex, and no interest in finding out why, or if there is some underlying medical or psychological problem that can be treated, then what interest does she have in him? Can she honestly say she loves him if she is not willing to at least make an effort to find out why, or see if anything can be done about it? My wife used the excuse that sex wasn't everything in a marriage; maybe not, but it is a part of it, an integral part, and unless one is willing to take "I do" as a vow of chastity, he is better off finding out now if she is interested in even making an honest effort.

 

Unfortunately it is exactly that - she doesn't get turned on by anything, independent of me. If she would be at least aroused from any situation, some other cute guy, sexy scene, movie, book... but no, nothing or a very mild, mild reaction when she allows to be kissed erotically and caressed. I think we already narrowed the cause down to stress and being "burned out" from work, but such lack of interest is quite a severe reaction to that and especially for a period of almost a year, now.

btw - thank you all for the replies, some provided some good food for thought. The catch is, ours is quite a special situation, we both feel "this is it" and really like each other, I don't think you could understand unless you would meet us or live with us for a while, we have this deep love that endured several years and most of this time was also very passionate, but in the last year, starting slowly maybe even a year before our sex rate dropped to freeze area.
It is a rather difficult situation, because I think she can't really understand how this affects me, since she doesn't have a frame of reference on which to base the empathy. She is fine in her body and my hormones are going wild - she cannot really understand that, because she doesn't feel it, so she doesn't see the situation as a big problem it is, even if we talk about it. When we stop talking about it, she is completely fine, just doesn't have sex and eroticism in her life and doesn't see the problem, but I do of course. And if I try to talk more about it, it becomes a pressure on her and this alienates us even more and kills the last drop of desire left. Like if we cuddle and I make a move and she refuses and if I start talking about our problem, it kills the nice vibe we had. And no, she is really not into some other guy, I know how it is when a woman cheats on you, but this is not it.

We'll see. I think I need some freedom and some more passion in my life, I can't live like that much longer. I have a strong libido, but not obsessive, she had a mild one, but was really cute and sexy in bed, but now it is almost gone. I had some "slutty" girlfriends before, that were a bit too much even for my passion, but now I really miss some of that unbound sexuality and drive. I can't only court her all the time, I like it when a woman wants you and demands your sex, too. But now even my courting fails.

Funny, I would never have thought that a porn forum can be helfpul to vent and think over such things, too. Actually I didn't know that such forums exist until recently.

 

The bottom line here is that even if she totally loves you and is more into you sexually than anyone else, human beings have widely varied sexual appetites. There are people who are literally sex addicts who never get enough and there are people who are almost sexually neutral, who can take it or leave it.

On a scale of 1-10 (lack of interest to 'gotta have it'), with the 4-6 range considered "normal" or average in sexual appetite, you may be an 8 and she may be a 2.

That is just the way things are. If sex is more important to you than a near-platonic relationship, eventually, no matter how much you love her, you are going to sniff out pussy elsewhere. If you can deal with her low sex drive and she loves you enugh to accomodate you to keep you fropm going crazy, it might work.

 

Other options

You may have a few more options than you think. If a libido mismatch is the only issue between the two of you, why not try to balance them? There are exotic beverages that you can get from the grocery store that can raise libido. You can try this as an option for her. There are also things that you can do to lower your libido, like working out more, running a marathon, etc. Put some thought into these options as they can make things easier to bear.

 

Do you really thing those beverages work?? I am of an opinion that most of that sort of offers are fraud... do you know of something reliable and natural and not dangerous for health?

I mean, we did use tasty exotic dinners with "aphrodisiac" food, wine, romantic atmosphere, much attention, etc. and sometimes it works, like once a month. My drive is not so overwhelming I guess, also since I can (still) cope with this minimalist "sex rate", I surely did my share of accomodating it... also used cycling, working out, even some "meditating", masturbating of course...