I wish I was Kim K. or J-Lo
Then my lover might give me a halo
But for now he makes do
With a flat-bottomed shrew
Though he’ll fuck me whenever I say so

 

Some fuck to the bangles
Hot, hot locked in tangles
I play my card
I push n hard
The moaning of Angels

 

Don’t need any music to fuck
Just need a big cock I can suck
When I give him a treat
He will bow at my feet
Then into my pussy he’ll duck

 

duck or suck
makes me want to fuck
harder harder
tossing the garder
oh what kind of luck

 

I don't want to seem a quitter
Or sound like I'm going all bitter
But does size really matter
Whether short long or fatter
As long as the bugger will fit her?

 

Happy Mother’s Day to all

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, and bring them to your mother
For sure, the love you get from her is unlike any other
Give her gifts and flowers
And your time - she loves the hours
Spoil her this day, for none of us are promised another

:rose::rose::rose::rose::rose::rose::rose::rose::rose::rose::rose::rose:

 

For everyone missing Mom today….

I know Mother’s Day can be hard
When she’s not here to give her a card
Still you hold bright bouquets
Filled with all of her days
Loving memories that two hearts will guard

 

… and now back to the smut!

Mom told me “Fucking is bad”
When I told her I already had
Then I just had to sass
Got a smack to my ass
When I said “Aren’t you fucking Dad?"

 

A weekend without a new verse
I can't think of anything worse
I hope nopanties returns
As my body just yearns
To put a few coins in her purse.

 

...and after I took precious minutes from a very busy day to leave three!! This is the thanks I get?
Well, then, today's limerick is for everyone EXCEPT you! Don't look!

 

For my birthday, I got a new dress
So I wore it and hoped to impress
Then a breeze came my way
And the crowd cheered “hooray”
Guess my outfit was quite a success

View attachment

 

Two days felt more like two weeks
For a man who your genius seeks
Please don't think I'm being cheesy
But I'm sure when it's breezy
You'll be showing me two perfect cheeks.

Something just occurred to me
A sight that I'd sure like to see
If the two of us bickers
I'll pull down your knickers
And put you right over my knee.

 

I really must find you a hobby!
Perhaps playing with something that's knobby?
You may think that I'm smart
Others think I'm a tart
But at least you don't think that I'm snobby

As for putting me over your knee
Don't expect I'll surrender with glee
For no man gets to slap
When I've over his lap
"Til he's paid the appropriate fee

 

Oh so you're wanting a fee
Before you'll get over my knee
If I want it enlarged
will I get overcharged
Have you change, all I've got's 50p

 

If your broke ass has just fiddy pence
You can go sit on that picket fence
With a spoke up your arse
A new rhyme you can parse
While I find me a bloke with some sense

I’m worth every dollar, it’s true
Won’t be wasting my time around you
I’ll go find a rich man
Who’ll pay all that he can
For the things that my body can do

When it’s time that I’m needing some cash
I can pull it right out of my gash
It’s a great hiding spot
The bills just need a blot
Though it’s caused me a terrible rash

[Damn, I'm nasty!]

 

O.K my position and rank
Mean I can only afford a quick wank
But if you agree
For some jiggy with me
I'll go out and rob a large bank.


Perhaps you should take some advice
Although what I say aint so nice
Tell me it's not true
NOW we know what you do
that we're only now haggling on price.

 

I'm so horny and I love sex, I really really do
I'm so horny and I love sex, love to have it with you
I love it best if you're female
But I don't care if you're a male
Suck your cock or lick your twat, then flip you over and give your ass a screw.

 

O.K. I'm a pedantic man
Always doing the best that I can
But please take your time
When penning a rhyme
And try make the bloody thing scan.

 

Dear sir, I’m most highly offended!
For I’m just not the type you’ve contended
I am no common whore
And I offer much more
Than the common tramps you have befriended

If you think you can haggle the price
I suggest you had better think twice
For I’m worth every buck
When you need a good fuck
You’re the type that I just might charge thrice

My fees I’ve outlined on a list
Twenty bucks gets you thoroughly kissed
For fifty, I’ll blow
For a hundred, you’ll go
To a place where your wife won’t be missed

 

I see that you like having sex
I suggest you go look up my ex
He behaved like a prick
But he had a fine dick
And a golden retriever named Rex