I'm 29, male, and very happily married (though you won't believe me). . .but I have serious fantasies about cheating. I've had fantasies involving married women for YEARS (before I was married) which have only gotten worse and worse, dirtier and dirtier with time. My sex life with my wife is fair, but I think it's sort of irrelivant. . .the fantasies are more about GETTING a married woman to cheat. . .and more about doing things with a woman in the setting of cheating. . .things you wouldn't do with your wife. . .wouldn't do with the mother of your children. . .experimenting and taboos. . .

I chat online and look at porn when she's not around. . .and have had various discussions with women both married and single. . .part of me really WANTS to try something to just get rid of this desire. . .part of me knows what a stupid idea that would be. . .

SO, curious if there are any guys out there with similar problems who DID do something. . .

and (stupid me) curious if there are any women out there (married or single) who either are married and curious like I am for something dirty and no strings or single and interested in the same.

thanks for pardoning the long post, and eager for peoples thoughts.

-M

 

Young 77

I hope you know and expect there will the idiots who yell, You are a sicko, you should be burned in hell, etc. Shrug them off.

If you ever decide to actually act on this, be prepared for your wife to take to the hills with the kids and saddle you with lifetime payments (especially in CA).

If its the thought of something different that is what is really on your mind, and you and your wife are really committed to each other, then the safer and more pleasant alternative is to convince her in a subtle way to explore alternative live styles, like swinging. Again, though, depending on the strength of your commitments, there is the danger she or you could really fall for one of your casual partners. It's like driving down a road full of potholes, you never which one will break your axle, (or marriage!)


Give a lot of thought before you act.

(God, I am beginning to feel like the Dear Abby of this site...and they don't pay me either, it is all for my love of trying to actually help people....... not that I am the sine quo non of knowledge, either, but I don't write on things I am not very sure of.)

 

As a former member of the cheaters club, I do not advocate cheating on your wife, but if you are going to do it:
1st) Don't tell no one not even your best friend or family member
2nd) Make sure it's not with someone your wife knows or work with
3rd) Make sure she's not in your neighborhood or apartment complex
4th) Don't get emotionally envolved or attached
5th) Always cover your tracks (never leave any evidence)
6th) Make damn sure that you are a very good lier
7th) Never admit to anything
And lastly don't get caught. Always keep these things in mind when you are cheating and keep this one vital thing at the forefront of your deception. You can always get busted when you least expect it.

 

Look, aside from the fact that cheating is morally wrong and hurtful....this is ultimately about risk vs. reward. If you're willing to risk a strong healthy relationship with your wife so that you can have a one-night fling and fuck someone else that you don't particularly care about, then I guess you might as well go ahead.

The fact is, everyone harbors such thoughts now and then. But harboring the thought, even enjoying the thought, and actually taking the plunge and DOING it are two very different things.

If you're obsessing about this, you should discuss your feelings with your wife, because she's obviously not fulfilling all of your needs. Maybe there are steps you could take to spice up your sex life. Maybe you could do some role-playing so that your particular fantasies can be acted out.

 

Meet your wife in a hotel room and pretend she's married to someone else.

 

Exactly. Pick her up in a bar. Or a PTA meeting. There are millions of possibilities.

 

The thing that gets me is the line

What exactly can you not do with the person you share your life with? just who are you suppossed to experiement with in a SAFE and SECURE enviroment?

a spouse can be many different part. my wife can be a lady, a mother, a cook, a CEO, a driver, a pornstar, and a bitch at any given time- sometimes the latter happens more often than not when i am being a dick first- but you'll never hear me say that.

If the issue is you wanting to do something sexual then talk to your wife, see what she thinks about this taboo thing, she may be into it or at least willing to give it a try to make you happy.

 

By George! It's hard enough keeping one woman happy and trying to figure her out. Why would you add to the challenge?

I think in general though men are apt to be promiscuious and have serial lovers. It's easier to be an excellent lover a limited number of times versus being an excellent lover for decade after decade. Some may say that this is just a reflection of our animal instincts to be breeders, however, nature is filled with examples of other monogamous species such as wolves, seahorses, penguins, etc. Even if we have an underlying genetic drive to mate with multiple females, we are nonetheless gifted with something no other animal has...an enormous cerebral cortex which allows us to expand our "programming" infinitely and frees us from the binds of hardwiring which limits your pet dog, the lions on the safari, and the whales in the ocean.

I understand your drive to cheat...believe me. And perhaps since this has been such a long standing fantasy of yours it's indelibly engraved into your psyche. But, nonetheless, that large grey mass which allows you to type this post also gives you the ability to overcome those desires. It's a matter of knowing how to tap into it (which is altogether a different can of worms).

Try couples counseling...it works after the first few sessions when you've both gotten the baggage of related and unrelated issues off your chest. The desire to be successful in your marriage is more powerful than the seemingly irreconsilable issues which may arise. A strange occurence happens when all the baggage is set down...you like each other more, suddenly experience comfort you thought you'd never feel, and the expectation of a new future takes over. At this point your counselor may suggest maneuvers to spice things up such as role playing where your wife will take on the persona of another woman (or you another man), you may "pick her up" at a bar as if you've met her for the first time and are taking her home for a hot fuck before she has to go back home to her unsuspecting husband.

Expect to see the counselor weekly for 6 weeks or so with about 4 additional sessons, at intervals as you may require, over the next 2 years to iron out wrinkles and reaffirm your strategy as you both fall back into the entrapment of old bad habits. Trust me, at a certain point you'll realize that life is beautiful after all.


N.B. Counseling doesn't have to be expensive (and it is a heck of a lot cheaper than alimony and child support plus losing half of your communal property). Call about and find a counselor who actually gives you a time table. If you find one who states your counseling may have no end, suspect that he/she is unethical and using his/her clients to pay the morgage or for that yearly vacation to extravagant resorts at exotic locales.

 

How would you feel if she cheated?

 

I agree with triguy there is something about the above line that caught my attention too, but for a different reason which is you are shit full of double standard. I don't like double standard. You are saying these experiments and taboos are not okay with wife or mother of children but it's okay for husband and father of children to do experiments and taboos?

Another statement that got me was this one

Why did you get married if you have to be sneaky all the time? You and your wife are supposed to be like siamese twins. You are shutting her out and you probably don't even have a clue that she might be as kinky you and maybe even surpass you on the kink meter.

The last line that got me was this

Something dirty? What is dirty? If by dirty you mean cheating. Cheating isn't being dirty cheating is being shitty there is a difference.

 

I think this is about as good advice as you can get without going to a marriage councilor. But also, that can be a good idea.

 

wow, I kinda wanted to stir things up a bit, but I'm shocked at all the postings. . .thanks to all that chimed in. . .

First of all, let me say that this is ALL ABOUT FANTASY. . .from 10 years before I met my wife I was exploring these fantasies. . .centrally, they revolve around cheating (usually older) married women. . .just a fantasy that turns me on. (and not the kind that I ever felt comfotable talking with my wife about, my own choice.) I alwasys thought that somewhere along the line I would just grow out of it. . .but it just keeps on going. . .so my question was: has anyone had a similar situation and acted. . .and if so did it quell the urges, etc. . .In real life, while I fantasize about the urges, I don't think I will ever act. I may chat like this online, or look at porn, but that's a HUGELY different thing than cheating. My wife KNOWS I look at porn, she just doesn't want to be a part of it, and our sex life is FINE!
As for my comments about things you wouldn't do with your wife. . .it's true. Call me crazy, but there ARE some things I just wouldn't want to do with my wife. . .I may not want to DO them at all. It may be a double standard. . .but for instance golden showers or rough S&M or who knows what. . .I just wouldn't want to bring that into an otherwise loving innocent relationship. My choice, and sure it's a double standard that I would fantasize about trying it. . .but some of those things involve a certain level of degradation I think. People can blast me for saying it. . .but I'd be a lot quicker to do some of those things with a women I didn't LOVE AND CARE FOR, who was there for satisfaction and sexual fufilment ONLY . . .and who I didn't have to be with an hour later playing with our newborn baby. . .no?

 

And no, I don't have a newborn baby yet. . .I know people are going to freak about that statement.

 

Dont do it, when I was 11 my mom caught my dad cheating and the only reason she stayed with him is because I was still young right when I went to collge she got a divorce, she didn't want me tog et emotionally scarred as her "baby"

It also ruins lives, your eventually going to get caught no matter what the circumstances no human is able to keep a secret for his whole life, if your really lie stressed about it, talk to your wife and hopefully she will understand where you are coming from.

 

I don't know how many others have cheated here, but I speak from experience. And I believe you said "SO, curious if there are any guys out there with similar problems who DID do something. . . Well I one of those guys. I'm not proud of it nor am I ashamed and I can care less about anyones criticism of it. But what I can tell you is that if you do, there will be that thrill and excitment and danger element to it but once the novelty wears off you will come to the realization that it just might not have been worth it, especially if you get caught. And like some of the others have previously stated, it might not be a bad idea to talk to your wife about it and she where she stands before you make any moves you might regret later. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

 

While respecting everyones' opinions expressed on here my experience has been thus :

On and off (may be 3-4 times a year) I have brief flings ( sex if you like) with different female acquaintances. As a married man they respect my responsibilities as i respect theirs. Such encounters never bothered with my marital life. My wife and me love each other more every day. Cant wait for our next camping trip to the mountains next week.

If there Is a lurking danger between us I fail to see. Would actually be a pleasant surprise for a change if there is one.

 

And what happens if one of your "acquaintances", on a whim, decides she's not going to "respect your responsibilities" any more, and tells your wife?

 

I don't THINK I would ever cheat (I can't say 100% as I've never been in that situation, but I can understand the possible reasons temptation). Only the original poster can decide if it's the thing to do for him or not. If you're here simply looking for validation, I don't think you've found it. Everyone that is married, made a commitment on that day. We all know the agreement, unless otherwise specified before hand, was you and me together, with nobody else, until we die. It's as simple as that. If you aren't ready for that, then you shouldn't have made that commitment. If you want to go ahead with this fantasy, you shouldn't put your wife in a compromised situation (ie you should give up on it or get a divorce first). I know several people that have cheated, and none of the situations ever turned out well. Maybe I just know unlucky people. I'd say if you must do it, be prepared to live with the consequences of getting caught....

 

You answered your own question in your first post.

ITS A STUPID IDEA!​

If you must go that route make it a business transaction with someone who is in that "business". That way there are no emotional strings and she won't come looking for you later. You can also negotiate the price on all of those dirty things you want to do.

 

I did, and here' the result...

Like you I had many years of yearning for other women. I do not know why these fellings where so strong, but none the less, they existed and I lived with them every day.

Sometimes my life at home is troubled. My wife had a very hard life as a child, (sexual assault, mother with mental health issues, suicidal siblings etc etc) and these have scared her. She is as loving a person as you could hope she would be given her circumstances, but there is always a shadow over us. OK, boohoo for me. Enough.

Anyway, I was seduced by another woman. It took her 5 years to get me into bed, but I eventually ended up in a motel with her. For my part, I just wanted to have some FUN, nothing serious, nothing perminant. I was looking for sex without all the handups. ( I realize I'm doing some justification here)

The sex was pretty good. But then it was over, and I was left feeling very empty and with a feeling of guilt.

Was it worth it? I wish I could say yes, but really, it was so empty. My relationship with the other woman has been destroyed, so that's been a loss.

Will I do it again?.......depends on my frustration levels,....but I'd like to think not.