Tips on how to masturbate;


If you're a girl

1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.





If you're a boy

1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.

 

ROFLMFAO

It's just so bloody simple for you blokes!!!

 

hahaha amazing pic! simply loved it!

 

Better first tell them where and what the penis is!

 

Someone's been on sickipedia I see.

 

please do not copy and paste jokes from sickipedia. i'm sure most of us frequent there, we dont need you (and others i see) effectively spamming the forum. wow i sound so serious.

however a jokes thread may be in order? where we can copy and paste from sickipedia as much as we like.

 

is cool ;-)
das sind nunmal gewisse grundregeln die einzuhalten sind.

;-)

 

hahha

 

i'm a very good masdterbatetor I PLACED in the semifinals in my local msdtasrbatetign contest, so you know that i'm good and don't have to read no instreauctions!

 

Brilliant, Rich!

 

FYI: There are two threads that I know of for jokes/humor: "Some Stuff That I Found Amusing" in General Discussion and "Make Me Laugh" in Games. But if you're going to be so serious...???

As for me, I think this bit was so funny it deserves its own thread - thanks for the laugh, richief! So true!

 

That's a bit harsh - and I for one have never heard of sickipedia.......
plus I have read WAY worse spam. Go Rich

 

very interesting.

 

Well I was going to be rude and just tell you to fuck off, but others on here support my post. How have you got the the balls to tell me not to cut and paste from sickipedia, do you own that site, or are you just trying to stir up shit; I guess I was wrong and should have just been rude to you from the start so I suggest you just fuck off, iof you don't like it don't fucking read it.

Jeez It's true, I guess you can't see your keyboard anymore, is it just a big blur now.

I'm guessing from the spelling it's not that you don't need to read the instructions but can't.

 

That is some funny shit right there. Keep postin some of that.

 

yeah its funny and stuff, but just imagine pages and pages of unoriginal jokes replacing the usual discussions. if every time i found something i thought was so funny that it deserved its own thread other than one set up for the purpose of adding jokes then i'd definately be spamming. and it wasn't a go at you personally, others do it. just gets annoying.

 

This is just plain NOT true. Funny as hell. But not true.

 

It's a joke and people are laughing so I reckon I'm up on that front, you are the only one complaining, and I don't care.
If you want you can make as many threads as you like, we will then decide whether or not to reply to them, just make sure they are funny, insightful or interesting, otherwise we will ignore you and derail your thread.

 

i might just
it is a good joke though btw