Last night I had an idea and started writing. Unfortunately, by the time I reached the stopping point I'd planned I realized that the story just wasn't working. There are some interesting ideas there, but it turned out to be just too complicated. Anyway, the story is posted below (I had to break it into two parts), opinions are welcome, particularly thoughts on how I might rescue it.

---

The cell was comfortable, luxurious even, but the cyborged guard outside the door and the complete lack of outside access made it clear that it was still a cell.

They'd come for me just after I'd arrived on my college campus.

"Good morning Mr. Williams," the man had said. "I'm Agent Slade with Atlantea Security. I need for you to come with me please."

Though he'd said "please" it was quite obvious he hadn't intended it as a request.

"I'm an American citizen Agent Slade," I said. "Do you have a warrant?"

"No . . ."

I cut him off. "Then you can talk to me here."

"I'm afraid that's not possible."

"In that case," I said, walking into the building, "I have a class to attend. Good Day."

I figured that would be the end of it, just another piece of the harrasment I'd had to endure ever since I'd started speaking up against Terralune, the Terra-Luna world government. However, they turned out to still be waiting for me when class let out two hours later.

"Mr. Geoff Williams, under article 1306 of the Terralune penal code and by agreement with the State of Oregon of the United States of America you are under arrest for obstruction of justice."

---

I guess they were polite enough about it, but they still strip-searched me, removing my gear and net-ware down to my watch and a hidden tooth recorder. I was slightly amused that the clothes they provided afterward fit much better than I was used to, obviously tailor-made instead of off-the-rack. I might have noble genes, but my parents were commoners who'd won the genetic engineering fees in the world lottery, and I'd
grown up as a commoner.

After asking for a lawyer I cooperated, of course. After running the usual intelligence and psych profiles they went on to tests that I wasn't familiar with, some physical, others mental, keeping me in my private luxury cell between tests. All along they kept assuring me that I wasn't going to be harmed, but they were just following orders, they didn't know why I was needed. I stayed patient, knowing that eventually I'd either be released or they'd have to tell me what they wanted. Eventually, of course, they did.

 

Part 2

At first when the guard led me into the room I thought the woman behind the desk was just another tester.

"Good day Mr. Williams," she said. "I'm Roberta Custer. I know you have many questions, and I'll begin by saying that I have your answers. Before I can give them to you however, I need you to answer some questions, honestly and completely."

"What if I don't want your answers?" I said.

"What?" she said.

"What if I don't want your answers? I'm in opposition to the current government Ms. Custer. I don't know why you've put me through this, but if it involves working for the current government I'm not interested. I know what I want to do with my life, and becoming a part of the government isn't it."

She leaned back in her chair. I thought I'd managed to surprise her, but though I could judge commer reactions easily I hadn't been around enough nobles to be sure of theirs.

"Geoff Williams," Roberta's voice was musing, or maybe amused. "16 years old, to turn 17 in three days. MA in Ethiopian literature. MS in Technological Development. Working on a PhD which seems to involve sociomathematics. Black belt in Capoeira. Bronze gloves in Savate. Plays guitar, keyboard, and saxophone well enough to earn some money off downloads even with the little time he spends them. Speaks at least eight languages fluently. The first impression of nobles who meet him is that he has a huge chip on his shoulder from growing up among commoners." She grinned at me. "Those who know him better say that he's taken the idea that a noble who grows up among commoners should represent the commoner viewpoint much too seriously. Which is probably why he's deliberately avoided noble society."

"He gets along well with his family and has good, if what feel like shallow to him, relationships with friends of both sexes who he tries very hard not to dominate. Though he tests as heterosexual he has never had a sexual relationship. This is primarily because he can't imagine being in an equal relationship with a commoner and feels than a non-equal relationship would be demeaning to the commoner involved, and partly because he's embarrased by the Klea-6 genemod for increased male potency his parents gave him."

"Though he considers himself an adult, and is an adult in comparison with most commoners, he is actually still an adolescent, and has been, until now, unaware that there are those who feel that he is wasting his potential by trying to live as a commoner and would force him to live among nobles while he is still flexible enough to benefit from it."

I jerked in my chair, that last was, indeed, news to me.

"However, he has developed a moral compass and strength of will such that any effort strong enough to force a change on him would result in the loss of his current personality and almost certain destruction of his potential."

Roberta straighten in her chair and looked at me. "While most people would prefer to let him continue on his current path, there is a problem that only he can deal with. That doesn't mean he's the top candidate. At the moment, he's the only candidate, but he must still satisfy me that he can meet the requirements for the job."

Though it was obvious that Roberta's little speech had been specifically designed to get me to agree to go on, playing on a strange combination of my pride, curiosity, and humility, I couldn't help being affected. I considered that she might be lying, but immediately rejected the idea. She hadn't told me anything significant, and knew me well enough to know that if I found out later that she had lied the results would not be
good.

[more conversation needed to bridge to next segment]

"You dislike government secrets and feel there should be more public scrutiny of political figures, correct?"

"Yes?"

"How far does that go? What about their friends who aren't political?"

I thought about how to phrase my feelings. "Simply by being friends with a politician these people are involved with politics. However, the friends should have common privacy in matters that are outside their friendship."

"What about family? Suppose a politician's daughter embarrased herself, should it be plastered on the evening news?"

"Well, it would depend on what she did, but no. If it's something that just involves her, she should have the same privacy as anyone else."

She smiled. "Good. Now, you are psionic, yes?"

I grimaced, "Yes. Grade 3, theoretically capable of conscious telepathy and telepathic manipulation."

"Yet you refuse to use or train your gifts. Why?"

"Because it's a cheat. Either the things psi can do I can get in other ways, or the things I can't get in other ways are immoral anyway."

"Can you imagine valid uses of psi?"

"Oh sure. Research for example. Scientists don't doubt any more that psi exists, but they still don't have a theory to explain it."

Roberta nodded and stood up from behind the desk. "Please come with me."

We went out the door, down the hall, and through another door which led to what looked like a security room filled with the viewscreens.

We sat and Roberta began her explanation. "You probably heard about the accident eight months ago that killed the eldest son of the Britain's Crown Prince. Well, it wasn't an accident. It was a kidnapping attempt by a particularly vicious renegade noble. He'd planned to kidnap the prince and his sister, but didn't really care if they died instead. Prince George died." She flicked a switch on the console. "Princess Diana . . . did not."

One of the screens lit to reveal a young woman. Without a datasearch I couldn't be sure it was, in fact, Princess Diana, but I had no real reason for doubt.

Roberta's voice was cold and harsh. "It took World Security narly seven months and over 50 lives to get her back. During that time she was subjected to every sort of conditioning you can imagine. Physical torture, psionic influence, data manipulation of her implant computer, and even more. She no longer thinks of herself as a person. She only thinks of herself as the property of her kidnapper. We put clothes on her, she tears them off because he didn't want her to wear clothes. She sleeps on the floor without blankets because that's what he wanted. Simply mentioning his name causes her to race around looking for him. We can order her to do some things, but she refuses to use a computer or make a decision for herself." She drew a deep breath. "She's also been trained to . . . to . . ." Roberta, paused, drew a ragged breath and continued, "She been sexually conditioned. We can't break the conditioning without using sex, but she won't accept any pleasure which doesn't reinforce her current conditioning."

While Roberta recovered I looked at the woman on the screen. Naked except for some sort of chain around her throat, kneeling with legs spread, she couldn't have been older than 16. Blond and beautiful, of course, the British royal family had been recieving top of the line genemods since they first became commercially available. There was something about her though . . .

"Speaking as a psychologist Mr. Williams, I know there's no way to bring back the girl Diana used to be. The patterns used by her neurons have been permanently altered. I also know, however, that a lot of who she was is still there. Seven months of conditioning can't just erase fifteen years of development. Getting through that conditioning though will require something special. It will require a man with a strong will and libido; a grade 3 psionic who will reinforce the traits hidden by her conditioning; someone who's willing to take control, but who wants to see her independent; and, above all, someone who won't be tempted by her potential power in the noble community."

I'd already figured out where Roberta was going of course, but even knowing what she was going to say the words hit me hard. "She needs you."

I stared at the princess, outwardly the perfect slave girl. Except, I finally realized, for her eyes. That was what had been bothering me. Those beautiful blue eyes weren't blank, or dull, or cowed, they were . . . patient. Those eyes said Diana was waiting, waiting for something she'd never had and might never have, but waiting just the same.

"Yes." I said woodenly, tossing away the future I'd planned for myself. "I'll do it."

 

but it turned out to be just too complicated

I wont insult you by suggesting you make it less so, because I know you wouldn't be asking that if you can dream this up.

Its a very bold attack, I think it would need to be a novella length work.

Dare I say, perhaps start with an example of the sexual part with the character? I think that would be a hook.

And then build the complexity of plot into the story over chapters.

I just feel I understand why you would have stalled. I do when I overwhelmed myself with facts etc. I guess I'm trying to say I felt overwhelmed, but I don't think I would if these facts became apparent over a longer discourse.

And if you kept me reading due to what this sex could 'do for me' by way of fantasy.. I think that would keep my interest to read and absorb the details better.

So its a good idea, and worth the effort to develop it, if you will.

I wish I could give more specifics, but I don't think you need too sharp a point in any case.

 

lol The problem being that if I remove even one of the complications I don't have the story I thought of. Psi, genetic engineering, space travel, world government, implant computers, take away any of them and story falls apart. I'd have to go back and determine the story I could tell with those elements removed, and it's probably not worth the effort.

That's a thought. The main character starts out sexually repressed, for a variety of reasons, but I still might be able to do something with that. Anyone have any thoughts about how to present the sexual thoughts of a repressed character?

Part of the reason I quit was the realization that I'd need to do some psychological research into war trauma, kidnapping, hostage situations, and the whole "Stockholm Syndrome" stuff. I was thinking it would take a year or more to learn everything I needed. Now that I've had a good rest I'm thinking that I might be able to pick up what I need in just a couple of weeks if I can find the right resources.

How about the main character(s)? Do people have problems relating to him(them)? I realize there are popular "genius-superman" stories out there, but did I do it right or create a character people just can't relate to? What can I do to make the character(s) more easy to relate to?

 

Ok I read it again. I made notes, and throw em out here in hopes you'll get some juice from the pulp, or so.

As to your research.. do what you feel, but I think you write with enough authority that I believe you already, if that's your concern. Unless your niche for this story is SO nerdish that they may dispute you. ala a start treck convention.

I like his character. He's against stuff.. so sure he'll do. relate wise. lol

Perhaps a dream you start with.. even a quick one.. and then he wakes in the cell.. as a way to get around the fact he's repressed.. you know. a dream of happier days will always be believed.. and could serve to ease in.. I'm having trouble with understanding this hierarchy you suggest amongst other things.. I'm a fan of Larry Niven's sci-fi and this reminds me slightly of one of his stories.

Now I tried my best to absorb the strangeness of this new world you take me too.. and I got over whelmed again..by about the spot you say
[more conversation needed to bridge to next segment]

then it hit me.. I need a BREAK.. so Maybe have him try and escape.. jail break.. ok.. he don't get very far...BUT.. it could add time for me to absorb the future shock blow you've dealt me so far.. put me back in my comfort zone. for a few mins. foreshadow perhaps what is going on in this facility the guy is being kept in and what he's really up against from his captors, for which I have almost no feeling for so far... so far I am not sure how nasty.. corrupt or whatever this new world gov is --he's in a nice cell.. well.. maybe the world is a utopia? if that is a point you wish to make stronger? maybe its not important later in which case dun worry about it..

you see this type of sex control you speak of would be a shock enough to me.. you're already asking a lot of me.. I'm interested..BUT.. you better tickle me early on with an example of what I'm gonna get down the track I think.. as your reader who isn't used to the ideas you are suggesting I mean.. if your writing for the treckies.. well.. ok I guess you can power drive in more coz they will be like.. yeah yeah,, we got it.. hurry up!.. hehehe

perhaps what he saw on the screen, he can see during his escape in some cell or so.?. maybe he uses his psonic powers during an escape in a way that indirectly allows me to imagine how else these could be used..and even what they are (yep..I'm that clueless.hehehe) AND.. then after he's caught or whatnot.. then he continues his conversation with 'the snow queen' (details again) and then decides to do it carrot and stick.

And I don't know how important the woman doing the interview is..BUT.. ok I'm not afraid of her nor whom she represents, nor can I see why the main character is.. so yeah.. maybe I see her as a clerk reading off details which tell me about HIM.. after his escape attempt, I'd see her as.. OO OO.. better do what the fuck she tells me.. or.. you know.. at least I will know what the consequences might be.. but maybe she has little to do with what happens later and was only there to illustrate him.. which was a good way of doing it I think.

The most I feel I know where you're going, is at the very last paragraph or so.. it would be great if you could start from there if you know what I mean.. all respect given to the fact that it would be a total rewrite..but.. well.. like I said.. this is all pulp I'm spraying in hopes you may juice something from my reflections any way you please as you see fit.

Last thoughts.. yeah I would like a demo of these powers and what they can do for ME the reader right up front.. like MY benefits.. at least a bait.. if I buy them.. ok.. I'll try harder to absorb the details which I find I'm swimming in with out knowing why I'd be bothered just yet.. and yes its well written and imaginative fare.