I'm happily married, but equally frustrated with the lack of sex. After our second child my wife has completely lost her drive. We casually talk about it, but nothing ever comes of it. I feel a bit embarrassed to just come right out and say this is something I need, although I feel like it's a necessary step. However, I don't want pity sex either. My wife who used to be very adventurous is now quite dull and boring with sex. The spice is gone. Her idea of sex is her lying on her back now.

I find myself strolling the CL boards for casual encounters, but I remain faithful. I have even considered a NSA BJ from some of the men posting thinking that isn't cheating, but at the end of the day, I would still be unfaithful.

I suppose the first step is to talk to my wife about it. Any suggestions?

 

You've considered it but now is the time to do it. Talk to her!!! Don't be embarrassed. Sex is normal and fun and a great form of exercise. This is your wife and the woman you want to be with(hopefully) for the rest of your life? Talk to her or you're on the path to a terribly disappointing and sexless marriage or a divorce. I take it neither are appealling to you.

See??? Now doesn't talking about your needs seem like a much easier task?

 

Well, I'm not married, and don't have any kids.. Is she taking any kind of medication? That may lower her sex drive.. or stress.. even diet. Have you tried taking her out just you two, romantic trip-- maybe a hotel where she's not worried about the kids etc?
Goodluck! And props on being faithful.. we need more men out there like you! :rose:

 

I'm way too young to even have an opinion on this, but I warmly admire your decision to sort it out rather than just cheat on her.

 

I understand your pain as I have been married 28 years to a similar woman. I have never physically cheated on her. I have met someone online and we have done a lot with each other with just words. My wife would consider it cheating so I guess that makes me a cheater. I love my wife and am also happy with my online relationship but let me warn you before you go there. It gets complicated in you own head. You have to decide if that's what you want to do.

Talk to her as I've tried talking to my wife. I wish you better success than I've had.

 

Sit her down and talk to her in a loving, non-confronting way. It sounds like there may be a hormonal imbalance at play here.

I'm in a similar situation after 25 years of marriage but my wife has a medical condition that is untreatable and makes it physically painful for her to have sex. Lord love her she has tried but I can't enjoy it when she is wincing in pain. We once had a very vibrant sex life including swinging, but no more.

I too have considered NSA encounters but can't bring myself to risk everything for little more than assisted masturbation.

Good luck and know you are not alone.

 

Let's see:

1. Two children to care for
2. A house to maintain
3. Bills to pay
4. Does she work outside the home
5. Does she get any time to herself to do something only for her, not for the family

She's tired - plain and simple. And speaking from experience - after the demands of a normal day, the last thing she feels is sexy. At times, she will look on sex as just another demand for her time and attention. The rise and fall of her hormones can also have a lot to do with her lack of interest.

Most women go through this - it's normal. You have to speak with her and figure out how you can help. She may want to discuss this with her doctor.

 

buy her a Rabbit

 

Now that's simplistic and really won't help with whatever is the under lying cause.

 

Thanks for this. I have had a brief chat with someone about getting together but the closer we got to doing it, the less I was interested. I'm still very much into my marriage and far to faithful to go through with it.

 

You see this is also an issue for us. She doesn't have any underlying conditions, and I'm not a genetic freak either. I consider myself perfectly average. However a lot of stuff seems to hurt her despite being ready, wet or lubed. I just can't put it all the way in or go very hard because it hurts her. I suppose it could be a lot worse and I realize that after your post above. Thanks.

 

Some of this is true, but I'm an above average husband. I admit, I work a lot and it's not nearly as busy at work as it is at home but the minute I walk through the door I take over with the kids (except for breast feeding).

She works, but not right now. She has 14 months off.

Yes, she cleans non stop around the house because it's becoming more like an OCD thing for her. I have never see someone do laundry so frequently.

Last night she slept over 10 hours. I slept 6. That's pretty common. I know caring for kids is a tough job, I do it for her as much as I can, but what kind of life is passing out at 9 pm every night and sleeping until 7 am and sometimes 8?

Anytime she wants time to herself it's there. In fact I practically forced her out of the house the other night to go do some retail therapy.

Money is not an issue. Things are tighter because she's not working, but it's doable. Not a concern as long as we don't get silly.

 

Thanks for all the input everybody. I think everybody helped to contribute a little bit here. I imagine since it's only been 6 weeks since our second child; hormones are playing a large part here. Someone mentioned hormones earlier....

I will continue to be patient and contribute as much as I can on the home front. Although I don't get any recognition for it, and I'm not looking for it, I'm doing a fantastic job as a father. I just hope I can be a good husband like I have been in the past.

Now that we have two kids I can see how marriages can drift apart.

 

They can indeed drift apart. That is what happened to my first marriage. It's good that you are talking with her about it, but to be honest, perhaps you both should go to a little counseling. She may very likely be suffering from postpartum depression. Even if she is not, a good couple therapist will be able to help you both work through your intimacy issues.

If I hadn't been stubborn when my ex suggested it, we might still be together today. But no, I was too prideful and thought we could fix it ourselves. I was wrong.

 

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Can't be said enough. I may very well be possible that it's hormone related from having a child (every pregnancy is different, so previous experience isn't always an indicator), and that in time she will get back to being her normal self. All the reasons listed above are rational and possible. But the bottom line, is to see a doctor/counselor and get help when you need it. Not always easy I know.

My wife and I are diabetic. A couple of years ago, they switch her meds to a drug called Byetta (sp). She was instantly on a roller coaster with her sugar levels that left her constantly tired, worn out, irritable, and anti-social. Her entire personality changed, hell even the kinds of foods she liked changed. It was like suddenly living with a different person. Sex went out the window so fast it was like flipping a switch.

I spent over a year with her on that drug because the doctor kept telling her her body would adjust. My wife is kind of passive and I don't think she was letting the doctor know just how much it was effecting her. Finally, my wife did and they switched her meds again. It took another 5 - 6 months, but I finally got my wife back.

Pregnancy is a lot like that in that it totally wracks a woman's body chemistry. If something isn't right, if it doesn't feel right, then have it checked out. I know it's not always easy. We all like to think, that we control who we are and how we feel, and what goes on with our bodies. But a lot of time? We really don't. You need open communication with her, and the she (or even the two of you) need open communication with her doctor and if the problem still persists, then counseling for sure.

Keep in mind all the time WHY you fell in love with her (as I am sure you are doing) and work on getting that back.

 

Is it just the intercourse itself or sex in general? I am sure it's a stupid question/suggestion, but If I was going to have someone 'help' me masturbate as someone had mentioned, then I would want it to be my wife before someone else providing that didn't cause her discomfort. Same could be said of pleasing her, if I could do that without the part that is causing her pain. i.e. (as a lesbian I knew once said) fingers, tongues and toes Oh My! :laughing:

 

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Yeah 6 weeks, and I realize that there is healing time and what not. But what I didn't say is that it's been about 7 months since we've had sex. Bleh...

But I agree, I'm trying to be patient and let her get back on track, but 7 months is a heck of a long time to be patient.

Thanks again.

 

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How would a nice blow job from a buddy do?