loved part I and looking forward to your further adventures

 

Well, since this is a brief story, I'll give a play by play rather than a broad overview.

-Right off the bat, I usually advise against opening a story, particularly an inaugural story, with any kind of "This is my story, it's about X," etc summary, as that just kills your writer's voice before you've even started. I realize that this is confessional writing, presented as factual rather than fictional, but even so, form is important. You almost never open a book, even an autobiographical one, and see a writer do this. Your story, if it's strong enough, will speak for itself.

-Talking about your development is a reasonably good opening, as it grounds the story, invites the reader to relate to the narrator (technically you, but hereafter referred to as a character just for the sake of avoiding awkwardness) on a very personal level, and establishes the coming of age theme.

-The boyfriend never even gets a name, which is a little awkward. Of course, this is perhaps because he's ultimately unimportant, but if that's the case then we've spilled a whole lot of ink on him for little reason. There's an awful lot going on in this long paragraph; emotional conflict, manipulation, self-deception, objectification, longing, desire, emotional abuse, and a burgeoning but fragile sense of independence. This is all awesome stuff and the kind of material that great stories are made of, but it's densely packed into what is really just the preamble of this story. The whole bad relationship has the makings of a full story in itself.

-Starting "in media res" might be cliche, depending on who you ask, but I still encourage it. With that in mind, this post break-up scene with Sarah is really where the story ought to start, in my opinion. I say this for a few reasons:

1. This scene is what the story is all about; Sarah. So why not start with Sarah?

2. Beginning in the midst of the conflict would create tension and drama, and give readers reason to continue reading in order to find out what happened to incite the circumstances we're introduced to. The rest of the information, which is more or less just background, can be furnished in brief through dialogue.

3. That dialogue would give us more Sarah, which is what this story really needs. Like I said, it seems to me that she's the keystone for this entire story; the conflict is about the narrator, and it's touched off by the boyfriend, but Sarah is the crux of the whole story. We need to hear more about and, more importantly, from her. Let her speak, give her more dialogue, let the character have a voice. A relationship has two sides, and both of them need to come through if the reader is going to believe in the relationship.

-The romantic element is really quite touching, and it's the best thing your story has going for it. I would keep developing that, in fact, I would run with it as far as possible. There's a real emotional core there and that's something you should be proud of. Keep playing up that emotional element, because that's what storytelling is; when your audience feels what you feel, that's the connection everyone is looking for. It's a hell of a thing. Don't lose that.

 

Wow Blackronin, that is easily the most detailed feedback I've gotten thus far. I agree with much of what you've said and will take it into consideration if and when I get around to a re-write. I did start working on part two taking into consideration the feedback I've gotten. I want to get a few stories under my belt before I get into rewriting so that I develop a bit more skill first. Since you did such a great job of explainig your opinion I'll address the individual things you've said.

I understand what you're saying about the opening. Likely it will be largely removed from any rewrite. That said, I do feel it is sadly important to point out that it actually is a true story so that will be left in. Being that it is my first story I thought that explaining myself was a good idea, Also I'm not aiming to be great literature, just to get these stories out there.

I'm glad you liked the opening of the actual story for the most part.

The boyfriend part of the story was easily the most difficult to write. You are right that it could be a story in itself, but I don't really like those types of stories. However he is an important part for my story as Sarah and I may never have gotten together if it weren't for him. What ended up happening was I rushed through it so it would be done with. That said, many people have told me that they do like that part and it should have more detail. It is a strange feeling for me that something which isn't a very pleasant part of my past turns some people on. Currently I'm keeping my mind open about it. I figure I'll expand upon that part of the story in any rewrite.

As I take it you are advising I start the story talking about Sarah a bit and then giving the background? I'm not sure it would flow well for me. I feel like the story might lose some of it's natural rhythm if I try something like that. What may be a good idea is to mention Sarah sooner so that it doesn't seem like she is popping out of thin air. Something like that may make the story feel more complete and have a similar effect for you.

I don't think writing dialogue is really my strong suit so I have been dancing around it a little bit. Also being that it is a true story from several years ago I am trying to be true to my memories and naturally I don't remember exact things that were said. I need to work on embellishing based on what happened, which has proved to be difficult for me. Part two does have a bit more dialogue so far, perhaps it will be enough.

I'm really glad you felt connected to the emotional side of the story. I find it easiest to write when the words sort of spill out of you and that aspect of the story was the most like that. It is exciting to share what I felt with her tot he world. My only fear is not doing it enough justice.

I can't wait to see what people think of part two!

 

Liked the story, nice emotion. Sorry, don't have alot of detailed advice like others... but look at feedback being a gift.

Nice start! :excited:

 

Hmm, that's sort of what I'm saying. In a nutshell, this is how I would write it (which of course is no indication that this is the best way to write it, but be that as it may):

-Open with the narrator (you) in her room, crying, distraught, possibly talking to Sarah on the phone and telling her to come over.

-Sarah arrives, comforts her a bit, asks what's wrong (now we've got Sarah and the narrator together in the same room and being intimate within the first few hundred words, which in my mind is ideal since, again, that's the whole point of the story).

-Drop the exposition as the narrator explains to Sarah about the break-up (probably interjecting with comments of her own that would tell us something about the history of the relationship, ie. "You mean even after all those times you XYZ for him he treated you this way?" etc). Ideally I would do this through dialogue, but if you don't feel your dialogue is up to snuff then narration works too.

-Segue into the sex scene.

Now, again, this is just one way to do it, and it's how I would do it, and it's a product of my particular prejudices (against linear structure and extended prologues) and proclivities. But I think it has certain things to recommend it, first being that the opening would generate a sense of drama (Sarah wants to find out what's wrong and so does the reader), the important emotional content and relationship now form the central pillar of the story rather than the "rear engine" model you have now, in which it's all in the last half of the story, and it unifies the narrative around one specific day and incident (then garnished with references to the past while the present stays grounded in the bedroom scene) rather than a more sprawling series of events that lightly touches on separate anecdotes over the course of over a year. This, I think, is a structure that would emphasize the most effective parts of the story.

Ultimately of course it's your story and the most important thing is how you feel about it. Certainly there are arguments to be made in favor of the structure you've chosen instead. No matter what, you should think about what the story is trying to say and what the most important elements are and write in such a way as to bring those to the forefront. You've made a big decision to publicly express yourself, and that's a wonderful thing, so give your message every chance you can to reach your reader.

Traditionally, dialogue is the hardest thing to write. I'm ass-backwards in that I love writing dialogue and hate writing narrative. Read something like "The Company of Wolves" (/selfpromotion) and you'll see exactly how far I'll go to cheat around having to write more than three narrative sentences in a row. It's smart that you're playing to your strengths, and that you've picked first-person narration for the story, since that allows you to give us the most insight into the central narrating character (you) while allowing for as little spoken dialogue from her as possible. Still, you can't let the other characters get swept under the rug. It's hard.

Congrats on the story, and keep it up. Good luck with everything in the future.