Have you tried something very simple, healthy suppliments that are supposed to aid a woman'e sex drive? It could be as simple as a missing chemical in her body. I know that my diet has a lot to do with how much sex I desire.

 

I'm in a similar situation. Sex was great for the first six months, though to be honest we were drunk a lot of that time. Then we got closer, the intimacy increased & the alcohol was less. Sex started to decrease. My gf told me around then that the sex we had had a few nights earlier that week was the first time she'd had sex sober. It was very difficult for her to cope with her anxiety.

It seemed the former alcohol wasn't really just a social lubricant, but more self medication: a means to reduce clarity of thought in order to block difficult emotions.

Everything else was great about the relationship. We were together for two years before we finally got married, That was eight years ago. The problems remain but we're still together. We probably have sex once a year, maybe.

Just as you described, we have the occasional failed attempts at doing something. She has the same feelings of wanting to feel normal & tries to push against her anxieties & fears.

Clearly something is causing these feelings & thoughts.

In our case, we both have mental health problems that originate in our pasts. They don't define us, but they do shape us. My wife was abused as a child & as an adult. She now has a diagnosis of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). She's working on it, with support.

It's great that you & your gf can communicate so well. You listed some of the thought's she's told you she has while anxious. The awareness of this is very positive.

Does your gf feel she has a problem? If so, I'd strongly recommend counselling, possibly CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). CBT is short term, aiui, & from my own experience, offers a set of mental tools which can be used to deal with broken thought processes, like the extreme anxiety your gf experiences.

You both might find couples therapy helpful. I don't know where you are, but in the UK, 'Relate' are a good choice.

If your gf has deep problems, psychotherapy might be the way to go, though that is a long process.

All choices that offer a chance to overcome these problems have something in common. They're damned hard work. The prize is worthwhile however

I have anxiety problems myself (more social than sexual for me) & I should add that the thoughts you described your wife having while anxious were all familiar to me. I can't speak for your wife, but I can tell you what causes them for me; maybe that will help explain something (though you seem pretty tuned in already).

Intimacy is seen as a threat. Previous experience shows it to be nothing but a source of pain. One must defend against this at all costs. To defend, one needs to know the enemy, which is now potentially the whole world. This requires a great deal of effort; one needs to keep a close eye on everything.

One tries to predict the future (to avoid incoming threats) & steer it on a course that keeps one safe. This requires control over ones environment, including the people in it at times. 'One' is probably a control freak.

Then there's the desperation to please others. That was/is me too. As a young child I watched my parents marriage break up in a quite vitriolic manner; I now don't like conflict & attempt to avoid it by pleasing people - does my head in, lol. Anyway, I'm just trying to say I empathize with your gf - tell her she's not alone.

There are many psychological approaches to helping with such problems. For all of them, the principal factor in determining success is the person with the problem. It will cost time, effort & pain. It's worth it, but they have to believe that, at least eventually. Good luck to both of you.

 

Where were you a few weeks ago when I asked this question? Honest, Helpful Advice Welcome? The wife and I have been together for over 27 years, married for 25 in those years since she met me I'm still a metal headed, philosopher, poet, musician, good husband and friend to her. Everything slowed down when I was a chef full time and an alcoholic which was going in the path my wife liked closer to settling down less sex with good food but, I was miserable with it and found weight lifting and the science behind the best in strength and performance! 8 years later my diet has changed but, I still smoke cigarettes what got me to quit drinking was a need to do something with passion. The wife has gotten to that point where sex is never initiated, if only by me (that hasn't changed with her religious upbringing) she'll do most that I ask but, my energy needs movement and reciprocation without asking and she just lies there taking it. I could ask her to her knees, in a different position do this, do that: but, what good is a good book if you know the ending Why? because you wrote it every time! I've taught her a lot about herself sexually with her it's more like theory rather than experimenting on her own with me (if I thought it would help) or another with my full permission. She's bull headed so I choose my words so that I don't accuse, demand or ultimatum but, I'm getting stronger and after smoking will have completed what I believe to be a new chapter in my life? She wants matching recliners while I want to go to a real good gym and improve our physical lives together and I feel if I pursue my dreams of elite training she'll be left behind, tired and out of shape. I'm not ready to get old it'll happen all on it's own and I'm enjoying the challenges? Thoughts and Feelings?

 

It is difficult... I am a very "active" person and know what I want when it comes to sex. I love to try new things and be adventurous...unfortunately found myself in a situation as of late as to what to do. I am the entertainer, the c'mon let's go, make it hot and exciting but the person I am with is the exact opposite. No desire for the "fun" as opposed to the just get what I need and guess you need to take care of yourself. I have made myself into a slut (which is not necessarily a bad thing )to make it pleasing yet, I have been condemned because I want too much. Have been told "can't you just be happy with what you got?" Nothing more frustrating being filled with so much desire only to be turned away or more so "on call". Sincerely, Left Smoldering

 

Let's for our sex lives sake that we ever,"Get Comfortable With What We Got!" What asshole says that?

 

DUMP HER, if you are sour on sex already, what do you think will happen when you marry.....I am still with my wife, because sex with her is almost different every time, even after 10 yrs. of marriage. If your at BF/GF stage, move around man.....

 

One little thing to add my previous post... I didn't want to tell it first, because I don't want some "wanna-be-master" to get the wrong ideas (I don't mean OP). For me, the most relieving experience has been, that after I was sure about his love and desire, he stopped asking my permission... I don't mean forcing! No! I mean he has this attitude, that he knows what he wants and how he gets it. He still listened me, but not my words, but bodylanguage, and pushed me over the edge, so to speak ;-) I wish I could explain better, what I mean, but if you have something to ask, PM me.

 

I disagree.

Me and my fiance hardly have sex, because her drive is SO low. Infact I have a feeling her drive is much more responsive to other women.

We have an open relationship that SHE offered me. I can now persue my nymphomaniac urges with certain people while remaining in a relationship with my fiance.

Plus she wants to fuck other girls.

Basically OP, if she ain't giving it to you, ask for an open relationship. If she doesn't like the idea well...

 

Bra don't blame her.it sounds like your the problem(no offense).you need to make her feel sexy and get her in "freak mode".you have to do your part and turn her into a freak under the sheets

 

You have obviously never been in a relationship where this is the problem. No matter what you do nothing works and that's the problem. I understand what your trying to say but in a situation like this there is no turning on the "freak".

As for everyone else thanks for your advice and stories it really helps get through this frustrating time.

I don't want an open relationship I want a solution to the problem, like I stated before she used to be crazy in bed having sex multiple times a day but then it all just died off mostly from what I'm finding is from the medicine.

I like the idea of maybe trying something herbal or something of that kind. The only question is how do I go about bringing that up and suggesting it? Any ideas or tips. I dont want it to be like I'm attacking her and guilting her into taking something if she's not comfortable.

Lastly I picked up a book a member here who posted earlier in the thread suggested I read so I'm going to give that a read through and try to maybe have her read it too. Again any ideas how I suggest that, it's a odd feeling to be like " hey read this book on how to fix our relationship" haha

Thanks again keep the comments and stories coming everything helps

 

Try leaving the book somewhere she'll find it and hope she picks it up? It'd work on me because I'd care what my husband is reading, and why.
No real good ideas on how to get her to try taking supplements though, I'm sorry.

 

Thanks that's a good idea. The only question is what do I say if she ask's about it?

 

If she asks about it, ask if she's read it, what chapter she's on. Talk about how you thought it was a great book, and your happy she's reading it. Talk about the parts of it that you thought applied to you...of course not her, not yet, but you. Hopefully if she finishes the book, then you can have a real discussion.

 

I can attest to this fact! Talking about sex even non-sensual things gets my mind in the right mode as well as my husband. That is why we text, email, chat, vid cam, write notes, leave notes around, all the time to keep the other interested sexually. Some people use porn, we use discussions. We talk about sex all the time. I work in a highly charged sexual environment quite often and those days I come home with the residual effect of begin super horny! Discussing what I have learned, read, studied, what took place at work, etc. charges my husband up as well as me all the more. I honestly believe this is a major reason I am so turned on all the time! When my husband or I travel we even ramp up the sex discussions so keep the other thinking of our sexuality. We have some great self sex even when apart thanks to talking about a book we are reading or a sexual subject we are researching.

I also mentioned trying supplementation. My husband & I are both very active physically in addition to eating super well and supplementing our diets with vitamins & minerals we might not get in our food. When traveling, I do not take all my supplements with me plus it is difficult to eat as well as when home and I can feel the lethargy kick in which of course translates into less desire for sex. Read up on it and you will find more than enough evidence to prove that what I am saying is correct. Along with exercise eating well and supplementing certain items helps sex tremendously!

So you have a few more things to try out as well as what others have input!

 

Thanks for the advice I'm going to give the leaving the book out a shot once I'm done reading it. Trying to be nice and help her relax I got her a massage for tomorrow (I give her massages but again she's never in the mood even for that) and so that way she dosn't feel like I want it to lead to sex or like she owes me anything in return. She can just relax and destress a little, hopefully it helps her relax. Good Idea on my part? Also does anyone know any supplements that might help? Thanks again guys I look forward to hearing from you all.

 

I went through this with my ex wife...it was pretty simple, there were two problems.
1. I had a chemical imbalance due to antidepressants
2. I was way too kinky there were things I could never express that I wanted (bi, threesomes, dp, etc.)

If you have a loving open relationship definitely try to work it out. Believe me doctors (especially female one's) are great at making suggestions on increasing libido.
I agree with the suggestions for fantasy talk, maybe there are hidden demons in her as well?

 

Whhhhaaaaaa??? Seriously? She doesn't want a massage? Is she human? Is she really a female? I am not joking here, check down under and make certain she is a she! I DO NOT KNOW any females that would not let someone massage them as long as it were not sexual. I looooovvvvvve massages and so do all my friends. I also looovvvvee sexual massages but that has notthing to do with a regular massage. There is something seriously going on with this gal, if in fact she is a gal.

 

So last night after weeks of no sex we got into bed and I notice she is more awake than usual. Every now and then she'll go to the other side of the bed be quiet for awhile then roll over and be totally in the mood. She says taking a minute to clear her head and get totally in the mood really helps. I will be honest though part of me didn't want to have sex, I just wasn't interested which I found odd but my drive has been decreasing a lot since this dry spell started months ago. But figuring her being in the mood dosn't come often we started to get into it. Something was different though she was kissing me with passion, I was fingering her and she was moving her hips and breathing heavy and was completely soaked ( she's usually stiff as a board and very quiet), and when she came from that I couldn't move my fingers she was so tight. Then we started to have sex and she was loving each thrust her face said it all which again wasn't like her it was so hot exactly the sex I've been looking for. So what changed we didn't do anything different prior that day or even week, everything has been the same. I'm going to talk to her and see if something was different so hopefully we can get on the right path to better things. Should I tell her what I said above about what was different and how much I enjoyed it. I want to reassure her that she can be that sexy woman she used to be.

 

Get out while you can

Take some advice from someone who knows my friend. I've been married for 23 years and my wife was exactly the same as your GF. Because we were both young I just thought things would get better but believe me it won't. We've been to counselling and a sex therapist but she simply can not enjoy sex. Even though I love her and we have two teenage kids if I could go back in time I'd walk away. Night after night, year after year of laying awake with unbearable sexual frustration has ruined my life and led to bouts of deep depression. Run my friend, run, run, run....

 

I sent her an email like I mentioned before and here are a few snips from her reply. I just took parts to cut down the length. So what do you guys think? I kind of feel like there's nothing I can do, so any advice or tips if this sounds like something you've been through. Keep in mind while reading this she is 5ft 2in 95lbs small B's an amazing ass and a flat stomach you'll understand why I'm mentioning this as you read.

As for the topic at hand, you know that sex has been a weird topic for me since we started dating, and I've really been trying to work on it. I know it might be a little weird or disrespectful and it isn't as much fun as being spontaneous, but taking those ten minutes before hand to settle my mind really helps a lot. I'm really sorry that you haven't been in the mood, I know that it's probably difficult with me being the way I am about this. I just don't see myself as a sexual person I guess? I'm not sure if that makes sense. I've never had a really good body image, and I know that the way I see myself dictates how other people see me, so that's been something I've been trying to work on.

You can tell me I'm pretty and tell me I'm sexy and give me all the compliments in the world, but that stupid voice inside my head can find a million and one excuses for me to disregard what you say. So then I'm stuck with all of my own insecurities that I make into big deals by thinking about them all the time and worrying constantly about them compounded with the fact that the voice in my head is convincing me that nothing good that anyone ever tells me is true.

That all being said, I've been really trying to make an effort to take the nice things you say to me all the time to heart and try to be more comfortable with myself. I think that it's a good first step because I know I haven't been very good in that aspect of our relationship. I've read a lot online, and I was thinking about the supplements you were talking about and then I get even more freaked out because in the last year or so I've started so many medications that I don't usually take and then I think that normal people don't take this many pills and what is wrong with me that I have all these issues. I seem like a mess lol. I'm more than willing to read the book you're reading and try any suggestions that you have. Just remember that I'm really making an effort and that sometimes I might be stubborn because I'm me and change is hard, but I agree and I want this to be resolved so it's not a dark cloud over our heads. I love you and I'm sorry