Ok this might be a little long but please bear with me cause I really do need as much input as possible.
So here it goes:
I am military and so is my wife. We have been together for about 2 1/2 years and we lived together for the first year of that. Well she got moved by the military overseas which was about 4000 miles away from me. We decided that we were going to make it work and talk all the time and do little things to help us. Well everything was going great had a great relationship before she moved and after. We decided to get married and in January we had our wedding. Well ever since the wedding she had gotten really distant. We talk through our phones all the time through google. So it's pretty much like texting. So March 31st comes around and she talked to me a little in the morning and then she said she was going to a movie with her friends. Cool. So later on I went to write something on her facebook and saw that she was tagged at the club. She never said she was going there. Meanwhile I'm trying to get a hold of her and can't. Well 14 hours goes by and she finally wakes up and messages me back. She said she went to a friends house afterwards and eventually I found out she was lying and she really spent the night at some guys house with the friends she went to the club with. I had suspicions she was with the guy and something happened between them. She claimed nothing did.

The days following we talked and she apologized for lying and said she would never do it again. Well the next weekend the same thing happened, went out drinking didn't message slept at that dudes house again except she spent friday and saturday at his house and lied about it. Eventually she came clean. I probably didn't do the right thing and told her I didn't believe her that nothing happened and I accused her of having an affair. Then comes a few weeks ago. She said she was going over to the neighbors house to drink and she did. She left her skype/webcam on so when she came home at like 6am I heard her talking to a guy.. Then I hear her walk upstairs and shut the laptop and not even acknowledge me. She swears nothing happened that day besides them talking. (I believe her now and I'll tell you why in a minute)

Well I found out april 1st that I would be soon going to live with her. I reported here on the 1st of June. So she's sleeping and the guy I thought she was messing around with texts her. I pretend I'm her and long story short find out through him and then her later that she had an affair 3 weeks ago. It was after the times I have previously mentioned and she still swears nothing happened then. She said I was being overly pushy and saying that she cheated so much that she just went ahead and did it. She said the affair is over but she said she blew him 1 time then had sex with him two separate times after that with also giving him a bj.

I love this woman to death but with all the lying she has done in the past 2 months I don't know if I can take this anymore but am quite scared cause I just got a divorce about 3 years ago after that marriage falling apart due to other reasons besides being faithful. The cheating just stabbed me in the heart. After she told me she didn't cry at all and told me she was super sorry but didn't really show too much affection or emotion at all.

I need to know what you would all do if you were in my position. Keep in mind right now I have no car no belongings because my stuff from my house is being shipped here and wont be here in about a month. I sold my car before I came here to pay for my house I'm selling and will be upside down on. And all my friends and family are stateside.

I asked her if she would be ok with me cheating on her to get back at her just to see what she would say, but I would honestly never do that to anyone. She said if it makes me feel better to go through with it. But again I never would.

Please tell me what you guys would do or please give me some advise.

 

No one?

Or is it too long to read?

 

I'd divorce her, unless you like to share

No one likes a cheater :/

 

This is probably not my area of expertise, but I'll give it a go. You were the one that posted the question here, so if any answer doesn't fit your bill, well, that's your problem

So, she cheated on you. Stuff like that happens all the time, especially when you are apart for a long time like you were. Some people manage to stay faithful, but a lot of people don't. But from what I read, your biggest problem is not that she had sex with another guy, but that she lied about it.

You know what? Of course she lied. Everybody lies when asked about something they don't want the other person to find out about - especially if they think they can get away with it. I bet you have lied to her too about stuff you have done that you think she wouldn't approve of.

So my advice is: Forgive and forget. If you love her, you will be able to. This was something that happened because you were apart for a long period of time.

I know there are issues here that I haven't touched on, but if you love her and really want to stay with her, those are irrelevant.

(You're not telling what it is she wants though...)

 

Get rid of her. She's a liar and a cheater. You don't need that. You need someone who is faithful. Just because people are apart for long periods doesn't give them a free pass to cheat like she did.

 

Only you know whether the relationship is something you're prepared to fight for and whether you can get past the lies in order to trust her again.

What struck me when I read your post is that you were so willing to accuse her of having an affair even before anything happened. Is it possible you have issues from your first marriage that you need to work through in order to be able to trust her?
I have never and would never cheat on a partner, but I have to say if I faced the Spanish inquisition every time I went on a night out the relationship wouldn't last all that long.

Good luck, I hope you find a way through.

 

Sorry, I didn't know I was talking to saints here. As 25% of the population would cheat at one time or another, there probably wouldn't be many marriages left after you got through.

I'm not saying it's a "free pass". I'm saying it happens. If this is something that has happened this one time, forgive and forget. If it happens again, dump her.

Btw Jerry: love your signature - I wonder how you would feel if you lead a married woman into temptation.

 

Cheating happens but, lying is another story? We fall in love and when things aren't going right it's up to us to be straight forward with each other whether we're lonely or feel the other is not listening a marriage should afford the honesty to state our case! In a situation like your in it would've been perfectly understandable for either of you to feel alone and disconnected (she should've at least given you that in words) and when we do fuck up or cheat it's our responsibility to fess up and work it out or move on. My wife and I had months of discussion before I took a mistress and she knew it was coming so, that when she didn't react or reply to my concerns I made sure I got caught! Things would get better months at a time when she realized that sex wasn't a game of keep away that I was going to humor and this went on for over half of my 25 year marriage, we discussed, I got rebuffed, and a mistress was soon to be found but, in all that time I wanted her to realize I only wanted her. In your case if you cheat it only justifies her indiscretions without getting to the root of the problem which is the lying and deception these are the problem if you decide to stay so, I hope whatever decision you make brings you peace brother, keep us informed!

 

Sounds to me that unless you know what she was feeling and what pushed her to cheat you'll never know what your up against.

Was she lonely? Did she feel rejected? Was she confused about where your relationship was at?

The only way you're going to get those answers is to tell her that you truly deeply want to understand where she was coming from then try and listen as non-judgementally as you can. I know that sounds impossible, but if you punish her incessantly, shut down her side of things as "not being a good excuse" for cheating etc you'll never know the real reasons.

If you two decide to break up, that's cool, but if you want to stay together, truly understanding her is the only option. You have to want to relate to her, want to hear her side. If you clam up and tell her "well you should have talked to me" "that's no excuse for cheating" "why didn't you tell me blah blah" kinds of things and reflect the blame back at her you'll never get to understanding.

If she tells you she did it because of how you made her feel, you can't take it to heart, just try and find out what part you played in making her feel that way. You can listen to how she felt and what she perceives you did to make her feel that way without taking blame.

If you want to call it quits, totally your right to though. Good luck man, hope that whatever you do, you go about it the smart way and get the answers and conclusions you need.

 

cheating is common...so is lying about it...personally i would like my partner to admit what she has done...anyway the reason that because you accuses her lead her to cheat is bullshit in my opinion...she wanted it and just blamed it on you..a guilt trip..and you fell for it

 

25%????

The stats are between 55 and 60% (and that is only those who admit it).

 

I have never been with a married woman and never plan to. Don't judge me based off my signature. It is just something I made up for this site. If I ever found out that I was with a married woman I'd feel like shit. Cheating is wrong and there's no excuse for it. It happens, but there's no reason for it. I have never cheated on anyone, but have been cheated on. It is a very hurtful thing to deal with.

 

Honestly? We don't know enough about your relationship to be qualified to give you any advice on such a serious matter.

I can only say that for any relationship to work you need open and honest communication between the 2 of you.

Possibly not a great deal of help, but better than telling you what to do when I don't know all the details.

 

A liar is a liar!

Honestly, about your wife, I don't care why she lied to you, I just care for the fact that she has lied!
Marriage, mainly means trusting each other!
Unfortunately, according to what you have written here, trusting has been... "evaporated" between the two of you!
Since you've already experienced a divorce, I'm sure that another one won't be "the end of the world"!
My only concern, since I don't know your rules and regulations, is that I really hope that another divorce won't hurt your military career!
And... just a piece of advice: after you divorce, just don't jump into another marriage!
Personally, I have married my first wife after knowing her for only three months...
The second, with whom I am now for almost 25 years (+ the three previous ones), it took me three years to decide to "jump the broom" again...
Take care!

 

Yeah, sorry - it was a cheap remark on my part. Had a bad day, that's all. My appologies :rose:

 

She obviously doesn't care that much about you or your marrage for that fact so it is time to get out while your ahead. Sorry for the bad news but that truly is your best bet since if you don't you will always forever wander about it and always have some suspicion.

 

It is a bit long to read, yeah

 

Still, if you make the effort to read it, you'll simply realise that, in fact, it's too short!
The man has a problem! Bear with him! Or... just ignore the thread!

 

It's fine. Everyone has a bad day now and then. I hope everything is ok now

 

I think that she cheated because she needed another man when you werent there and havent been there for so long, and the only thing she could do was lie about it because she didnt want to hurt your feelings. I would try to forgive her and stay with her as long as it never happened again. But I'm only 19 and have never been in a relationship like that and idk what it really feels like, just do what you think is right and what will make you happy.