hell, every woman I fall in love with I can't have. I always get stuck deep deep deep down into that damn friends list women have. I'm a nice guy and so I do things to make them happy, I'm showing them I care for them, but they just see a guy doing what boyfriends should do without me being a boyfriend so I never advance. but, I learned not to buy a car for anyone. last time I did that, two days later I never heard from her again. I know her phone was working because it was in my name and I was paying the bill and seeing all the calls she was making on it. So now I'm going on 11 years with no sex, no dates, no nothing.

 

Every attractive woman I see, even for a moment, brings longing and remorse. I would like to say, "Hey, girl, you're very pretty, I want you." And I mean not just to fuck her but to live my whole life worshiping her. Of course, the next girl gets the same thoughts but they are real and honest, and painful. Such is life.

 

but you can look ahead but then its a matter of going ahead, and me? well, i am not going anywhere.

everyone is full of shit, its a cutthroat world out there. everyone screws you over, i know girls who have had similar experiences but they just get shit on, fuck them. not the girls, but these handlers who are supposed to be caring for them.

 

Boy, have I got a story for you!

Sept. 2010, my wife went out of town for a few days. I was bored so I went to an adult chat site. I had "net sex" with some 20-something (I was 50 at the time). No biggie. Then I moved on to my next "target". A 35 year-old woman from the Midwest, she was married as well. Our conversation was completely benign; no sex talk, just friendly talk. Since I was also from the Midwest, and had similar political views, etc, we really hit it of. Boy do I regret it.

We took our conversation off that website and picked it up on Yahoo IM. We fell in love. I don't fucking know how, but I fell in love with her. I left my wife, got my own place (keep in mind, there is more to the back-story. I had a lifeless, hopeless marriage). It took a month or so, but it continued and the following January 2011, she flew out to where I am and we spent about 3 or 4 days together. I made it as romantic as possible; but not over the top. A nice dinner at a teppan yaki place, a 2 hour boat cruise on a desert lake, we made a wonderful dinner together; steaks on the grill, lemon rice soup, salads. It was wonderful. I had forgotten what it was like to be in love and really want to do things for my significant other.

It went on until April of 2011 and without going into details, I heard from a mutual friend of my wife's and mine that my wife had gotten this lady's phone number and thought about calling and telling her husband. Of course, I had to warn my sweetheart. She came unglued. I told her over Yahoo messenger, she was pissed, said she was having her home number changed and signed off. That was a Thursday. She ignored my texts, emails and wouldn't take my calls for 4 days. Keep in mind, this is supposed to be a 35 year-old, mature woman. She had already filed separation papers and was leaving her husband. She too had a marriage made in hell but that's not important.

When I finally heard from her the following Monday, she basically dumped me via email. We had always promised each other that if we were to end it, we would do it like adults, using the phone. Nope. My life was shattered. I hadn't felt love like that since high school and it was gone.

That was April 2011. I've done my best to recover and forget about her and my wife and I reconciled. I told my wife everything and realized that although I may not feel that "new" love, we still have a much deeper love that take years to build. I have been open and honest with her, I told her why I did it and was very open. Things are going okay. I still thing of "that girl" now and then and it still makes me sad but I move on. But then.....

A couple weeks ago I went to her Facebook page as I have done before, just in a moment of weakness, to see her face, and I noticed that she had moved...her "Lives In" status changed to a different town. Just out of curiosity, I wanted to know where she lived in this town, so I googled her name and the name of the town. What I found shocked me beyond belief. It was a news story; she had gotten busted for heroin and crack use and maintaining a public nuisance, a class D felony in that state. In short, her daughter who is a teenager and her 7 year-old son were home and in bed. The daughter smelled what she thought was drugs cooking, texted her grandma (maternal grandma, no less) and they called the cops. The cops found her upstairs in the master bedroom with constricted pupils, glassy eyes and needle tracks in her left arm.

She and a "friend" were arrested and a third, unidentified man was released. Let me tell you, I was sick to my stomach. The ONLY thing I knew about her drug use was that she was a "heavy user" in college and I just assumed it was maybe a little crack now and then, maybe X or something. But, to the best of my knowledge, that was back in college. And she sure as hell wasn't using when I knew her; I knew a completely different person.

You would think my reaction would be one of, "relief" that I didn't get involved with her any further, but it wasn't. I was absolutely, positively heart-broken. Infinitely more heart-broken than when she broke up with me. Reading that story tore at my gut like nothing I have ever experienced. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. The girl I knew was NOT this person.

I blasted off a quick email to her to ask her if she was okay and to tell her how sorry I was to hear about that, etc. She said she was doing better, clean 5 months and doing the NarcAnon program and that she was incarcerated for a "few months". That's all she said. She said she hoped I was well and that was it.

I reached out to her and told her I would like to talk to her, as a friend, on the phone. I just really needed to hear her voice. My heart was so, so broken that she went through that...I just had to talk to her. She never replied. Not a "thank you", "thanks, but no thanks", nothing. And that hurt as well. I know I could talk to her as a friend as I would never risk my marriage again...especially with a known "junkie", but nevertheless, I was hurt that she didn't even give the courtesy of a thank you.

In short, finding out about this beautiful, glowing mother of two, who "had it all", falling so far, has just devastated me. I have never felt such pain; the sympathy I have for her is stronger than any I have had in my life and I am 52 years old. I would have quit my job and moved back east to be with her. Anything.

In hindsight, this incident certainly answers a lot of questions regarding her life, her relationship with her husband and mother, etc. I only saw a sliver of her life. My guess is, she has had other relapses since college and this isn't the first, that is why her own mother was so quick to have her arrested.

Finally, contrary to the stereotype, she lived in a gated, golf community. She made ~$60,000/yr. and her ex-husband makes ~$100,000. Her mother owns a very successful business. That shit can hit anybody regardless of your social or financial standing.

Please don't judge me for cheating...I have paid the price and am forgiven by the only two that matter, my wife and God.

 

Boy, that is a rough story. Hopefully you and her are doing better in your separate lives...

 

I have mentioned her allot of times on this website, and that is of my younger niece. I have loved her emotionally for the past 15 years. She's now 30. But, anything happening like marriage, or out in the open, regarding family, is out of the question, since she now, is happily married, and has 3 young boys. But, how I feel for her, will last forever. It's sad, but maybe she'll get a divorce someday.

 

Honestly, it still hurts. I want so much to forget about her so I can focus on my wife. I had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder many years ago but went off my meds over a year ago and had been doing fine. About 3 weeks before I found out about this, the depression started to return. Then this just put me over the edge, emotionally. So bad that I went to speak to my pastor because the pain was unbearable. I just told my wife that I was just having another severe "down swing" like I'd had before. Since my pastor knew about the affair, I was comfortable talking with him about it.

In short, I knew the only way I could get past this was to get back on meds. Between losing this woman in the first place and then seeing her life take this disastrous turn, it was like I lost a loved one. And the fact that she won't speak to me, even as a friend, is like salt in the wound. If I could speak to her just to know we can still be friends, it would make it so much easier but I suppose it's not to be.

Thanks for listening...

 

I'm not sure whats worse, to love someone from a far, or to be an integral part of their life and know whats its like to have been with them.

This is a long story, and it is still playing out. I am keeping some stuff general to keep it more anonymous.

I met this girl where she worked, I noticed her on her first day there. I don't know why, or what made me notice her the way I did, and I noticed her wedding ring also. I flirted with her, she didn't take to much notice in me, and ironically she had a crush on a friend of mine. Then one day the wedding ring was off. I invited her out, using the friend of mine as an excuse since he had a girl friend and she knew it I figured it would be obvious I was into her. I guess not as another friend of mine wound up hooking up with her, which hurt, but I figured thats that. Well the way she handled it when she found out I had a crush (at that point) on her instantly made me have even bigger crush. She apologized, said she would stop seeing my friend, and we got really close at that point. We went on a vacation as friends, I kept it as friends even when we were both drunk and I knew I could have hooked up with her. We got along with each other better than anyone I've ever met before. Problem was she was still kinda seeing my friend. He saw how I felt and broke it off, I still think he was only after the sex. Well we hung out and got really close, but I went on a vacation a few weeks later. She met up with a long time friend of hers and wound up dating him with in a week. It killed me, I am not sure if I was in love with her at that point or not, but it sucked. Then I wound up getting her a job at where I worked, helped her out with stuff and was getting better. I was getting over her, even going on dates.... and here is where it gets worse.

She started to like me, how much I don't know. He started to sense things and got jealous. One night it got really bad, he pushed her around and left. Her life is a history of abuse, so she called me and told me what happend, and said she couldn't go on. I got there as fast as I could we hugged, she cried for hours, and then I kissed her. I was instantly in love with her. More than any women in my life. Now for the kicker.

The next day I'm telling her that she can love me, that I'm not to good for her (more to the story). Then she finds out he died of a drug overdose (was supposedly clean for a long time). I knew, instantly it would never work with us. But I was there for her, for weeks, and months, even directly saved her life. We lived together, her kids loved me everything was great except that she fell more and more in love with the guy that died. The closer I got, the more she got pushed away. We lived for 3 months like this, some nights we had sex, we would say I love yous, and life would be great. The next week she was not talking to me because of to much pressure.

I eventually cracked and got jealous, she realized that she couldn't love me, maybe guilt from what had happend, maybe because he was her soul mate. I don't know.

I still see her every day at work, I still love her more than any one I have ever met. And I can't , and may not ever be able to have her. I guess I should be happy for what I had, but that doesn't make it better. I'm going on dates, and I fear I'll never feel that love and connection again. Sorry for the long story, and there's a whole lot I left out. Nothing is worse then the girl you are still in love with being intimate with someone else, and you can't get mad because its perfectly clear that shes just living her life.

 

I'm deeply crushing on someone right now that would never feel the same for me. So I'm just really trying not to think about it and letting it get to me. But it's so hard to keep someone out of your mind. I hope the crush doesn't develop more.

I think we've all been there. I have no words of wisdom but I'll read the words here and learn for myself with time I suppose.

 

That is profoundly sad as well, Joe. Having to see her everyday must be brutal...

My guess is that you'll find someone and love her like crazy...but there will always be the "what if" thought that will creep into your head at night. That's OK as long as its just a passing thought.

 

Sometimes you have to treat love like a condition that requires treatment. If you can't have the object of your infatuation its probably a good idea to isolate yourself from them, but also as other have suggested keep your self busy ( meaning busy socially ). Working on projects doesn't clear the mind. You have to go out and talk to people and take chances and meet new loves. I can say this from the point of view of someone who recovered from falling in love in 2010. I'm presently in love with a woman who is also in love with me and she gives me Everything I want. The first bitch wouldn't meet me halfway ( wanted to string me along as a "reserve" in case her husband died 20 years out. WTF? ) Now she's all put out that I fell in love with someone else but that's her loss. And the funny thing is - the first girl was not even my type. Love obscures many things, and in retrospect I think we would have failed.

 

Happened to me just recently, I met this guy back in June on an adult chat site, nothing too serious just chatting as friends talking about our kinks etc. We eventually moved over to email and started having the most wonderful conversations, we were so alike in every aspect, it wasn't superficial our connection went deep. Through the course of this I found out he was 30 years my senior, and married, I knew I should have ended it right there as I knew the shitty path it would lead down. But I just couldn't bring myself to not talk to him, I didn't want to end it, so I didn't. Things got serious in September, I was talking on the phone with him all the time and things just felt good. In November we agreed we would meet and see where it went from there, I would have done anything for him at that point and I think he felt the same. We were sending multiple emails to each other a day, never running out of things to say, so I thought it would be the most fantastic meeting ever. I got a new dress, thought of every little detail, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

Well the day came, shortly after Christmas. There I was, waiting like a moron in a Starbucks for the man of my dreams.

He never came. I was crushed and hurt and I couldn't understand what I had done to make him not want to see me. When I got home there was an email with an apology and an excuse that I just didn't think was true. But I chose to ignore it as I had fallen so hard for this guy, I didn't want it to end. After that I tried my hardest to talk with him but things were different, he wasn't talking as much, and if he did it was to say he was tired and would write more later. It made me feel hopeless, but every time I got close to ending things he would do one little thing that made me feel like my insecurities were unwarranted.

This went on for a long time, finally in the first week of April on a particularly sad and depressed night, I sent him an email telling him how hurt I was and that I didn't want to do this anymore. I was so anxious and upset that I had done this, but I felt like it was the right thing. My feelings for him were just as strong as they had always been, but I didn't want to be hurt by him anymore.

He never responded. No "I'm sorry" or even an "ok"... just silence. I still think of him everyday, when I get an email I get that bubble of hope that maybe it's him. But it never is.

I wish I would have ended things with him as soon as I found out he was married. Now I have to try and move on from someone I fell in love with.

 

Much of your story sounds like mine...we met on adult chat site and hit it off. I'm 15 years older than her, but we were both married.

Honestly, if I really knew her, for instance if we knew each other from a work environment, I don't know that I would have given her a second thought. I am putting many pieces of the puzzle together after the fact and see that she was/is seriously messed up.

But I know what you are saying; she dumped me a little over two years ago and it still stings, I still miss her and I still wonder how she went from "I love you and want to marry you" to ending it in an email. I think sometimes, the "love" equation gets out of balance...at first the attraction is equal or similar but somewhere along the line one person goes up and the other goes down. If you were dating in person and he wasn't married, there is a very good chance you would have weathered the storm, got to know each other and developed a deeper, more sincere love rather than infatuation and "new love". I know I believed I was 100% in love with this girl, but the fact is I didn't know her. You don't get to know somebody in three days together and several months of chatting. The sad truth is, that person on the other side of the chat room or email is seldom the same person once you truly know them.

I had no idea this girl had a drug history and couldn't imagine her sticking needles in her arms and smoking crack...that just proves how little I knew about her.

Focus on the future, forget the past.

 

Totally agree with you kalany, it's the worst place to meet someone and that's why it never works. You can never truly know who they are and what they might do.

 

Eh I had a story somewhat like Mars myself. It's strange to get to the point where you're exchanging I love yous with someone and at the same time they're pushing you away. She was just...to scarred to be with someone and I didn't realize it soon enough. Very good learning experience though.