A Girl Named Ally


It all started in my science class. It was my first year of highschool. I wasn't the most popular kid then, but I wasn't a geek/nerd either. I got decent grades and was an ok kid. I didn't have a girlfriend going in to highschool, but around October that all changed.

October 23rd, 2006

It was a Monday and I had just gotten back from camping with my friends up in Bigbear. We had gotten back on Sunday around 1:30 AM. So I was just looking forward to getting the day over and done with. I woke up at my usual time of 6:15. I got dressed with my usual appearal ( Somewhat tight jeans, NOT SKIN TIGHT!!!, a long sleve shirt (brown) and a short sleve over that (black), then my black jacket with my hood on). Then headed down stairs to get some breakfast. After that I headed up stairs to go brush my teeth. I looked at myself in the mirrior. I liked the way I looked. I was 5'4 witch I considerd the average size for a 14 yo teenager. I had my hood on and my hair brushed to my side cover my left eye. Not to much though. My hair was to the lenght of my nose. I took my finger and brushed it to the side of my face so it wasn't in the way. I was not EMO in any way, I was never deppressed nor did i ever cut myself or ever want to. When I was done brushing my teeth I got in the car with my mom. She then drove me to my highschool.

It was 8:00 when the bell rang. I went to my first piriod class witch was math. Not much happend there. Then I headed to my second period, English. Not much there either. Third piriod was P.E. We did jumping jacks and jump rope in the gym. Me and my close friend Shane just stood back and watched the girls. We were so lucky becouse our class had a tottal of around 50 students. 12 of witch were boys. The rest obvoiusly girls. So me and my friend Shane are watching the girls doing jumpropes when all of the sudden he says,

"Hey, is that a new student?"

I look over to where hes looking. Then I see a girl just sitting there all alone. She had long black hair, that was resting on her shoulders. Her head was resting on her hand. Her elbow was resting in her palm witch was crossed over her stomach. Then all of the sudden she her glance slowly makes its way toward me...then after awhile her eyes meet mine. She had Dark blue eyes that seemed to pass right through me.

At that moment my heart stopped and i quickly shot my eyes in another direction. Shane said,

"Dude, shes fucking hot. I hope I have her in another of my classes. Kind of sad though that she's all alone. She looks sad too."

"Yea, I think she cought me looking at her though."

"Then go talk to her, shes all aby her self. Go on, dont be a pussy."

"If you like her so much then you go fucking talk to her then."

"Man, you know me. I've never been good with the lady's."

He was right. Shane had only one girlfriend that i knew of, but that ended badly. He had cought her cheating about two months ago. Stacy. That was her name...or Sarah...one of thoes. Shane rarly talkes about her now'a'days, and thats the only girl I know that liked him. for a short time at least. Aside from her, every girl that Shane had asked out had rejected him. In my opinion I dont see why they said no. He was 5'6 and slim. he had Beach blonde surfer haircut. that right there should send the girls right for him, but they didnt. He had Light blue eye's also. I didnt se anything wrong with him.

"Well if I do happen to walk up there what do i say? I cant just walk up to her and say hi."

"Um...yea...you can. Just go up there and start talking."

I thought about it and decided that since I only live once I might as well live with no regrets, and i know that if i didn't...I would regret taking the chance. So I looked over at her, she was focusing on other things. Thank god. It tok some time to gather some courage... but before I knew it i was walking toward her.

She was looking at somthing eles. When I got to her. I looked behind my back to see what Shane was doing. As I suspected, he was watching intently. I looked back to her. I was about two feet away from her.

"Hey." I said

She looked up at me and said,

"Hey."

"I saw that you were all by yourself over here and you looked lonely, so I figured I'd come over here and keep you company, if you want."

I was nervouse as hell. Me, I was never good at talking to girls. Even though I did it often. It was still the same feeling all the time.

"Thanks, I appreciate it. Im Ally."

At that I decided to make the best of this moment and sit down. My back to the GYM wall.

"So, your new here?"

"Yea, I just moved here."

"Where did you live before?"

"Huntington Beach."

At that we started talking and asking questions about each other. I learned that she lived with her mom now and that she used to live with her dad. Her parents were divorcied when she was around the age of three. I also learned that she to, is 14. As I was losing myself in the convorsation I barely heard the teacher say to get back to our locker room's. So she stood up as did I. When we were both standing I learned that she was about two inches shorter than me. She said by and started to walk away with the crowd of girls that were heading to their locker rooms.

I turned around and started to head back to the boys locker room. In there I met up with Shane and we started talking about Allym like about how hot she was n' stuff. I got dressed out of my P.E. clothes and back into my regular clothes.

The bell rang and I headed to Ind. Tech. I was trying to focus on my work but I couldn't keep my mind off of Ally.

Common Adam, It's not like you've never talked to a girl before

But there was somthing diffrent about Ally. She was REALLY pritty. Unlike most the girls at the school. But there was somthing eles. I couldn't figure it out though. So I just did my best to keep my mind on my work.

Then after all my thinking I heard the bell ring. I headed out of class and to lunch pretty quickly. I just wanted to see Ally again.

As I got outside I went to our groupe's usual hangout. We all talked about the usual. But I wasn't really listening. I was to focused on watched out for all of the girls walking by hoping to see Ally. As lunched passed I didn't see her

God Adam, Just let it go. Its ONLY a girl. Thers alot more out there

The thought of that helped.

The bell rang and everyone headed to there respective classes. Now I had science.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a story in making. i am still working on it

any suggestions for it. Im hopeing to get at this story to the TOP. I need to know what you want in your stories. please suggestions on how to make it better, how this story will unfold, ect.

 

good story cant wait for the end cause i had similar exp

 

good story

 

Great beginning to a story. This guy sounds like he's in love. I was disappointed when it ended abruptly. Please continue.

 

Is this story autobiographical?
If so, the date and your stated age make you currently 14/15.
Would you like to clarify this please!

 

From the spelling and grammatical errors I'd say about 8 or 9

 

One thing that bugged me..

It should have been that you got back from camping on Monday at 1:30am. Getting back Sunday at 1:20am would mean that it would be a Sunday.

unless of course you meant Sunday, but then it's not really clear..

 

ok

well furst off this is not an autobiography
the spelling and grammer are trrebble becouse i am not finished
It is still in proggress
that is why it stoped abruptly
there may be alittle chinks in it but im still putting together a story
and im curiouse as to what you guys want in a story. so give oppinnions on how it could end or how it could soon play through. thankyou

 

Right! I'm glad we sorted that out.

 

You asked for comments on how to make it better. I hope you have a thick skin, because I have itemized almost every grammatical and spelling error below. It is hard to read because of these. If you want people to read your work, please try to avoid these all-too-common errors. Don't make excuses that it's a work in progress - proofread it several times before posting it. Pay attention in your English classes!

1. It was my first year of highschool. (high school)

2. appearal (apparel)

3. sleve (sleeve)

4. Then headed down stairs to get some breakfast. (fragment, needs "I headed")

5. witch (which)

6. considerd (considered)

7. 14 yo teenager (14 year old teenager)

8. cover my left eye (covering)

9. Not to much (too)

10. lenght (length)

11. I was not EMO in any way, I was never deppressed nor did i ever cut myself or ever want to. (Don't use abbreviations. I have no idea what EMO means; "depressed"; "I")

12. piriod (period)

13. happend (happened)

14. Me and my close friend Shane (My close friend Shane and I)

15. becouse our class had a tottal (because, total)

16. 12 of witch were boys. (fragment, should have been combined with previous sentence by the use of a comma; "which" is again spelled wrong)

17. The rest obvoiusly girls. (fragment, "obviously")

18. So me and my friend Shane are watching the girls doing jumpropes when all of the sudden he says, (Shane and I watched; all of a sudden; he said)

19. I look over to where hes looking. (he's; sudden change of tense from past to present)

20. She had long black hair, that was resting on her shoulders (comma not needed)

21. Then all of the sudden she her (all of a sudden her )

22. awhile (a while)

23. She had Dark blue eyes (dark)

24. and i quickly shot (I)

25. Yea (Yeah)

26. cought (caught)

27. shes all aby her self (she's all by herself)

28. dont (don't)

29. with the lady's (ladies)

30. that i knew of (I)

31. Stacy. That was her name...or Sarah...one of thoes. (Her name was Stacy, or Sarah...one of those.)

32. rarly (rarely)

33. talkes (talks)

34. now'a'days (nowadays)

35. and thats (that's)

36. that liked him (who liked him).

37. for a short time at least. (fragment; capitalization)

38. he had Beach blonde surfer haircut. (He had a beach)

39. but they didnt. (didn't; also, this sentence is structurally very hard to read)

40. He had Light blue eye's also. (He had light blue eyes too.)

41. I didnt se (didn't see)

42. up there what do i say? I cant (I, can't)

43. and i know that if i didn't (I)

44. regret taking the chance (regret not taking the chance)

45. she was focusing on other things. (runon)

46. Thank god. (God)

47. It tok (took)

48. i was walking toward her (I)

49. somthing eles (something else)

50. When I got to her. I looked (When I got to her, I looked)

51. I looked back to her. (at her)

52. "Hey." I said ("Hey", I said.)

53. nervouse (nervous)

54. Me, I was never good (leave out the "Me")

55. Even though I did it often. (fragment)

56. Im Ally (I'm)

57. My back to the GYM wall. (fragment, "gym" is not an acronym)

58. your new here (you're)

59. divorcied (divorced)

60. she to, is 14. (she too is 14)

61. convorsation (conversation)

62. locker room's (rooms)

63. She said by (goodbye)

64. In there I met up with Shane and we started talking about Allym like about how hot she was n' stuff. I got dressed out of my P.E. clothes and back into my regular clothes. (Ally, 'n' stuff -- but preferably don't use contractions here)

65. Common Adam (Come on Adam)

66. somthing diffrent (something different)

67. pritty (pretty)

68. Unlike most the girls (fragment, most of the girls)

69. somthing eles (something else)

70. groupe's (group's)

71. I was to focused (too)

72. watched (watching)

73. Thers alot (There's a lot)

74. there (their)

75. This is a story in making. i am still working on it (This is a story in the making. I am still working on it.)

76. any suggestions for it. Im hopeing to get at this story to the TOP. (Any suggestions? I'm hoping to get this story to the top.)

77. please suggestions on how to make it better, how this story will unfold, ect. (Please offer your suggestions on...etc.)

This is most of the errors. If you want your stories to be read, they must be free of spelling errors, although the occasional typo is OK. The sentences must be free of fragments and runons, and you must pay attention to capitalization, punctuation and sentence structure. Maintain the same tense throughout the story.

If I were your English teacher, I would give this story a D-.

 

Hey BOB1 don't be afraid to de constuct

 

lol k
when i finally realese it i will keep all that in mind thx the the help

 

I do to

I really think so also

 

good start

 

If I was your manners Prof. I would give you a D for being a dick. Keep writing dude its a good story!!

 

Sick

 

This quote along with the story are proof that our schools are passing students who are very much ill prepared for intelligent writing. It is a scary thought that our future lies in the hands of people whom are either scared of spell check or too lazy to use it. This story would not pass a high school freashman grammar class, so it makes me wonder about the age of the writer and whether or not he should even on this forum.

 

OMg i forgot all about this story
wow
im gogint ot continue writing it
its been forever and everyone seems to like it
ill start NOW

 

Corrections

I think its quite nice of you to go through the whole story and list the errors and post the corrections. I also prefer to read grammatically correct stories but English is not always the first language for many writers. You've done a fairly good job here and I think with just a few additions, your post could be a 'sticky' that could be used for reference purposes. It seems that not everyone knows where to find or use software to correct common errors before posting.

 

ok story so far

Kinda unimportant but you mention that the you were 5"4 and said it was a average height for freshman guys. Not sure where you're from man but at my HS the average freshman is at 5"8 or so