You certainly lived up to your name with this one!

For me, the unrelenting, crushing twistedness of the whole thing wasn't harmed that much by the issues aesopstails listed.

That being said, I agree with her -- you should link up with someone who can help you with the finer points of written English, simply because following them makes it easier for your readers to concentrate on what's happening in the story.

It looks like you have a particular problem with homonyms -- things like two/to/too, here/hear, and are/our/hour -- words that sound pretty much the same so they make sense in conversation, but, because they're spelled differently, convey different meanings.

A spell-check program doesn't catch that stuff -- you need a live human who does know "the rules" to help you.



Overall, a deliciously evil tale. If you were trying to creep me out, you succeeded.

 

I noticed spell check misses stuff or spell them funny at times. Like i said a while ago, i have year eight education and was out of school before i was 16, but i reckon this is better than anything i could write back then...lol

 

TwistedSister - education can only be taken so far in a school; as you said there are errors, yet I do see, even within the story itself, a range of improvement.

My own early stories from a couple of years ago are attrocious when compared to anyone elses. Mind you, I had education in India, America and tutors from other lands - my command of grammatics and the little idiosyncrocies I have aquired drive people to near madness.

Anything I write I have to double check for spelling at least twice to catch my errors, and I still miss a fair amount.

How the people who text or tweet do it so fast, I have no idea.

Give you skill development time and practice; before you know it, one of your stories will shine with a blazing light and shock you to a point you will say "Did I actually write that?"

Personally, I say you are not far from that point.

 

If u saw my earlier attempts and saw mine now, although still not perfect; but looks like two diffetent writers.

No more wall of words and lack of detail, anymore. I cuss if my pc posts it as such, thats why I post here and hope ppl pick out any miner errors before I jump in the shark tank called the main story site.

 

Just give it time; personally, I stay away from the main site anymore due to my stories being shot to pieces in mere minutes. One three part series wound up with 20+ negatives cast in less than twenty minutes, per part, and that is fairly well when I gave up.

May you have better fortune - for me the forum is the best, here at least I can get honest commentary on my stories.

 

Yeah, this one wrote in about an hour and used spell check, maybe if i didn't not as many commas but it keep putting red marks or it didnt understand, so i thought i go with the flow, my other stories i dont rush into it.

 

If nothing else, you may consider doing as many other authors on the site do; see if you can find someone to aid in editing your stories.

The potential I see in yours are immense. And my sis agrees with me on this (she also said 'took you long enough to figure it out bonehead' - she means well, just goes to show women are smarter than men.)

 

One aspect that was brought out in my English Composition class was the use of concrete terms to make the author's writing clear. If you look at the powerful stories in this competition, you will find that concrete writing abounding. The stories which lack it are, consequentially, less compelling.

This story, and Cold Winters Day, incorporate the concrete details to make the story more real to the reader in a VERY effective manner.

 

I had two that started to but Wimmers has left XNXX and ELP pointed me in the right direction but that was all the people that were willing to help me. Yeah I know I need help, but I don't have any; so i battle on.

 

Just keep working at it; a master in the making (of writing stories) is what I see within your writings.

 

I probably would cop less heat for my grammar if i did have an editor but do you know any? I know its not easy and time consuming. I dont need someone to rewrite my stories just someone who could correct stuff and show me any mistake i may have.. This story was rushed as i was working on my Jessinta stories at the time. Might make this my last CAW, not worth the heat and i am never gunna win one. /shrugs

 

Never say never - Black Ronin never expected to win the last one; and in the last CAW I almost gave up as well for entering any others. Don't feel you have to enter each one, I've skipped one myself as I had other stories to work on.

Horse finally convinced me to enter; its the journey itself that is the real treat, not just the arriving at the end.

All I can ask is for you to give it due consideration; if you feel like entering do so, the door is always open.

I'll keep an eye open for your Jessinta stories as well.

 

My thoughts!

Twistedsister, I did enjoy reading this CAW 13 story as well as the last one. Yes this story is a little creepy with such a twist on it, but it was an interesting one to read.

Good luck in the CAW 13!

 

Thanks I am twisted in my mind so if i see a picture and thats the theme, then i smoke some weed and thats what i see..lol
Pity the pot does help me with my grammar, hey

 

Hey TS, if that's where you get your inspiration from, then more power to you. LOL

 

Thanks Silent, at least i have one fan.
But looking at all the grumbles, maybe this is my last CAW, someone else can cop the heat, instead of me.

 

^^^ YES! :excited: Always remember this!

I would love it if you printed that and hung it in the spot where you write most often! I'm sure this story IS better than anything you wrote back then, and I'm sure that, if you keep at it, the things you write a year from now WILL be even better than this current story. If you give up, you'll never see how much better you can get over time.

Even the very best writers keep working on improving their craft. And it doesn't happen overnight. Even if you learn just one new thing each month, it will all come together eventually. Keep a notebook to jot things down for future reference. For example, spend an hour or so looking up the proper usage of semi-colons and write a few sentences to try out what you learned. Next month, look up some common writing errors ( like there/their/they're or "who" vs. "whom") and write a few sentences using those. The next month, re-read a story you liked here and look closely at the adjectives the writer used, then look up a few of them in a thesaurus to see what other words have a similar meaning. Make a game out of it - one month you can look up curse words in foreign languages and work them into a story!

I didn't make the comments I did to be mean; I wouldn't have wasted my time suggesting things to help you become a better writer if I didn't see talent and creativity.

One of the most important things that I learned about writing is that the satisfaction it brings you is far more important than what others think of it. Yes, a writer should always try to present something that will be enjoyable to his or her readers, but, even if no one else ever reads it, a story, poem, or lyric was born from your heart, mind, and imagination, and the satisfaction that gives you is better than any award you might win. Don't give up!

 

Maybe i will stop using[;] as it seems it's causing me too much heat.
I think i will go back to using [,] at least i now u can use them, like taking a breath. I went on the net to find proper usage of [;] and all it did was confuse me more. Only reason i started using [;] was word spell check kept prompting me too, or my story would green or red problem riddled. maybe Literotica site would cause me less heat. It funny people here either, praise you or are quick to jump on u; but never really help.

 

I know you're trying to help, but you're not. Making me read shit to help me write better, only boggles me and puts me in a rut. Post eg., of where i made mistakes and what should have been write; might be easier to comprehend. I was never a scholar at school in English (never passed it); maths was my subject. /shrugs

 

TwistedSister - all I can say is just keep writing as you wish to do it. I can admire anyone who excells at math.

I got through algebra in high school fairly well; then tried out to be an engineer in college - one week into the math courses there and my teacher suggested I take up another career path.

I had to agree with him. In physics and such, if I can see something done in a demonstration I can grasp how it works. The mathmatics of speed, mass, distance, velocity and other such stuff is simply beyond me.

So my hats off to you for your acceling at math. :rose::rose::rose:

I have to buy a calculator at least every three or four months due to wearing them out.