I recently told my boyfriend about the sexual trauma I've endured, because I am extremely serious about our relationship.

Two years ago, January 14th, I met up with a guy who got me drunk. He walked me home, he acted like he cared about getting me home safe. When we were a block away from my house, he raped me. First he tried to coerce me into letting him, he said he'd 'only put it in a little bit' and he wouldn't take my virginity. I kept saying no, over and over, but he ended up bending me over behind a nearby building and taking my virginity from behind.

After a week of denying it, not letting myself believe it happened, I met up with him again, in the forest. We drank a little, talked a little, and I went down on him before letting him fuck me from behind. I wanted to tell myself he hadn't made me a victim... I never saw him again.

My relationship at the time of this soon ended, and I feel in love with a guy we'll call "Z". He knew most of what had happened to me, and took care of me and loved me. One day, I made a mistake and sent a few naughty pictures to someone else. Z brutally fucked me as punishment until I cried, which is when he stopped and held me and apologized profusely. That relationship soon ended.

The next relationship, with my now ex-fiance, was even better with "T". He was more loving and caring than Z had been. He had been a virgin before we got together, and the sex was pretty decent. I told him I liked to be choked and hit, just a little bit. It was really pleasurable for a while, but the hitting progressed to being outside of sex. He would take me to places out of view but still in public to hit me for being a tease and such. I guess that was the reason our relationship ended.

From the beginning of all this shit, my tendency to want more pain and abuse in relationships became larger. My current boyfriend, who I love and trust more than anything, dominated me in a wonderful way in the beginning of our relationship, but once I revealed all of this, he wouldn't do it anymore. For a while, I was just really annoyed, because it's what I wanted. But honestly, I'm beginning to understand that he has my well being in mind.

But now, since I've had all of this shit on my mind, all of the awful stuff I've been through, sex is starting to freak me out. I miss getting intimate with him, I don't even want the rough shit anymore. I'm nervous about sex, I'm scared of intimacy.

Am I becoming frigid because of my past sexual traumas? For the first time in two years, I've actually been completely honest without someone about all of the shit I've gone through. But now I don't want sex anymore. The lust is still there, but not nearly as much as it used to be. I'm afraid that I'll freak out next time we have sex.

 

you dont need to have sex to get back to 'normal' angel....just reach out your hand and clasp another's...best wishes

 

So the first guy raped you. And then a week later you went willingly into a forest with him and let him fuck you? Hmm i smell bullshit

 

lol i was going to say the same shit..That definitely don't sound right.

 

Have you been raped of your virginity?
Just curious.
Because if so, you must understand how GODDAMN traumatizing it is,
And how it feels to want to pretend it never happened.

 

you can pretend it never happened but if your so TRAUMATIZED why let the guy who did it, fuck you willing afterwards?Just curious

 

No i never have been raped. But i know somebody who has. Its an utterly disgusting crime.
If it was so traumatizing why didnt you go to the police or a family member? I cant believe there is a woman alive who would meet her rapist willingly and have sex with him again. How is that pretending that it never happened?

 

I guess I'm different than the women you believe exist.
It was a humiliating and awful experience. I didn't want anyone at the time, especially my mother, that I got drunk with some guy I had met only once before for a few minutes, and I didn't want to have to explain myself. And I was trying to convince myself I had let it happen. My mom grew up being sexually abused by her father and MANY OTHER men when she was young, and I didn't want her to be ashamed of me.

I'm going to ask that you fuck off if you're not going to help.

 

Whatever, im going to ask that YOU fuck off, you silly lying attention seeking
Child. If you were really raped and were so ashamed about it. I dont think you would be asking total strangers their opinion on wether its made you frigid. I think you need to grow up and think before you post.
Also just been looking at your page and i note with interest that you are member of a group entitled "i have rape fantasies" call me kooky but that doesnt strike me as the sort of page an alleged rape victim would join. Another nail in this threads coffin

 

I know how you felt. I haven't been raped, but a girl I knew in high school was dated raped. She kept seeing the guy for six months untill she got PG. When he droped her. she tried to kill herself.

 

Damn that's awful! It is crazy how one person can bring down another person in a matter such like this.

 

I'm not lying, but I seriously don't give two shits if you believe me or not. That's what happened, I'm not lying. I don't know why you think I need to "grow up and think" before I post, as I've had to grow up quicker than one would hope.

As for the rape fantasies, yeah, I do have them. It's not some magical new idea for a rape survivor to have rape fantasies, actually. But whatever, believe whatever you want.

My shame of being raped is still there. Do you think my username is real? I wouldn't go out into the world and tell everyone my real name, and my story. That would be a risk in letting everyone know, and I don't want that.

Thanks for wasting my time.

 

Its a pleasure. Thanks for wasting mine

 

Maybe your tastes are just changing. Those sort of events would have a very deep impact on your psyche, and your changing sexual appetites could be a sign of moving past them. Avoiding the issue isn't going to solve anything though. You need an open dialogue with your partner and the comfort to find out exactly what you want out of your sex life. It's ok to be into BDSM and it's ok not to be. I don't want to say much else as it might influence how you think you feel. Have an open and non-judmental conversation with him and see where it takes you.

 

+1.
Compare for a moment. Why is it that some people who are afraid of heights are drawn to the edge of a roof?
I've known one more such as the OP. Not a good thing, not a bad thing, it was simply what she'd chosen to deal with her past situations.
After she'd learned that there's a definite line between great sex & abuse, she's dealt with the past by accepting it. Things that have happened to us in years past will shape in some degree what we become. I'd have to say no to the frigidity question, but choose wisely who you want to trust, and communicate as bluewind & jomac13 have suggested.

 

As has been previously suggested, it may benefit you to speak with someone professionally about this. It sounds like you're very confused, sexually, at this point. Until recently you wanted rough sex and to be dominated, but now that you have someone trying to be sensitive to your past, those feelings may be changing. If for no other reason than to have a sounding board, it might be good to see a professional to talk things out and explore these emotions (and perhaps try and address some lingering issues from your past trauma). Then, if your relationship with this person is serious, it may be beneficial to have the two of you meet with said professional together as well.

Wishing you the best.

 

LISTEN TO THIS!!!

 

I would suggest talking to a therapist. You have some serious issues you need to work through.

 

You definitely need to see a professional to deal with all your feelings. You keep revisiting it in ways that only hurt and leave you confused. There are ways to deal with the fantasy aspect with someone you trust, but that really isn't the main thing right now.

Men, don't accuse someone who sees a man who attacked her of lying. There is a lot of guilt and blaming yourself and doing things that don't make sense when you don't understand. You don't understand, so don't pretend to.

 

You said it yourself, you are afraid of intamacy and there is the key. What you need to do is to work out why. Is your desire to be humiliated an attempt at validating a sense of low self esteem? As to your curent bf Im not surprised that he stopped with the whole domination thing after you told him about your past. I can imagine myself getting a slight thrill at the whole sub dom thing but only so long as it was a part of the relationship, a game and somehting I thought the woman was game to play. The dynamic shifts profoundly when you hear that actually there is buried trauma and emotional pain. What loving person would want to willingly put their partner through something that was so clearly painful to them. Try opening yourself up to the idea that sex can be mutually pleasurable, intimate, loving. Rough sex can be fun as a part of your sexual repatoir but only once you quit seeing it as the only way to be recognised as an individual