I think there is something seriously wrong with me. It seems like everything around me falls apart when I try to have a relationship.

I'm going to post a conversation that I'm having with the guy I want to get back together with. Let me give you a little background: I met him about a year ago in a Playstation chat room, we've never met in person, but we were together for about 8 months and were engaged also. He left me in March of this year. He is still in love with me as am I with him. He wanted use to wait until this summer before we start being in a relationship again. But then tonight, this conversation took place. He is Ron, I am Sarai.

Ron: how would you feel if like other girls game over to see me if u was here?

Sarai: as long as they didn't like throw themselves at you and make if obvious that they wanted you id be ok

Ron: good

Sarai: Lol i mean if they came in and where like"hey there sexy, your looking good today" and weren't obviously joking id have a problem with it

Ron: aw lol idk i have alot of female friends

Sarai: as long as they aren't rude enough to flirt with you in front of me, im good

Ron: lol but me and you arnt datin so why would you get jealous?

Sarai: aren't we going to be together when im there

Ron: idk Sarai i mean you know i love you so much and always will but idk if i'm really ready to settle down like that.idk its just hard to picture it right now i guess

Sarai: i don't get it, if we weren't together why would you want me there. and it would still be rude of them to flirt with you in front of me knowing how i feel about you

Ron: I mean i want you here because I love you, I want you around but i just don't know if I'm ready to settle down, and yea I agree with you about that I wouldn't expect you to jsut sit there and watch that

Sarai: im not saying that i want us to get married the second im there or something, i just want to be yours. its not really settling down, its just a relationship

Ron: but naw i know what you mean but thats what i'm talking about I'm not sure if I want to get into a deep relationship right now idk it just seems strange to me ya kno cuz all this time I been single ya kno i can see who ever i want and then I know when me and you get together like that its gonna end me being single idk its selfish i know and I don't mean to be but i just want to be honest with you

Sarai: ok, so it means you want to be with me, but you want to be with other girls too?

Ron: no i wouldn't ask you to do that i'm not a pig

Sarai: i still don't get it

Ron: -sighs and cuddles-Idk Sarai

Sarai: *cuddles back*

Ron: its difficult to explain

Sarai: well, if we start having a relationship and you don't like it you don't have to stay in it

Ron: but then you would be out here with no where to go I would never want to do that to you. idk i just look at relationships different now. I want one, but i also want my freedom

Sarai: what kind of freedom do you mean

Ron: idk i guess I've gotten use to just being with different girls no strings attached

Sarai: so is it that you want me to be like that, or that you want those girls

Ron: be like what?

Sarai: no strings attached

Ron: idk i guess I am a pig Sarai but its just i've gotten use to the lifestyle i been living

Sarai: so what would i do out there if we weren't dating

Ron: I would still be with you and want you around ya kno

Sarai: so id basically be your girlfriend, but without the title, and if you wanted to you could have someone else?

Ron: i kno it sounds bad but kinda, its just the fact of me known i have that choice even tho I prob wouldn't act on it

Sarai: so youd be fine with me doing the same thing?

Ron: yea if you wanted. as long as you used protection i wouldn't care and as long as the guy didn't interfer with our time. i would let you do what you wanted

Sarai: you know i wouldn't be able to do that, id be thinking about you

Ron: -cuddles-idk Sarai i don't wanna make you feel bad or anything

Sarai: *cuddles back*

Ron: -kisses and caressed your back.-Like i said I prob wouldn't act on the feeling, but just knowing i have that freedom. thats what i'm about you've known me long enough to kno I like having freedom

Sarai: yea, and ive always told you i didn't want to take that from you

Ron: but on the other hand i want you. you mean so much to me and I know you would do anything I asked you too. well almost anything, lol

Sarai: yea lol

Ron:-kisses-you're my heart Sarai, but you know I have feelings for other girls idk I guess thats just the man in me. I've tried to change it. and when i think about it it makes me kinda sick of myself. but its still there

Sarai: *kisses back* maybe we could come to some kind of compromise

Ron: like whatcha mean?

Sarai: like everytime you have that feeling, you can ask her if she'd want both of us, becuz you know how much i want to be with you

Ron: you would be up for that?

Sarai: yea, id get you and youd get whoever you wanted

Ron: so wha if she just wanted to have sex with me but after I was with you, or I was with you then? how would you feel about that?

Sarai: as long as she didn't start acting or thinking that you and her were together, id be ok with it, if i didn'thave to watch or hear

Ron: no i wouldn't get like that. and i do wanan be with you. and i wouldn't ask you to watch

Sarai: cuz i know i wouldn't be able to take it if i had to watch or hear, id be thinking why you did something with her you didn't do with me, or if you acted differently with her, so i think id have to be away some place when you did that and then you could just call me when your done, but just don't be like "ok im done, you can come home"

Ron: i wouldn't treat anyone better then you and there would be nothing i would do with another girl that I wouldn't do with you, hell id be willing to do more with you then anyone else

Sarai: *snuggles close and burries my face in your neck*

Ron: -snuggles- idk I would want you to be there tho not like watch bout around ya know idk its sounds crazy but thats just how I feel

Sarai: so it would make you feel better, or it feel better if i was like in the next room

Ron: yea

Sarai: which one?

Ron: idk both really just knowing you was there would make me feel better and it feel better

Sarai: ok, i think i understand

Ron: -cuddles and kisses- but like i said I prob wouldn't act on it

Sarai: *cuddles and kisses back*

Ron: hell i prob would need everything i got jus to handle you lol

Sarai: lol

My question, is this my fault? Is this fair? Why do I have this endless hope that it will work, when I've tried to kill every bit of hope I've ever had? And to the guys, what would this mean if you said it?

 

Sounds like he just wants a fuck-buddy. Nothing really wrong with that unless you're going out there to see him under the impression that you two would be exclusive. If you don't mind him sleeping around then it shouldn't be a problem, but obviously you do. Do you really not care if he does? Do you really want to share him with other women? Are you just offering to do threesomes or to share because you think it's the only way to keep him?

If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then you've got some serious decisions to make. If he loves you as he claims, he would either A) let you know that as much as he does care about you, a serious, monogomous relationship is not what he's looking for right now, or B) be willing to give up his philandering(sp) ways to be with the girl he really wants.

However, if the prospect of him and you sleeping around on each other, having an open relationship, as it were, doesn't bother you then it seems you have nothing to worry about. He certianly doesn't want to commit and you wouldn't have a problem with it.

-S-

 

I would have to agree with Shaka, the words cake and eat it, spring to mind. He says he loves you but doesn't want a monogamous relationship with you, he wants to keep you but carry on living a single life. If you are really ok with this then fine go for it, but if you are not, then you compromising to keep him will only end in heartache

 

Maybe he really is a pig. I've played around and had that kinda freedom, then I fell in love with someone and don't want anybody else any more.

I can understand why people end up cheating sometimes, but when you are first together, if it is love, you dont need anyone else.

I hate to be the negative one, but there's a chance his online talk is just that, if you've never met him in person, can be sure he wasn't just getting his rocks off, or even having a laugh at your expense? I've seen it happen to other people.

You're really pretty, and seem like a nice girl.. whatever his reasons, don't waste your time on a guy who wants to mess you about... you don't need him.

 

I certianly don't mean this as a criticism, after all, you can't help it, but one thing I've noticed in my time on two legs is that women with low self-esteem are so easy to manipulate. So easy it's actually a little scary. Keep that in mind as he sweet talks you.

-S-

 

Ahh, but is it that simple?

If you look deeper you will see it's the same statement on both sides. When you think about it, the people who are the catalyst of change are often viewed as trouble makers. Ghandi sure as hell was. Martin Luther King is another one. American independance, Women's sufferage, Women's lib, the fight for gay rights. All these people are trouble to someone. It's just a matter of whose side of the line your on.

But thanks for the compliment. :wink:

-S-

 

Ugh. He's a playa.

I love you baby, but I'm not ready to settle down = you're good enough to fuck but I don't respect you.

As was already said, don't settle for that nonsense. Wait until you meet someone with whom the feeling is mutual. Bending over backwards to have him/keep him will only leave you powerless and alone.

Walk away from him.

(I'm sorry if this is harsh.)

 

I've been in a similar situation. We lived together and he's the father of my daughter. He would tell me how much he loved me, etc. He didn't tell me like Ron told you that he wasn't ready to settle down, but he screwed around all the time. I knew it, but ignored it because I didn't want to lose him. Sarai, even if he would have told me to begin with, it still would have hurt like hell. He did what Ashley stated, when he was ready to settle down, it was with someone else. He threw me and our daughter out of our house and let his girlfriend move in. They are now married.

It's really crushing to go throw something like that. If you can prevent it, do. You might hurt now to end it, but you'd be better off in the long run.

You deserve to be a guy's only one. Don't sell yourself short, girl.

 

yeah this guy is definitely a player type. "baby it's the man in me" that's utter bullshitr, not every guy is like that. Just because he's a guy doesn't mean he needs to cheat on you with other women. that's a pretty fucked up excuse.

 

Totally. You deserve far better than this guy. Honestly, what is it in him that you're really attracted to anyway? Are those qualities worth the pain you'll be putting yourself through?

 

OK. First of all, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. However, "having a relationship" is something with two ends. If one person ends up making all the compromises it's not a relationship. You need to decide what you can accept, and honestly tell him what you can't. It's not a question of fault. It's determining whether this relationship will actually work or if it's going to break regardless of what you do.

Now, if it was me in that conversation, (with the caveat that it wouldn't be, I don't think that way) I would have been trying to explore my feelings and determine how I really felt. I would expect my girl to tell me how she really felt and then see if we could work out a compromise that suited both of us. If we couldn't work out a compromise I'd expect that both of us would expect to move on, though I'd hope we'd stay friends.

Finally, I think you need to look at your own motives. I've talked to several women who were strongly motivated to move away from their parents at around your age. In every case where that was a significant part of their reasons for moving in with some guy they ended up regretting it. I have no idea if this applies to you or not, but based on some of the other things you've said I felt I should mention it.

I hope this helps.

 

Well I fell in love with him about a week before I saw his picture, same with him and me. That's why I always thought we'd work out. Because we fell in love with eachother's personalities. He was always faithful and I fought my mother over him the whole time me and him were together.

Part of me was a little weirded out that he had said this. Because I had lost my virginity to someone else and I was desperately trying to keep it from him. I didn't want him to hate me. But now that he said this, I don't have to feel guilty about doing it.

I really wouldn't mind the threesomes, I'm attracted to women so it doesn't really matter to me. The whole part in the conversation that I wish he had kept to himself was the fact that it would make him feel better if I was in the next room. I'm an extremely jealous person, and I know that if I heard something different than when it was me and him I'd go insane.

I feel like I owe it to myself to go see him. I've spent more than a year of my life wanting to see him and wanting all the little things with him. I just know that it is going to end up being a double standard, that every guy I sleep with will push Ron and I farther apart, but that he won't feel that way with the girls. He'll feel like with the girls its just fucking, but he'll feel like the guys are trying to take me from him. Thats why I know I wouldn't be able to sleep with other guys, and he has already described the kind of girls that were his "fuck buddies", he said they were just girls who wanted to come get high and fuck. And then there was his "lady friend", a 19 year old who lived around him who was "street wise" and that he had had a crush on since he moved down there.

If he took her to bed I don't think I'd be able to take it. I know she wants him for herself and I don't trust most women. Because I know how we are, we'll stop at nothing to get what we want. I just want to be with him, he used to want kids and marriage with me, now he doesn't want either, I know he has his reasons. A few months back he found out he could be the father of a 4 year old with a girl he hates, even tho it turned out he wasn't it still messed with him.

I don't know, I've always had this ability to find fault in myself. I mean if he doesn't want to have a relationship with ME, then it stands to reason it's something I did. Every time I've ever said that he would tell me that it wasn't my fault and it wasn't about me, that it was something he needed to do. I never stopped doubting that I fucked up. I still blame myself for most of our fights.

But there is an example of this already happening. During the begining of our realtionship I went camping for a weekend and he had cyber sex with a girl who had a huge crush on him. He didn't tell me till about the end of our relationship, I told him I was ok with it because I had had cyber sex with a guy when Ron and I were split up for about a week. I only did it once, he only did it once, but he was angry and hurt that I had done exactly what he had done. He told me that his reason was because in one of his old relationships he had went to jail and when he got out his girlfriend was with someone else, had never even called him or written to him to tell him that she left him, just got someone else, like he was dead. Thats how I know this situation is going to be a double standard with us.

This is long.

 

Okay, I dont think anyone can really give you the proper advice for the exact action you should take, because you cant type all your feelings and EVERYTHING that would affect the decision... but from that chunck of convo right there, Okay, well im just gunna take a shot at what your feeling right now, dont get pissed just from that and what you said Sarai...

That you do like sex and having fun, but you also want to be a guys girl that he truely loves and will ALWAYS give up any girl or anything for... am I right?

Based on his conversation and from my POV this is what im guessing hes thinking... (I dont want any ball bashing or sculding for theese, use constructive critisism not Pookey youre a fucking smacktard hes/shes...etc.)

I actually Had a friend when I was 13-17 (went seperate ways but still talk) when we were in 6th grade she went out with this kid, Kevin, they hooked up through kevins friend, kevin was a freaking idiot, preppy pretty much a loser and it was her first BF and all, so she basically changed him, she became one of the hottest girls in the school and this kid Kevin was one of the luckiest kids in the school, then I went out with this girl that still had feelings for Kevin, she was a bitch, always flirting and hitting on him, and he did back, and all the girls in my class basically wanted him because he was so popular because of his GF and for reasons I still dont know (he wasnt really that good looking either :? ) and she wanted to be his only girl but he payed so much more attention to all theese other girls and always flirted with them instead of her and almost never payed attention, me and her became good friends and went pretty far, she told him and then he got pissed, but it was because she just wanted someone to be with, yet she still loved him, and he ended up making out with this girl...so he left the school and She dumped his ass and hes only been with 2 other girlfriends last time i talked to him... but yea back to it...just saying I got some experence with this kinda stuff...

Theres lots of variables, now, judging by what he was saying... Lets say he wasnt bullshitting (Im not saying he was or wasnt) He Loves you a lot, but he either hasnt had much besides you, so is interested in exploring different areas with different people... Or, he loves you but he wants more sex with different people, and you would be the one he loves but he would also have sexual experences with other people but not share an emotional bond...IM NOT SAYING THATS WHATS GOING ON. You could get fucked over on that one if thats what you thought..

Now, if what he was saying was bullshit... He still wants to keep you and have sex and fun with, but he has no desire to be with you and let you be the ONLY girl he has emotional bonds with, or he Wants to Love more than one person...

____

Sarai, it seems that you really Love him, and are giving him a shitload of slack, but you Really Really dont need to take it, it may be that you just dont want to let go because your afraid that you wont love anyone else... the same with that other girl, she didnt want to let go because she thought she would never love anyone else (it was her first BF) and she never had feelings of Love for anyone else before and didnt wanna let go... But, as Rain said, you would be better in the long run, I'm sure... I know lots and lots of guys that would just kill to have you, you have a big sexual interest, youre very open (dont see that too much) you have a great personality, and are very hot, many guys, and girls, whatever your preference would Kill to have you and Im sure that they would WANT you to be their Only Girl in their life...

Do whats best for you, and good luck! :wink:

 

wow I can't believe I am actually saying this but good post, pookey.

 

I cant believe IM saying this, good post Baller!



lol

 

Wow pookey, it's like you picked exactly what I was thinking when I posted that. And yes, I'm scared that if I leave him I'll never find someone to love me. My relationships with males have always been that way. I'm only wanted around when they want something. The last time I saw my father was when I was nine, he didn't call or write until I was 13, and my grandpa made him call me on Christmas Eve as a Christmas present to me. Then two years later, he called me again, then nothing for a year, now he is leaving me e-mails and writing me letters, I believe he wants to think he is a good father and as I'm his only living child he needs me to tell him that.

My first boyfriend was when I was 16, we were together for four months, everyone at our school hated him, my friends, his friends, people I didn't even know, would all put him down in front of me, and I'd stand up for him. But he left me because I wouldn't have sex with him.

Then I met Ron, he made me feel like I was worth more than sex, I felt safe with him, that I could be myself and let my guard down for him. I gave him my heart and he left me because he was scared because he was changing because of our relationship.

Next I dated the guy I lost my virginity to, he was so gorgeous that I became an airhead around him. I ended up telling him I loved him and he treats me differently now, hard to explain how.

Then this stuff happened. Idk, its hard to think its not my fault.

 

As I said, low self-esteem. It seems to be obvious to everyone else but you that he's playing you. There are guys out there that can smell the desperation on a woman like perfume on a breeze. As long as you're broadcasting this neediness you're always going to attract the wrong sort of man that's going to hurt you. You don't have an easy road ahead of you but you have to realize that at the very least, you're worth respect. Once you can do that, it only gets better from there.

-S-

 

yup, Shake is right on this one. Every single guy can tell if you are desperate and some guys will actually prety on that and make you do shit you don't want to or make the relationship one sided as in they always get their way and you always end up compromising. You really need to raise your self esteem get some confidence in yourself and realize you can do better than guys like that. Then do it

 

Whether he's "playing" you or not, you really do deserve someone better, who is dedicated to you.

 

I'm not sure if that is what he is tho, becuase he has really low self-esteem too. women have left him over not being big enough his whole life and he used to tell me that it didn't matter how much he loved me, that i needed to love myself before i could ever really love him. most of our conversations are him trying to convience me im beautiful and me trying to conveince him that his penis is cute not mutated and that he is gorgeous even tho he is over weight. i know its not a lie with him cuz he has told me things that no man would make up about himself, about his past. ive even spoke to his mom and his lil brother and i am friends with his roomate. im not sure if i could believe that 8 months of getting to know him could be held up with a lie. he isn't that good of a liar anyway, he's tried it with his roomate, who is gay so the gossiping between me and him is huge.