KAW 7 - My New love
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As I stepped out of the bathroom really minding my own business I was stunned when I saw her there on the floor. Instinctively drawn to her I almost couldn't resist her charm as I was drawn across the floor to her. The closer I came to her the more of her beauty was revealed, a beauty that was hash in many ways compared to many that I had seen in my day.

As I finally reached her side I softly ran my hand down her smooth, textured side. Smiling for now all I could do was bask in the perfection that was her. I asked if she might go with me for the day to which her keeper gave me an appraising eye then begrudgingly allowed me to leave with her.

As we drove out into the country side, I became uncomfortable in my seat still intrigued by all the beauty that was her. Finding a quiet secluded spot, I sat and could hardly speak as she held me spell bound. Sitting there next to me in the meadow I felt the luckiest man on earth.

Alas, I knew that I must return her soon to her keeper, or face the wrath of those I was sure would soon come looking for us. Touching her nose and her tail I rejoiced in the perfect lines of her. I decided then and there that I must have her in my life!

Driving back I started to plan there was a way there had to be to have her with me always. Slowing down I began to caress her as I told her of my plans for us in the near future. Then I started to tremble with trepidation the plan I had was fool proof it had to be! Without her in my life I felt that life wouldn't have the true meaning that it should!

Finally I had her back home swallowing my pride I went in to talk to her keeper. I felt it was my most brilliant haggling that I had ever done in my life. Her keeper was a very shrewd and powerful man but eventually I felt I wore him down. With a huge smile I thanked her keeper and left with her. Gently kissing and rubbing her sides I told her that we'd be together for a long time as we drove off heading to my home.

 

Not much of a story but I had this idea and jotted it down in an hour, the object in question here is a new sports car.

 

Writing something good in an hour is a feat in itself. Nicely done. I would've liked to see some punctuation at certain places. But otherwise it was nice to read. I never had a hint of what your object was. I was thinking about panties. LOL

 

oh my! Didn't think I portrayed them that well did I?

 

Your first sentence threw me: "As I stepped out of the bathroom really minding my own business..."

 

On the contrary Pars, it was well done, IMO

 

A good shorty, agree with Jeymar could have used some well placed punctuation.
Personally thought it was a new suit lol

 

You met the challenge, Pars. For a while I thought you were talking about a bed, then a dog, then I realized it was a car. I could really feel the intimacy here in this text. Very good writing.

 

I really thought it was a cat.

I almost ran out of breath reading the first paragraph.

Pars, if you took the time to reread and edit and polish, it would have been a better story. It's not a bad story but if it was a bit longer and has less missing punctuation, it would really have been a better story.

Thank you for your entry. Good luck!

 

Thought it was great from a creative point. Never had a clue. After the reveal I thought, nope, couldn't be. The whole floor thing...then it hit me. Showroom floor. Ha! That was great! Yep...technical issues, sure, but as far as the creative end, give yourself an "A".

 

I didn't have a clue!

I think this was well done. There were some words I might have tried finding a replacement for. "Keeper" is the one that springs to mind.

I love your imagination. The fact that you can put out a story so quickly says so much. I think it is also a problem. Just once I would like to see you hold a story for a bit, then go back and rework it. Do a long slow read, and edit some of the mistakes that you have. Think about word choice, and phrasing. It's not a race.

I do like your writing, and I think this is a good entry.

 

Why thank you coming from the great @Little Miss K is a true compliment I also was very humbled by @ahorsewithnoname comment.

 

Thought about it but working more now harder to get enough time to

 

Competition "half-way/2-weeks left" bump.

Hush....an alias

 

I thought this was a really great story. Brilliantly written, the "item" hidden very well I had no clue right until- the second or third keeper, it made me think "registered keeper" it's on our log books here. If you'd used a different word I definitely wouldn't have guessed. ( I agree again with LMK) Maybe owner might have made me think she was a slave, even carer or similar. Or maybe if I hadn't had my log book out recently

The first line was splendid it really messed with your mind , as I automatically thought he stepped from the bathroom in to the bedroom. Again the clever way you described the scenes really kept me guessing .

There were a few things I saw that need addressing -
I'm not sure how something can be smooth and textured at the same time ? Maybe she had textured looking smooth side. Also I wondered what hash meant? But I think you meant harsh and the only other thing was there were a few punctuation marks missing. Sorry but recently I've been doing some proofing so I'm reading with a more critical eye lately

Again and its becoming monotonous now (probably because I'm reviewing late ) I agree with Little Miss K, but its been said before, for you to let the story stand for a while and read through again before posting. Please try your work is really great , but could be outstanding with a few tiny tweaks.

I loved the story though , the romance of it, it was a very sweet touching story that totally appealed to the romantic in me , especially when its a man doing the gushing , and there were such loving enamoured feelings , awwww, I should have known it was over a bloody vehicle of some, sort

Well done Pars , a great story, thanks for , well, I'd say hard work but it seems it comes easy to you ! Seriously though good luck. Luvs xx

 

Interesting! You wrote this in a hour? Well done. It's short, yet... just right.

 

I know plenty of men who have that sort of reaction to cars. I misread a few things at first, so didn't get the right impression, for some reason I thought the object was smaller, so did't guess. On second reading I can see it all now.

Neat tale.

 

Bump for Reading Phase grouping.

Hush....an alias

 

21 hours left till voting bump for competition grouping!

Hush....an alias