Sorry this got so long, but I wanted to provide the back story in order to get valid opinions

Sex with my wife has become terribly boring. This has been going on for almost 10 years. I've tried talking to her about it many times, got books, but nothing helps.
I would love to make her cum every time, but she says she doesn't need to. Foreplay hardly happens, as she only wants me to lube up,(getting her juices going seems to be too much like work for her) and start pumping till I cum. Not even once a month, I get to go down on her, and she loves it and cums hard, but then the next time I ask, she doesn't want it.

I tried to find her G spot, but within 10 seconds of sticking a finger in, she had enough and said she didn't believe there is such a thing.

Been asking to try anal for about the last 5 years, and have only gotten a finger partially in 3 times before she says it hurts, but she wont relax at all. I've read all the how to's on anal and know to use lots of good lube and wore a latex glove to make it smoother, started with my pinky finger, went very slow, and stopped when she asked me to. I told her that if it makes her more comfortable she can do anything to me that I do to her, as I'm up for anything we can do together. She said she wanted a strap on, so we got one, and it's never came out of the box. Same thing for Ben Wah balls, Glass dildo, etc.

If I ask her for sex, it almost always has to be later, or gets shut down all together. She says that she would like me to be more aggressive with her, throw her down and take her, but as soon as I do, she fights back and makes it ABSOLUTELY clear that it has to stop.

Sex with her has become so empty that alot of times after we do it, I feel worse because it seems she's not willing to put any effort into it at all.

She had her tubes tied years ago, she has never wanted kids , and blames that for her sex drive vanishing. When we first got together it was the best sex of my life as she was totally into it and more open. Now it's the worst sex I've had with anyone.

Aside from sex, our relationship is OK, there is one big non sexual issue, (that she caused, then repeated over and over again) each time saying sorry and promising to never do again. She said she will spend the rest of her life trying to make it up to me, but so far, "sorry" is about all I've gotten, and as a result I've pretty much lost all respect for her.

Ideally, I would like to work it out, as I love been married, and for the most part we are really good together, but it feels like I would be sacrificing the chance of finding true happiness by staying together.

My questions are:
Are women really OK with only cumming once in a while?
Could you be with someone that has a much lower sex drive?
Can the tying of tubes kill her sex drive?

 

That's a very sad story...I'm sorry. I wish we could hear her side of the story too.

It certainly seems that she's not motivated sexually, and that doesn't bode very well for your relationship. I think you need to have a serious talk, and you need to lay it on the line: if you can't find a way to have a healthy sexual relationship, you don't think you can stay with her. I certainly wouldn't blame you.

As far as your specific questions:

1. No. Not this woman, anyway. Does she masturbate?
2. No, probably not.
3. I doubt it, but I haven't had it done, so other people may know better.

 

no. no and when most women Ive been with had theres tied they were better

 

Thanks Kim,

She very rarely masturbates. A couple of years ago I wondered if she was doing that without telling me, so I took her vibe apart and disconnected a wire. It took about 2 months for her to notice. I also suggested that maybe she should try to find her G spot herself, or use a dildo to try and cum from penetration, but she won't go there.
It really sucks because I love to make her cum, and she loves it when I do, but the next time it's like, "no thanks"

 

You don't mention her age... That can have a lot to do with it. We're both approaching 60, and she doesn't naturally lube like she used to, so some things are naturally more painful. We also both work long hours and end up only having sex on weekends. When we do, I normally make her cum orally and she'll have several orgasms... AND it's not a problem for me, because I love giving oral!

She still masturbates on rare occasion, and I've tried to encourage her to take it when she can. I'll generally take things into my own hands during the week if I get horny, and she has no problem with that. Not being married to her is not an option for me...I can't imagine not being with her. We've been together over 40 years.

I think that if she just couldn't have sex anymore, she'd allow me to have a fuck-buddy. We try to keep things interesting with fantasies... I wish you luck.

 

I really feel for your situation and have a lot of respect for you for sticking with it and trying to work things out when there is certainly an open door for cheating. In my own personal life experience, I've found that when there is a problem with sex, there is a problem in the relationship. Sex is an expression of trust, lust and desire. If those elements are lacking elsewhere in the relationship, the sex will suffer.

I know that in my situation, when I had something else bothering me in our relationship, the sex suffered if i felt there was a breach of trust, or lack of understanding, etc. It would be my guess that there is something else going on besides the sex issue and you need to get to the root of the problem.

Best of luck to you.

 

i may be selfish but i want to cum EVERY time i get sex!!!!

my husband never wants sex and i want it ALL the time!!

i had my tubes tied and i still have a HUGE drive!! i had a hysterectomy in april and i still have a huge sex drive!!

 

Cardinal Sin: She's 40, but the juices will still flow, if she lets me spend couple of minutes warming up the oven. I tell her, but she doesn't understand that unexciting sex may make the balls feel better, but it does nothing for the mind or heart.

Collen: Yes we do have issues outside of sex, she was caught by me with her hand in the cookie jar, then lied about everything. One lie would contradict the other so then she would lie and tell me she never said the first, even thought it was only about 2 minutes earlier. This happened repeatedly in various scenarios, destroying my respect for her. At this time she was already stingy with the sex for years, but said it was because she didn't feel the love from me. Big surprise.

Kitten: There's not much I wouldn't give to be with someone who is into and excited about sex like you are!!!

 

Hey, dude, sorry for your situation.

I'm young and I've only had young women, but just tossing my two cents in here. I agree with Kimiko in that you should sit down with her and have a very serious and mature conversation with her.

I know I'm not much help, but just trying to give you a little extra push in the direction that Kimiko told you to go in.

I hope things work out for you.

 

Are women really OK with only cumming once in a while? no.
Could you be with someone that has a much lower sex drive? no. we have to be sexually compatible
Can the tying of tubes kill her sex drive? i heard (on oprah) today that having a certain procedure can take away her ability to get "excited" through her clitoris, but there IS something she can do mentally to get it back. i'm gonna look this up for you, just incase it might have to do with your wife.

 

Thats a really tough spot man. I can see that the problems stem from not only the sex, but from the problems outside of sex, i can tell theres a communication problem. You can't just let that fester man, or it will become worse, if you guys can't have sex, and if you can't talk about why its going bad, without hurt feelings, then nothing can improve.
i feel for you, i couldn't imagine being in a marriage where things were like that, it makes me feel lucky for the girl that i'm with, but you just need to go to her with this, explain how your feeling, and put it all on the table, or else you will only be unhappy.

Communication is so important.

 

sometimes meeting your match on a porn site can be beneficial.

 

Your situation sounds awfully familiar to me. My wife is 42 and we don't have sex even once a month. Maybe on average we do but sometimes we go a couple of months without touching each other. I am 46 and masturbate about ten times a week and I believe she masturbates maybe once a month.

My problem is she is very emotional about life and is usually too upset and tired to even care about sex. When we do get together it usually is just mutual masturbation because intercourse for her is uncomfortable. I am not huge (7") but I can usually only be inside her for a few minutes before it hurts her. She gets moist after the right combination of stimulation and foreplay but dries out quickly. Lube doesn't completely help the problem and just prolongs the inevitable. I also take a really long time to cum, even when masturbating, so the two just aren't compatible for making love.

Her problem has always been there, or got progressively worse over time, and mine got more pronounced after my vasectomy, so I have not cum during intercourse in almost 13 years. Sex for us has been pretty boring and almost not worth the effort for about six or seven years. Anal is completely out of the question and she has told me so in those exact words.CardinalSin sounds like superman to me. I never before imagined giving up sex in my forties and he and his wife are still going strong in their 60s! Amazing! Congratulations!!

Thank God for this forum. If it were not for you folks, I would have almost zero sex life. Very sad, I know.

 

Sounds to me like her heart isn't in the relationship. You need to work on the larger issues besides sex now before its too late. I am speaking from experience here. I'm divorced due to similar circumstances. Frankly though, I'm better off and much happier.

 

My 2 cents

Personally, I do believe that women *can* be ok with not cumming on a regular basis. It depends on their sexual needs. Now, weather or not this is the case with your wife, I can't say. What it does sound like, is that this isn't about sex for her.
For many women, sex drive is tied directly into their emotional attachment and how safe and secure they feel.
Its possible she feels guilty about what ever you caught her at, and therefor doesn't feel as safe or open. this can defiantly effect ones sex drive.
It really sounds like you 2 need to work on reconnecting to each other. speaking from experience here, It'll take a while, and your going to feel horribly defeated at times, but if you keep at it, she'll come around. Keep trying, let her know you want to show her affection but don't know how she wants to receive it etc.
this is all assuming you haven't moved on already, good luck.

 

Define "once and a while." I've been with some women that told me they didn't need to...they just wanted to make me cum. I'm not at all comfortable with that. If i can't make them cum, then they shouldn't make me cum.

You're still quite young, x0Bella0x (and beautiful, if you don't mind my saying so). Things change when you get older. My wife and I have been married nearly 40 years. Her drive is down, and my ability to maintain erection long enough for a good fuck is down, but we still manage...somehow...to have a good sex life, just not as often as when we were young.

The wife didn't have her tubes tied, but she did have to have a hysterectomy fairly young (early 30s). After that, we fucked like bunnies. I don't know how much difference there ends up being in hormone production, but it didn't affect us for a long time.

All of that aside, it sounds like the problem is elsewhere. You can love her and not love the things she does or did. When you say "hands in the cookie jar," it sounds like money woes, and those can really tear up a marriage. Lies just don't work in any scenario. I don't know how important it is for you to try and salvage things, but if you love her a lot, I'd say try to work it out.

 

Dude, my story is so similar it's scary. I really feel for you. My wife wants it once a month tops, and won't let me use my fingers or tongue "down there." Forget about G Spot stimulation on her. I wish i could give her that pleasure. About 3-4 times a year, I get to give her oral pleasure, but I have to stay at the clitoris. She cums and cums at least twice, and says I'm great at it, but then I have to wait another 2-3 months to even get to do that! And that's my favorite part of sex! Oh yeah, and she doesn't masturbate, at all. She thinks it's gross. Same with my fingers or tongue around or in her pussy. yeah, we've had the heart to heart talk. yeah, we've been through marriage counseling. I'm sticking things out, but feel like I'm really missing out sometimes...

 

i'm almost 30.

 

Thanks for the input everyone.
We've had the serious discussion many times and it helps for a bit, but then fades. It's not that we never have sex, but more that she just wants me to stick it in and finish up quick. I like to take my time, lots of foreplay, teasing, and to have BOTH of us cum. Getting her off gets me off. It's not at all fulfilling when the partner is not into it. She did say that she might "subcontract" the anal out to someone else for me though.

Cheers

 

Congratulations! Statistically, you are at your sexual peak right now. Enjoy it!