:mrgreen: since i know everyone (or most) gets these FWed to them, i thought i'd share this one, because i can actually remember my mother sending these e-mails to me. funny stuff.

Subject: FW: THANKS FOR YOUR EDUCATIONAL E-MAILS
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I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails
over the past year.


Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door
without using a paper towel.


I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know
what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.


I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood
anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of
nasty germs including feces.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking
your nose.


Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the
years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it
on the floor of a public bathroom.


I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one
about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once
I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending
me for participating in their special e-mail program .


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my
every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.


Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on
their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I
now have their recipe.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because
a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.


And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a
rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician...


Have a wonderful day...

 

Excellent, Lisa! And the thing is, you have just scratched the surface of 'helpful' warnings!!!

 

:excited:

 

*Opens email*

 

haha. this was cute. boy, am i so glad i don't get forwards!

 

That was adorable. Now get naked and lets make out

 

Nice one Lisa, I just sent it off to my mother-in-law.

She's the typical retired Florida person that's afraid to leave the house because of all the boogeymen and germs and sends out 200 emails a day with this crap. :excited:

Tina

 

hahaah!!! :mrgreen:

 

:excited::excited: