lol

 

Women.... You have nothing to worry about when your man takes a shower before going out.
It's when he takes a shower when he gets home, that you need to worry.

 

I was asked recently whether I liked porn.

Do I like porn? Does a bear shit in a Japanese schoolgirl's mouth?

 

Thanks for the laugh.

 

A bloke walks into a pizza joint that just so happened to be owned by a Tibetan monk. Thinking he'd be a funny guy, he looked at the 'holy-man' and said "Make me one with everything". The monk smiled and "That will be £8.00". Laughing to himself, the man hands over £10.00. Again the monk grins and says "Thank you, it will be ready in 20 minutes". Bewildered, the man asks "Where's my change?". The monk somberly answers "Change must come from within."

​

 

An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub.

We never invite the welshman because he's a cunt.

 

funny

 

I find it truly amazing that all the beautiful girls that message me when I sign into a free porn site are from my home town. What are the odds?

 

Just got back from the future...........You wouldn't believe how many blades they have on razors

 

Single vs. Engaged vs. Married.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered towards her friends and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
With a heavy sigh, the married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning.. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at their Grandparent's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, audibly passed gas, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

​

 

What is the point in foreplay on pornos?

If I can't be arsed with it when having real sex, I certainly don't want it in my wank.

 

Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realised he was the favorite twin

I have been in France taking part in a strawberry crushing competition. I came 2nd, A woman with no legs won it...Jammy cunt

 

A kid knocked on my door and said to me "Trick or Treat"
I said to him "Sorry, but I'm not American"
He replied "There's nothing wrong with adopting some American culture"
"Ok, get off my doorstep before I shoot you."

 

Old man comes home to find his 65 year old wife jumping up and down on the bed with no top or bra on.
"What the hell are you doing" he says
"I went to the doctors today and he said i have the tits of an 18 year old" replies the woman.
"Yeah but what did he say about your 80 year old cunt"??
Woman smiles and says "he never asked about you"!

 

LED strip lights on the front of your car.

For when the dick on your forehead just isn't big enough.

 

Osama Bin Laden is fed up with hiding in caves. He's contacted a public relations agency who promised him that, in return for spending a few years in jail, all his fucked-up terrorism will be forgiven, he'll be made a world hero, given his own country to rule, which will be populated by the people he once killed, and he can steal all of their hard-earned possessions.

Well, it worked for Nelson Mandela.

 

the other day i was feeling terrebly sad ... so i called up one of those suicide prevention help lines ... the call ended up in a call center in Pakhistan !

i told them i wanted to comite suicide !

they´ve welcomed the idea with great enthusiasm and asked me if i could drive a truck

 

These are good, keep it up.

=^_^=

 

Thank you. I'm a fond admirer of Pee-wee Herman, as well.

Honestly - who HASN'T squeezed one off in a movie theater?