*Mods, if you find this to be more appropriate move to general discussion. I will not argue, but I put it here because I am seeking advice*

I have began seeing a girl, we are both adults and both fairly successful and content with what we've accomplished in life. She is an African American (politically correct term, no?) And I am Caucasian. We spend lots of time together and are developing a really strong bond and relationship. We love each other a lot, I can tell by how she acts with me, that is not in question.
We are extremely affectionate to each other. I am the type of guy who always wants my hands on my partner. Rather its simple watching tv with my arm over a shoulder or giving a footrub in our idle time to massages and things like that.

The problem is she doesn't want me to touch her in public. No walking arm in arm or holding hands or anything. She says this is not because she is ashamed of me or anything but rather she cannot stand the judgemental looks some people would inevietable give us. She says being judged like that hurts her feelings. I am understanding of this point, but it hurts my feelings that she doesn't want me to touch her as well. To me it is a barrier and her image is more important than our love. The question is what middle ground can we find, that while I respect her opinion, don't hafta feel outcast myself.

We live in the south, and in the bible belt. Prejudice runs long and deep here, but it is everywhere so it doesn't really matter.

I want her to be happy and don't want her to be hurt. But I cannot stand being pushed away for what some stranger may or may not think. In my opinion they can look and judge all they want. Because if they are judging me anyway I don't care for their opinion good or bad because those aren't the kind of people I want around to start with.

So what is a good solution? We have agreed to a certain degree she will allow but then she will push away if someone looks at us wrong and it breaks my heart. How can we compromise or how can we move past this?

Thanks.

 

You could always move out of the social dump hole the south is.

Now that I've made the pre-requisite joke about the south, onto serious business.

I am the offspring of a bi-racial couple, and our family has had our share of... Negative encounters... Actually, wait.... How do your families feel? They are a potential source of support. And also animosity, unfortunately.
Have you spoken to your girlfriend about how you feel? That would be a good place to start.

I'm sorry I don't think I've been very helpful...

BTW, good job on getting an African, they're the best!

 

She is extremely strong willed and confident. Normally if someone says or acts in a way she doesn't like she ignores it without batting an eye. But this is a hill that must be climbed. I have shared with her how I feel. She has said nothing back.

 

Is moving out of the south a viable option?

 

What's with you and the south?? Crazy dude. What you don't like tea or something?

Jokes aside we both love it here, and you can't move away from it. Some areas may have more or less of it but it will always be there.
We were both raised here, both have family here. Both of our moms have bad medical problems we couldn't abandon. We love it here. It is home. I already own my own land and home. We won't move away from the south, even if we move about the state.

 

As a gay man, I know this situation all too well.

Of course if a man walks next to a woman, most people will assume you're a couple, even if you are not touching. Are you getting judgmental looks anyway?

The ideal solution would be to touch and hold hands with her *especially* when people are looking. Or else the racists have taken that freedom away from you.

Realistically, it's a bit more complex. She wants to be with you and just live her life and doesn't want to fight racist views. And there's of course the danger of something more serious, like physical violence. It happens to gay men in oh so liberal Berlin, Germany. It might happen to interracial couples in southern USA..

 

I live in the south and I see it several times a day. No issue with me and I was brought up to think black is bad. Both my wife and myself have a couple swap with a black couple and we love seeing each other with a different race.

 

stop worrying what other ppl think it will only make extra problems, be the strong man and make her the strong women who doesnt give a shit of what those other ppl think, there small minded idiots that secretly think they would like it too im sure, be proud of your girl and how things are

 

I use to live in Georgia in a rural town and I had a black boyfriend. We would go to movies, shopping and never caught any flack about it even when we kissed in public.

 

Traci I'm not black, but I would like to fuck your hot pussy

 

You're girlfriend seems to have a confidence problem, i would suggest that you don't give up and try to convince her to hold hands maybe in at the movies, and then once in a while while going to a diner or even a fast food restaurant, you know small confidence building steps.
Personally i think it is lovely that you'll are together and you'll should'nt give up and feel bad because of what other people think, and as other have written here maybe you'll just live in a place that is a big difficult but you know changing the world takes time, so just keep on building you're and you're girlfriends confidence and goodluck with it.

 

Thank you all for the replies

As far as her having a confidence problem, this is not so. She may be the single most confident woman I've ever met.
And I would like to hold her and kiss her just to snub my nose at the racist assholes who judge us, but she won't allow it.

Working in small steps is what we are doing now. She doesn't mind being seen with me. In a restuerant or movie, she just doesn't want me to touch her.

 

I see interracial couples all the time down here in the south, my brother married an African American, had a kid by her, had another kid out of wedlock with another AA, it is bullshit that nonsoutherners cast dispertions on the south as being a place where interracial mix is unacceptable, looks and/or comments are no worse down here than anywhere else, and are few and far between. If the south is such a racist area how come we have so many African Americans embracing it as home? I'll tell you something the southern US has more than the rest of this country, it is called hospitality, all the brazen, pretentious northeners sure don't mind traveling here in droves for vacation, hmmm, they must like the way we keep all the blacks corraled in a racist, controlling grip. My advice to the OP, go out with friends more often and let her realize that most people just don't even consider the mix a problem or something that even stands out. Sometimes paranoia is in your head only, all the time if you've been burning weed.

 

I was thinking of hospitality as I held the door open for a few women the other day. And when I did close the door the next guy held it open for the next group. I thought, up north people hold doors for people too. They are called doormen and do it by the hour plus tips. Damn stuck up yankees. *shrug* leaving the south doesn't escape bigotry. In fact. I imagine due to our loving and easy going lifestyles it is now more accepted here than anywhere.

 

Move to Seattle.Up here things are very laid back and nonjudgemental in regard to mixed race couples.The south can be such a toilet.

 

It's easy to say "Don't let what other people think bother you" but for some people it's not easy at all. In fact, it can be downright uncomfortable for some and they'd rather avoid as much as posible. Everybody has different limitations and if that's hers, you should respect her feelings about it, imo.

 

I am worried

I am somewhat worried by her reasons, and the fact that she pre-supposes negative reaction from people and that she "cannot stand the judgemental looks some people would inevitably give us". This in itself is a judgemental statement about "people", whoever they are and however they may (or may not) react.
I suggest you both go and see a counsellor, mostly for her sake.

 

In New Jersey where I live I see interracial couples all the time. I use to date a fillipino and no one ever seemed to look at us differently. I even live in a 95 % white area and no one around here seems to think anything of it.

 

Looks like you are going to have to spearhead the revolution brother.

 

I don't understand the logic behind someone needing counceling for wanting to live their lives and not be judged. I don't know where your from but comformity must be a big thing there.

And thank you to everyone for the positive input (or those who gave positive input)

This type of thing Is common and accepted most of the time. But to pretend like it doesn't exsist is pure ignorance. It is everywhere because people don't want to let go. A simple fact: just because we aren't being stoned in the street doesn't mean people don't whisper or give a sideways glance. This happens everywhere, everyday. Some people notice it more than others but it is no more or less here than anywhere else.