hi this is my first story, please be kind. ashlee is my gf in real life

One night i decided to take her out for a nice dinner and a movie, hoping that it would get me in her pants. When i pick her up from her house she opens the door wearing a short black skirt with thigh high nylons and the ends of the garter belt straps are visible, she's wearing a sleeveless turtle neck and i could see her very erect nipples poking through the material as if they were greeting me. i ask is she's ready for a fun night and she says "it'll be funnier then you can imagine". This peaked my curiosity. After a decent dinner and a horrible movie we get back to her house, she asks if i want to come inside for a while and i say, "sure why not, i have nothing better do tonight." as she gets out of the car she winks and drops her purse, when she bends over to pick it up i can see that she's wearing my favorite garter belt with a thong that sat neatly in between the lips of her camel toe. I quickly became erect and excited. When we get inside she goes upstairs and says she's "changing into something more comfortable". after 10 minutes or so i hear the sound of high heels clicking on the wooden stairs. What i see next i will never forget.

to be continued.

 

Good start

Each paragraph should be 4 to 6 sentences in length. Slower descriptions, maybe even mention what led to you liking her wearing garter belts. Give a little back story, and feel free to use artistic merit.

 

im just going to start over, give myself a clean slate. here we go, again!

One night i decided to take her out for a nice dinner and a movie, she had been begging me to take her out for a couple of weeks but due to our schedules neither one of us had much time for each other. I figured that since we hadn't fucked in a week or so that taking her out would maybe create some sexual tension we could "release" later that night. I told her to dress up and i would be over later that night to pick her up, she said "ok" and said that it would be fun. When i got to her house i walked up to the door and she opened it before i could even knock.

She was wearing a sleeveless turtle neck and i could see her erect nipples poking through the material as if they were saying hi. As my eyes moved down i noticed she was wearing a short black skirt with a pair of black nylons and i could see that she was wearing a garter belt because i could see the ends of the straps. I had ever seen her wear a garter belt in public before but she knew i LOVED them. For some reason i think that her legs only being covered up to the thigh in material and the little straps running up her leg the rest of the way was very sexy and seductive looking.

After going out to olive garden and going to see a movie so horrible i dont even remember the name, we went back to her house, it was late in the evening and the sun was going down. She asked if i wanted to come in and stay a while. She usually didn't ask if i wanted to come in after dates, peaking my curiosity i said "sure, why not, i dont have anywhere else i have to be". She winked at me as she turned to get out of the car, as she turned she dropped her purse, as she bent over to pick it up i could see that she was wearing a pair of panties that gently rode in between the lips of her camel toe.

When we got inside we sat and cuddled and talked for a while, she was still dressed in this outfit, i wanted to rip it off of her and start fucking her like there was no tomorrow, at one point she placed her hand on my thigh and slid her hand up until she felt my cock, she massaged it and played with it for a while, giggling the whole time. After that she said she was "changing into something more comfortable". Knowing in my mind that she was as horny as i was my penis instantly started to become erect in my tight jeans. She took her high heels off when we came home but as she started walking down the stairs i heard the sound of them clacking on each step.

to be continued.

 

The sound of each high heel clacking on the hard wood floor peaked my curiosity. Her staircase is partially covered on the top half by a small wall, she walked down until i could only see her legs that went on forever, she was wearing a pair of black thigh highs with a lacy garter belt and matching boy-shorts. In a soft yet forceful voice she says, "do you want to shove you rock hard cock into this and fuck me until i can't walk anymore?". She had never talked like that before, but i liked it. I responded to her in a weak voice, "you have no idea." She walked down the steps a little bit more, just enough for me to see she was wearing a corset. It was a black lacy corset with ribbons on each side tying the back and front together.

She says in a forceful voice, "close your eyes or else you will never get the chance to fuck this tonight!". Not wanted to miss an opportunity i closed my eyes, all i could hear was the sound of her heels coming down the rest of the steps, then i could hear nothing due to the fact her living room has carpet flooring. All of a sudden i hear her put on some soft, sensual music. Soon after i feel her grinding up against me. I open my eyes and she's giving me one of the best lap dance's i've ever seen. She works all the way up and down my body, where her head gets close to my cock she blows on it, i quiver in excitement and pleasure. She rubs her ass and breasts all over me and my rock hard cock. She looks down as asks, "it that my payment?" All i could do is nod my head, she then replies, "well i better use it before it goes away."

To Be Continued.

 

She then slowly proceeded to unzip my pants and pull out my rock hard cock, she then turned around and started rubbing the head of my cock against her ass and pussy. I could feel the pussy juices dripping and soaking through her panties. My cock was dripping and oozing out pre-cum. She lets go of my cock long enough for me to pull my pants of the rest of the way. I then take my shirt off and she proceeds to walk up and sit on my lap still dressed in her lingerie. I could feel my cock pushing against the soaked panties, if they were not there i easily would have been insider her. She then slowly strips of the corset, making sure she doesn't expose either one of her breasts until the corset is being thrown over her shoulder, she slowly leans forward and locks both arms out of either side of my head. I slowly come closer and start sucking and nibbling on her nipples.

She moaned in pleasure, then she whispers in my ear, "pull my panties to the side and shove your rock hard cock into my tight dripping pussy and fuck me as hard as you can." I quickly pulled her panties to the side of her pussy and slowly shoved my cock into her soaked pussy. As soon as my head touched her pussy she moaned again, as she moaned i felt her pussy explode with more juice that ran down my cock as i slide it deeper inside her. I was still sucking on her nipples while my cock was just sitting insider of her. Neither one of use were moving, but i could tell that just having me in her was good enough for the time being. She then tells me to stop sucking her nipples, i then proceed to stop and look up at her. Our eyes meet as she starts to slowly bounce on my cock, her eyes had a look of intense passion. With every bounce her 36 C cup breasts bounced up and down smacking each other.

to be continued.

 

I couldn't take it anymore, i quickly pulled out, laid her down on the couched and shoved her legs up to her chest. I shove my hard cock into her pussy as deep as it would go, she moaned and screamed in pleasure. my cock was soaked with her pussy juice, she then screams, "OH PLEASE FUCK MY TIGHT VIRGIN ASSHOLE!!". She have never said anything about being interested in anal sex before, so i quickly lubed up my cock, and slowly slid into her tight ass, my cock could barely fit. She moaned and screamed, she grabbed the couch in her tight clenched fists. i went to finger her pussy but she released her grip from the couch and pushed my hand out of the way. she took one hand and shoved 3 of her fingers deep into her pussy, pulled them out and licked and sucked the juice off of them. With her other hand she was rubbing her clit as fast as she could.

We had never had such a kinky, dirty, passionate sex before, it was amazing fucking her tight ass while she made herself, almost orgasm, stop then start again. Her pussy was so wet that i couldn't take it anymore, i pulled out of her ass and got on my knee's and started sucking and tonguing her pussy. She then grabbed the back of my head and forced me to go deeper with my tongue. Her juices tasted amazing, i would stop pull my head out of her thighs, go up to her face, kiss her and she would lick the juices off of my face. When i did she tells me, "fuck my ass again, im ready to cum". so i shove my cock back into her ass and she starts playing with her clit again.

to be continued.

 

Your descriptives are excellent.

Problem areas include:

Punctuation - I don't know how serious you want to be as a writer but if it's greater than "not at all serious" then you need to pay attention to things like capitalization, proper paragraph formats and the like.

Dialogue - Your dialogue is a little choppy, aside from being out of format paragraphwise it's a little unnatural. Try to imagine how you or somebody you know would say a sentence in normal conversation before you write it. Not bad though, contentwise.

Lack of Context - This may seem like something trivial, and it's difficult for me myself to put in words, but your story kind of lacks a "4th dimension". The better stories on these forums are ones where the reader gets an idea of and a feel of the places the characters are in, the thoughts that are going through the characters heads (even if they aren't mentioned), etc. Basically, there has to be some bigger picture going on outside of what's actually in the story. Maybe somebody more schooled in the intricacies of writing can explain this better than I can...

That aside, you have talent and you're clearly capable of making good material. Like I said your descriptives are right up there with the pros, you just need to build on that with maybe a "richer" story and clean up some of those lazy mistakes in format.

 

The whole dialogue thing will work itself out. That is what makes it read choppily(sp). Though you do show potential in your work. Keep writing and read over what results.

I would recommend a few tips.

Read a few authors here (not the best or most known necessarily), but those of whichever genre you are writing for. Compare your wording and theirs. If you need to, use their descriptions to see how you could improve.

I didn't see anything else really. Very good first effort nateispro

 

thanks guys, i really appreciate the constructive criticism. I will take all of your advice and use it to improve my writing, thanks

 

great story keep it up

 

ohno

 

nice

 

i will used the criticism i gained in my next story but for now heres the rest.

She is screaming, moaning, groaning, with every shove of my cock into her ass, she i furiously playing with her clit, she see the vibrator that she brought down and proceeds to grab it. She turns it onto full speed and sets it onto her clit, with my cock deep in her ass she screams and squirts as she comes to a amazing orgasm. She soaks my legs and sack in her juice, she tells me to pull out. I do so and pull the condom off that i had been wearing, she then sucks on my cock and balls making sure all of her juices are cleaned off. I can hardly take it anymore, she sucks on my head while stroking my shaft in a circular motion making sure every inch of my cock is being pleasured. She then starts to suck on my sack while massaging my cock with her hands.

The feeling of my sack being sucked on pushed me to the edge, i was ready to cum so i had her give my sack on last big long sucking, and then i had her flick the head of my cock with her tongue while she stroked me. Then in an onrush i released one of the biggest loads i've ever produced, i made her place her lips over my cock so all of my cum would go into her mouth, after i came she looked up at me and smiled, letting the cum run out of her mouth. It was the most memorable night i've ever had.

 

bump, hey guys how did you like it?

 

i liked it. there were typos, but nothing serious. it sounded a little less detailed than any of the cybers ive done. but i shows u have either a good imagination with a couple tech. flaws, (if shes on her back, di u flip her or get her on her knees to do her ass?) or it really happened and u left out those little point A to point b details.

 

Not bad keep working on it. The more you write the easier it will get.

About dialogue: The rule is that you begin a new paragraph when a new person begins to talk even if they are only saying a word or two back and forth. You also need to identify the speaker unless it's obvious. If it's an extended dialogue between only two people you don't have to do it every time because all the he saids and she saids get tedious. But after you have firmly established who is who you still need to do it about every third shift otherwise readers tend to get confused.

Doing dialogue can be a lot of fun. It just takes practice because we don't actually talk the way dialogue is written. When someone is speaking we have a lot of other visual clues and tone of voice to clarify what they mean. As a writer you have to make do with only about half of our actual ability to communicate in person.

A quick example:

"Let's fuck," Brandon said.

"Okay," She answered.

"Well, spread your legs slut," he demanded. "And be quick about it."

Brandon was my Brother and a total asshole. What's more he had gained control of me by using a spell he found in a book. Now he could make me do anything he wanted.

So he talks, she talks, he talks again, and then she speaks as the narrator, the person who is telling the story. Each voice has it's own paragraph.

 

Great job keep it up! :excited:
I'll be watching for more

 

good job...I like your stories

 

Great story dude, fuck the idiots that are giving "advice". If people needed a publisher's opinion they would not write on a porn forum.

Good story. Hope you have a lot more of these nights. You chick sounds hot.

 

bump! i have a lot of stories about my experiences with her. anything specific you would like to read next?