Yes I think you've worked it out. He's frightened to show you himself because of his perception of how good you look.

Also you seem to have a high sex drive and if you're already tired that can be like having a mountain to climb. Have you tried giving him a blow job or something when he comes in from work. If did it as a treat just for him but don't expect anything in return you can make a man feel really special.

Last thing is it may be not having your own place making him hold back.

 

I agree with most everything said above. But I think maybe you should just also tell him.......no more ass until he scratches that other itch and then limit the ass to maybe twice a week.....just my 2 cents worth.

 

You said he works 12 hour shifts and that you live with your sister and her husband.

From that, I think the lights are off because he doesn't feel attractive. For a lot of men, our self-esteem is tied to what we do. Is he earning his full potential? He's not able to put a roof over your head so he probably feels like he's not bringing home the bacon. To a man, this is a big fucking deal. A lot of women kind of intellectually understand this, but I don't know if any really understand how deep that feeling can go. It's our role and when things go wrong it can be crushing.

The more he loves you, the more he may feel like he's letting down someone that really matters.

Using your vibrator next to him and not involving him must have been humiliating for him. Really, how would you feel if it were reversed and you weren't included?

You need to be supportive of him in a way that isn't pitiful and help him get his warrior back. Send your knight on a quest to fix your car or balance your checkbook. Tell him you love him for staying strong and working hard in the face of a crappy, embarrassing, no-win situation. A lot of so-called men might have given up by now, and he's still in the fight. Remind him that nobody, especially not your damn vibrator, can fuck you like he can.

 

I think you are being given a lot of good advice here. It is tough to send you any direction other than communication for a few reasons. The most obvious is that it is the key to any relationship.

There are so many pieces of information missing here. You said you had a kid a year ago, is that child with you? Is that the only child you two have?

You said he couldn't be cheating because your sister is a busy body and would let him have it. What has she said to him in the past? You are living in her home with her husband? What has he said to him as well?

Those are just a few examples. Without discussing it with him and having all of the information it would be tough to really provide a strong answer for you.

Here are the observations though from what you have said... if he is working twelve hours a day then he has just twelve hours a day left. You still have the commute to and from work to add in there as well as the time to get ready and go each day. Add in sleep and you are talking about only a few hours to have at home with his family. Exhaustion might be a big part of the equation.

You might say that this is a problem from before the twelve hour days though. You said that he only wants to make love in the dark. Well, you do live with your family and, possibly, kids. He may not want to get caught. He may not like his body and think that you are just faking liking it. There are a million different reasons that this might be going on.

You used a vibrator next to him and you suspect he was awake the entire time. Well, do to exhaustion he may not have been able to get it up. Who knows, he seemed to like that you did it since he rolled over and kissed you. He didn't sit on his side of the bed huffing. Sounds like he wants you to get your needs met but you are finding times when, for one reason or another he just can't do that.

I would advise you to talk with him. Don't talk with him in the house with everyone there. You need to go somewhere else quiet and have a chance to talk. Also, when you do get the chance to talk use the basics of "pop psychology 101" The "I feel" statements. Make sure to phrase your discussion in a manner that emphasizes the nature of the conversation, your discussion of how you feel. Instead of saying "you only want to make love with the lights off", you start it with "I feel like you only want to...." This sounds corny but it is a way of acknowledging that what you are feeling may not be fact but is what you feel. Listen to what he says and respond by restating it in your own words. "I hear you saying that..." Make sure to acknowledge his feelings and that while you may not agree, they are valid.

It sounds dumb, I know. The road to open communication is tough, we are taught some bad traits in our lives that make it even tougher. We also face the struggle of wanting to get overly emotional, as you said you do, without listening to see what the other person is saying. IF you follow the "I feel", "I hear" statements you should be able to have a conversation in which you are not leaving feeling as if you are being treated horrible.

Now, that brings us to the last point. I think you have been given good advice on what he needs as well. The struggle with "I feel" and "I hear" is that some guys might think it emasculating. It is a form of communication that may feel feminine to them and as such they may not opt to speak in those terms. Make sure that you still do. You are trying to work on your needs in the situation.

I would look to finding a plan for your family that will eventually have you living on your own. I think the folks that have spoken to you about the prototypical male stereotype of provider are allowing for another set of insight that can help you. It is tough to be a partner and a parent, that can feel even tougher if you feel that you are unable to provide for your families basic needs by yourself.

Find a way to map what your financial needs and goals are as a couple. Create clear timelines for debt management and for an eventual move from your sisters home.

Anyway, I think I've rambled on long enough. I wish you and he the best of luck.

 

post a pic from the neck down and we can give you an accurate answer.

 

Write him a letter explaining your concerns, and explaining why you didn't want to have the conversation in person. Sometimes that's the easiest way to get things out in the open.

 

It doesn't have anything to do with him not being attracted to you, I worked a full time job for a while where I was pulling 60-70 hours and I was just too plain tired to have sex as constantly as usual. And then when I would I'd be exhausted the next day because my job wasn't allowing me enough time to get enough sleep every night.

Don't always assume it's you, it could just be he's exhausted. Thank god I don't have that job anymore, was killing my sex life.

 

You said that he had told you that he didn't consider himself to be attractive. That could play a major part in whether or not he wants to have sex. Also working 12 hours is exhausting no matter what you do, most of the time when you get home you just want to go to sleep. The fact that he's actually been willing to have sex shows just how dedicated he is to you.

 

Wow,
My first reply! Don't sweat the 3-days, especially with his shifts. Granted, I'm a bit older, actually, a lot older, but I tend to work 12 - 4 hours 7 days a week. (self employed) I usually end up going 2 or 3 months without a day off. My wife works with me and has a similar schedule. it's not unusual for us to go a couple weeks or longer. It's not the lack of love or desire, but a total lack of energy. You're lucky he's willing to work so hard for you. Your best bet is to let him know you care about him, and really want him, both emotionally and physically. He'll really appreciate it.

 

Next time you use the vibrator in bed, use it on him that will wake him up.

 

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Prozac... and stretch marks are gross... but seriously some people need less sex than others. I like it every day but some people don't need it as much. He might think every three days or so is fine so like other people said just talk to him.

 

Boyfriend attracted to me?

You say lights have to be off. Seems that a change has occurred somewhere. Do you need lights on? Maybe he is fantasizing about someone else. If so, this is rather common. Why don't you imagine you are being intimate with the one you have a fantasy about. That might work.

 

I feel your pain but the best option you have is to talk to him. Try to get give specific examples of when you felt he's ignored you or turned you down and see what he says.

I have had personal experience with this and there is no easy answer. My guy just doesn't seem nearly as interested and I feel like I've done all I can to be exciting and fun. We've had so many talks about it that I'm just bored to tears with the same old bitchfest we seem to get into. I told him that I get tired of always being the one to initiate and I asked him why he never feels the urge to touch me or start something. He just said he was tired and figured that I was always initiating sex because I'm "that way." Well I am but that doesn't mean he should be taking it for granted.

 

That sounded like a good idea to me too until a week and a half in and he hadn't made a move. We really had it out that night.

 

So much great input here - gj everyone. I still believe he is to tired but obviously there is a lot more going on, little privacy, self esteem, etc. With that said, I had a bf who went through a phase where we didn't do it for a while. Well I should say he didn't do it for a while. I never stopped. I masturbated daily. I'd do it in the bathroom as he showered or while we showered together, in the bed while touching him, while watching football together, I'd touch him, suck him, masturbate him, even climb all over him. Sometimes he'd get hard, sometimes he'd leak, sometimes I'd get him off, sometimes I'd ride him. Whether he was all into it or not, I maintained it, enjoyed it regularly. He eventually snapped out of his funk. Your guy, however, needs more rest but it does not mean you cannot enjoy yourself in his presence. I love orgasming around my man! Enjoy yourself, I am certain he will appreciate it as well. My guy loves for me to tell him how much I love doing myself for him, how much I love him, how much I love making love to him. Try it!