Thanks

 

A guy walks into a bar and says"can I have a six pack,I just had a blow job".
The barman says"here have a six pack and a beer on the house".
Feeling like the almighty the patron asks" why the seventh beer".
The barman says "because if six doesn't wash it down maybe the seventh will".

 

A few more smilies!

 

more

 

and again

 

Good ones. The bear in the casino at Lake Tahoe is really priceless.

 

do you know this one?

the pope is up to visit the USA at the airport there are some japanese men shouting:" LOOk There's Elvis!!" while pointing at him. he shouts back:"i am the pope not Elvis!!"
later at the hotel there are some other tourists checking in one of them exclaims: "look there's Elvis" ; same answer
but then he walks down a road right into a "hOOters"-restaurant
there one of the girls shouts: "look there's Elvis" and what does the pope do?


----->> "A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION..."

 

too many miserable threads at the moment - or "congrats" of farting 13 times in the last minute so BUMP to this thread !

 

And God Created​

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.​

 

January 3rd 1950. I’ll never forget that day for as long as I live. I was getting my physical to join the Air Force. There must have been 200 guys there. We were told to line up down a long hall lined with benches. As the person ahead of you was called into a room you took his place on the bench. It seemed like for ever that we moved from room to room. They checked everything. First room I was given a hearing test. Next room I was given an eye exam. Next and the next were other exams. Slowly I made my way from room to room and finally the last room. I went in and the doctor told me to drop my shorts, so I did. Standing there buck ass naked. He told me to get onto the scales and weighed me. 135#. In the center of the room was a set of steps and he told me to run up and down them for awhile. Then he checked my pulse and heart.


Then he reached into his pocket and took out a quarter and tossed it at my feet. Now! He said “I want you to bend over without bending you knees and pick up the quarter” I bent over like he told me and he placed both of his hands on my shoulders and shoved his finger up my AAA





























“Wait just a damn minute!!! He had both hands on my shoulders!!!”

 

[FONT=Georgia, serif] B[/FONT][FONT=Georgia, serif]rokeback [/FONT][FONT=Georgia, serif]W[/FONT][FONT=Georgia, serif] oman!![/FONT]
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Sa! turday night.

He returned around 2:30 a.m., and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Now take off my panties and place them with the rest.

Then she looked at him and said:

'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

 

You Might Be A Redneck Cross dresser If...​

- You go to family reunions to meet guys.

- You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that ain't.

- You wear combat boots with a minidress.

- You wear jeans with a belt buckle that's bigger than your fist.

- You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun rack, a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame, and a Confederate flag on the tailgate, next to the bumper sticker that says "I sell Avon Skin-So-Soft."

- You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.

- You braid the hair that sticks through your fishnet stockings.

- Wear a black John Deere baseball cap with pearls.

- You use glitter to highlight your mustache.

- You wear tube tops with your mini, because it shows off your Harley-Davidson tattoo.

- Your favorite band ring came off a cigar.

- You keep spare ammo in your bra.

- You get a run in your stockings while changing a tire on your motor home.

- Your purse is a toolbox.

- You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle nosed pliers.

- You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.

- You use duct tape to keep your "tuck" in place.

- You call your vanity "your work bench."

- You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and eye liners.

- "Doing your nails" means sorting the ten-pennies from the sixteen-pennies.

- Your favorite leather skirt was made from the moose you shot last Fall.

- Your new sandals are made from truck tire re-treads your found on the road.

- You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.

- You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.

- Your best silver necklace is made from beer can pull-tabs.

- Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.

-. You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.

- Your moisturizer says "non-detergent SAE 10W30" on the container.

- You remove your leg hair with duct tape.​

 

Jay, a friend of mine went into the Army. Now, Jay is deathly afraid of heights. So, he was dreading the day they were to have to parachute out of an airplane. Finally, the day had come. He was last in line. One by one the others jumped out.
He got up there, went to jump; couldn’t do it. The sergeant yelled at him, “Boy, you better jump!” So, he went to jump; couldn’t do it. “What’s the matter boy? You some kind of pussy?” So, he went to jump again; couldn’t do it. “Boy, if you don’t jump out of this fuckin airplane, I’m gonna put 12 inches of big hard dick in your ass!!!”

So, I asked him, “Jay, did you jump?”

























“A little bit. At first.”

 

Good ones Oweena!

 

Time for a cheer up !

 

Super glue and flip flops - simple, but effective !

Ok well that's not working - never mind - it was actually quite funny

 

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?




Because everyone that can run, jump, or swim is already in the US

 

What do you call a Mexican Basketball game with two players?
You call it Juan on Juan

 

good joks

 

Whats the difference between a pygmy hunter and a female track star?


A pygmy hunter us a cunning runt....



Some business men go on a wilderness fishing retreat. they are flown into a lake in the middle of the wilderness. after setting up camp they discover they have forgotten to bring the boats. They text back to the office using a sat phone, " send up 3 punts and a canoe ASAP!". Several hours late they receive a text response, "The girls are on the way, what the hell is a panoe?"

A young priest and a young Rabbi, both having recently graduated from their respective religious institutions, find them selves staying at the same rooming house and realize that the church and the synagogue that they have been respectively been assigned to are close together and are on the other side of the city. This requires them to take the subway and several different buses to get to work every day. They have become quite good friends in the process and decide it would save a lot of time if they pooled there resources and got a cheap used car to share. So they find and buy an old clunker for a couple of hundred dollars and set off proudly for work. They pull up to the church first and the priest runs in, gets some Holy Water and sprinkles it on the hood (bonnet for you Brits) and blesses the car. Then they drive over to the synagogue and the Rabbi runs in grabs a hacksaw ans cuts an inch or so off the tailpipe.

Why don't American girls like beer parties on the beach?

The get sand in their Schlitz!