Here is my first ever story, likely full of rookie mistakes, i would actually like if you point out any spelling or grammer mistakes please! And also tell me what you think about it. Going to post it on the stories thing as soon as i am happy with it and then do a chapter 2 if there is demand for it! Also could you suggest titles and tags as i'm clueless!




Friday nights are always dull for me,my father was way over protective and

thought friday nights were for drunken slappers and old perverts, well that

was his excuse for making my curfew 7pm. I was 17, not 7, but try explaining

that to him.

It got to around 8 o'clock and I was already pacing around my room, I could

never find anything to amuse me for more than 10 minutes at a time. My dear

mother and father had left at 4 for a weekend away, leaving my 21 year old

brother Jack in charge for the night. My strictly rule abiding brother who

had exchanged his usual friday night in the pub for sitting in the livingroom

with his friends so he could ensure I would stay firmly planted dying this

horrible death of excruicating boredom.

The clock felt like it was taunting me, knowing tonight was going to drag in

I made my way to the kitchen hoping to grab a few beers and some snacks to

keep me company until I managed to get to sleep.

Trying to sneakily pull some beer out of the fridge I felt someone brush

against me, looking over my shoulder I realised it was only my Jack's best

friend Colin. Colin was more like a brother to me though, he was always in

the house with Jack. He was just over 6 foot tall, pale skin with jet black

short hair and beautiful green eyes, his muscles always slightly strained

whatever tshirt he was wearing at the time. I continued to grab a couple of

beers ignoring that he was behind me, even accidentally brushing up against

him.

It wasn't until I stood up and looked at his I noticed he was staring at me

strangely, I looked down and realised why. I was only wearing a short white

nightie which couldn't have covered my bum as I was bent over. Blushing pink

at the embarrasing incident that just happened, I grabbed the Doritos from

the counter and shuffled by Colin leaving him still standing in the same

position with that expression stuck to his face.

Speedwalking down the hall and in to my bedroom I breathed a sigh of relief

at the privacy. Throwing the beer down on the bed, I put a film in and lay

back, chilling out with a beer and some crisps made me forget all about the

red faced incident earlier.

I woke up to notice my tv still on, the movie must have restarted itself

while I was asleep, checking the clock and realising I still had hours before

I had to get up I had every intention on going back to sleep. I would have

went back to sleep if I didn't have the urge to pee, I tried squeezing my

legs shut but it just wasn't for happening. Jumping out of bed I shuffled

into the hall, down the corridor and into the toilet, just as I said down on

the toilet I realised my nightie was partially yellow and wet. Just before

panic set in that maybe I had had an accident I realised it looked and smelt

like beer, I must have fell asleep with it in my hand and its spilled.

stripping down just before I left the bathroom I put the dirty clothes in the

wash basket and opened the bathroom door.

Colin stood there, eyes half shut and arm outstretched to grab the door

handle. Wearing only a pair of tight white boxers I felt like I had never

really noticed him before, sure i'd seen him wearing barely any clothes

before but i'd never taken the time to realise how good looking he was. He

was the same age as my brother but looked so much older, so much more manly,

fierce and masculine.

As I realised I was staring I snapped out of it and went to brush past him

before realising I had no clothes on. I tried to retreat into the bathroom

but Colin had, not noticing my lack of clothing in his half concious state,

overtaken me and was halfway into the bathroom. Pausing as I tried to figure

out what to do I realised we were both there, inches from each other, both in

the doorway of the bathroom as his hand brushed over my stomach, his shoulder

gently tickling my nipple as he moved his arm as he turned round to face me.

His eyes automatically ran over my body, I could see him look down from my

neck to my 34F boobs down my flat stomach to my white lace panties and toned

thighs. He looked up, studying my face, the long blonde hair, bright blue

eyes and full lips.

Suddenly he moved forward and grabbed my arm, pulling me as close as I could

get he leaned forward and roughly kissed me. I could feel his fingers

digging in to my arm as his hot breathe met mine as his tongue darted about

my mouth, the roughness of his stubble grinding into my face. As I kissed

him back I could feel his dick get hard through his boxers, I could feel the

heat from it as he grinded it against my thigh and could feel myself getting

wet just thinking about what could happen next.

As I let my mind wander Colin realeased his grip on me, swore loudly and

apologised before walking away, leaving me standing in the doorway of the

bathroom, my lips still pouted and the shivers still running through my body.

I made a run for my bedroom not leaving time to stand there and think.

I made it to my bedroom without any encounters and jumped straight into my

bed and under the covers, letting it all sink in, he had kissed me, he looked

at me like he'd never seen me before. It's not like I was a virgin, I had

slept with a few guys before now, silly boys at school. If I had ever

thought about Colin romantically before, which I hadn't, I would have never

have considered he would even look twice at me.

It was then I noticed that as I was thinking all this and going over the

memory of the kiss in my head I had started rubbing 1 of my boobs, gently

massaging my nipple. Knowing that I wouldn't get to sleep feeling like this

I decided to tire myself out. I left 1 of my hands massaging my boob and let

the other gently rub my clit through my panties as I closed my eyes and

replayed the situation in my head, imagining what it would be like if he

touched me, ran his fingers through my hair or his hand gliding up my thigh

as he pulled my leg up around his waist. Wondering what it would feel like

to have him inside me, picturing it was him on top of me his muscley arms

pinning me down by the wrists while his teeth nipped at my neck, his toned

body rubbing up against mine, nudging my sensitive nipples and rubbing his

hard dick against my clit while his balls tickled my entrance before he moved

back and thrust it in.

Imagining it happening was so easy I felt my knickers get wet as I started to

orgasm, allowing myself to let out small moans that were barely whispers as I

thrust my hips forward and let go of my boob to slide a finger up inside me

as the orgasm hit me full throttle I let out a hushed moan just as my door

flew open. I lay completely still under the covers, desperately trying to

slow my breathing to a normal rate, both my hands both still resting inside

my pants. All the time hoping that either my door just opened itself or

someone had came in and thought I was sleeping so left again. I winced at

the thought of someone hearing my moans.

I lay there motionless as I listened carefully to see if anyone remained in

my room as I felt pressure on the bottom of the bed, I jerked out of the way

before realising someone was sat there, on the edge of my bed.

"Look, Ruby" said the mystery man at the bottom of my bed, from the voice I

knew it was colin, he sounded hesitant although I stayed silent.

"I didn't mean for that to happen, i'm sorry. We need to talk." he

continued, pausing between each word as if he was unsure what to say next. I

continued my silence and stayed motionless hoping he'd assume I was sleeping

and leave.

"You can't ignore me forever Ruby" Colin said as I felt him stand up,

releived that he was leaving. Then suddenly my eyes had to reajust to the

light as Colin ripped the covers off me laughing in a playful manner.

I looked up at him and quickly removed my hands from my pants hoping he

wouldn't notice, but as I done it his eyes shot down and straight away I seen

the bulge in his boxers grow and harden. I think my body had decided what I

should do before my brain reacted and automatically jumped out of the bed and

took the step towards him, staring up at him as I reached up and kissed him.

He reacted as I hoped he would and kissed me back, just as fierce and

desperate as before, his hands started to roam my body, he started just

brushing them up and down my sides before starting to run them over my boobs,

testing the water I suppose.

I moved closer and rubbed against him slightly, giving him the indication

that he should continue. He roughly cupped my boob with one of his hands as

he reached round and used his grip on my ass to pull me up against him, I was

suddenly aware of his hot cock poking at my pants. It turned me on so much

and all I could think about was feeling him in me and then I realised I had

already made the decision. I slowly pulled away from him letting his lips

follow mine as I lay back on to the bed, my hand around his neck guiding him

down with me, my other hand desperately tugging at his boxers, pulling them

down to his knees barely glancing at the average length but super thick cock

that was revealed.

As I lay down and pulled him on top of me I shimmyed out my pants, leaving us

both hot, naked and extremely horny. I repositioned myself underneath him so

his cock was barely an inch away from my entrance yet he didnt push in, part

of me wondered if he was having doubts or if he just wanted me to make the

first move. I stopped caring as I arched my hips up in one smooth motion

forcing his cock inside me. Colin gasped as it entered but within seconds he

was thrusting his hips forward to meet mine.

There was something animal instinct-like with sex like this, my legs wrapped

around his waist as I run my fingernails down his chest, marking but not

pernamently, just creating long red lines down his toned chest. He had one

hand on my stomach, pushing me down on to the bed and the other on my hip

holding me back while he pushed his cock into me, filling me up.

He rocked back and forth with unbeleiveable speed, his balls slapping against

my ass as his dick kept disappearing inside, as he kept up pace I had an urge

to rub again so removing one hand from his torso I reached down and placed

two fingers against my clit and let the rocking movement we were both stuck

in take control as it made my fingers glide back and forth over my clit,

feeling the tingling sensation stretch to my thighs and make me tense up my

stomach.

As a drop of sweat fell from Colin onto my stomach he made a change, instead

of slamming his cock into me at full speed he ground his hips round in a

circle, pushing deep into me at every turn, his cock rubbing against the

walls of my pussy, making it feel like it was swelling and soon it wouldn't

be able to fit anymore, I felt my eyes roll back into my head as I rubbed my

clit faster and harder, every time Colin grinded his cock against my side I

let out a moan, the moans soon got louder, as I got wetter and my clit got

soo sensitive I let out a muffled scream, clenching my teeth together as my

whole body shook. Just as my orgasm came to it's peak I thrust my hips up to

meet Colin's and moaned loudly and uncontrolably like I had never done before

just as I felt something inside me twitch and realised Colin has just filled

my pussy up with cum.

As I came down from my orgasm I could feel a mix of mine and his cum rolling

down my ass but neither of us moved, we just lay in the same position, both

heavily breathing, just then I heard the thud of my door swing open.

"What the fuck is going on!?"

Well that would mean my brother is awake then....

:rose:

 

Very, very good. I don't see any mistakes and it was a very sexy piece of writing. Please write another story soon.

 

Very nice story! It'll be very popular I bet.

The main thing if you really want your grammar perfect (not everyone does!) is run-on sentences. If you stick that into google you'll see.

There was a "rule abiding" where I'd have put 'rule-abiding', a grinded instead of ground, and an "it's" meaning 'of it', but generally it's great quality! The text formatting isn't ideal but I assume you're onto that.

Good luck, hope it does well!

 

well written. cute ending. almost got me going but then I'm a hard bugger to please Lopped

 

This run on sentence thing seems quite hard for me (blonde!) to grasp to be honest!

and what do you mean by formatting?

(i am pretty much that dumb sorry!) and i'll fix the few errors you pointed out thanks

thanks everyone for your opnions :rose:

 

Well everyone does run-on sentences it's just a matter of how much! It's when two parts of a sentence aren't actually connected in the way it reads.

90% of the time it's when you use a comma between two things that are really fairly separate, and you ought to use a semi-colon or start a new sentence.

There's lots of stuff online, but you could try this

Or not bother! Lots of the most popular stories have run-on sentences all over the place. As ELP said it's basically fine, it just depends how perfect you're trying to be.

With the formatting you really want the lines of text to go the full width of the 'page', but yours end short. And yours all have one space between when it'd read better on the story site if the lines are single-spaced and then have 1 or 2 sentences per para with a space between the paras.

Maybe you used a text editor with wrapping on that put carriage-returns in. I use Word and just paste it in.

Hope that helps! If you're not sure you could do another post here and see.

BTW when you look at your new story it'll be in your profile and have question-marks instead of apostrophes!! But don't panic they come out OK on the published site.

 

On Formatting...

Don't double space except and unless your changing paragraphs... it makes your story tighter... the double spacing between paragraphs lets the reader breathe and know that another sexy thought is coming something different from before. The format you have is more of an editors format where someone like ELP would whip out his red pen and mark your mistakes. it's not really helpful and though it makes your story look longer, It sort of drags the story down at the same time... Keep it tight and keep it neat... Look at some of the other Veteran writers stuff to get better idea's
Clarise's Beauty... Pretty much anything ELP has written... Wantsomefun is also a good choice, Jackasstales and if your really want to hurt yourself read some of my crap.

Reading and writing and storytelling all go hand in hand... the more you read the better you write and then if you can turn around and read the story to someone you can then see the errors that you made or if your too embarrassed to read it to someone have them read it.

Hope some of this helps...
CJ...:excited:

 

Nice story.

 

Nice

I enjoyed this. Keep writing :excited: FJ

 

thank you for the comments!!

Farmer Joe, i may just keep writing, we shall see!

AngelEyes15 - i think i'll leave the runny on thingies lol to complicated for me, and yeah i noticed about the writing not going the width of the page and think its cause the notepad programme i was using, i shall make sure it's ok before i publish it in the stories bit thanks

 

OK 19YY let us know when you publish and I'll kick it off with a +

 

reply

crackedjaguar

the format was a complete accident and was just due to the programme i was using and will be fixed in the completed draft

 

All done!

All done now, chapter 1 available at my profile, i would post a link but i dont have enough forum posts to do so yet! :wall:

 

write more ..i want to read more

 

OK I voted it. You've been had by the same thing that happened to me - one negative (silly one!) then a bunch of new stories filled up the tiny Latest Stories section and pushed yours out. Bad luck!

 

Oh it doesn't really bother me what people think, just thought i'd have a bash at writing for once

 

amazing

 

K well it was a good bash, I hope you do the next chapter!

 

very good

 

Very good in my opinion, I'm not english so I can't point out if theres any mistakes but I don't really care as I liked the story.

I would suggest you part it up in some paragraphs, it litteraly hurt my eyes to read through that when you set it up like that